riverviewlogs | [open] i can't forget it

[It doesn't register to Eddie how everything before that one particular point sounds so negative, he doesn't understand why Cisco looks so stricken, so upset, like he's still having his heart broken rather than being asked out. But he keeps going, until the expression of pain drops off Cisco's face to be replaced by shock.

For just a moment, when Cisco asks 'for real?' like that, with that expression on his face, surprise, like he's been floored, instead of seeming happy or excited, Eddie feels himself choking a little on panic. Like maybe he'd jumped the gun and this isn't what Cisco wants or needs right now. Like maybe Cisco just wanted to be friends with benefits or something, like this isn't something he was hoping for.

Eddie's about to open his mouth and say something, to take it back, to recant and explain that Cisco doesn't have to, isn't obligated to accept. But then Cisco is saying that if he really means it, then yes, absolutely, and something inside Eddie unwinds. Suddenly, he's grinning, his smile like a beam of sunshine, his heart pounding and head spinning, and he can't help but laugh.]

Oh god, good, for a second there I thought you were going to turn me down for sure...

[Laughing again, he reaches out, gently cups Cisco's cheeks.]

Can I kiss you?

Turn you down?

[ Now the bafflement is back on Cisco's face, but Eddie seems to really mean it. And that just doesn't compute. Cisco laughs, a hiccupy little thing. The fog of that sadness, that awful wretched certainty that he had messed things up beyond repair, and the weight of his self-loathing, start to dissipate and fade. Cisco feels the first stirrings of bright and bubbly happiness. He asks, voice soft with wonder and amused disbelief: ]

Eddie, I've been crazy about you for ages. You must've noticed. Not like I've been all that subtle.

[ Cisco thinks back on it - even before he'd realized it himself, the signs were there. Staying with Eddie in the hospital. Throwing him that extravagant birthday party. Getting him a kitten for goodness's sake. Being so shy around him at that kink expo, giving him relationship advice, comforting him after his breakup. Telling Eddie his secrets, turning to him when he couldn't turn to anyone else. And everything that had happened since the blackout, too. Surely by then, Eddie must have known? ]

For a detective, you've sure got a blind spot when it comes to realizing when a guy is head over heels for you.

[ Cisco smiles, small and a touch bashful, when Eddie's hands come to rest gently against his cheeks. He feels a touch self-conscious, for a moment, about his tear-streaked face, and his red nose and eyes, his awful bed-head. But then those worries fade because Eddie asks if he can kiss him. Cisco's heart is in his throat, making it impossible to speak, but he gives a quick and happy series of nods, smile widening.

And he doesn't wait; he leans forward, helping to close the distance between them. It's nothing like their earlier kisses - the passionate, urgent, blind ones during the blackout, or the hazy slow ones last night when Eddie had come up to his bed. Cisco is shyer, this time, exploratory but tentative, as if he's half-waiting for Eddie to change his mind. ]

Edited 2017-09-08 02:22 (UTC)

It's not that, I mean...I know...you made it pretty clear how you feel, it's just...

[But then Cisco is leaning in, kissing him, his mouth warm and tentative, shy and soft against Eddie's mouth, and Eddie kisses him back, without hesitation. Shifting in closer, he keeps his hands gently against Cisco's cheeks, stroking his thumbs against his cheekbones, fingers pressing against the line of his jaw. It feels perfect, it's everything he wants, and so he lets it linger, his mouth just slightly open, his eyes mostly closed, soft and warm.

It's a long few moments while he revels in this, the closeness, the affection, the excitement of it, the joy. Shifting a bit closer, he slides one hand to the back of Cisco's neck, then down to his shoulder, pulling away from the kiss for just a second.]

You made it pretty clear how you feel, I just worried that maybe I turned you off, by blowing so hot and cold and being such an ass thinking I had to wait, I just...

[Leaning in, he kisses Cisco's lower lip again, his eyes half-lidded as he looks at him.]

That was a really, really stupid idea. The slow thing. Really dumb. Especially when I can't seem to keep my eyes or hands off you, when we share a bed every night, I just can't...

[Smiling, he laughs very softly, still holding Cisco's face, hand woven into the hair at the nape of Cisco's neck.]

Sorry, I sound so stupid.

[ Cisco presses his forehead against Eddie's, eyes slipping closed as he enjoys the feeling of Eddie's fingers moving in his hair. It's all so new to him, and he loves it - the way that Eddie kisses, how much he seems to love touching Cisco's face and hair while he does it. His mouth is soft, but confident, and Cisco relaxes into the kiss, tension bleeding out of him bit by bit.

He is slower to open his eyes than Eddie, a little hypnotized and slow with happiness. ]

It wasn't dumb.

[ And Cisco can say that freely now, because Eddie has that hand in his hair and he can feel a lingering buzz on his lips - imagined, doubtless - from where Eddie had just kissed him. It's only been about a couple minutes since he was crying silently, convinced that Eddie was going to put distance between them again, and Cisco's already entirely forgiven the whole thing. Sure, Eddie pulling away and wanting to take things slow was a decision that had made Cisco a little uncertain and a little unhappy now and then, for the last month, but who's to say things would've been better if Eddie had chosen otherwise? That month had served its purpose, probably. And none of it matters, now, because Eddie had asked him out, and he'd said yes.

He draws back, just enough that he can look at Eddie and really see him, properly and in focus. Cisco reaches up his own hand, pushing stray bit of hair from Eddie's forehead and saying quietly: ]

Trying something and figuring out it didn't work doesn't mean it was stupid to try. That's like... how you learn stuff. You try, and then if it's good, you keep doing it, and if it isn't, you try something else.

[When Cisco presses their foreheads together, Eddie makes a soft little sigh of contentment, his eyes sinking shut for just a moment. The contact is delicious, the intimacy, the warmth and comfort, and he soaks it in. How good it feels. How right it feels. Something in his gut is telling him this was the right decision, with the right person, and that's a feeling he hasn't had in a long time, and stronger than it had been then.

Cisco is warm and gentle and isn't holding his mistakes against him; in fact, he's telling him he isn't dumb, that this is how learning works, and Eddie laughs softly, his throat tight, shaking his head a little.]

Only you...

[Smiling a bit, he kisses Cisco's lower lip as Cisco draws back and pushes some hair from his forehead, and that tender gesture is enough to make Eddie's throat feel tight again.]

Only you would forgive me so easily for how I've been treating you. I'm really sorry I made you cry. If I'd known...I would've made sure to be here.

Hey, c'mon, don't beat yourself up, Eddie.

[ Cisco's voice stays soft, and even after he tucks that hair back he doesn't move his hand away. He strokes his knuckles against Eddie's cheek, savoring just being able to touch him like this. Having permission to touch him in all these ways that he couldn't before, when they were still in that awkward limbo. ]

It was just- just bad timing, plus me demonstrating why I got an olympic gold medal in jumping to conclusions.

[ He smiles a little, trying to coax a smile from Eddie, too, because Cisco heart him getting a little choked up and he's worried that Eddie's going to get himself into a spiral of worry, is going to feel bad when really the both of them ought to be feeling good. They want the same thing, and that's something to celebrate.

Cisco has reached a tipping point where almost all the sadness is gone and instead joy has replaced it. He pulls away from Eddie quickly, but only to move himself to the center of the bed so he can promptly (and abruptly, without warning) haul Eddie down with him, so they're both laying down again, looking at one another sideway, and Cisco is laughing again, touches the tip of his nose to Eddie's, saying. ]

It's all good now. Okay? Water under the bridge. We did some stuff out of order, but that's, like, kinda us, isn't it? I mean, we've been doing that right from the start. Makes sense we'd keep on in the same way.

[ He reaches over to cup Eddie's jaw, grin widening a touch as he scraped the pad of his thumb against Eddie's stubble. ]

[Cisco's hands are so...kind. They're soft and caring against his face, touching his hair, cupping his cheeks and rubbing against his jaw, like his face is something precious and valuable. It's strange, how much that makes Eddie feel choked up, the gentleness and care.

A moment later, he realizes it's because this is the first time in a long time someone's paid such close attention to him, and how he's feeling and taken into consideration what he needs. What would be good for him. Forgiven him when he wasn't perfect, didn't live up to expectations. His throat still feels tight, tense, and he smiles a bit while his tears well up and thankfully Cisco manages to cut the whole thing off at the pass by reaching out and grabbing him and dragging him over onto the bed. Eddie goes willingly, falling over with Cisco and looking at him across the pillows.]

Okay. I believe you. And...and yeah that really is us, isn't it? We're a little out of order, a little...you know, wrong. I think that's okay though.

[Gently, he reaches out and strokes some of Cisco's hair back from his face, letting his fingers linger at the edge of Cisco's ear.]

I'm looking forward to the stuff we haven't done yet. Like dates and sex that doesn't involve alcohol or a phone and waking you up with a kiss.

It's definitely okay.

[ A tiny shiver goes through Cisco, when Eddie's fingers run along the shell of his ear like that. It's a sensitive spot for him, though there's no way Eddie could know that - not yet, at least. Now he probably does. Eddie doesn't miss a whole lot. Cisco turns, pressing his grinning face against the bed for a moment, just trying to come to grips with how happy he feels. Of course, that little voice in the back of his mind is telling him it can't possibly last, but compared to most times, it is small and distant, almost inaudible. Just background radiation. ]

Rules are boring, anyway. Who decides what's the right order and what isn't, huh?

[ He says it in a humorous approximation of an edgy rebellious type, as if he's about to move on to talking about tearing down The System or something like that. It's just another hint that Cisco is feeling better - his customary goofiness is returning to him, little by little. ]

I'm looking forward to those things, too. Like, a whole lot.

[ And Cisco tilts his head to the side and leans forward a little, just enough to touch his lips to Eddie's again in a series of soft kisses, mouths barely touching, and yet there's something almost reverent about them. He pulls away, letting his head fall to the bed again with a happy exhale out his nose. ]

Where you wanna go for our first date? Or do you want it to be a surprise? I could plan a surprise. Or you could. We could take turns...

[That tiny shiver when Eddie touches Cisco's ear is delicious, makes his heart beat faster and his head swim and every instinct push to do it again, to make him make that beautiful response again. For a moment, he loses himself in wondering what else would make Cisco shiver like that, what would draw out more intense versions of that particular reaction. Where he could touch him and how.

For a moment, Eddie stares at him, biting his lower lip, even as Cisco jokes about the rules and order and all of it, then says that he's looking forward to those things. Grinning a bit, his fingers trace from Cisco's ear to his jaw, and his brows raise, just a little.]

Sorry. I just can't stop thinking about how good things were on the phone and if you're that good on the phone...how you'd be for real, when we're together...

[Shaking his head a bit, he laughs.]

I know, totally the wrong thing to be focused on right now but you were...so good.

[His fingers are still lingering against Cisco's jaw, and then they move to his mouth, tracing his lower lip as Cisco asks that, about the date.]

Well, I definitely owe you a date, after everything. I promised you. And...wow, where to go.

[A little grin.]

Time to play a high school game. What's your ideal date?

[ Cisco remembers in a rush everything that had happened the night before, and he laughs softly, face going hot with embarrassment and happiness at the compliment. He had replayed it in his head earlier, but that had been different. When he'd been imagining that Eddie had left after, it had all looked stupid and sordid. An idiotic horny mistake. Now, though... with Eddie looking across at him with those creases around his eyes that show up when he's happy, Cisco doesn't feel that way at all. ]

Mmm, I wouldn't say it's the wrong thing... [ There's a hint of something coaxing, and flirtatious in his voice as he says that. Which is... new. Mostly, he had flirted with Eddie by text. That was easier, for him. It felt like there was a distance, like it was less real. That's why he'd stuck to that, while he was still unsure if he was really allowed. But now he feels like he can risk it a bit more in person. ] Kinda flattering if I'm being honest. Glad I made an impression.

[ Cisco's breath catches in his throat just a little when Eddie's fingers touch his lower lip like that. He presses a kiss against Eddie's fingers, very lightly, eyes never leaving Eddie's. ]

Hmmm. Ideal date, huh? Something not super formal, but more than, like, coffee. Something... fun, like an activity or game or movie, and then dinner, someplace nice but not stuffy you know?

[ He could construct much more elaborate plans than all that, but he wants to keep things vague, leave Eddie plenty of options. Cisco settles a hand against the dip of Eddie's waist, enjoying the feeling of his body heat even through his shirt, enjoying the sunshine and the softness of his bed and all of it. ]

What about you?

[There's something about the way Cisco says that, that it's not the wrong thing to be dwelling on, with that hint of flirtation and invitation in it that makes Eddie's heart start to beat fast and his cheeks flush a little. One brow raises, and he laughs softly when Cisco says he's glad he made an impression.]

God, of course you did. You were so hot, seriously. You kept talking about...you know. And those pictures you sent me, and the little video. You looked so happy and satisfied and sexy, and I couldn't stop thinking about how you would've looked if I was there with you, you know? You...definitely made an impression.

[Eddie's bright pink and smiling by the time Cisco is talking about his ideal date, and he laughs a little at the description, gently delighted.]

That's pretty close to what I had in mind. I have a few things I was thinking of, just stuff I've run into around the Quarantine that I thought you might enjoy. And I always thought something casual, some place that has really good food but isn't over-the-top.

[A pause, and then he tilts his head, burying his cheek into the pillow and looking a bit embarrassed.]

I don't know, honestly. I've never really been taken on a date. For me, my ideal has always just been making the other person happy.

[ Cisco's grin only gets wider and wider as Eddie answers; he feels warm and embarrassed and pleased and happy all at once. He's a little bit chagrined now, at his own boldness last night. Had he really done all that? But then... Eddie had been bold right along with him. Remembering it makes his stomach feel fluttery, and he thinks (but doesn't say aloud) that Eddie will probably find out what it was like in person soon enough. Instead, though, Cisco merely says, voice soft but deeply fond: ]

I really like how much you blush when you're embarrassed. Have I told you that, yet? It's just so...cute.

[ He knows, that Eddie has doubtless been told many times before, that he's attractive, that he's fit, that he's fuckable or handsome or even pretty or whatever. But just based on the stuff he's told Cisco, and the way Eddie talks about himself, Cisco doesn't think nearly enough people have told him that he is cute.

And, apparently, there are other things that haven't been happening enough, either: ]

Wait, seriously? Never?

[ Cisco brings a hand to lay against his chest in mock surprise, then reaches over to run his fingers through Eddie's hair, playing with the strands of it. They look particularly yellow, in the light coming through the windows Cisco thinks back to when he'd washed Eddie's hair, when he couldn't remember how, himself. He'd like to do that again, he thinks. Do it again without being worried that he was touching too much, being too forward... ]

Well, we're gonna have to change that real soon. I'm talking ASAP. And none of this "whatever makes the other person happy" stuff, either. I want to hear your high schoolest, ridiculousest ideal date.

Edited 2017-09-10 22:36 (UTC)

[Cisco's compliment only results in Eddie blushing a little harder, turning his face into the pillow and laughing into it, his shoulders shaking a little bit.]

Oh my god.

[It's muffled by the pillow, but he turns his head to the side again so he can look at Cisco once he's done having his little fit of embarrassment.]

Cute when I blush? Seriously? Now I know you're crazy.

[Eddie's smile softens when Cisco's fingers move to his hair, stroking through the strands of it. It's limp right now, not styled or manicured, and it strikes Eddie again how important that is, that Cisco sees him like this, that Eddie isn't afraid of Cisco seeing him like this. It seems natural, normal, safe and comfortable. There's no hesitation in him, at all, to show Cisco this vulnerable and unmanicured part of himself, without the armour of having gotten himself as close to physical perfection as he can before allowing himself to be seen.]

No, never. And...wow, god. Um.

[It takes him a few moments, and then he exhales a soft breath.]

Something outdoors, and kind of quirky. Like a concert or something that's going on outdoors, like those shows they had at the Flower Festival and Carnivale. Dinner would be something totally new, something I've never tried before, but maybe something that you wanted to share with me, some hole-in-the-wall place you really like that makes the best food, you know? Then maybe a walk by the river, on the beach, with no shoes, watching the sunset or twilight or the stars, depending on when. Mmm...yeah, that sounds perfect.

[ Cisco watches, pleased as punch, as Eddie goes even redder, laughing softly and hiding his face bashfully. Cisco feels stuffed full of happiness, like it is a physical thing and he is about to burst at the seams. How could he not, when Eddie is smiling with his whole face like that, bright and delighted and so so joyous, because Cisco made him that way. Happy because he is with Cisco. That is pretty damn overwhelming. ]

I just want you to know, I'm taking careful mental notes right now. I got dibs on the second date.

[ The things Eddie wants are so modest and far from extravagant that Cisco is sure he'll be able to pull it off. He already knows a few restaurants that would fit the bill, and this place is constantly having outdoor shows and events. One ought to roll around soon enough, and Cisco would be ready when it did. It's sweet, that Eddie had ended by talking about walking on the beach, without a trace of irony. Cisco is so used to that being used as a stand-in for sappy romance of the kind that should be laughed at. But... when he thinks about it, he's never walked on a beach with someone he's going out with. When he divorces what it would probably be like from the idea of it, as this joke thing, it actually sounds... really damn nice.

So walking on the beach there shall be. ]

Okay. Serious question, now. You think we should tell Yuri?

[ Now that he knows Eddie is actually interested, there are only two possible complications to this whole thing that Cisco can see. One, is that it will make things weird in his friendship with Taako - but that's for him to deal with, and not something he wants to concern Eddie with. And the other is their third roommate. Cisco knows that it might present an awkward situation for just about anyone, and he also knows that Yuri can be a lot more fragile than he likes to admit. That Eddie in particular means a lot to him, and he might feel worried about what this would mean for him, even if Cisco and Eddie haven't gone on a single date, yet. ]

If we do, it should definitely be you. I'm not saying that to get outta the responsibility, I just mean... I think, like, he basically thinks about you like an older brother. So.

[When Cisco says that he has dibs on the second date, that he's taking mental notes like that, Eddie's breath catches and he smiles, his eyes a little wet. It's a little startling, having someone pay that much attention to Eddie and what he wants, enough that Cisco asks for his opinions and thoughts, then makes sure to remember, plans to make sure Eddie gets what he wants.

The fact that it matters to Cisco, what Eddie is feeling, what he wants, is more startling than it should be, more moving than it should be. Eddie's been in different types of relationships - serious and long-term with Iris, lighter and more easy-going and short-term with Taako - but none of them had ever been with someone who stopped, asked Eddie how he was feeling, what he wanted, and then took distinct action to make him happy like this. It's shocking, that he's been without this despite the relationships he's been in, and his stomach clenches, and he smiles a little, looking over at Cisco.]

I don't think anyone's really done that before. Paid attention to me as much as you do.

[When Cisco asks his serious question, though, Eddie bites his lower lip.]

We have to tell him, and I think probably as soon as possible. I'm worried he's going to feel like he's being left behind, or left out, so I want to try to...nip that in the bud, you know? Make sure he knows he's family and I'm not leaving him behind.

[ It hits a little close to home, Eddie saying he's not sure anyone has paid him this much attention before. There was a time when Cisco would have objected, would have insisted it couldn't be true. He had friends, family, who cared about him. But now, looking back, he can see how maybe... Eddie isn't exaggerating. Loving someone wasn't the same as paying attention to them - really seeing them, noticing when they were hurt or scared or unhappy. Barry and Caitlin had been Cisco's friends, had loved him in their way, but... he thinks that maybe, sometimes, they weren't all that good at paying attention to him.

So he just comes close, presses his forehead and nose against Eddie's forehead and nose and closes his eyes, smiling. Something has gone just a touch hoarse in his voice as he says: ]

Well. Someone's doing it, now.

[ When it comes to Yuri, it seems like he and Eddie are on exactly the same page. Cisco's smile dims a bit as he considers, sighing and saying: ]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too. You should definitely nip. As soon as possible, probably. He's a smart kid, I'm sure he's noticed... y'know. Stuff's been a bit different, recently.

[Eddie can see it on Cisco's face, the effect his words had on him, and he almost feels a bit guilty for a moment. Licking his lips, he glances away for a second, feeling vulnerable and a little overwhelmed, emotional, like he's admitted too much - at the same time, he also feels safe in a way he hadn't anticipated. In fact, if Eddie were to pick a word to define his relationship with Cisco, 'safe' would probably be that word, and not in any kind of negative way. Cisco is warm and sympathetic and supportive, strong and soft all at once, and Eddie is almost in awe of him right now.]

I know. I know you are. And I will do my absolute best to do it for you too, whenever I can.

[A small smile, his eyes a little more wet than they should be, and he swallows hard when Cisco mentions that Yuri's a smart kid and probably knows what's going on at this point.]

You're right. We're not exactly subtle about how things have been changing. I'll talk to him later on this evening.

[ Cisco gives a tiny nod of agreement to Eddie's plan when it comes to telling Yuri. It seems like the best option, to him. ]

If you want me to be there when you do, I'm there. But I think it might be better if I'm not. Feel less like we're ganging up... or like I'm coming between you.

[ He pulls away from Eddie, just for a moment, so he can crane his neck and check the time on the clock. The two of them had picked an odd sort of hour, to have this rather big moment for their relationship. It's already past the hour when Eddie usually leaves for the gym, and getting closer to the time when Cisco knows he has to head off for the station.

Cisco untwists himself, sighing as he looks at Eddie once again. ]

Do you have to go to work?

[ It's just a touch petulant and juvenile, and Cisco knows that. Eddie's job is important to him, and is also just plain important. He shouldn't ask him to ditch, especially when this is not an actual crisis. But he just wants to stay in this bed, in the sunlight, with Eddie, for hours and hours, talking and kissing and being near one another. ]

I think you're right. It'd be best for me to talk to him on my own, make sure he knows he's still one of the two most important people to me here.

[As Cisco shifts on the bed, Eddie does too, making a soft huff in his throat, shifting and getting comfortable again. When Cisco settles back down, Eddie does too, and reaches out for him, pulling him back into his arms. When the younger man mentions work, Eddie laughs softly, tilting his head back and closing his eyes.]

I already called in, before I came back up here. I figured...you know if I was talking to you about this today, no matter how things went, I would either want to spend the day with you or on my own. So...

[A little shrug, and he turns his head, pressing a soft kiss against Cisco's temple, and then bringing his fingers up into his hair.]

I'm all yours, today, Cisco Ramon.

Seriously?

[ Cisco is beaming again, like it's the best news he's ever heard. If Eddie had called in now, it would have been great, but he would have felt a touch guilty, too. But since Eddie already did it, and Cisco didn't influence it, that guilt is totally absent. He lets Eddie pull him close and sighs contentedly, closing his eyes for a moment in happiness. ]

Guess I better call in, too.

[ He holds his hand up against the side of his face, thumb and pinkie extended in the usual facsimile of a phone. ]

Hey, Cisco, it's Cisco. Can't make it in to the lab today, Eddie asked me out and now we gotta spend the rest of the day spooning. Yeah. Yep. Sure thing. Thanks a lot. See you bright and early tomorrow morning. Or like, noon, if I end up sleeping in. Byyyeee.

[ Yes, maybe it is a little silly, but he's feeling silly right now. Light-hearted and happy, like the whole world is funny and perfect. ]

So. All mine, huh?

[As Cisco mimics calling in to himself, Eddie laughs, genuine and bright, his eyes lighting up and his face bright as he watches him, flushing a bit at the comment that they need to spend the rest of the day spooning.]

Mmm, sounds like you have a really good boss there.

[Eddie keeps touching Cisco's hair, his fingers working through it, sliding from the root to the tip, carding through it, pressing the smooth strands between his fingertips just to enjoy the way they feel against his skin. When Cisco asks him if he really meant it when he said "all mine," Eddie grins a bit.]

Of course I'm all yours. What are you gonna do to me?

[He can't help the gentle flirt, both eyes raising, a smile crossing his face while his fingers continue to card through Cisco's hair.]

[ Cisco tilts his head into the contact as Eddie cards his fingers through his hair. It's something that Cisco never gets sick of, and the happiness of his response is only too obvious. Even so, eyes slipping shut, he murmurs: ]

I really like that.

[ The flirting is still a little unexpected, a little more wonderful for that very reason. Cisco's first response is just to giggle, soft and under his breath. ]

Wow, okay.

[ With some effort, he sits up, pushing his hair from his face and reaching over Eddie, to the beside table and the mug sitting on it. ]

Well, first, I'ma drink this coffee you made me. And then I'm sure we can come up with some way to spend the day.

[open] i can't forget it

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