riverviewlogs | (closed) god, it’s been a hell of a week

What—

[He's not even sure what he's trying to ask in regards to the noise that just came out of Lucretia's mouth. So he doesn't.

He glances at the flask, then to Lucretia, then to Taako.

What he says next, he says painfully slow, as if he wants them to examine what he's saying very carefully.]

You're telling me there's a thing called a kkxshhkksxxkhshhh and drinking this sketchy liquid you have in a sketchy flask will help me remember all the things you claim to know about my past that I don't remember.

Well when you put it like that it sounds– godawful.

(She laughs, humourlessly. What else is there to say?) But yeah, that's pretty much what we're getting at.

(Lucretia wishes she could tack on something to this to make it seem less cold and impersonal, something about how no matter what he chooses they'll always love him but she doesn't want to weird him out. So she just shrugs a shoulder, and smiles. It doesn't reach her eyes.)

[For his part, Taako takes a second to scrub a hand over his face, as he realises that this is going exactly where he was worried it would go. He had time to build up suspicions, he had lich Barry telling them what he could and Magnus's fucking picture of himself in a red robe. He already knew what a voidfish was and what it was capable of.

Magnus has nothing, just three idiots who love him too much to leave him alone.]

It's your choice, always will be. I won't take that away from you.

[I not we, because Lucretia already has.]

And it's not- this isn't a one time only, you know? If it's too much just give it some time or, I dunno, talk to other people about it if you want a second opinion. We'll always be here.

[Magnus takes a hard look at the flask again. He's not contemplating—he'd already made up his mind—but he still has to take another moment to consider how messed up this entire conversation was.

He sighs, pushing his chair backwards so he can exit the table.]

I'm gonna have to pass.

[...and he stands to leave.]

(Lucretia sucks in a sharp breath and straightens her shoulders, uncertainty creeping into her expression. She had expected the initial prickliness, the aversion to the idea. But she had sincerely thought that the curiousity might have swayed Magnus in the end.

It hadn't. So that's it. They walk away, like she'd said, they leave him be.

She's already done this once before, so why is it still so hard?)

... Okay. (She says, quietly, after a moment's pause.) We understand. But thank you for coming to meet with us, Magnus.

[Everything he said suddenly feels like a big old fucking lie, because he's not fine with Magnus walking away from this, it's not even remotely okay, there's just nothing he can do about it.

He's so, so angry at Lucretia, and all he can do is sigh.]

Sure.

[It's all he's got, and he has no plan to stop Magnus from leaving.

Even the thought of leaving himself doesn't occur to him, just yet, he's too tired.]

Yeah, sure.

[Honestly, he feels like shit just standing and leaving like this. He really does. But now he's convinced these people he's thought of as friends for the past three weeks are trying to poison him and it's all he can do not to flip out in this cafe right now.

So he shrugs, averting his eyes from the both of them.]

... See ya, then.

[Magnus rushes out.]

(In the terrible silence that follows Magnus' departure Lucretia sinks back into her chair, gripping her hands tightly together again: half as a coping mechanism, half to keep herself from touching Taako's shoulder, from putting a hand over his. From here she can almost feel hurt and anger radiating off of him.

She wants to talk to him, but what is she supposed to say? The truth, she supposes.)

I'm sorry, Taako. I really did think he'd take it.

[He doesn't think he's ever seen Magnus look at him that way before, not even when they barely knew each other and they were fumbling their way through Wave Echo Cave, and that hurts more than the rest of it. The fear that they've absolutely fucked this up now, beyond repair.

They should've kept their mouths shut.]

Spare me the bullshit, Lucretia. You've got what you want, yet again.

(That makes her wince, nails pressing into her palm. Of course: now she has to bear the fallout from this. Taako won't hesitate to drop all of it onto her, because he knows she will take it. Is this how it's going to be, from now on?)

I know that you're angry with me, but I wanted him to drink the ichor just as much as you did. He's my family, Taako.

No, nuh-uh, nope. You don't get to fucking call him family when you're the one who did this to him.

[They've already had this fight, and they'll probably back to Aebir-Toril and have it again, but right now this isn't so much about what Lucretia did as it is about Taako wanting to yell at something.]

(Goddamnit if Taako doesn't always know exactly what buttons to press. The downside to knowing somebody for over a century.

Her voice is deadly calm.)

This isn't about you, or how you feel about me. It's about him, and we can't force him to remember us if he finds us suspicious.

[That calmness just infuriates him more. He wants her to be angry and upset like him, instead of passive, as if none of this can touch her.]

Better to make them work for you, right? Send 'em off to their death every couple of months so you don't have to get your own hands dirty?

[He knows that this version of Lucretia hasn't done that yet, but it's so easy to see her now, the Director.]

Like you did with Cam.

[There it is.]

I–

(Her calm falters then, a wave of cold dread stealing over her. How does he know about that? But then– he's been to Wonderland, of course. Did... did Cam never make it out, after everything? Perhaps she had been terrible and naive to assume he would have found his way eventually but...)

You don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah I fucking do, Lucretia, cause we met him. [There's a pause, for dramatics, because he's still Taako, even when angry.] Well, what was left of him.

[He thinks that should sting, the reminder of another one of her betrayals.

It's what Taako would've done in her place, but that's not the point. The point is that she's a lot less selfish than him, or at least thinks she is.]

(It stings a lot. For a brief moment her expression crumples, guilt creeping in.)

I had to go, (she says, and she's talking to herself more than to Taako now, staring at a fixed point in the distance. She still remembers with brutal clarity repeating this to herself over and over and over as the elves waited for her answer.)

If I had died there everything would have been lost. I don't– no future for me exists in which I don't regret my actions but I– I had no other choice. It was him, or all of you.

[Good.]

And why was that, huh?

[If she hadn't erased their memories in the first place, she never would've had to go to Wonderland alone, never would've had to sacrifice Cam to get out of there. They could've fought the liches together, all seven of them, but instead thought she could handle it all by herself.]

(Lucretia mouth curls into a grimace.)

I'm not playing this game with you.

(It's like he's trying to walk her into confessing something that he can later hold against her and she's tired, too heartsore to deal with any of this right now. She wants to go back home and finish packing up her things.)

I made a mistake. I took on too much, I was blindsided. I regret it more than I can say. I don't know what else you want from me.

[He ignores the admission, and the I don't know what else you want from me because it's not like he can just outright say that he's trying to pick a goddamn fight. That defeats the whole purpose.]

Sorry, you wanna try another game instead? How about we spin the fucking wheel and you can take something else away from me.

[She's not all that different from Lydia and Edward, is what he's implying.]

(Oh, are we being snarky and unreasonable now? Cool, Lucretia's down.)

Sure: maybe we can take away the part of you that constantly feels the need to lash out at me every time I exhale, for example.

[Fucking finally, this is a step in the right direction. He's not even sure how he's managed to keep his seat when he feels like a mess of angry, nervous energy. At some point he picked up a napkin and absolutely shredded it without even noticing.]

I know it must be real hard for you that not everyone immediately fell over themselves to forgive you. I hate ruining your winning streak there by actually holding you accountable for the shit you pulled.

I'm not asking for you to forgive me!

(She hates how defensive she sounds in her effort to strike a balance between knowing she has no right to ask such a thing of him and yet wanting it anyway. Perhaps that makes her selfish.)

If you want to shout me down every time we interact from now on be my guest, but I don't have to sit here and take it, either.

Of course not, that'd mean you'd actually fucking apologized.

[He hasn't given her a chance to, but that's not the point of any of this, the point is that he's lashing out and trying to get a rise out of her.

The last thing he wants right now is for her leave, because that would ruin all of this.]

I would if you'd let me. Would it mean anything to you if I did?

(She unclenches her fists; there's a little ring of soft, crescent moon indents where her nails had dug into her palms on both sides. She's dimly aware of the people around them, the conversations that have paused. If they're going to fight it should at least be in private.

She stands, pushing her chair back in with her ankle.)

We should go.

[He asked for an apology, when the chalice fucked with them all and at the end of the day he still doesn't know if it made it better or worse, or if it changed anything at all. An apology can't undo what she did.]

You should go fuck yourself.

[Taako's never claimed to be smart, but usually he at least doesn't let his emotions get the better of him, unlike Lup and Magnus, who act so quickly based on their feelings.

But right now he's definitely not thinking, and he's certainly not being smart, because instead of getting up to leave, he shoves a hand towards Lucretia and casts thunderwave.]

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