riverviewlogs | (closed) god, it’s been a hell of a week

[He doesn't think he's ever seen Magnus look at him that way before, not even when they barely knew each other and they were fumbling their way through Wave Echo Cave, and that hurts more than the rest of it. The fear that they've absolutely fucked this up now, beyond repair.

They should've kept their mouths shut.]

Spare me the bullshit, Lucretia. You've got what you want, yet again.

(That makes her wince, nails pressing into her palm. Of course: now she has to bear the fallout from this. Taako won't hesitate to drop all of it onto her, because he knows she will take it. Is this how it's going to be, from now on?)

I know that you're angry with me, but I wanted him to drink the ichor just as much as you did. He's my family, Taako.

No, nuh-uh, nope. You don't get to fucking call him family when you're the one who did this to him.

[They've already had this fight, and they'll probably back to Aebir-Toril and have it again, but right now this isn't so much about what Lucretia did as it is about Taako wanting to yell at something.]

(Goddamnit if Taako doesn't always know exactly what buttons to press. The downside to knowing somebody for over a century.

Her voice is deadly calm.)

This isn't about you, or how you feel about me. It's about him, and we can't force him to remember us if he finds us suspicious.

[That calmness just infuriates him more. He wants her to be angry and upset like him, instead of passive, as if none of this can touch her.]

Better to make them work for you, right? Send 'em off to their death every couple of months so you don't have to get your own hands dirty?

[He knows that this version of Lucretia hasn't done that yet, but it's so easy to see her now, the Director.]

Like you did with Cam.

[There it is.]

I–

(Her calm falters then, a wave of cold dread stealing over her. How does he know about that? But then– he's been to Wonderland, of course. Did... did Cam never make it out, after everything? Perhaps she had been terrible and naive to assume he would have found his way eventually but...)

You don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah I fucking do, Lucretia, cause we met him. [There's a pause, for dramatics, because he's still Taako, even when angry.] Well, what was left of him.

[He thinks that should sting, the reminder of another one of her betrayals.

It's what Taako would've done in her place, but that's not the point. The point is that she's a lot less selfish than him, or at least thinks she is.]

(It stings a lot. For a brief moment her expression crumples, guilt creeping in.)

I had to go, (she says, and she's talking to herself more than to Taako now, staring at a fixed point in the distance. She still remembers with brutal clarity repeating this to herself over and over and over as the elves waited for her answer.)

If I had died there everything would have been lost. I don't– no future for me exists in which I don't regret my actions but I– I had no other choice. It was him, or all of you.

[Good.]

And why was that, huh?

[If she hadn't erased their memories in the first place, she never would've had to go to Wonderland alone, never would've had to sacrifice Cam to get out of there. They could've fought the liches together, all seven of them, but instead thought she could handle it all by herself.]

(Lucretia mouth curls into a grimace.)

I'm not playing this game with you.

(It's like he's trying to walk her into confessing something that he can later hold against her and she's tired, too heartsore to deal with any of this right now. She wants to go back home and finish packing up her things.)

I made a mistake. I took on too much, I was blindsided. I regret it more than I can say. I don't know what else you want from me.

[He ignores the admission, and the I don't know what else you want from me because it's not like he can just outright say that he's trying to pick a goddamn fight. That defeats the whole purpose.]

Sorry, you wanna try another game instead? How about we spin the fucking wheel and you can take something else away from me.

[She's not all that different from Lydia and Edward, is what he's implying.]

(Oh, are we being snarky and unreasonable now? Cool, Lucretia's down.)

Sure: maybe we can take away the part of you that constantly feels the need to lash out at me every time I exhale, for example.

[Fucking finally, this is a step in the right direction. He's not even sure how he's managed to keep his seat when he feels like a mess of angry, nervous energy. At some point he picked up a napkin and absolutely shredded it without even noticing.]

I know it must be real hard for you that not everyone immediately fell over themselves to forgive you. I hate ruining your winning streak there by actually holding you accountable for the shit you pulled.

I'm not asking for you to forgive me!

(She hates how defensive she sounds in her effort to strike a balance between knowing she has no right to ask such a thing of him and yet wanting it anyway. Perhaps that makes her selfish.)

If you want to shout me down every time we interact from now on be my guest, but I don't have to sit here and take it, either.

Of course not, that'd mean you'd actually fucking apologized.

[He hasn't given her a chance to, but that's not the point of any of this, the point is that he's lashing out and trying to get a rise out of her.

The last thing he wants right now is for her leave, because that would ruin all of this.]

I would if you'd let me. Would it mean anything to you if I did?

(She unclenches her fists; there's a little ring of soft, crescent moon indents where her nails had dug into her palms on both sides. She's dimly aware of the people around them, the conversations that have paused. If they're going to fight it should at least be in private.

She stands, pushing her chair back in with her ankle.)

We should go.

[He asked for an apology, when the chalice fucked with them all and at the end of the day he still doesn't know if it made it better or worse, or if it changed anything at all. An apology can't undo what she did.]

You should go fuck yourself.

[Taako's never claimed to be smart, but usually he at least doesn't let his emotions get the better of him, unlike Lup and Magnus, who act so quickly based on their feelings.

But right now he's definitely not thinking, and he's certainly not being smart, because instead of getting up to leave, he shoves a hand towards Lucretia and casts thunderwave.]

(It's too sudden a move for Lucretia to get a shield up, but turns out her constitution fields the hit for her instead: the thunderclap hits her arcane ward for a measly five damage, and she keeps her footing despite the wave of sound that threatens to knock her over. Their table and chairs aren't so lucky: in fact, a good number of tables in the area are flung backwards out of the radius of the spell to land on their sides in the street.

Well, if people hadn't been looking at them before they certainly are now. The spell might not have affected her directly but Lucretia is still shocked, wide-eyed and rigid, locked into place. She hadn't considered that Taako would attack her.)

What are you doing? (She says, and her voice sounds too loud in the ringing silence following Taako's thunderwave.)

[The rest of the crowd has all but disappeared as far as Taako's concerned, all he can focus on is Lucretia. He stands as the table in front of him goes flying, raising the umbra staff to point it directly at Lucretia.]

What, you don't know a thunderwave when you see one? Here, lemme try something else.

[And with that, he casts a good old fashioned magic missile.]

Edited 2017-08-31 07:18 (UTC)

(She instantly casts shield to absorb the damage, flicking the magic missile aside with a wave of her hand like she doesn't even have to think about it.)

Taako, stop.

Don't tell me what to do!

[He casts again, this time a witch bolt, something with a little more bite than magic missile, and something that her shield won't instantly stop.]

You fucking took everything from me! [They're words he's spoken before, the same pain in his voice as he repeats them now, but this time there's no Merle to question him, no Hunger bearing down on them to draw his attention. Just him and Lucretia and this roiling anger inside him.] We were alone for over a decade, you left her trapped and alone and you tossed me aside like you'd never even given a shit about me.

(Oh, the decade remark stings, especially since that information is still raw and fresh to her. She winces, distracted, and has to let her arcane ward take that hit.)

I know– (and her voice breaks as she's overwhelmed with guilt. She feels like she's calling out to him across some great divide; her hands are shaking. Lucretia doesn't know if she can take much more of this.) I didn't– it was only ever going to be temporary Taako, just while I put everything back into place! I didn't mean for it to take so long. It was only supposed to take a year.

I love all of you so dearly. I know that I fucked up and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please, stop.

I don't care.

[The stretch of time hurts, it's a wound that he'll carry with him forever, the person he was for those long ten years and the way that still lives inside him. But he'd be angry whether it had been a year or twelve, she still betrayed them, still took Lup from him, regardless of the time.]

I killed Barry because of you! I killed him and I watched him fall and by the time he hit the ground I couldn't remember him!

[He just wants to hurt her, to keep hurting her, the way she hurt him.]

(She hadn't been privy to that moment; she'd assumed that Barry had pitched himself off the side of the ship, so learning this brings her dangerously close to tears. To have put him through that– it's unforgivable, really. She's finding it increasingly hard to look at him, his furious and betrayed expression. Lucretia could say sorry for the rest of her life and never feel absolved of this sin, no matter how much anybody might forgive her, let alone Taako.)

I'm sorry, (she repeats, and it's half in reaction to what he's saying, half about what she's going to do next, which is casting hold person just to try and tamp any future attempts at spells.

Leaving would be cowardly of her, but she can't handle it. She's scared something will happen that she will regret later, be it a spell flung in his direction just to get him to stop, or something more akin to a breakdown in front of him.)

[If nothing else, at least this brings him a moment of clarity as she apologizes. He realizes that he doesn't want it, he's never wanted an apology. It really, truly, changes nothing for him, not what she did or how he feels about it, not the life she ruined.

He feels the grip of hold person and pushes back against it, overpowering her spell and tossing another witch bolt in her direction, this one at a higher level.]

Sorry doesn't give me my life back. Sorry doesn't give Lup her life back.

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