riverviewlogs | [closed] There is a terrible cost to dark magic, but you know what they say

Me either. I mean...I spent a long time with someone who, it turns out, wasn't really as in love with me as either of us thought she was. The last thing I want to do is do that to someone else.

[Or go through that again, but he can't say it. When Taako says that they're exclusive and more than just friends with benefits, that he likes him, Eddie exhales softly and looks back at him for a moment.]

Yeah, I feel that way too. And...I think maybe this could go somewhere real.

[The whole Iris thing is probably always going to earn a sympathy wince from Taako, but he doesn't think either of them particularly want to dwell on that topic right now, so he just gives a little nod in understanding.

And that's about where his understanding ends.]

Is it not already real? I mean, I'm not faking it, I think we just established that.

[It's true, Eddie doesn't want to dwell on that either, on Iris. But when Taako responds, he can't help but wince too, glancing away from him again. They had been on the same page, he thinks, but at some point things changed, in Eddie's mind at least.]

I don't mean that I think you're faking it. I just mean like...where do you see us ending up? In the future.

[Well, fuck.

It's written all over Taako's face, the sudden realization of exactly what all this is about, and what's the actual question that Eddie's asking.]

I have to go back, bubbale. You know that, right? As soon as the portal is pointing in the right direction I'm gone.

[He thought this was... obvious, but he's starting to think that maybe it wasn't.]

[Eddie sees that, and he takes a deep breath, exhaling it slowly to try to get his bearings, to try to phrase what's going on in his head so it makes sense.]

I know. Because you have to save your world. And I knew that going into this, but I think somewhere along the way my feelings changed, and I didn't notice, and I kind of assumed yours did too.

[He bites at his lower lip, and he's back to avoiding eye contact again.]

It's not like I thought you'd stay for me. I don't know what I was thinking. I probably wasn't thinking at all.

[This sucks. Not because it's a shitty emotional conversation and he hates those, but because he doesn't want to see Eddie looking like this. There was never any future here, Taako knew that going in, but it doesn't mean he never cared.

Something tells him that's not enough. Sometimes it isn't.]

Well. [He sort of pauses, lets out a breath, almost but not quite a laugh.] Am I about to get dumped? Cause that's gonna be a new one.

[His feelings haven't changed, and they never will. He's never going to love someone more than he loves Lup, which means there's never going to be anyone he'd stay in this place for.]

[Eddie keeps his eyes averted, not looking at Taako, brows furrowing a little.]

That...wasn't really the conversation I meant to have.

[A pause, because he's not sure he wants to have it now either. But after a moment, he realizes it's one of those moments where he should probably rip the band-aid off. Just get it over with. And then probably give up on romance, because he's obviously not cut out for it.]

But I think at some point I realized I'm just not good at casual. I get too attached.

No shit.

[It's gentle, though, lacking any real heat even if he feels like maybe he should be angry or annoyed or something other than just hurt.]

I mean, fuck, if you wanna keep doing what we're doing, I'm down, but I can't be that guy, you know? I'm never gonna be that guy.

[The one who falls in love and settles down or whatever the hell a future is supposed to entail. It's not him, especially not when the end of the world is waiting for him.]

So I guess if you're gonna feel like you're wasting your time on me, I'd prefer avoid that cause it's just gonna make things real shitty.

[He doesn't want Eddie to grow to resent him for something that Taako can't give.]

[When Taako says 'no shit,' Eddie actually laughs, and shakes his head a bit.]

Yeah, I know. I mean, I'm starting to really get it.

[And he has to acknowledge that. Internalize. Taako is not the kind of person who will settle down with him or really put him first. It hurts, a lot, and Eddie ducks his head, bites at the inside of his lip, and shrugs.]

I don't think I can be the guy who does the casual thing.

[When Taako says that though - wasting your time on me - Eddie's head jerks up and he stares at Taako with a horrified expression on his face.]

What? No! I didn't say I was wasting my time, why would you even...

Hey, c'mon.

[He hesitates for a second, before reaching out to take Eddie's hand, loose enough that Eddie can pull away if wants.]

I'm just saying like, if you wanna be doing the whole... Mr Right thing or whatever you wanna call it, then sticking with me is just gonna make both of us feel like shit.

[Eddie lets Taako take his hand, and doesn't pull his away, though he doesn't squeeze right away.]

I mean, you could put it that way. I tried really hard to do the casual thing, hell, I thought it would be good for me. But I don't think I can do it. I think I just need commitment.

[Glancing down at their hands, he sighs, and squeezes a bit.]

There's nothing about you that's a waste of time.

Okay, okay. [He puts up his free hand like he's conceding a point, managing a little smile.] Bad phrasing on my part, but I think you got what I was going for.

[Since he's saying he can't do the casual thing, which is basically what Taako was offering.

He sighs, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling.]

This sucks.

[He doesn't know what else to say.]

Yeah, I just...don't want you to think there's anything wrong with you. I think that this...this thing we've had is good, for what it is. I've had a lot of fun. But after thinking about it a bit, I think...

[He waves his hand vaguely, looking down at his hand and Taako's.]

I think I just need to be someone's priority, you know? And I can't go home. I need to build a life for myself here, and the idea of getting left behind again hurts. A lot. And it does suck, because I like you a lot, I just don't know if I can do the not getting attached thing.

I get it.

[All of it, this having been fun, the fact Eddie needs someone who can make him a priority, not getting attached. It all makes perfect sense, for everything that he knows about Eddie, and part of Taako is almost disappointed in himself for not seeing it sooner, or maybe just for pretending like it wouldn't be a big deal.

He gives Eddie's hand one last squeeze, then lets go, drawing back into himself.]

You'll find what you want. You know that, right? You're a pretty fucking great guy, and plenty of people are gonna see that.

[It feels important to say it, he knows Eddie can doubt himself sometimes, and Taako doesn't want to leave something like that unsaid.]

[Taako's hand is still warm in his and he squeezes it, lets his eyes fall shut just for a moment, collecting himself, before exhaling again. When Taako says that he'll find what he wants, and says he's a great guy and all that, Eddie shakes his head and laughs a bit. His eyes are stinging, but he can tell he's not going to cry or anything. This kind of thing just hurts, romantically, he's still raw.]

I dunno. I don't think I'm going to be trying anytime soon.

[Taako lets go of his hand then, and he exhales roughly, bringing his own back and then pulling up his other knee, draping his arms around them.]

I'm sorry.

[Taako's smile is a little sad, but genuine.]

Don't be. We had fun, yeah? And this didn't end in some shitty fight so I'm gonna count that as a win for both of us. I haven't... well, I haven't done this shit before, really, but I'm glad I gave it a shot.

[He's never had anything even remotely approaching a real relationship before; they moved around too much when he was younger, and he made an effort to close himself off while they travelled on the Starblaster, knowing that everyone he met was probably going to die.

So he's glad, that he didn't run from this, even if he couldn't commit in the way Eddie wanted.]

Is this the part where I go?

[He's not sure if there's much left to be said, but he's also not sure how any of this is supposed to go down.]

[Eddie manages a sad little smile in return, and licks his lips, scraping his nails lightly across his knee, needing something to do with his hands.]

Yeah. And...I'd like to be friends, still, if you think you can? You're really great, and I'd miss having you in my life, talking to you, joking around, having a beer, watching a movie, whatever. And you know if you need me you can call, right?

[He hasn't forgotten Taako needing a pickup at the clinic after his run-in with Dodger, needing Eddie's shirt. Something in his chest twinges at that, and he feels stupid, because he's probably feeling this more than Taako. He was more attached, he's pretty sure.

So when Taako asks if this is the part where he goes, Eddie swallows hard and shrugs.]

Can you go home? I'm not gonna throw you out or anything and I know things are uncomfortable there for you. If you need to stay, you need to, but I think I might need a few minutes alone.

I think I can manage the friends thing, but no promises on the beer.

[It's a joke, trying to make it clear that he's-- he's okay, this is fine, even if it takes him another second and a steadying breath to get to his feet. And then he's not sure what to do with himself yet again, but he takes a half step back, not wanting to crowd Eddie now they're on different levels.]

It's cool, bubbale, I've got Bryn on speed dial and also like... still a wizard. I'll always have that going for me.

[He can make himself a house if he needs to, at least for a night.]

Fine, fine. You can drink whatever you want.

[It's an attempt at joking back, but it hurts, the fact that less than an hour ago, he'd been in a relationship and now...now he's looking forward at probably a really long time alone. Eddie's not entirely sure he's going to be interested in finding someone else for a while, thinks maybe he's not cut out for it. The fact that Taako doesn't even mention calling him if he needs help, or talking to him, or anything but the beer just makes him feel even worse.

But that's part of the problem, isn't it? Eddie is earnest and open and Taako tells jokes, and neither way is wrong, but they don't work together very well.

When Taako comments he's got Bryn on speed dial and that he's a wizard, Eddie nods, holding his breath, avoiding eye contact.]

Yep. You are.

[A moment later, and he exhales the breath he'd been holding.]

I'm sorry.

You've gotta stop apologising. It's better we got this shit out of the way now instead of a couple months down the line.

[When they'd both invested more time and effort into the relationship, when Eddie would feel more certain about what he wants and Taako would still be the same, waiting to go home to his family.]

I just hope you find what you're looking for.

[And he means that, really.]

Sorry, I'm...probably not going to stop apologizing any time soon, it's just part of who I am, I guess. I'm sorry I took it too seriously all this time.

[Swallowing hard, he glances up at Taako, and offers a slight smile.]

I hope you do too. I mean. I know you will. You always get what you want.

[A pause, and then, softly.]

I know you aren't really...I don't know. I just want you to know. I really like you, I think you're amazing, you're gorgeous. I'm sorry it didn't work.

Just don't like-- I don't need it, yeah? You're fine.

[He's not annoyed at Eddie, really; he's frustrated about the situation, but he's mostly annoyed at himself for not seeing this coming. He should've know better.

You always get what you want nearly makes him laugh, but he's worried it would come out too bitter, so he decides to just not touch that.]

And I liked you too. [Making it past tense feels more final, more certain. He doesn't want to drag this out.] Try not to get too hung up on blaming yourself.

[It's not hard to guess that Eddie might go that route; he's too hard on himself, too focused on making everything perfect, and Taako feels like he's just going to take this as some failing on his part, which isn't right, and it isn't what Taako wants.]

[When Taako says he doesn't need it, that Eddie is fine, something in his belly goes a bit tight, and he nods, glancing away.]

Okay, yeah. Got it. I'll do my best.

[He takes a deep breath, then exhales it heavily, glancing back over at Taako.]

Is there anything you need to say, or...? I think I kind of need to be alone now.

[There's a lot he could say, but nothing he needs, nothing that won't just make this worse.]

Nah, I'm good. See you around.

[And then he's just gone; this is awkward enough without having to walk himself to the door. Magic solves that problem.]

[closed] There is a terrible cost to dark magic, but you know what they say

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