riverviewlogs | [open] we tried to bury it and rise above

[She's quite fond of the late night times with Taako, because just like in the Starblaster, it meant nice quiet alone time with just the two of them. With Lucretia and Ellie needing sleep, they could just chill together for a while.

At least until your shit brother steals you book.]

Hey, I was learning a new recipe since someone doesn't eat meat any more!

[Still, she doesn't fight him for it - instead moving her legs so he has space.]

What's up, doofus?

I eat it sometimes, fuck.

[It comes out a little too harsh, because now he's thinking of Glamoursprings, yet another fucking thing he hasn't told her, because he doesn't want to. It's another reminder of everything she wasn't there for.]

Sorry. [God, he hates this, but he has to do it.] Look at me.

[And he drops the spell.]

[The harshness does make her raise a brow a bit, not exactly expecting that.

...but this was obviously serious, so she glances up at her brother's face.]

What is i-

[...and then it is not her brother's face. Yet it still is, at the same time. Just... less.]

Taako?

[Her voice is very small, eyes wide as she takes this in.]

Fuck, uh. [He wants to immediately put the illusion back up, but it's a waste of a spell slot, so he just scrubs a hand over his face instead.] Those liches I told you about? The shitty ones, unlike my rad lich sister. They had this whole deal going on where they fed off suffering, and we needed to get through their creepy neon dungeon which meant... giving things up, to them. They took my dashing good looks or whatever.

["or whatever", as though he doesn't care.]

[It's hard to say just what is different about him, but it's really upsetting because they're supposed to be the same and this was... this wasn't just a new hair style or something like that.

It was fucking a bit with her world, to be honest.]

Tell me they died horribly, Koko.

They're hella dead.

[Taako reaches out for her hand, and there's a hesitation in it that is completely foreign.]

I'm gonna need you to tell me you don't give a shit, Lulu.

[At the end of the day, he can cope with not being pretty, but he doesn't... he needs Lup to be able to still look at him without it being weird.]

Good.

[She takes his hand at once, squeezing it gently. No hesitation allowed.]

Of course I don't give a shit, idiot. [It's soft but honest, despite her earlier thoughts. He was still Taako, nothing else mattered. Not even this.] I mean, it's shit that this happened to you, I'm not gonna minimize that or the fact that it's weird that we're different... but you're Taako, just like I'll still be Lup after me and Barry go all ghosty.

Thanks.

[His voice is a little shaky, but he's determined not to cry. He cares more about Lup's response to this than he does anyone else's, hers is always the only opinion that really mattered.]

I don't-- A lot of shit went down while you were gone and it's not exactly the easiest stuff to talk about, you know? But I'm not trying to hide shit from you, I'd never do that. I just don't even know where to start with some of it. Like, forty fucking people died cause I had a stupid cooking show and my asshole assistant got jealous and poisoned the food. That's a fucking thing.

[He's doing that thing he does where he rambles a little.]

[She squeezes his hand again at that 'thanks', pulling some loose strands of hair behind one of his ears.

...and then he drops another bomb on her and Lup looks stricken.]

What? That's... fuck, Taako.

[Lup dials it back a bit because she didn't want to sound angry when her brother was obviously rambling, and might tell her even more about what was going on if he did, but the things he told her...

Forty people.]

I know you don't mean to hide anything from me, Koko. I've just been waiting for you to be ready.

So... why don't you try starting from the beginning and we'll work from there.

[Start from the beginning.]D

I killed Barry.

[His grip tightens on her hand, and the look he gives her is a silent plea for her to let him finish, but Taako feels like that's when it all started to go truly wrong. Losing Lup was awful, but he kept hope that they'd find her, that she'd come home, it wasn't until he had to kill Barry that it all got fucked up.]

Lulu, I don't-- You can't be mad at Lucretia, okay? She hasn't even done this yet and she... she did it because she was trying to fix things. [Fuck, this is so hard to explain; he's trying to keep it in order, but the story is so complicated he's not sure how to keep it in order.] It turns out if you drink water the voidfish is living you, you're immune to it's effects and after we broke the light apart, Lucretia fed our mission to the voidfish. She could remember, but the rest of us were forgetting everything, and Barry... he knew that if he was a lich the voidfish wouldn't effect him, so I killed him. And then I forgot.

[Forgot about the light, the relics, about Lup, but he wants to give her a second to take that in, before he continues.]

[She freezes, but his grip on her hand anchors her in the moment. Lup watches her brother as he finally opens up - and she immediately wishes she had never asked.

It feels like bile building in her chest, hurt and anger and confusion all in one, because it's Lucretia and that just made no sense. Sweet, lovely nerd Lucretia, full of ideas and brightness and... and she just bought her shirts!

She wants it to be a lie. She knows it isn't.

...and her Barry, dead and lich-y just like her. Running to death just to remember.]

You forgot.

[It's recognition, confirmation that she had taken in what he had said.]

So you forgot the mission, and you said you found my skeleton... Taako, did you think I was dead forever?

[It's a painful thought, but she cannot even fathom the fact that Fisher also ate the memory of her.]

[This is the worst part, what comes next, and he feels as though he isn't even breathing.]

For the last decade, I thought I'd always been alone.

[The words themselves don't come, because there's no way he can say I forgot you to the one person in his life that matters more than anything else. Admitting it even in this roundabout way hurts too much, knowing how it'll hit Lup. The last thing he ever wants to do is cause her pain.

But he can't lie to her.]

[She shatters. There's no other way to describe it. She's breaking apart and it's a goddamn nightmare come alive. Taako forgot her. Taako had been alone.

Lup swings through grief and denial (how could Lucretia) and hammers in on anger.

So there's rage, sparks sputtering into view as her evocation magic affects the energy around them. Lup could have forgiven anything but this.

She can't even speak, just a pained sound leaving her as she gets up from the couch.]

Fuck, fuck.

[Lup slides into anger quickly and Taako slips into panic at the same rate, scrambling to his feet as she does, reaching out for her without a second of thought at the sparks coming off her.]

Lup, don't. Just-- just wait a second, please. She hasn't even done it yet.

[Gods, but he's fucked up. He didn't want to tell her for this reason, he didn't want to throw Lucretia under the bus, but Lup always came first.

Now he's wondering if he made the right choice.]

[She looks at him, really looks at him, and tries to take a breath without really managing. She even ignores the angry tears because they threaten to just evaporate in the heat.

There's heat.]

How could she?! Taako, how could she do this, she's our friend, we're family and she... she took me away! I died and this shit is worse!

[She died and Taako didn't even remember her. She never existed and he thought he went through life alone. Not them side-by-side, living, fighting, starving, surviving together.

No moments of closeness, of figuring themselves out and embracing it. Just Taako.

No Lup.

She was forgotten.]

How could she... Taako, why.

I don't know.

[He's suddenly regretting not talking to Lucretia more, when the chalice had turned her into the director, but he hadn't felt capable of talking about it with her. Her reasoning didn't matter to him, what's done was done, but he feels like there needs to be more a reason, for Lup to come to terms with it.]

It was... maybe it wasn't supposed to be for as long as it was. The place we went, with the liches, she was trapped in there for fuck knows how long, I don't know what she gave up in there. Or maybe she thought it was better than missing you and I'm not-- god, Lup, I'm so angry at her and I'll never not be angry, but the Lucretia that did this doesn't exist yet, not here.

Fuck, I need to... I need to blow something up. I need to get this out or I will go over to the research place and set her on fire.

[It tastes like ashes just to say it, because honestly she doesn't want to. She wants it all to not be true, she wants to listen to Taako saying Lucretia here was not the same person as back in his timeline.]

T-Taako, I don't know what to do.

[Taako does the only thing he can think to do; he pulls Lup into a tight, crushing hug, pouring all the strength into it that he can, giving her permission to be just as rough with him. It's not the same as blowing something up, but right now this feels more important, reminding her that he's here, that he loves her, that no matter what they'll always find each other again.

It's a lot to put into a hug, but they've never really needed words between them.]

[It's an outlet, and probably a better one than blowing shit up - she's enveloped by all Taako, close and steady and grounding her. Giving her air, calming her heated blood.

Pushing logic over emotion, Lup makes another of those wounded sounds and then breaks down. It's too powerful for tears. She just holds on to him instead, as of she's afraid she'll disappear if she lets go.

Not only is her pain for Taako's loneliness, but for her own anonymity - dead and lost, with nobody looking for her. Nobody who knew....]

Wait... what happened to Barry?

[The last time he embraced her like this was decades ago, after some particularly gruesome death they both shared; they'd slammed into each other as soon as they'd been resurrected on the Starblaster, and didn't let go of each other. There was relief in that moment, it was a reunion, but this is so much harder than that, with Lup shaking in his arms. He would swear he can feel her heartbeat thudding through him, but maybe he's just imagining it.]

He never stopped looking for you. [There's no way to know that for sure, Barry never told him, but there are some truths that don't need to be spoken aloud to be known. Barry never would've stopped searching.] He must've been limited, as a lich, but in a body he'd forget like the rest of us.

[If she could have pulled her thoughts together, she would have remembered that time, too. Watching her brother die killed her inside each time, and dying together was even worse because she could see his grief and worry mixed with pain. It was always too much.

Yet it still didn't frighten her as much as being... nothing. Because with nobody remembering you, that's what you were, wasn't it? Nothing, a void. Not even as shadow.

...but for now, all she can do is hold on to the fact that close like this, they're one. An undamaged, living breathing whole. Taako was her heart, but her love also enveloped someone else just as fiercely these days. It twists the knife deeper, because Barry had been alone as well.]

He's been looking all this time? And you.... nobody remembered him either. Taako, we were supposed to keep eachother in check, is he okay? Is he still Barry?

[Is he keeping it together? Is he hurting?]

He's okay, he never stopped loving us.

[In retrospect, seeing Barry lose his composure while acting as the red robe is a little worrying, but Taako doesn't doubt that Barry is still using his love for his family to hold himself together.]

He's been looking out for us, he's the reason we didn't end up trapped in the liches' fucked up dungeon.

[She breathes, slow and shaky. Her Barry was okay. He had helped their stupid little family even when they didn't remember him.

It sounded just like him.]

That's my Barry.

[Lup says, and there's pride in there for her nerd.]

This... this is a lot to take in. Is there anything else?

[It's such a relief that she seems to be calming down; Taako was never worried about her hurting him, even accidentally, but he hates seeing her upset in any way.]

There's... I mean, it's been a decade, a lot of shit has happened but that's kind of the big stuff covered...

[She groans and leans back to the couch like she weighs a ton. her head kind of felt like that, anyway.]

Tell me something good that happened.

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