riverviewlogs | [open] we tried to bury it and rise above

[ The moment Taako calls him out on lying, the forced smile drops from Cisco's face. He breaks eye contact, mouth scrunching to the side in a momentary grimace. He might be a terrible liar, but it's usually worked before. People were either too polite or too distracted to actually call his very bad bluff.

And the fact that Taako's so cool about it, saying he doesn't owe him an answer but just wanting to know he's okay... that makes Cisco feel really guilty. Taako's been so friendly to him ever since he showed up - giving him awesome presents, trusting Cisco to see his spell-book, telling him about his adventures, even summoning this awesome unicorn for them. And Cisco... hasn't really trusted him with shit. ]

I'm not dying.

[ He could just leave it there, and he knows it. Cisco chews at a thumbnail nervously; he remembers their conversation where Taako was totally baffled by the idea of metas who would be ashamed and keep their powers hidden. Magic is normal, where he's from. He'd told Eddie, and the world hadn't collapsed. For all he knows, Taako thinks this is something way worse than it actually is. Cisco draws in a long, slightly shaky breath. ]

I, uh. I get... visions, sometimes.

[ It just sounds so anticlimactic, once he actually says it, and yet at the same time so unbearably big. Swallowing, Cisco goes on: ]

I saw you, and Garyl, and a really big muscley dude in leather armor, and a dwarf with a ponytail, and you were riding through some woods past this gnarly looking house. And the big guy was, like, waving? I don't know, I was trying pretty hard to snap out of it. Not that that ever works.

[His first thought is divination; they didn't have a divination expert in the IPRE crew, since wizard divination is different than actual divine magic, like what Merle does, but there were a few in his classes at the academy, so Taako knows that it means visions, predictions, all that fun sort of crap that he would never want to deal with. Transmuation is simple, there's no guess work, no worrying about what the future holds, just one thing to another thing and it's done.

And then he remembers that magic doesn't exist, where Cisco comes from, leaving the only explanation being that Cisco is a metahuman, and suddenly their previous conversation on this topic makes a whole lot more sense. Taako actually mutters ohhhh to himself, half distracted as he puts shit in context, before he refocuses back on what Cisco is saying.

It's strange to think of someone just having access to his past like that, and he's grateful it was something innocuous, a rushed but not terrible moment with his friends, rather than like... a death, or something more private. But Cisco seems to genuinely not be able to control it, so he's not about to hold a grudge over it.]

That would've been Refuge. Magnus and Merle, human and shitty dwarf, respectively. [It feels like a long time ago, even if it's only been about six months, including his time in the Quarantine.] That's kinda rad, though, do you just see other people's shit, or your own?

[ Cisco doesn't really know what reaction he expected from Taako, but a simple 'oohhhh' of understanding certainly wasn't it.

It's not like his sample size of people's reactions to his powers is huge. First, there had been Dr. Wells: like fuck was Taako's response going to be anything like that. Second had been Stein, curious, supportive, and mentorly - but despite his age, Taako really isn't the mentor type. With Eddie, well, the situation had been different. There'd been a lot more blood loss and it hadn't just been a vision that he'd seen.

So it's uncharted waters, and Cisco searches Taako's face for any sign of fear or mistrust, but he doesn't find any. If Taako is horrified, he's certainly hiding it well. It's clear he knows exactly who Cisco is talking about, when he mentions the other men he'd seen in the vision. The past, then. Cisco had figured. ]

What makes him shitty?

[ He doesn't think there's any actual animosity in the way Taako says that, so it just leaves him curious. Besides, well.
It'd be nice to shift a little of the focus off himself, thanks.

When Taako calls his powers rad, Cisco folds his arms, an unconscious gesture of his when he's uneasy. He shrugs. ] Not really. Not when I can't control them, and they're totally useless and annoying.

[ All of which is ludicrous understatement, of course. His visions are more than just useless and annoying. But it hurts a little less when he plays it off like they're the metahuman equivalent of a website with autoplay: obnoxious but ultimately harmless. If only. ]

Both. Depends on the context, I guess. I don't have any say in it, so most of the time I end up seeing stuff I really really don't want to see, at the worst time possible.

[ He still is keeping his tone as light as he can, but there's a little roughness underneath it that he can't entirely cover over, as much as he might want to. And that, too, echoes another conversation they'd had, about psychometry, when Cisco had speculated that that sort of power would be pointless if it couldn't be controlled. He'd been dropping hints without meaning to, little clues that probably only make sense now, in hindsight.

Cisco lifts a hand up to pat at Garyl's neck and says, jerkily: ] Please- don't tell anyone? Eddie knows, but nobody else. I don't want people to find out.

I had to listen to him seduce a bunch of vines.

[That is literally the only answer ever needed for why Merle is shitty, because it's a memory that's so thoroughly burned into Taako's mind he doesn't think even the voidfish could erase it. Merle seduced a bunch of plants and they had a plant orgasm and it was the worst day of Taako's entire life.

There's also the bad at healing thing and the overall crabby attitude Merle has, which... has started to make more sense, now that Taako knows what they've all forgotten, but really the vine thing covers it.

And it's not that vital to this conversation, anyway, he can complain about Merle at length some other time, right now they're having a conversation about Cisco's kinda cool, kinda annoying powers. he has a few things he wants to say, but he's going to focus on what he thinks is the most important part, first:]

I'm not gonna tell anyone. [He hasn't told anyone about Clark, even if Clark is terrible at keeping his secret anyway. Taako can add another set of secret powers to his list.] Now, trust me, I know this is gonna sound like a stupid question, but have you practiced this shit? Tried to control it?

[He realizes he's running the risk of this being kind of patronizing, since Cisco is going to know his own situation better than some asshole who only just found out about it, but the reluctant way Cisco talked about metas, the fact he's kept it a secret, it makes Taako wonder if he's just... tried to ignore this, rather than embracing it.]

Edited (im good at writing) 2017-06-22 03:59 (UTC)

Yikes.

[ That sounds like a story and a half, and now thanks to his vibe, it's harder for Cisco to avoid conjuring up a mental image of it, when he's actually seen what Merle looks like. Ugh. No thanks. Sometime, he's going to have to ask how matters even came to that eventuality, but right now he's content to just leave it at 'I heard him fuck a plant'.

There's no mistaking the sheer relief that comes over Cisco when Taako says he won't tell anyone about his powers. It's actually a sign of trust, that Cisco doesn't press the point and double-check that Taako really means it. Cisco believes him, the tension gradually easing from his shoulders. ]

Thanks.

[ As for Taako's stupid question, well. It's less of a question and more of a bullseye right to the truth, calling him out. Cisco shifts his weight from foot to foot, combs his fingers through Garyl's mane as he shrugs. ]

Not really.

[ He doesn't think "desperately trying to pretend it isn't happening" is really what Taako means by trying to control his powers. The only control he's ever really tried to exert on his own is trying to break free from the visions, while they are happening. Right before he'd come to this place, he'd actually wished for one, for the first time. He'd gone into his lab and touched the sand on the slide so he could get a sense where Patty was being held. But that had been an anomaly, and a terrible choice, since it was what made Stein realize the truth. But he feels the need to justify himself, to make it clear that he hasn't done nothing. ]

One time, back home, my friends needed... needed information from one of my visions. About a timeline that got changed. And they figured out that putting me in a lucid dream with these goggles I made would make that happen. But it was, like. [ Cisco keeps his eyes fixed to Garyl's mane, not looking at Taako, and it's a bit suspicious how carefully bland his voice is describing all this, considering how animated and full of inflections and emotions Cisco's speech patterns usually are. ] Horrible. So. Not really looking for a repeat of... that.

[ Another shrug, just to show that it's all casual and not a big deal, nope, not even a little. Isn't he so convincing? ]

I haven't got a clue how I would even start to practice it or control it even if I wanted to. I don't know what triggers them in the first place.

[As chatty as Garyl can be, for now he's willing to shut the hell up and let Cisco and Taako talk, happy to just chill while he's being used an an emotional support animal, since even though he's kind of an extension of Taako's personality, he still doesn't have a whole lot of sentience or his own concerns in life.

Taako is quiet because he's listening, letting Cisco explain that no, he hasn't tried to control his powers, something that's still a little baffling to someone who couldn't wrap their head around not being absolutely psyched about gaining abilities. Magic was something he had to take for himself, and as much as he acts like it's the easiest thing in the world, Taako spent long years practicing hard, to get where he is today.

But he can tell that it's not... great, for Cisco, whatever happens. Taako isn't a stranger to making light of real shitty situations, he's joked about their deaths more times than he can count, and tries not to dwell on the fact it was genuinely fucking traumatic, a lot of the time. So that he gets, the dismissive way Cisco talks about how horrible it is, but he doesn't think that's a reason not to keep trying.]

I mean, you're the science guy, aren't you? Look at the data.

[Based on what he knows of Barold, and even Lup, who dabbled heavily in experimentation and all that science shit, he has a hard time believing that Cisco couldn't figure out what triggers his powers.]

And it sounds like you already got one clue. Lucid dreaming isn't the easiest shit, but it's a start, right?

[Sure, Cisco said the last time he'd tried it had been horrible, but Taako doesn't see that as a reason not to try again.]

That requires data to look at in the first place.

[ Cisco sighs, the corners of his mouth dipping into a frown. Taako has a point, and he can't deny it. It's never been a question of 'can't', not really. Only of 'won't'. It's not that he can't figure out his powers, but that he won't try. It must seem crazy and illogical to Taako, and Cisco is aware of that.

There are reasons, of course - plenty of them - why he hasn't wanted to go down this road. But those reasons are long, complicated, and excruciatingly personal. No way is he going to stand here and explain to Taako about how he'd first discovered his powers by reliving his own murder over and over and over again, or about all that creepy shit Dr. Wells said to him about his powers being a gift from him. All of that stuff just makes him way, way, way too vulnerable. He's already taken a huge leap of faith, admitting to Taako that he has powers at all (and even then, he hadn't mentioned anything about whatever it was he'd done to blast that monster that attacked him and Eddie, or about what Kara said about him opening breaches). ]

Yeah. I guess I can... look up lucid dreaming, try and figure out, y'know... what's up with my head. 'Cause when it started it was only when I was asleep, and I thought I was just having a lot of weird-ass nightmares, but it's been happening more and more when I'm awake, lately.

[ And right about then he needs something, anything at all, to lighten the mood. So Cisco reaches over to that little bag of sugar cubes Taako is still holding, only instead of feeding one to Garyl, he just pops one directly into his mouth. ]

You ever know anyone who had magic that gave them visions or who could see into alternate timelines or any of that?

[ Who knows - maybe it would be a help. Somehow. ]

[Honestly, eating an entire cube of sugar is a totally valid coping mechanism; Taako isn't going to judge.]

Well, yeah? You've got divination, the whole point of it is to see the future and hidden things and all that crap. [Again: super not his wheelhouse, and he thinks it's a bit of a wishy-washy kind of magic, hard to pin down and hard to use, which is why he rarely relies on it. He'd tried a divination spell with the portal and while he got something slightly useful, it's hardly the concrete answers he'd like.] And there's one spell that can fuck around with timelines, but we don't mess with that.

[Taako isn't at a high level enough to cast wish, and even if he was, it would have to be a very desperate situation for him to take the gamble on a spell that can backfire so horribly.]

I can, uh, shape dreams? Of other people? [It's an offering, sort of, although considering how difficult this whole thing seems for Cisco, he adds:] I get that's a big fucking leap, trusting someone to mess around in your head, but if you ever want to give it a shot...

[Maybe it would help?]

[ Cisco wonders; hidden things, he can see. Things that have already happened, things that have happened and then been erased. Could he someday see the future, too? He doesn't have a clue. Maybe Taako is onto something - maybe the not knowing really is worse than knowing would be.

The comment about messing with timelines surprises a little snort of laughter from Cisco. ]

Naw, leave that up to the speedsters.

[ Which is a joke that he would have gone on to explain, except then Taako is telling him that he can shape dreams, and Cisco goes still. It doesn't sound like a lot of the other magic Taako's told him about - most of that had to do with changing matter itself, one way or another. ]

Shape, like... how? [ There is some potential, there. If nothing else, if Taako can do all that, he could probably help the process along, getting Cisco into a lucid dream in the first place. The trouble is, every time he's vibed while he was asleep, it's always been the same. Always been Dr. Wells, in the basement, with the murder. ]

When you... do that, do you see what's in the dream?

[ He'll have to think about it - about that whole trust thing, and about whether it's a good idea to mix Taako's magic and his power in an unprecedented way. Maybe it would end up scrambling his brain. Maybe he'd get caught in some kind of horrible loop and never wake up. Or maybe none of that would happen. But if the process involves Taako seeing what he sees, well. That's a whole other thing to consider. The last time he'd tried the lucid dreaming thing there'd been a whole lot of screaming and begging for help and not a lot of dignity. He isn't really sure he wants Taako seeing him like that, even if there are no side effects. ]

[As far as Taako is concerned, all speedsters seem to do is create a whole lot of trouble, so he's happy to extrapolate based on his bias and what Cisco says, that apparently they fuck with time, too.

Idiots.]

Like, you know, I come chill out in your brain pan while you're sleeping and we can chat, but I'd be in control of the environment of the dream. The landscape and what's in there and all that shit. So yeah, I'd see what's happening.

[For a given value of seeing, since it's all in their heads, but he'd definitely be aware of it. He can create nightmares, too, and do some serious damage to a person, but he decides not to mention that part. It's not out of any ulterior motives, he just knows that he's not going to do that to Cisco, so it seems pointless to bring it up and cause any worries.]

Yeaaaahhh, so, here's the thing.

[ Cisco keeps his voice conversational, but he's sure none of what he's about to say is going to be a huge shock to Taako. He knows that it's probably obvious he's acting a bit squirrely and avoidant for a reason. Taako's not an idiot or anything. ]

I'm not saying definitely never. It's really nice of you to offer, and it's not like I think you would try to mess with my head or whatever. But, see... a lotta the time with my visions, it's like... [ Cisco shrugs, smiles a tiny brittle in a way that definitely has nothing to do with actual happiness. ] ...top ten hits of bad stuff that's happened to me, actually, and I'm not about to make you sit through that, you know? Even if you can change the vision so there's a scenic backdrop.

[ Cisco clears his throat; he doesn't mention that it's a question of privacy, as well. Just frames it as a desire to spare Taako from boredom or horror or some combination thereof. And maybe it's not ideal for the situation, but right now Cisco's just about reached his limit for talking about this. He asks, with false brightness and sudden vigor: ]

So are we gonna go on an adventure or what?

Edited 2017-06-23 04:48 (UTC)

[Taako is sometimes an idiot, but he gets what isn't being said and the real reasoning behind Cisco's excuse. It's why he doesn't bother to point out that he can handle whatever shit is likely floating around in Cisco's head, considering... everything that he's seen. Taako can't imagine letting someone see one of his own deaths, or one of Lup's or something like Glamoursprings.

So he just shrugs.]

Don't even sweat it.

[The reassurance that he knows Taako wouldn't mess with him isn't really necessary, and he's happy to move on to the adventure that was totally planned before they got side tracked.

Taako raises a hand to gently tug at the magic that is Garyl, forming a saddle. Then he flashes Cisco a grin.]

You wanna be the big spoon or the little spoon?

[ Cisco is relieved when Taako lets the matter drop, and he has to admit t himself that, all in all, the whole thing could have gone a lot worse. Taako knows about his powers, or at least a small portion of them, and he's not treating him any different. He'd nudged Cisco in the direction of figuring his shit out, but then he'd let him be.

So now Cisco can do what he's always done before, and compartmentalize the hell out of all that so he can go back to being the sunny, enthusiastic person that he would like to me. It's practically a visible process, the way he closes the door on the things he'd said and the things he'd only vaguely alluded to, and refocuses on the moment, and Garyl's new stylish saddle, and his grinning friend. ]

There's gotta be a better way to put it than that. [ But he's smiling, now, too, so mission accomplished. ]
Pretty sure you don't want a face full of backpack, so, um, big spoon it is

[ He pats Garyl's neck one last time and walks over to the stirrups. Sure, he's never actually ridden a horse before, but he's watched plenty of movies. How hard can it be? Well, actually, it is a little more awkward than he'd anticipated, but Cisco manages to get his foot into the stirrup and to haul himself somewhat ungracefully onto the saddle. It's a lot higher up than he'd imagined, but once he's settled in it is comfortable enough. ]

The other option was asking if you wanted to ride bitch.

[He thinks he chose the better way to phrase it, although maybe next time he'll go for the slightly more insulting option, just for shits and giggles.

Other things worth giggling about: Cisco's slightly awkward attempt at getting on Garyl, though he's nice enough to try to keep that mostly to himself, waiting for Cisco to get settled. Taako has an easier time with it; even after losing a bit of it to the liches, he has a pretty high dex modifier, which makes it simple enough to grab a handful of Garyl's mane to hop up in front of Cisco.

It's a snug fit, but there isn't a lot of Taako.]

You've ridden a horse before, right?

[ Cisco thinks that all those romance novels he's definitely never ever read that describe people riding horses together were overselling both how comfortable and romantic it is supposed to be. The reality is much more dodging so Taako's hair didn't whip him in the face, and trying not to crowd Taako but also to keep his balance, and feeling like all this might be easier if he had longer legs. ]

Naw. Horses aren't exactly in, where I'm from.

[ Cisco isn't sure if he's supposed to hold onto Taako's shoulders or what, so for now he just grips at the saddle right behind his legs, thinking that there is no way he is going to let himself fall off. That would be way too mortifying. He can do this. It should be simple, it's just... sitting on a thing that's alive and moving. Easy. ]

Nobody rides horses except super pretentious rich people, and they just kind of make them jump through obstacle courses and get wherever they want to go on a jet.

[He could have magicked a two person saddle, but honestly those are just as difficult to wrangle, and Taako is fine to sit a little further up Garyl's back, giving Cisco the main part of the saddle.]

This is gonna be super fun then, keep your feet in the stirrups and hold on with your thighs. I mean, you can hold onto me, too, but your legs are a lot stronger than your arms.

[Garyl is, at least, being patient about this. And it makes it easier that Garyl is a semi-real, semi-sentient horse, because it means Taako doesn't have to really bother with the reins.]

We'll start slow, right?

[ Cisco is more than willing to take any pointers from Taako, who is obviously very used to riding on horseback. He grips on with his thighs as tightly as he can (honestly, probably overdoing it a little bit) and, after a moment of consideration, keeps one hand gripping the saddle and sets the other on Taako's shoulder, just in case. At least this way if Cisco goes falling off, Taako will know right away.

Hopefully, though, it won't come to that. ]

Right.

[ Despite his nervousness about falling off, Cisco has started to smile. He is riding on a unicorn, and the wonder and strangeness of that is too much not to appreciate it a little bit. If he weren't sure that doing so would absolutely send him falling off, he would be trying to take the world's sickest selfie right now, so that he can boast about this later. Oh well. ]

What d'you say? Giddyup? Go Garyl Go?

You can just ask me to start moving, dude.

[Which is exactly what Garyl does, starting at a walk as he picks his way down one of the tracks, doing his absolute best to keep the bumpiness to a minimum, although they're still going a fair bit faster than they would on foot.

After a little while, Taako pipes up again:]

You still with me?

[ It's probably a good thing that Taako had told Garyl to start slow; it takes a little bit of adjustment, getting used to the specific kind of swaying that comes with being on horseback. But as they move, gradually Cisco stops freaking out and overthinking it quite so much and just sort of settles into it, holding on tightly with his legs and keeping one hand on Taako's shoulder, even as he lets go of the saddle with the other.

And it's kind of nice - the sound of Garyl's hooves, and seeing the scenery go by from this weirdly tall vantage point. So when Taako asks if Cisco is still with him, he can answer with genuine enthusiasm: ]

Hell yeah. This isn't so hard. I think I'm getting the hang of it.

[ A little overconfident, maybe, but then perhaps they can speed up just a little and he can find out where it is they're going. Besides, it would be exciting to try something a bit faster. ]

So how, uh, did you and Garyl meet? Or did you make him, or...?

He's all illusion, baby.

[Taako gives Garyl a pat on the neck, and between that and Cisco's confidence, he decides to pick up the pace a little. It's not quite a trot, but it's faster than the easiest meandering they'd been doing previously.]

He can act independently and shit when I make him, but he's not like, a fully realized creature. [Garyl doesn't seem bothered by this awareness of his limited existence.] His personality is just an aspect of mine, really.

[ Cisco thinks that maybe his definition of illusion and Taako's are a little bit different. Garyl feels solid, and real, and he's really getting them to wherever they're going way faster than they would have on foot. So he is real, isn't a lie.

But he is fake - not a real talking unicorn that Taako just summoned here, but a being that he'd created out of thin air, and presumably which would go back into thin air later on. It's weird, thinking of the unicorn as a kind of offshoot of Taako, but after a moment it kind of make sense. There is something decidedly Taako-ish about the creature. He'd just thought they had an affinity, but apparently it's more than that. ]

Your magic is so dope.

[ The ride is a bit bumpier once Garyl speeds up, but Cisco adapts to that, too. There's only one moment when his balance is a little bit off, and he quickly corrects it by tightening his grip on Taako's shoulder and then holding on a little more firmly with his legs. ]

Whoops- I'm good, I'm good.

[ Even knowing what he does, it feels the tiniest bit weird, knowing Garyl can hear him and understand him, but still talking ABOUT him to Taako rather than to him. ]

So did you decide what Garyl was gonna look like in advance, or is it just, I'm gonna cast this spell that's going to take a part of me and make it into a mighty steed, and maybe when I do I'll learn something about myself in the process?

[Garyl doesn't stop when Cisco has his little moment of difficulty, mostly because he assumes Taako has got it under control, which he mostly does.]

Here, I'm not gonna explain to Eddie if you fall off and crack your skull.

[He's just going to lift Cisco's hand off his shoulder and guide it to his waist, since it's a less precarious and more stable spot to hold onto, rather than lifting his hand up too high to hold onto Taako's shoulder.]

Taako's the reason I look rad as hell.

[Although Taako is also the reason that Garyl thinks he looks rad as hell, so there's a bit of a weird situation there.]

Most wizards just make normal horses, but like, that's so fucking boring.

[ Cisco is more than happy to keep his hand on Taako's waist after he puts it there, laughing a little at Taako saying he doesn't want to explain to Eddie if Cisco gets hurt. He's starting to think he knows Taako well enough to guess that maybe Taako doesn't want Cisco to get hurt, period, but that it's easier for him to pretend it's for Eddie's sake.

That explanation doesn't really answer his question, but maybe the answer doesn't really matter, either. Maybe the two of them don't even know. Cisco's kind of glad he's the big spoon, because it means Taako can't see how widely he's grinning as he shakes his head a little and declares: ]

You're a lot of things, Taako, but boring is definitely not one of 'em.

[ Then he starts to explain a series of books he'd read growing up, where people's souls existed outside their bodies in the form of animals, and those animals could change while they were younger but eventually settled into a form that reflected who that person truly was. ]

So I guess Garyl's a bit like that, for you.

[That compliment gets a pleased little hum of approval from Taako; he likes hearing the regular kind of compliments, but being called interesting is pretty up there, since it means he's doing something right.

Also: Cisco's a fucking nerd pass it on.]

I dunno if we gotta bring souls into it, I'm pretty sure all of mine is still chilling where it's supposed to be. It's like... I got a spell that can kinda replicate myself, but it's just an illusory extension of me, with my personality. Garyl's kinda that way. [Wait, he's got it! Taako snaps his fingers.] Like an echo! He's an echo of me.

An equine echo. [ The amusement is clear in Cisco's voice even though Taako can't see him smiling at his own little bit of alliteration. ] I didn't mean I think Garyl's actually a bit of your soul or whatever. I only brought those books up 'cause he suits you. I always wondered what my echo'd be like, if all of that were real.

[ That had been before the particle accelerator, before Cisco's life actually became fantastical and fabulous. ]

Speedsters can do something a little bit like that, y'know, only they do it by running so fast between two places that it just looks like there's two of them standing there, and you don't know which one's just the afterimage.

[ And Cisco's a touch self-conscious, for the first time, about the fact that he knows at least twenty times as much about speedsters and their capabilities than he knows about his own powers. Maybe that is kind of not great. That's something to think about, as they ride together towards their destination. ]

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