[closed] I can't help this awful energy

[seeingscarlet]

who: Wanda and Loki
what: Magical shenanigans and training.
when: July 18
where: Gramarye
warnings: None

[Wanda pauses outside Loki's office the day after their conversation, biting her lip before knocking. Of course she's a little nervous. How could she not be? Loki's the only other person she knows of who has both real experience with the Mind Stone and the magical knowledge to understand it. He's her best hope.

If he can't help her, at least there's still Stephen and Billy's books, but her powers are still some degree of different. She's not a sorcerer or a mutant...she just is, and whatever this power is, it's hers. Wanda doesn't know if she'll ever reach a point of absolute comfort with them - she has such an odd relationship with them. Some days it really feels like they're as much a part of her as any limb, but then something will happen and everything feels wrong and off, like her foot's asleep or she's having to remind herself to breathe. Still part of her, but uncomfortable and sometimes frightening in its potential.

But deep down, Wanda knows he's right - she can't keep going like this indefinitely.

She manages to school her expression into something more neutral before the door opens. Thankfully, her voice doesn't betray her.]


Hi. [Not her most eloquent but she's here at least.] Is this a good time?

Comments

[seeingscarlet]

[The scarlet energy vanishes and Wanda's hand falls back to her side. She has so many questions - how, for one (and always, why them although she 's not asking that).]

You can read minds too?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki hesitates. ]

Yes. Working with perception and mental scapes is my ability. It is not often advertised though and very few know of it.

[seeingscarlet]

[Well, since she's tried so hard to keep her own mental abilities quiet, she really can't blame him.]

Don't you ever get lost in...in everyone else? It wasn't so bad when my brother was alive but now...

[dothelokimotion]

I used to, when I was younger. But I've had centuries of practice.

[ And getting lost is something Loki does in abundance. He's always found his way back. ]

[seeingscarlet]

How did you stop it?

[Easier to start there rather than jumping straight into 'how do I not get overwhelmed and explode again.']

[dothelokimotion]

For one, "stopping" is the wrong way to do it. You cannot hope to fight every mind, win every battle.

[seeingscarlet]

[That's still not going to stop her from trying.]

Then how should I think of it?

[dothelokimotion]

You can't treat the mind as a battle between yourself and another. You have to treat it like a river. Do not submerge yourself but swim alongside it.

[seeingscarlet]

Easier when it isn't so...loud? That's not...

[She shakes her head. There aren't words in any language she knows that can properly describe it.]

What about pain? Is that any different for you?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki frowns, mulling that over. ]

It might be. I have a large threshold for pain. I don't acknowledge it very often.

[seeingscarlet]

Every time I've tried to push through it something bad has happened. It doesn't matter if it's mine or someone else's.

[For all her power she's no stronger than an average woman her age, the Avengers' very own glass canon.]

Maybe that's why my...problem was so obvious last time. [The only way she'd been able to find anyone was to reach out and follow the source of the pain, and the distraction made her control less sure.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ His expression flickers briefly. He's still working through his own grief, his own inability to truly do good. But Loki pushes it away. Now was not the time for his own sentiments. ]

It's possible that you're trying to force the connection and that's where the problems occur. You have to be distanced in your use. You can't let yourself be overwhelmed.

[seeingscarlet]

[She notices the way his expression shifts and files that away for later. Now doesn't seem like the best time to ask.]

I could be doing it wrong, [she agrees with a shrug.] I was taught to do whatever got faster results.

What does it feel like for you when you read someone?

[It's one of those things that might be easier to show rather than tell, and Wanda might very well let him. It's not like she has much to lose, and no one could possibly hurt her more than she already has been famous last words.]

[dothelokimotion]

I feel whatever they feel. But I never lose sight of myself.

[ Such was the way when Loki pulled out Valkyrie's memories. He felt every cut, every measure of pain. But he never gets sucked in to the point that he forgets himself. Otherwise it is a worthless power. ]

[seeingscarlet]

[...ah.]

Maybe that's the problem.

[Her voice is quiet, small. There's been so much upheaval in her life since the fall of Sokovia, but no, her powers haven't been the same since Pietro's death. She'd thought it was grief.

Maybe it's something more, something deeper.]

I am used to holding on to someone else, like an anchor. I don't...know how to do it alone yet.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki has no context for that. He's unfamiliar with the newer Avengers and prefers it that way. ]

Then you have to learn. People are no anchors. They cannot last.

[seeingscarlet]

[Harsh, but deep down Wanda knows he's right. If she wants to go forward, she's going to have to start over from scratch. Just like she's still trying to find out who she is on her own.]

How should I start? You say not to fight it so much...you ground in yourself, yes?

[dothelokimotion]

[ He hums. ]

You need to gather up all that you are. Not simply the parts you are content to live with, but the bitter and angry thoughts as well.

[seeingscarlet]

And the parts that frighten me.

[It's not a question.

Wanda knows she'll never be quite like the others - she has too much of a vengeful streak that she can't quite leave behind and there's always someone out there cruel enough to wake it.

She makes a face. This sounds like one of those eyeroll-inducing maxims from the books Billy let her borrow.]

...is this something I need to stop being afraid of before it will stop giving me reasons to be afraid?

[dothelokimotion]

No.

[ If that had been the case, Loki wouldn't be able to function at all. He would have been stopped at the gates. ]

You cannot expunge fear. You can only choose when it affects you the most.

[seeingscarlet]

[Well, it's good that it isn't necessary, because Wanda's pretty sure she can't. She makes a face.]

There aren't enough 'positive affirmations' in the world for that. I don't think they're helping.

[Or meditation, but that's for completely unrelated reasons. Quieting her mind is a struggle when it's constantly bombarded by everyone else's thoughts and feelings, but it sounds like she's not approaching it the right way.]

If I am thinking about all of this wrong, then how should I practice?

[dothelokimotion]

[ He takes a moment to work it out mentally. ]

You have to start from the bottom and work your way to the top. Start with the worst before you can deal with the better parts. Find a space and start projecting that outwardly.

[seeingscarlet]

I think I can try that.

[It's a better place to start - actually feels like she's doing something.]

Do you think there is anything else I can do? I've learned to use the energy to move things or attack or make shields, but I know other magic users can do much more.

[dothelokimotion]

You should find other abilities. Relying on the ones that the Mind Stone provided can be a double-edged sword.

What would you be interested in?

[seeingscarlet]

I've seen Stephen and Billy open doors to other places? But I'm not sure my powers work like that.

[She fidgets again. Part of the oldest fear rears its head again: what if she really is no more than a weapon? What if her powers are only really good for one thing?]

I want to learn something that can help people. Something less...destructive.