If I can't wish myself into not existing there's no way I'm going to wish you into not existing.
( his abuse of power display is one of the things that caused this whole fucking mess, no thanks. billy tries to play that off as a joke, but--it's not very funny. whatever. )
I have your housewarming gift. And copious amounts of ice cream.
( a few more minutes, and there's a soft knock against teddy's door. billy looks--a little better. bruises faded a bit, lip less swollen, and a bag full of pints of ice cream in one hand. )
[Teddy looks better too -- no more bruises, cleaned up. He's tired, maybe. He hasn't been sleeping at all, really, but-- perk of being a shapeshifter is no one really has to know.
He manages a weak smile as he motions Billy in, glad to see him healing up fairly well.]
Hey... come in. I was just trying to find a movie or something to put on.
( it sucks when everything possible reminds him of loki. loki calling himself a basic bitch over having a chocolate milkshake (ice cream), watching movies on lokiflix. )
I've got your gift. ( a hand back into his belt and billy pulls the long thin tube he left hooked into a belt loop, offering it out to teddy when he walks in through the door. )
( his shoulders lift in a small, idle shrug--but billy kicks his shoes off closeish to the door. heads towards the couch, and sits down pressed tight into one of the corners, both arms wrapping around his knees and the bag of ice cream sitting in the middle. )
[Both the gift and the movie thing. It's the lease he can do, a stupid gift. Once he's back with the spoons, he sits on the other end of the couch, as far away as he can comfortably get.]
Don't worry about it.
[He does reach for the bag though. Strawberry ice cream does sound good... something his mom might have brought him on a bad day, at least. And he's having some really bad days at the moment.]
I have it on some dumb action movie. You can flip around if you want.
( there are a few different brands of strawberry ice cream in the bag. nothing but strawberry, either, and billy doesn't show any interest in grabbing a pint out of it. instead he wraps arms around his legs, presses his chin to the tops of his knees and keeps eyes forward towards the television without really focusing in on any of it. )
Mindless violence is good. ( better than anything sappy or sad, and the loud noises coming from the screen don't bother him much. ) I wasn't. . going to stay for long anyway.
[He honestly never thought that Billy liked strawberry ice cream quite that much, so he pretty much gathers real quick he isn't planning on sticking around.]
Mm. Probably for the best anyway. [He pauses, giving Billy a look from the corner of his eye. For once in his life, conversation isn't easy with Billy. He's not particularly enjoying himself -- and that feeling of being alone in the world, hell-- maybe every universe, is only heightened, not relieved with the company.
( a deep breath in, steadying. it's--hard, being like this. being around teddy had always been easy, a comforting presence, teddy was always someone who really--got him, understood where billy was coming from, knew what to say, what to do. but they're all at a loss here. billy doesn't know what he's doing, nor does teddy, loki won't even--answer him. )
I've made a lot of mistakes, lately. I know. I hurt you, I hurt Loki, and honestly it's--I don't know how to fix this. Or if I can. But I'm sorry, and I'm--going to work on it, I guess? You deserve better than this.
I've been heart broken since the day I arrived here, you know. I didn't get months to get over you... I was just suddenly your ex over night and you had this fantastic relationship. I haven't known what to do, but try to hang on, hope maybe there'd be something like we used to have, but--
[He shakes his head, idly prodding at the ice cream he has in his hand with his spoon, not really eating any of it.]
Maybe there can't be. I don't know. I do know I'm tired of feeling like the other man. I'm tired of feeling like I wrecked your life and Loki's. I'm tired of being hurt or hurting people... and just feeling out of place or alone.
[But he's already said that, right? And he's not for sure it's going to change anything.]
Loki seems to think he's not good enough for you, you know... that he's disappointing you or that you just-- want me... Another me. That's what he told me at the hospital. I tried to tell him that wasn't the case, you know, that I wasn't here to take anything away from him-- least of all you... [He debates for a moment mentioning the kiss, but-- it was oddly one of the simplest things that's happened to him lately, in the nicest possible way, and he kind of selfishly doesn't want to tarnish it right now, or have it be the start of another fight.]
I don't know if that'll help you work on whatever, knowing all that, but-- I figured you should know that we talked, that he was pretty messed up.
[He pauses, letting out a sigh.] And you're right. I've made plenty of mistakes myself lately, I'm not denying that, but I think I do deserve a little better. I don't know what that is yet, but... I'll figure it out, I guess. I don't really know how you can fix things either, but I hope you figure it out too.
I don't know if you've realized it yet, but--my relationship status is far from "fantastic" right now.
( there's no reason he should be sitting here telling teddy what he wanted from loki. what he wants. there's a whole conversation he could be having about how the--the only thing billy truly wanted was loki, that somehow it all must have gotten lost somewhere in translation. that he thought loki was trying to fuck off and leave him before he even came to save him. how pissed he was about the "everything feels like it was a dream" commentary. that his head was a mess when loki found him, that the boyfriend comment felt out of place when loki was already saying billy already let go of him.
but teddy doesn't need to sit through billy's bullshit more than he already has. he--shakes his head instead, raises a hand to dig teeth into a knuckle. thinks through his words so he doesn't end up shoving his foot into his mouth, again. )
You and Loki are two entirely different people. I never expected him to be a second you. I didn't expect things to just be okay with us, either. Honestly, we. . had this whole conversation before he found me underground, and I didn't know where he thought we stood at all. But I don't. . want to subject you to all the Loki and me talk when--when yeah, you didn't have months. You've barely had any time at all, and none of this is fair to you, either.
Honestly, maybe it's better if I just. . stay away from relationships at all for a while. ( lips pursing, and billy turns his head away, focuses his eyes on the door leading out of teddy's small studio. ) All I've done is upset everyone and that's not what relationships are for. They're supposed to be supportive not--not massively destructive like this.
Yeah, I've noticed. And I've noticed I've played a part in it.
[And no-- he's not sure he can handle that. He can be glad Billy found someone who made him happy, but it can still hurt like hell not being it... probably never being it again. All he wants to do is curl up and cry again, but he's pretty sure he's spent on tears.]
None of it's fair at all. [He gives a shrug of his shoulders as Billy continues on.] I can't really tell you what's right when it comes to relationships. That's sort of your own decision, right? And anyway, I've been failing at them a lot lately, even before I came here, I think.
[He notices the way Billy's looking and lets out a sigh.] You-- don't have to stay, you know.
Sorry. ( he breaths it out a little breathlessly, turning eyes back onto teddy with a soft smile on his lips that doesn't quite reach his eyes at all. )
I didn't come here to ask you for relationship advice, promise. That'd--be stupidly selfish and unfair. You don't deserve that.
( doesn't deserve most the bullshit billy puts him through, honestly. he's fucked this up in more ways than he can possibly count. billy doesn't know how to fix this. doesn't know where to start. if there even is a place to start, or if it's all just--trying his best the best he possibly can. )
I. . don't. ( the bed in his new apartment isn't nearly as comfortable as the one he's used to, it's not covered in toasty furs and more importantly: it's missing the person he's spent the last several months getting used to cuddling up to. not having someone to wake up next to in addition to the terrible nerve-wracking nightmares that rest behind eyelids, just waiting to catch him off guard, is a little too much. )
Being fine sooner or later means you're not now. ( as sad and depressing as that is. ) Is there anything I can do to help you? Aside from the non-existing thing.
You should go home and try then. You still need sleep. [He's not like Teddy -- Teddy's body can handle most abuse and still heal itself. Billy isn't nearly so physically resilient -- no more than any other human.]
It isn't the first time I've been not fine, Billy. It won't be the last either. I always get through it somehow. [He lets out a sigh, shrugging his shoulders.] I honestly don't know, Billy... Probably not.
I can't. ( he's trying to avoid turning this into billy-time, teddy isn't helping any in that. maybe just--leaving it off as an "i can't" is best, keeps it from going into anything more depressing.
billy shakes his head instead, wrings his hands in front of calves. )
I can bring you ice cream every day. Or whatever else you need. Watch movies with you, so you're not alone.. I don't know, something. ( something to help teddy, even if it really is for the selfish reason of not feeling like a useless asshole. )
[He lets out a sigh when Billy protests -- and he wants to insist a little more, but. Fine. It's not really his place right now to keep pressing or prying or worrying.]
I mean, you already brought way more ice cream than I can finish in a week, Billy. [He gives a shake of his head, huffing out a laugh.]
It's fine. Anything I might have asked you to do before is-- well, that's not us anymore, and I doubt it would be as comforting now. [Or at all, really, all things considered. Billy lying next to him while he sleeps, someone to curl around, or letting him put his head down on him for a few minutes--
They're all kind of terrible reminders of what he doesn't have, so.]
( that's not us anymore and it's still quite a painful reminder. god. what did he do in his life to deserve being put in this awkward as fuck position: loving two different people but fucking up so bad one wants him to forget he exists at all and the other--hates him now. something. billy's expression pinches up tight, before he softens again, uncurls his legs from his chest and offers teddy a hand. )
I think there's something I can still do. Not--boyfriend intimate or anything, promise.
[Teddy hesitates, eyeing Billy's hand almost... warily. Holding hands is even a bit too intimate at the moment, but Billy wants to help-- and he figures that he's stubborn enough to stick around and keep insisting until he does it.]
Okay... what?
[He reaches out, placing his hand carefully in Billy's.]
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[He'd hoped they would, if he just kept away. It kind of sucks, feeling like the homewrecker. He wouldn't recommend it.
Feeling like he's lost Billy, or should keep away, kind of sucks too. The one guy who made him feel a little less alone in the world...]
Unless you can wish me into not existing for a bit, I'm okay. Just-- sticking close to my place for the most part.
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( his abuse of power display is one of the things that caused this whole fucking mess, no thanks. billy tries to play that off as a joke, but--it's not very funny. whatever. )
I have your housewarming gift. And copious amounts of ice cream.
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[Because not existing sounds oddly nice right now-- which is a way he doesn't usually feel when their lives are short enough as superheroes anyway.]
You didn't have to actually get me a gift, you know. But you can stop by if you want.
[Especially if he brings ice cream...]
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( he--needs to fix something, at least. may as well try this. )
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( a few more minutes, and there's a soft knock against teddy's door. billy looks--a little better. bruises faded a bit, lip less swollen, and a bag full of pints of ice cream in one hand. )
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He manages a weak smile as he motions Billy in, glad to see him healing up fairly well.]
Hey... come in. I was just trying to find a movie or something to put on.
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I've got your gift. ( a hand back into his belt and billy pulls the long thin tube he left hooked into a belt loop, offering it out to teddy when he walks in through the door. )
And the ice cream, of course.
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[He gives a short smile as he takes the tube and motions him over towards the couch.]
Go sit down. I'll grab some spoons.
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( his shoulders lift in a small, idle shrug--but billy kicks his shoes off closeish to the door. heads towards the couch, and sits down pressed tight into one of the corners, both arms wrapping around his knees and the bag of ice cream sitting in the middle. )
Didn't think to bring any movies, sorry.
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[Both the gift and the movie thing. It's the lease he can do, a stupid gift. Once he's back with the spoons, he sits on the other end of the couch, as far away as he can comfortably get.]
Don't worry about it.
[He does reach for the bag though. Strawberry ice cream does sound good... something his mom might have brought him on a bad day, at least. And he's having some really bad days at the moment.]
I have it on some dumb action movie. You can flip around if you want.
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Mindless violence is good. ( better than anything sappy or sad, and the loud noises coming from the screen don't bother him much. ) I wasn't. . going to stay for long anyway.
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Mm. Probably for the best anyway. [He pauses, giving Billy a look from the corner of his eye. For once in his life, conversation isn't easy with Billy. He's not particularly enjoying himself -- and that feeling of being alone in the world, hell-- maybe every universe, is only heightened, not relieved with the company.
It's miserable, honestly.]
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( a deep breath in, steadying. it's--hard, being like this. being around teddy had always been easy, a comforting presence, teddy was always someone who really--got him, understood where billy was coming from, knew what to say, what to do. but they're all at a loss here. billy doesn't know what he's doing, nor does teddy, loki won't even--answer him. )
I've made a lot of mistakes, lately. I know. I hurt you, I hurt Loki, and honestly it's--I don't know how to fix this. Or if I can. But I'm sorry, and I'm--going to work on it, I guess? You deserve better than this.
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[He shakes his head, idly prodding at the ice cream he has in his hand with his spoon, not really eating any of it.]
Maybe there can't be. I don't know. I do know I'm tired of feeling like the other man. I'm tired of feeling like I wrecked your life and Loki's. I'm tired of being hurt or hurting people... and just feeling out of place or alone.
[But he's already said that, right? And he's not for sure it's going to change anything.]
Loki seems to think he's not good enough for you, you know... that he's disappointing you or that you just-- want me... Another me. That's what he told me at the hospital. I tried to tell him that wasn't the case, you know, that I wasn't here to take anything away from him-- least of all you... [He debates for a moment mentioning the kiss, but-- it was oddly one of the simplest things that's happened to him lately, in the nicest possible way, and he kind of selfishly doesn't want to tarnish it right now, or have it be the start of another fight.]
I don't know if that'll help you work on whatever, knowing all that, but-- I figured you should know that we talked, that he was pretty messed up.
[He pauses, letting out a sigh.] And you're right. I've made plenty of mistakes myself lately, I'm not denying that, but I think I do deserve a little better. I don't know what that is yet, but... I'll figure it out, I guess. I don't really know how you can fix things either, but I hope you figure it out too.
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( there's no reason he should be sitting here telling teddy what he wanted from loki. what he wants. there's a whole conversation he could be having about how the--the only thing billy truly wanted was loki, that somehow it all must have gotten lost somewhere in translation. that he thought loki was trying to fuck off and leave him before he even came to save him. how pissed he was about the "everything feels like it was a dream" commentary. that his head was a mess when loki found him, that the boyfriend comment felt out of place when loki was already saying billy already let go of him.
but teddy doesn't need to sit through billy's bullshit more than he already has. he--shakes his head instead, raises a hand to dig teeth into a knuckle. thinks through his words so he doesn't end up shoving his foot into his mouth, again. )
You and Loki are two entirely different people. I never expected him to be a second you. I didn't expect things to just be okay with us, either. Honestly, we. . had this whole conversation before he found me underground, and I didn't know where he thought we stood at all. But I don't. . want to subject you to all the Loki and me talk when--when yeah, you didn't have months. You've barely had any time at all, and none of this is fair to you, either.
Honestly, maybe it's better if I just. . stay away from relationships at all for a while. ( lips pursing, and billy turns his head away, focuses his eyes on the door leading out of teddy's small studio. ) All I've done is upset everyone and that's not what relationships are for. They're supposed to be supportive not--not massively destructive like this.
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[And no-- he's not sure he can handle that. He can be glad Billy found someone who made him happy, but it can still hurt like hell not being it... probably never being it again. All he wants to do is curl up and cry again, but he's pretty sure he's spent on tears.]
None of it's fair at all. [He gives a shrug of his shoulders as Billy continues on.] I can't really tell you what's right when it comes to relationships. That's sort of your own decision, right? And anyway, I've been failing at them a lot lately, even before I came here, I think.
[He notices the way Billy's looking and lets out a sigh.] You-- don't have to stay, you know.
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I didn't come here to ask you for relationship advice, promise. That'd--be stupidly selfish and unfair. You don't deserve that.
( doesn't deserve most the bullshit billy puts him through, honestly. he's fucked this up in more ways than he can possibly count. billy doesn't know how to fix this. doesn't know where to start. if there even is a place to start, or if it's all just--trying his best the best he possibly can. )
How are you sleeping?
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As little as possible. I've never needed much sleep anyway... [Being an alien hybrid comes with a few perks, he supposes.]
You don't have to worry about it. I'll be fine sooner or later. You?
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Being fine sooner or later means you're not now. ( as sad and depressing as that is. ) Is there anything I can do to help you? Aside from the non-existing thing.
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It isn't the first time I've been not fine, Billy. It won't be the last either. I always get through it somehow. [He lets out a sigh, shrugging his shoulders.] I honestly don't know, Billy... Probably not.
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billy shakes his head instead, wrings his hands in front of calves. )
I can bring you ice cream every day. Or whatever else you need. Watch movies with you, so you're not alone.. I don't know, something. ( something to help teddy, even if it really is for the selfish reason of not feeling like a useless asshole. )
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I mean, you already brought way more ice cream than I can finish in a week, Billy. [He gives a shake of his head, huffing out a laugh.]
It's fine. Anything I might have asked you to do before is-- well, that's not us anymore, and I doubt it would be as comforting now. [Or at all, really, all things considered. Billy lying next to him while he sleeps, someone to curl around, or letting him put his head down on him for a few minutes--
They're all kind of terrible reminders of what he doesn't have, so.]
You did enough bringing me the ice cream.
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I think there's something I can still do. Not--boyfriend intimate or anything, promise.
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Okay... what?
[He reaches out, placing his hand carefully in Billy's.]
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