I don't know if you've realized it yet, but--my relationship status is far from "fantastic" right now.
( there's no reason he should be sitting here telling teddy what he wanted from loki. what he wants. there's a whole conversation he could be having about how the--the only thing billy truly wanted was loki, that somehow it all must have gotten lost somewhere in translation. that he thought loki was trying to fuck off and leave him before he even came to save him. how pissed he was about the "everything feels like it was a dream" commentary. that his head was a mess when loki found him, that the boyfriend comment felt out of place when loki was already saying billy already let go of him.
but teddy doesn't need to sit through billy's bullshit more than he already has. he--shakes his head instead, raises a hand to dig teeth into a knuckle. thinks through his words so he doesn't end up shoving his foot into his mouth, again. )
You and Loki are two entirely different people. I never expected him to be a second you. I didn't expect things to just be okay with us, either. Honestly, we. . had this whole conversation before he found me underground, and I didn't know where he thought we stood at all. But I don't. . want to subject you to all the Loki and me talk when--when yeah, you didn't have months. You've barely had any time at all, and none of this is fair to you, either.
Honestly, maybe it's better if I just. . stay away from relationships at all for a while. ( lips pursing, and billy turns his head away, focuses his eyes on the door leading out of teddy's small studio. ) All I've done is upset everyone and that's not what relationships are for. They're supposed to be supportive not--not massively destructive like this.
Yeah, I've noticed. And I've noticed I've played a part in it.
[And no-- he's not sure he can handle that. He can be glad Billy found someone who made him happy, but it can still hurt like hell not being it... probably never being it again. All he wants to do is curl up and cry again, but he's pretty sure he's spent on tears.]
None of it's fair at all. [He gives a shrug of his shoulders as Billy continues on.] I can't really tell you what's right when it comes to relationships. That's sort of your own decision, right? And anyway, I've been failing at them a lot lately, even before I came here, I think.
[He notices the way Billy's looking and lets out a sigh.] You-- don't have to stay, you know.
Sorry. ( he breaths it out a little breathlessly, turning eyes back onto teddy with a soft smile on his lips that doesn't quite reach his eyes at all. )
I didn't come here to ask you for relationship advice, promise. That'd--be stupidly selfish and unfair. You don't deserve that.
( doesn't deserve most the bullshit billy puts him through, honestly. he's fucked this up in more ways than he can possibly count. billy doesn't know how to fix this. doesn't know where to start. if there even is a place to start, or if it's all just--trying his best the best he possibly can. )
I. . don't. ( the bed in his new apartment isn't nearly as comfortable as the one he's used to, it's not covered in toasty furs and more importantly: it's missing the person he's spent the last several months getting used to cuddling up to. not having someone to wake up next to in addition to the terrible nerve-wracking nightmares that rest behind eyelids, just waiting to catch him off guard, is a little too much. )
Being fine sooner or later means you're not now. ( as sad and depressing as that is. ) Is there anything I can do to help you? Aside from the non-existing thing.
You should go home and try then. You still need sleep. [He's not like Teddy -- Teddy's body can handle most abuse and still heal itself. Billy isn't nearly so physically resilient -- no more than any other human.]
It isn't the first time I've been not fine, Billy. It won't be the last either. I always get through it somehow. [He lets out a sigh, shrugging his shoulders.] I honestly don't know, Billy... Probably not.
I can't. ( he's trying to avoid turning this into billy-time, teddy isn't helping any in that. maybe just--leaving it off as an "i can't" is best, keeps it from going into anything more depressing.
billy shakes his head instead, wrings his hands in front of calves. )
I can bring you ice cream every day. Or whatever else you need. Watch movies with you, so you're not alone.. I don't know, something. ( something to help teddy, even if it really is for the selfish reason of not feeling like a useless asshole. )
[He lets out a sigh when Billy protests -- and he wants to insist a little more, but. Fine. It's not really his place right now to keep pressing or prying or worrying.]
I mean, you already brought way more ice cream than I can finish in a week, Billy. [He gives a shake of his head, huffing out a laugh.]
It's fine. Anything I might have asked you to do before is-- well, that's not us anymore, and I doubt it would be as comforting now. [Or at all, really, all things considered. Billy lying next to him while he sleeps, someone to curl around, or letting him put his head down on him for a few minutes--
They're all kind of terrible reminders of what he doesn't have, so.]
( that's not us anymore and it's still quite a painful reminder. god. what did he do in his life to deserve being put in this awkward as fuck position: loving two different people but fucking up so bad one wants him to forget he exists at all and the other--hates him now. something. billy's expression pinches up tight, before he softens again, uncurls his legs from his chest and offers teddy a hand. )
I think there's something I can still do. Not--boyfriend intimate or anything, promise.
[Teddy hesitates, eyeing Billy's hand almost... warily. Holding hands is even a bit too intimate at the moment, but Billy wants to help-- and he figures that he's stubborn enough to stick around and keep insisting until he does it.]
Okay... what?
[He reaches out, placing his hand carefully in Billy's.]
( teddy's hand in his and billy pulls him forward into a hug, moves that same hand up to run fingers through teddy's hair. he'd do the same for kate, this isn't--just something boyfriends do or anything. but he turns his head into teddy's, murmurs a soft, )
Everything's going to be okay. We'll figure it out.
[He tenses for a moment at that hug, not entirely sure what to do with it. Eventually, he does bring up his arms to return it carefully -- and okay, he doesn't really believe much of anything is going to be okay for him at least.
But Billy is trying and Teddy doesn't have the heart to shoot him down again. He manages a smile as he starts to pull away from Billy.]
( this was billy's problem, right? he didn't help teddy through shit, he got stuck on a loop of his own problems and didn't do it enough for teddy. billy was selfish and self absorbed--the problem he had with loki too, right? so he'll be here. he'll pet teddy's hair, tell him he's going to be okay. that they'll work things out. that he's here, regardless.
but he lets teddy pull away when he moves to. doesn't try to hold him captive any longer than necessary. )
Yeah. We'll figure this out. You will. And I'll be here for you, promise.
[He means that, and he hopes it shows in the way his smile softens a little more, turns a little more genuine. It's not something he's used to, but-- it's nice hearing someone else tell him it's going to be okay. No--
Scratch that. It's nice hearing Billy say it.
Although he can't help a little bit of uncertainty. He still-- has no clue what to do in relation to anything, how to help or fix stuff. If he even can. But he does feel the need to give a softer reminder--]
You know you don't have to be, right? Just because I showed up-- it doesn't mean you have to try to include me in your life. Especially if it's just easier to not.
Teddy. ( all of this is hard. every step of it is. the whole thing with loki still needs to be--dealt with. figured out. he doesn't want to break up with either of them and therein lies the problems that caused all of this. maybe being alone is better. less destructive for all of them. billy's gone out into the jungle with a tent once, he can do it again.
and maybe once everything has settled they can figure out a relationship that won't hurt them. that won't cause problems like this. billy pulls teddy back into him, buries his face in against his shoulder. )
I want you to be part of my life, okay? It doesn't matter what's easier, what's harder, we've--been through worse, we can survive this. We'll be okay. And just--just because everything is a complicated mess and I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore doesn't mean I love you any less, either.
[He lets Billy pull him back in, bringing up his arms slowly around him to hold on. He tips his head in as well, resting it against Billy's tiredly.]
I'm not sure what I'm doing either, you know... [And he doesn't think he should return that 'I love you' right now either. Not when it's too hard to say it and mean it in just a friendly way.]
... Okay. We'll get through this. [He lets out a slow, steadying breath.] Maybe you don't love me any less, but-- you definitely moved on, made a new life for yourself that doesn't include me, that-- can't include me like it used to. I still have to figure that out, and it's-- still going to take time to get over.
( hugging and comforting each other in an entirely friendly manner is absolutely fine. it feels nice, to be close to teddy again. to be comfortable with him, even if it is just soft hugs and being comfy close to someone. )
We are still just teenagers, you know. I think part of the whole being teenagers thing is never having any idea what you're doing at any time. ( teddy wanted someone to pet his hair, to tell him it's going to be okay, that they'll figure it out, and that's--what billy's intending to do, running fingers through blond strands as he closes his eyes. slackens a little. )
But we've got time. We'll work this out. I don't know how yet, but--we'll get there.
[He huffs out a tired, amused noise as h lets his eyes drift shut. If Billy wants to pet his hair right now and tell him things will be okay-- well. He'll take it. It's kind of nice, being in that role for a change.]
( teddy's always been the one petting his hair, telling him everything would e okay, that they'd get through a bad situation, that no matter what they'd work through it. being able to be that person for him is something billy should have worked at a long time ago, honestly. not here, but back home, when they were all falling to bits. he had been so centered on his own problems, that--god, billy tried a little but everything had been about him, not teddy. and that's not how any of this should have been. should have worked out. fingers brush soft against his scalp, coming through strands with a soft hum under his breath.
even with his eyes closed, he's not seeing the terrors of before. no, there's the soft scent of teddy, the warmth of his touch, the security he feels within those arms and--
god, it's been so long since he's actually closed his eyes and slept, can billy really be blamed for passing out against him? he's out like a light, weight slumping down near-immediately. )
[Teddy almost feels himself dozing off too, succumbing to exhaustion. His body just desperately wants some sleep, and Billy is there, with his fingers in his hair, something he's just... kind of weak to.
It's everything he tried to tell himself not to fall into, not to do... but-- they can do friendly distance later. Besides, it doesn't take long to realize Billy's breath is evening out, that he's falling asleep... he needs it. Probably more than Teddy does.
Teddy has just enough sense to do some describe shifting to get the ice cream safely out of the way of certain disaster on his couch before he lets himself lean a little more heavily against Billy, letting himself nod off finally. Thankfully, there's no dreams of torture or dissection, no burning mothers or dreams of losing everyone he cares about. Just peaceful nothingness, with Billy wrapped around him.]
( being able to fall asleep is great. it's been--well. a bit before getting kidnapped since billy was able to comfortably doze off. feel safe enough to let himself relax. and teddy's arms are a great deterrent to anything unsafe; he's absolutely certain that nothing could get through teddy if he was determined enough.
but those don't stop his subconscious from ruining the bit of peace he did get. behind his eyes the warden pulls out a scalpel, billy's tongue is gone, not a word passes his lips and if watching teddy suffer again wasn't bad enough--
it's the firey appearance of someone else that has billy's eyes flying open barely a couple hours into falling asleep, taking in a deep gasping breath as he shoves off of teddy. eyes glow a soft blue as he chokes back a scream, raises both hands up to his mouth and just. takes another moment. tries to gather himself. this isn't there, teddy is safe, teddy's right in front of him. billy just--needs to breathe. )
[The shove wakes Teddy up, gives him a start that sends his heart racing and his eyes shooting open to dart around. For a crazed moment, he thinks someone is in his apartment, that there's some sort of danger that Billy is reacting to, but-- no.
No, there's nothing there.
But Billy looks like he's freaking out.]
Hey-- hey. Billy--
[All he can think to do is try to gather him back up, pull him in.]
It's okay... it was just a dream, okay? It's nothing.
( there's no need to fight teddy. he's safe--as safe as it gets, really. billy lets himself be pulled in easy enough, nose flared as he tries to will himself to calm down. there's nothing here except teddy. )
Yeah, sorry. I just--
( hard to sleep when even his brain is trying to fucking terrify him. a slow deep breath in through his nose, exhaled through lips. rinse and repeat. )
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( there's no reason he should be sitting here telling teddy what he wanted from loki. what he wants. there's a whole conversation he could be having about how the--the only thing billy truly wanted was loki, that somehow it all must have gotten lost somewhere in translation. that he thought loki was trying to fuck off and leave him before he even came to save him. how pissed he was about the "everything feels like it was a dream" commentary. that his head was a mess when loki found him, that the boyfriend comment felt out of place when loki was already saying billy already let go of him.
but teddy doesn't need to sit through billy's bullshit more than he already has. he--shakes his head instead, raises a hand to dig teeth into a knuckle. thinks through his words so he doesn't end up shoving his foot into his mouth, again. )
You and Loki are two entirely different people. I never expected him to be a second you. I didn't expect things to just be okay with us, either. Honestly, we. . had this whole conversation before he found me underground, and I didn't know where he thought we stood at all. But I don't. . want to subject you to all the Loki and me talk when--when yeah, you didn't have months. You've barely had any time at all, and none of this is fair to you, either.
Honestly, maybe it's better if I just. . stay away from relationships at all for a while. ( lips pursing, and billy turns his head away, focuses his eyes on the door leading out of teddy's small studio. ) All I've done is upset everyone and that's not what relationships are for. They're supposed to be supportive not--not massively destructive like this.
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[And no-- he's not sure he can handle that. He can be glad Billy found someone who made him happy, but it can still hurt like hell not being it... probably never being it again. All he wants to do is curl up and cry again, but he's pretty sure he's spent on tears.]
None of it's fair at all. [He gives a shrug of his shoulders as Billy continues on.] I can't really tell you what's right when it comes to relationships. That's sort of your own decision, right? And anyway, I've been failing at them a lot lately, even before I came here, I think.
[He notices the way Billy's looking and lets out a sigh.] You-- don't have to stay, you know.
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I didn't come here to ask you for relationship advice, promise. That'd--be stupidly selfish and unfair. You don't deserve that.
( doesn't deserve most the bullshit billy puts him through, honestly. he's fucked this up in more ways than he can possibly count. billy doesn't know how to fix this. doesn't know where to start. if there even is a place to start, or if it's all just--trying his best the best he possibly can. )
How are you sleeping?
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As little as possible. I've never needed much sleep anyway... [Being an alien hybrid comes with a few perks, he supposes.]
You don't have to worry about it. I'll be fine sooner or later. You?
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Being fine sooner or later means you're not now. ( as sad and depressing as that is. ) Is there anything I can do to help you? Aside from the non-existing thing.
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It isn't the first time I've been not fine, Billy. It won't be the last either. I always get through it somehow. [He lets out a sigh, shrugging his shoulders.] I honestly don't know, Billy... Probably not.
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billy shakes his head instead, wrings his hands in front of calves. )
I can bring you ice cream every day. Or whatever else you need. Watch movies with you, so you're not alone.. I don't know, something. ( something to help teddy, even if it really is for the selfish reason of not feeling like a useless asshole. )
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I mean, you already brought way more ice cream than I can finish in a week, Billy. [He gives a shake of his head, huffing out a laugh.]
It's fine. Anything I might have asked you to do before is-- well, that's not us anymore, and I doubt it would be as comforting now. [Or at all, really, all things considered. Billy lying next to him while he sleeps, someone to curl around, or letting him put his head down on him for a few minutes--
They're all kind of terrible reminders of what he doesn't have, so.]
You did enough bringing me the ice cream.
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I think there's something I can still do. Not--boyfriend intimate or anything, promise.
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Okay... what?
[He reaches out, placing his hand carefully in Billy's.]
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Everything's going to be okay. We'll figure it out.
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But Billy is trying and Teddy doesn't have the heart to shoot him down again. He manages a smile as he starts to pull away from Billy.]
Sure-- it will be. It's just going to take time.
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but he lets teddy pull away when he moves to. doesn't try to hold him captive any longer than necessary. )
Yeah. We'll figure this out. You will. And I'll be here for you, promise.
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[He means that, and he hopes it shows in the way his smile softens a little more, turns a little more genuine. It's not something he's used to, but-- it's nice hearing someone else tell him it's going to be okay. No--
Scratch that. It's nice hearing Billy say it.
Although he can't help a little bit of uncertainty. He still-- has no clue what to do in relation to anything, how to help or fix stuff. If he even can. But he does feel the need to give a softer reminder--]
You know you don't have to be, right? Just because I showed up-- it doesn't mean you have to try to include me in your life. Especially if it's just easier to not.
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and maybe once everything has settled they can figure out a relationship that won't hurt them. that won't cause problems like this. billy pulls teddy back into him, buries his face in against his shoulder. )
I want you to be part of my life, okay? It doesn't matter what's easier, what's harder, we've--been through worse, we can survive this. We'll be okay. And just--just because everything is a complicated mess and I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore doesn't mean I love you any less, either.
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I'm not sure what I'm doing either, you know... [And he doesn't think he should return that 'I love you' right now either. Not when it's too hard to say it and mean it in just a friendly way.]
... Okay. We'll get through this. [He lets out a slow, steadying breath.] Maybe you don't love me any less, but-- you definitely moved on, made a new life for yourself that doesn't include me, that-- can't include me like it used to. I still have to figure that out, and it's-- still going to take time to get over.
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We are still just teenagers, you know. I think part of the whole being teenagers thing is never having any idea what you're doing at any time. ( teddy wanted someone to pet his hair, to tell him it's going to be okay, that they'll figure it out, and that's--what billy's intending to do, running fingers through blond strands as he closes his eyes. slackens a little. )
But we've got time. We'll work this out. I don't know how yet, but--we'll get there.
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[He huffs out a tired, amused noise as h lets his eyes drift shut. If Billy wants to pet his hair right now and tell him things will be okay-- well. He'll take it. It's kind of nice, being in that role for a change.]
Yeah.
[He lets out a sigh, a little on the shaky side.]
I'll believe you, Kaplan.
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even with his eyes closed, he's not seeing the terrors of before. no, there's the soft scent of teddy, the warmth of his touch, the security he feels within those arms and--
god, it's been so long since he's actually closed his eyes and slept, can billy really be blamed for passing out against him? he's out like a light, weight slumping down near-immediately. )
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It's everything he tried to tell himself not to fall into, not to do... but-- they can do friendly distance later. Besides, it doesn't take long to realize Billy's breath is evening out, that he's falling asleep... he needs it. Probably more than Teddy does.
Teddy has just enough sense to do some describe shifting to get the ice cream safely out of the way of certain disaster on his couch before he lets himself lean a little more heavily against Billy, letting himself nod off finally. Thankfully, there's no dreams of torture or dissection, no burning mothers or dreams of losing everyone he cares about. Just peaceful nothingness, with Billy wrapped around him.]
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but those don't stop his subconscious from ruining the bit of peace he did get. behind his eyes the warden pulls out a scalpel, billy's tongue is gone, not a word passes his lips and if watching teddy suffer again wasn't bad enough--
it's the firey appearance of someone else that has billy's eyes flying open barely a couple hours into falling asleep, taking in a deep gasping breath as he shoves off of teddy. eyes glow a soft blue as he chokes back a scream, raises both hands up to his mouth and just. takes another moment. tries to gather himself. this isn't there, teddy is safe, teddy's right in front of him. billy just--needs to breathe. )
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No, there's nothing there.
But Billy looks like he's freaking out.]
Hey-- hey. Billy--
[All he can think to do is try to gather him back up, pull him in.]
It's okay... it was just a dream, okay? It's nothing.
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Yeah, sorry. I just--
( hard to sleep when even his brain is trying to fucking terrify him. a slow deep breath in through his nose, exhaled through lips. rinse and repeat. )
Didn't mean to fall asleep. I'll get over it.
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[He shifts a little bit, arms tightening around him a little more.]
No one's here except us.
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( arms back up and wrapped around teddy's neck, where billy lets them settle. leans back a bit after steadying his breathing. )
We're safe.
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