Cisco Ramon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
franciscoramon) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
riverviewlogs2018-05-07 09:25 pm
franciscoramon) wrote in riverviewlogs2018-05-07 09:25 pmEntry tags:
franciscoramon) wrote in riverviewlogs2018-05-07 09:25 pm
no subject
I s-swear that cat's got the worst case of fomo in history.
[ Eddie and he had laughed at it before, how Shadow would yowl dejectedly if they shut the door on him to use the bathroom, would trot after them any time they went to the kitchen for a glass of water, would find excuses to be in any room where they were. And it's good, to fall back on that old familiar amusement. It grants a feeling of continuity, like the world is still there. The real world, underneath all the rest. That it would be there unchanged for him to come back to once all this is done.
He reaches down to where he can feel Shadow, and Eddie's right, he can feel him purring, even harder than usual it seems. Shadow's always had such an uncanny ability of sensing when one of them was in distress, and would always attempt to solve it by hunkering down near them and purring for all he was worth. ]
I can feel it.
[ Cisco shifts in Eddie's lap, trying to distribute his weight so he won't be crushing Eddie, clinging to him with less terror. Eddie said he wasn't going to go. No need for Cisco to squeeze the life out of him. He focuses on his breathing, trying to remember his meditation lessons with Genji, to force himself to count as he inhales, waits, exhales.
It helps dull the edge of his fear, though the sounds don't go away. ]
I think it's just- I don't wanna jinx myself but I think it's just seeing and hearing. Everything I feel seems legit. But-but it sounds like there's something crawling all over the floor. Kind of... skittering. It's like h-horror movie foley in my brain right now.
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[Eddie says it softly, with a slight lilt of humour, half purposeful and half suppressed, both feeling like a bit of humour might lift Cisco's spirits and worried that too much humour might make him feel like Eddie isn't taking his feelings seriously. Thankfully, when Cisco responds with a slight laugh of his own, a little hysterical, Eddie feels like maybe it was more the former than the latter.
Gently, he scritches fingers against the soft fur behind Shadow's ears, and Shadow responds by purring more loudly before lifting himself and following the love into Cisco's lap, lying there heavy and soft even as Cisco tries to shift his weight to take some of it off him. Eddie adjusts as well, shifting to get more comfortable on the bed and wrap his arms a little more tightly around his boyfriend and their cat - his family, the person and creature most important in the world to him. Together, he and Cisco surround Shadow, who sits in the middle of it all like an indulgent, warm, vibrating sun. Eddie buries his fingers into Cisco's hair, holding him close and secure.]
I'm sorry baby, that sounds awful.
[It's true, and he buries his face into Cisco's hair, holding him close, and speaking with his voice quiet.]
It's not real, though. I promise. There are no bugs or snakes, there's nothing in here except maybe a couple flies droning because it's warm. It's just you and me and Shadow curled up in bed together. As a family, because we love each other.
[Swallowing hard, he keeps stroking his fingers through Cisco's hair, soothing and calm and rhythmic.]
I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true.
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[ Cisco is still damp from the bath, and already starting to sweat again from the fever. But Shadow is a reassuring rumbling weight, and Eddie's fingers in his hair are familiar and wonderful. He lets out a long, slightly shuddery exhale, and lets himself relax against Eddie, muscles draining of tension. The noises are still there, but Shadow's purring is loud, and Eddie keeps talking, a stream of mundane words reassuring him of what's real. ]
I love cheesy.
[ He doesn't say anything after that for a while; the skittering noises slow down, and soon they're gone entirely. There is just the quiet of the room, the faint sound of cars driving past outside, the fan blowing air through the house, the faint creak of the bed as Eddie shifts his weight. Cisco doesn't tempt fate, keeps his eyes closed. ]
What if I'm not better in the morning?
[ Cisco is asking the practical questions; Eddie can't just stay with him indefinitely. They don't know how long this will last, or what's causing it, and his job is important. Cisco's is, too, but not as urgently, with the same sort of schedule. And Eddie has a mountain of paperwork Cisco knows he's behind on, from all the time he has had to take off for his gunshot injuries. ]
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[A little huff of breath, not quite a laugh, as Cisco exhales and leans his weight against him. Cisco's body is too-warm, he's trembling slightly, but Eddie can feel the tension draining out of him as he explains what's actually happening around them. That, more than anything, is reassuring, calming.
For a while, while Cisco is quiet, Eddie is too, eyes closed, making a soft hum in his throat to offset whatever noises Cisco might still be hearing, moving slightly to rock them on the bed, trying to be as comforting as possible. He keeps touching Cisco, rubbing his back, stroking his hair, making contact to soothe and reassure him as much as he can while Cisco rides through this. He can feel the curling prickle of worry building up in him, in his gut and his belly, because fevers bad enough for hallucinations are serious business, and he thinks maybe he'll call someone when Cisco finally sleeps, to see what he can do to help, whether it's time to take him to the hospital.
And then Cisco is asking him quietly what will happen if he's not better in the morning.]
Then I'll take the day off and stay with you. There's a bunch of work I can easily do from home, and I'm pretty sure my boss wouldn't mind if I explained what's going on. I'm still on desk duty anyway. Don't worry about that right now, okay? Just relax. Rest.
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Things blur for a while, after that. At some point Eddie moves him, lays him down with a pillow tucked under his cheek, and Cisco murmurs a thank you. Sometime later, he's not sure how long, he hears Eddie talking on the phone, quietly. It's enough sound to draw him up into a half-sleep, but not wake him entirely. And Eddie's still there, sitting beside him. Cisco reaches over and feels Eddie's leg, his knee. It reassures him enough that he slips back into sleep.
When he wakes up next, it's the middle of the night. Eddie's asleep beside him, and Cisco is boiling. He sits up and pulls off everything but his boxers, tossing his damp and overheated clothes to the floor. There's a bottle of water, half-drunk, sitting on the nightstand, and Cisco chugs the rest in a few gulps before laying down, trying to find a cool surface on the bed where he hadn't been touching it.
It's just around dawn when he starts dreaming, or maybe he's vibing some other universe, some other timeline. The difference between a nightmare and a vibe has always been foggier than the difference between waking and a vibe. Even as it's happening, he's aware that it could be either, and the uncertainty adds to his fear. He dreams he's hiding from something, someone, that wants to kill him, trying to pant as quietly as possible so he isn't overheard. He dreams he is running, that he doesn't know where to go to be safe. Even in the dream, it drifts into his mind to wonder where Eddie is, couldn't he find Eddie, Eddie always saves him when things are bad. He can always rely on Eddie. That certainty permeates through the haze.
At least, at first. Because then a door is opening, and Cisco know he's been found by the person who wants to hurt him. Except their eyes are glowing blue, the way Eddie's eyes glow when he uses his powers. The shock of that rips him from the dream, and he hears himself let out a tiny, aborted cry of horror. He blinks, sees the soft grey light of the pre-sunrise coming into the room, and he's breathing hard, like he's been running for his life - not just in the dream, but for real. ]
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The rest of the evening is spent typing up and transcribing reports on his laptop, doing paperwork with a lapdesk, all from the comfort of the bed he shares with Cisco, who sleeps beside him. Around 10 pm, he watches a movie, then falls asleep beside his boyfriend, slowly, lying on his side and stroking Cisco's hair out of his face, watching him as he falls asleep. He shifts a little when Cisco wakes up and takes off his clothes, pushes up a bit on an elbow, bleary and trying to find the words to ask if he needs help, but Cisco seems to manage what he wants without assistance. Eddie sinks back onto the bed, and shifts around to help Cisco find a comfortable spot before his boyfriend drifts back to sleep.
Eddie doesn't, though. A little worried, he lies still and watches Cisco, half-asleep, as he dozes, an obviously light sleep disturbed by his illness, unsettled. Eddie's just falling into a light doze with his hand on Cisco's chest when Cisco abruptly jerks awake with a little cry that sends a shot of adrenaline surging through Eddie. Sitting up, he tugs at the blankets, his hand catching the side of Cisco's face.]
Cisco. Babe, are you okay? Come on, wake up baby, you're okay. Everything's okay.
[Eddie's heart is pounding and his breath is a bit short from panic, startled by the abrupt wake-up.]
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So Cisco reels away, propelling himself backwards, away from Eddie and, in a tangle of rumpled and sweaty sheets, right off the bed. It's a short drop, onto a rug, but it is still jarring, and his hair gets all in his face. Cisco scrambles to get to his feet, pushing the hair back and breathing hard. By the time he's standing, moving away far enough that his bare back hits a wall, his brain finally starts to catch up.
That blue glow remains over Eddie's eyes, but the rest of him is unchanged, and he is a singularly unintimidating figure, in his PJs, kneeling on their bed, not lunging or attacking or laughing maniacally. Cisco asks, voice cracked and uncertain: ]
Eddie?
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But Cisco keeps retreating, gets to his feet, presses his back against the wall, hair in his face, looking panicked and desperate and cornered, like a trapped animal. Eddie feels sick, for a moment, sick and hurt and a little hopeless. Doesn't know what to say, feels his eyes going hot and stinging a little as Cisco stares at him like he's a monster for a few long moments, like he's Eobard and not Cisco's boyfriend, not someone he trusts and cares for.
Then Cisco is mumbling out his name.]
It's me baby. I don't know what you saw, or what you're seeing, but you're sick. Remember? You have a fever, and it's making you see and hear things and vibe a lot. I'm sorry you're scared baby, but I promise, I'm not going to hurt you.
[He gets it, of course, why Cisco might react that way, what Cisco might be seeing or feeling or hearing when he talks. But it still hurts, in a way that makes his stomach clench up painfully, it makes his eyes sting and his chest clench, to have Cisco be afraid of him, even for a moment.]
I would never hurt you. Never.
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He tries to steady his breathing, but it's fighting an uphill battle. The worst of the terror has broken, but in its wake comes rushing sadness, like a flood. He pushes himself off the wall and starts making his way back towards the bed, shaking all over. Eddie's eyes are still that awful glowing impenetrable blue, and something in Cisco's stomach lurches with misplaced dread. But he fixes his eyes near Eddie's collarbone and tries to tell himself it is all just his brain tormenting him. ]
Dumbest nightmare ever.
[ Cisco is trying to joke, rather desperately, but his voice is still full of cracks and it's all too clear from the sound of it how tenuously he's holding back tears. (He can't see how close Eddie is to crying, because he's avoiding looking at his face). He sits on the bed, scoots closer to Eddie. There was a time when he would have hesitated, held back. But now, he just tucks himself against Eddie's side, not caring how much he's trembling or how sweaty he is. ]
I dreamt- I was running and hiding because someone was gonna hurt me. And I was looking for you 'cause- 'cause you would keep me safe. Except then... the person trying to get me was you, too.
[ He tucks his face against Eddie's shoulder, feeling, on top of everything else, shame at what his subconscious had invented. Like it was a kind of betrayal. If Eddie dreamt that Cisco was trying to hurt him, after all, he would be upset. But he doesn't want to just lie and pretend it was nothing. Eddie had seen how he reacted when he opened his eyes. He's just got to own up to it. ]
But I know you wouldn't. I know that. I'm sorry. It's just- just this dumb fever.
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But damned if it doesn't still hurt to be the person Cisco reacts to like that. That panic reaction, the fear, the way Cisco pushes himself away from the wall and makes his shaky way back to the bed. The fact that he's rooted to the spot, too uncertain about whether his help would be appreciated to just step in and do it. The way Cisco avoids looking at his face.
The stinging in Eddie's eyes gets a bit worse, and at first he just makes a noise of acknowledgement, barely an 'mm-hmm' as Cisco sits on the bed and moves closer. His throat is feeling too tight, too constricted and raw, to say anything else, even if he wants to comfort Cisco, to tell him he's forgiven, to reassure him that he'd never hold Cisco's nightmares against him. But he feels tense and keyed up and hurt, and he can't talk, not quite yet.
Not until Cisco presses his face against Eddie's shoulder, and he releases a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Carefully, he lifts his arm and gently pulls Cisco a bit more against him. He can hear the shame in Cisco's voice as he apologizes for the dream, calls it dumb, and Eddie shakes his head, finally finding his voice, a bit raspy, a bit rough, but audible.]
It's okay baby. I get it, I get why you'd dream that. I promise it's never gonna happen though, okay? You don't have to call it dumb. I get it. Just know I'll never hurt you. I'll always keep you safe, okay?
[The pain and tension is evident in his voice, but he holds Cisco as close as Cisco will allow him to, burying his face into Cisco's hair and closing his eyes, kissing against the crown of his head.]
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He swallows, nodding the moment Eddie stops talking, to show there is no hesitation in his answer, though he can't bring himself to speak right away. Cisco presses his body into Eddie's embrace, partly to comfort himself, and partly to show Eddie that he isn't afraid anymore. ]
I believe you.
[ The words aren't enough. Cisco knows that. They're like tissue paper, insubstantial and light. Sucking in a sharp little breath, Cisco pulls away from Eddie, just as much as he needs to to look him in the eyes. At first, that awful blue glow is still there, but Cisco cups Eddie's face and keeps looking. And slowly, the illusion faces, and it is just Eddie's face, wet-eyed and blinking to try to hide it. Cisco runs the pad of his thumb across Eddie's stubbled cheek. ]
You know... you're the only person? The only one in the whole multiverse that I know would never- that I would believe, one hundred percent.
[ It's not that Cisco thinks everyone else he knows and loves is plotting against him, but they'd demonstrated, many of them, in small and in big ways, that his safety didn't really come first. Barry using him as bait. Caitlin altering the goggles to make him relive dying. Even someone like Genji would probably hurt him if it were for the greater good. ]
I want a replacement brain. This one's- [ He's going to say broken but the word sticks in his throat and his face crumples, and for a moment or two he has to fight back tears. His voice is thick as he manages: ] -all messed up.
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Cisco says he believes him, and Eddie believes that. He knows Cisco believes it. But if Cisco is thinking the words are paper-thin, Eddie is definitely feeling the same - it seems like something so easy to say without really believing it, and even though he tries so hard to release his fear and take Cisco at his word, a bit of his guilt and anxiety remains. Until Cisco is leaning back to look him in the eyes, to lift his hands and cup Eddie's face and look right at him without drawing away. Telling him that he's the only person in the whole multiverse that he believes would never hurt him, one hundred percent.
Something in Eddie's chest unwinds, and he leans in, kisses Cisco's overly hot forehead, cups his face in return and strokes his thumbs over Cisco's warm cheekbones. When Cisco's face crumples and he calls himself messed up, Eddie starts shaking his head.]
It's okay, baby. I'm glad you trust me. And...and don't knock that brain. I love that brain.
[For a moment, he's quiet, his eyes on Cisco's face, weighing whether he wants to say what came into his mind at that. After a bit of consideration, he takes a deep breath and swallows hard.]
I know it sucks. I'm not happy that you went through terrifying awful things that made your brain jump to bad conclusions. But, Cisco, all the stuff you've lived through and how it's affected you is...you know, that's part of who you are. And I love who you are. You wouldn't be the same person...
[Shaking his head, he leans in again to kiss Cisco's mouth, soft and warm and gentle.]
I hate that you were hurt. But I love knowing that you've been hurt and that's made you careful and gentle. That's shown me how capable you are of loving and trusting after being wounded so much. Okay?
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So after that brief flicker of worry for Eddie, he leans into the kiss. There's something so comforting about it - the familiar softness of Eddie's lips, the rasp of his stubble, the warmth of his breath. When Eddie breaks it off to keep talking, Cisco presses their foreheads together, wanting to stay connected to him, close as he can be. ]
Eddie...
[ Cisco feels like he should say something. Tell Eddie the truth. Disclose to him that he really isn't all those things - those beautiful things Eddie thinks about him. He knows that Eddie wouldn't lie, but his words are so antithetical to how Cisco has been thinking about himself. He'd coped with all the shit that went down. Figured out how to keep going and be as close to the person he wanted as possible. But he's never thought of all of it as part of him, and certainly not part of him that someone could see and actually love.
He wishes it were true. Wants it to be true so badly that he doesn't argue, after all. Just nods a few times, eyes brimming with tears. When he can, he says: ]
Okay.
[ Cisco's eyes slip closed and he wipes at his cheeks, pushing the tears aside. The wetness on his cheeks doesn't bother him too much; the whole of him is trembling in the after-effects of panic, and he's much too hot and all damp and achey.
He hopes, somehow, magically, Eddie doesn't catch this. He doesn't deserve it, on top of everything else. Voice very small, Cisco murmurs: ]
I think... when it's morning, I should probably go see a doctor, after all.
[ Cisco sinks down, pressing his cheek against Eddie's chest, and it's too warm clinging to him like this but Cisco doesn't care. Emotional comfort is beating out physical considerations, right now. And he doesn't want to let Eddie go now, or any time soon. Or ever. ]
I love you.