[closed] i've been thinking that i should see someone

[franciscoramon]

who: cisco + eddie
what: memoria blows 🤒
when: may 3
where: out at dinner; eddie & cisco's place
warnings: nanite-induced illness, various symptoms

Comments

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco's face twists up; Eddie won't be able to see it, but he might feel it, pressed against his shoulder. Cisco doesn't want to cry - not on top of everything else - but he's so tired and his emotional defenses are thin and fragile in that way that comes with having just woken up. He knows Eddie's voice well, and the way Eddie holds himself when he's bracing himself against pain. He sounds like that, feels like that, now. And it's Cisco's fault for doing it.

He swallows, nodding the moment Eddie stops talking, to show there is no hesitation in his answer, though he can't bring himself to speak right away. Cisco presses his body into Eddie's embrace, partly to comfort himself, and partly to show Eddie that he isn't afraid anymore. ]

I believe you.

[ The words aren't enough. Cisco knows that. They're like tissue paper, insubstantial and light. Sucking in a sharp little breath, Cisco pulls away from Eddie, just as much as he needs to to look him in the eyes. At first, that awful blue glow is still there, but Cisco cups Eddie's face and keeps looking. And slowly, the illusion faces, and it is just Eddie's face, wet-eyed and blinking to try to hide it. Cisco runs the pad of his thumb across Eddie's stubbled cheek. ]

You know... you're the only person? The only one in the whole multiverse that I know would never- that I would believe, one hundred percent.

[ It's not that Cisco thinks everyone else he knows and loves is plotting against him, but they'd demonstrated, many of them, in small and in big ways, that his safety didn't really come first. Barry using him as bait. Caitlin altering the goggles to make him relive dying. Even someone like Genji would probably hurt him if it were for the greater good. ]

I want a replacement brain. This one's- [ He's going to say broken but the word sticks in his throat and his face crumples, and for a moment or two he has to fight back tears. His voice is thick as he manages: ] -all messed up.

[causational]

[Cisco nods against his shoulder, and Eddie can feel the tension in him, the tightness of his body and expression as he tries to fight something back, some emotion, probably sadness. Pain. Eddie just keeps holding him, arms around him, one hand flat on his back and rubbing in gentle circles, occasionally slipping into his hair to keep soothing him, providing a sense of comfort and maybe safety, if he can.

Cisco says he believes him, and Eddie believes that. He knows Cisco believes it. But if Cisco is thinking the words are paper-thin, Eddie is definitely feeling the same - it seems like something so easy to say without really believing it, and even though he tries so hard to release his fear and take Cisco at his word, a bit of his guilt and anxiety remains. Until Cisco is leaning back to look him in the eyes, to lift his hands and cup Eddie's face and look right at him without drawing away. Telling him that he's the only person in the whole multiverse that he believes would never hurt him, one hundred percent.

Something in Eddie's chest unwinds, and he leans in, kisses Cisco's overly hot forehead, cups his face in return and strokes his thumbs over Cisco's warm cheekbones. When Cisco's face crumples and he calls himself messed up, Eddie starts shaking his head.]

It's okay, baby. I'm glad you trust me. And...and don't knock that brain. I love that brain.

[For a moment, he's quiet, his eyes on Cisco's face, weighing whether he wants to say what came into his mind at that. After a bit of consideration, he takes a deep breath and swallows hard.]

I know it sucks. I'm not happy that you went through terrifying awful things that made your brain jump to bad conclusions. But, Cisco, all the stuff you've lived through and how it's affected you is...you know, that's part of who you are. And I love who you are. You wouldn't be the same person...

[Shaking his head, he leans in again to kiss Cisco's mouth, soft and warm and gentle.]

I hate that you were hurt. But I love knowing that you've been hurt and that's made you careful and gentle. That's shown me how capable you are of loving and trusting after being wounded so much. Okay?

[franciscoramon]

[ The kiss surprises Cisco, and his initial thought is that he should pull away. Not because he's afraid of Eddie, or because he doesn't want it - he does, rather desperately. But he knows he's sick and is wary of spreading germs. The only thing that prevents him from moving is the knowledge that it would hurt Eddie, probably very deeply. Besides, if he was going to catch this, he's probably already been exposed to it.

So after that brief flicker of worry for Eddie, he leans into the kiss. There's something so comforting about it - the familiar softness of Eddie's lips, the rasp of his stubble, the warmth of his breath. When Eddie breaks it off to keep talking, Cisco presses their foreheads together, wanting to stay connected to him, close as he can be. ]

Eddie...

[ Cisco feels like he should say something. Tell Eddie the truth. Disclose to him that he really isn't all those things - those beautiful things Eddie thinks about him. He knows that Eddie wouldn't lie, but his words are so antithetical to how Cisco has been thinking about himself. He'd coped with all the shit that went down. Figured out how to keep going and be as close to the person he wanted as possible. But he's never thought of all of it as part of him, and certainly not part of him that someone could see and actually love.

He wishes it were true. Wants it to be true so badly that he doesn't argue, after all. Just nods a few times, eyes brimming with tears. When he can, he says: ]

Okay.

[ Cisco's eyes slip closed and he wipes at his cheeks, pushing the tears aside. The wetness on his cheeks doesn't bother him too much; the whole of him is trembling in the after-effects of panic, and he's much too hot and all damp and achey.

He hopes, somehow, magically, Eddie doesn't catch this. He doesn't deserve it, on top of everything else. Voice very small, Cisco murmurs: ]

I think... when it's morning, I should probably go see a doctor, after all.

[ Cisco sinks down, pressing his cheek against Eddie's chest, and it's too warm clinging to him like this but Cisco doesn't care. Emotional comfort is beating out physical considerations, right now. And he doesn't want to let Eddie go now, or any time soon. Or ever. ]

I love you.