[closed] i've been thinking that i should see someone

[franciscoramon]

who: cisco + eddie
what: memoria blows 🤒
when: may 3
where: out at dinner; eddie & cisco's place
warnings: nanite-induced illness, various symptoms

Comments

[causational]

[It's a long day, but Eddie spends most of it in the bed with Cisco - holding him at first, until he realizes Cisco is out for the long haul, then gently lying him on the sheets, head on a pillow. Cisco wakes up long enough to mumble almost wordlessly at him, and then Eddie goes to gather some of his paperwork, to get his laptop, to call his boss and let her know what's up and how he plans to get through it.

The rest of the evening is spent typing up and transcribing reports on his laptop, doing paperwork with a lapdesk, all from the comfort of the bed he shares with Cisco, who sleeps beside him. Around 10 pm, he watches a movie, then falls asleep beside his boyfriend, slowly, lying on his side and stroking Cisco's hair out of his face, watching him as he falls asleep. He shifts a little when Cisco wakes up and takes off his clothes, pushes up a bit on an elbow, bleary and trying to find the words to ask if he needs help, but Cisco seems to manage what he wants without assistance. Eddie sinks back onto the bed, and shifts around to help Cisco find a comfortable spot before his boyfriend drifts back to sleep.

Eddie doesn't, though. A little worried, he lies still and watches Cisco, half-asleep, as he dozes, an obviously light sleep disturbed by his illness, unsettled. Eddie's just falling into a light doze with his hand on Cisco's chest when Cisco abruptly jerks awake with a little cry that sends a shot of adrenaline surging through Eddie. Sitting up, he tugs at the blankets, his hand catching the side of Cisco's face.]

Cisco. Babe, are you okay? Come on, wake up baby, you're okay. Everything's okay.

[Eddie's heart is pounding and his breath is a bit short from panic, startled by the abrupt wake-up.]

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco doesn't remember, when he first wakes up, that he is sick with a fever, that Eddie had been taking care of him the day before, that he has been hallucinating and vibing quite a bit. All he can feel for those first few moments is sheer, blinding terror. So when Eddie is suddenly looming over for him, reaching for him, Cisco's brain helpfully supplies that terrifying blue glow, blocking out all that is human from his eyes - all that familiar concern and love.

So Cisco reels away, propelling himself backwards, away from Eddie and, in a tangle of rumpled and sweaty sheets, right off the bed. It's a short drop, onto a rug, but it is still jarring, and his hair gets all in his face. Cisco scrambles to get to his feet, pushing the hair back and breathing hard. By the time he's standing, moving away far enough that his bare back hits a wall, his brain finally starts to catch up.

That blue glow remains over Eddie's eyes, but the rest of him is unchanged, and he is a singularly unintimidating figure, in his PJs, kneeling on their bed, not lunging or attacking or laughing maniacally. Cisco asks, voice cracked and uncertain: ]

Eddie?

[causational]

[Cisco's reaction is startling - he jerks away from Eddie, stumbles his way backward, tangled in sheets and blankets, and falls over onto the floor before backing away again. Almost immediately, Eddie's hands are up, palms forward to show that he's not armed, to show he's helpless.

But Cisco keeps retreating, gets to his feet, presses his back against the wall, hair in his face, looking panicked and desperate and cornered, like a trapped animal. Eddie feels sick, for a moment, sick and hurt and a little hopeless. Doesn't know what to say, feels his eyes going hot and stinging a little as Cisco stares at him like he's a monster for a few long moments, like he's Eobard and not Cisco's boyfriend, not someone he trusts and cares for.

Then Cisco is mumbling out his name.]

It's me baby. I don't know what you saw, or what you're seeing, but you're sick. Remember? You have a fever, and it's making you see and hear things and vibe a lot. I'm sorry you're scared baby, but I promise, I'm not going to hurt you.

[He gets it, of course, why Cisco might react that way, what Cisco might be seeing or feeling or hearing when he talks. But it still hurts, in a way that makes his stomach clench up painfully, it makes his eyes sting and his chest clench, to have Cisco be afraid of him, even for a moment.]

I would never hurt you. Never.

[franciscoramon]

[ The moment Eddie starts speaking, reassuring Cisco that it really is him, he lets out a shaky, loud sigh of relief. He listens to Eddie's voice, and the words take a few moments to filter through the haze of fear and arrange themselves in an order that makes sense. He's sick? Is that true? Yes, he feels sick. And he remembers... the restaurant. The date gone wrong. Thinking he saw snakes and heard an army of spiders. And Eddie there taking care of him the whole time.

He tries to steady his breathing, but it's fighting an uphill battle. The worst of the terror has broken, but in its wake comes rushing sadness, like a flood. He pushes himself off the wall and starts making his way back towards the bed, shaking all over. Eddie's eyes are still that awful glowing impenetrable blue, and something in Cisco's stomach lurches with misplaced dread. But he fixes his eyes near Eddie's collarbone and tries to tell himself it is all just his brain tormenting him. ]

Dumbest nightmare ever.

[ Cisco is trying to joke, rather desperately, but his voice is still full of cracks and it's all too clear from the sound of it how tenuously he's holding back tears. (He can't see how close Eddie is to crying, because he's avoiding looking at his face). He sits on the bed, scoots closer to Eddie. There was a time when he would have hesitated, held back. But now, he just tucks himself against Eddie's side, not caring how much he's trembling or how sweaty he is. ]

I dreamt- I was running and hiding because someone was gonna hurt me. And I was looking for you 'cause- 'cause you would keep me safe. Except then... the person trying to get me was you, too.

[ He tucks his face against Eddie's shoulder, feeling, on top of everything else, shame at what his subconscious had invented. Like it was a kind of betrayal. If Eddie dreamt that Cisco was trying to hurt him, after all, he would be upset. But he doesn't want to just lie and pretend it was nothing. Eddie had seen how he reacted when he opened his eyes. He's just got to own up to it. ]

But I know you wouldn't. I know that. I'm sorry. It's just- just this dumb fever.

[causational]

[It makes sense, in a messed up awful kind of way - makes sense that Cisco would have nightmares about the people he cares about betraying him. After Eobard, how could that not be one of Cisco's worst nightmares? How could he not dread the people he cares about most turning on him, betraying him, trying to hurt him? It makes sense. It's logical. It follows. Eddie can't hold it against him, not even a bit.

But damned if it doesn't still hurt to be the person Cisco reacts to like that. That panic reaction, the fear, the way Cisco pushes himself away from the wall and makes his shaky way back to the bed. The fact that he's rooted to the spot, too uncertain about whether his help would be appreciated to just step in and do it. The way Cisco avoids looking at his face.

The stinging in Eddie's eyes gets a bit worse, and at first he just makes a noise of acknowledgement, barely an 'mm-hmm' as Cisco sits on the bed and moves closer. His throat is feeling too tight, too constricted and raw, to say anything else, even if he wants to comfort Cisco, to tell him he's forgiven, to reassure him that he'd never hold Cisco's nightmares against him. But he feels tense and keyed up and hurt, and he can't talk, not quite yet.

Not until Cisco presses his face against Eddie's shoulder, and he releases a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Carefully, he lifts his arm and gently pulls Cisco a bit more against him. He can hear the shame in Cisco's voice as he apologizes for the dream, calls it dumb, and Eddie shakes his head, finally finding his voice, a bit raspy, a bit rough, but audible.]

It's okay baby. I get it, I get why you'd dream that. I promise it's never gonna happen though, okay? You don't have to call it dumb. I get it. Just know I'll never hurt you. I'll always keep you safe, okay?

[The pain and tension is evident in his voice, but he holds Cisco as close as Cisco will allow him to, burying his face into Cisco's hair and closing his eyes, kissing against the crown of his head.]

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco's face twists up; Eddie won't be able to see it, but he might feel it, pressed against his shoulder. Cisco doesn't want to cry - not on top of everything else - but he's so tired and his emotional defenses are thin and fragile in that way that comes with having just woken up. He knows Eddie's voice well, and the way Eddie holds himself when he's bracing himself against pain. He sounds like that, feels like that, now. And it's Cisco's fault for doing it.

He swallows, nodding the moment Eddie stops talking, to show there is no hesitation in his answer, though he can't bring himself to speak right away. Cisco presses his body into Eddie's embrace, partly to comfort himself, and partly to show Eddie that he isn't afraid anymore. ]

I believe you.

[ The words aren't enough. Cisco knows that. They're like tissue paper, insubstantial and light. Sucking in a sharp little breath, Cisco pulls away from Eddie, just as much as he needs to to look him in the eyes. At first, that awful blue glow is still there, but Cisco cups Eddie's face and keeps looking. And slowly, the illusion faces, and it is just Eddie's face, wet-eyed and blinking to try to hide it. Cisco runs the pad of his thumb across Eddie's stubbled cheek. ]

You know... you're the only person? The only one in the whole multiverse that I know would never- that I would believe, one hundred percent.

[ It's not that Cisco thinks everyone else he knows and loves is plotting against him, but they'd demonstrated, many of them, in small and in big ways, that his safety didn't really come first. Barry using him as bait. Caitlin altering the goggles to make him relive dying. Even someone like Genji would probably hurt him if it were for the greater good. ]

I want a replacement brain. This one's- [ He's going to say broken but the word sticks in his throat and his face crumples, and for a moment or two he has to fight back tears. His voice is thick as he manages: ] -all messed up.

[causational]

[Cisco nods against his shoulder, and Eddie can feel the tension in him, the tightness of his body and expression as he tries to fight something back, some emotion, probably sadness. Pain. Eddie just keeps holding him, arms around him, one hand flat on his back and rubbing in gentle circles, occasionally slipping into his hair to keep soothing him, providing a sense of comfort and maybe safety, if he can.

Cisco says he believes him, and Eddie believes that. He knows Cisco believes it. But if Cisco is thinking the words are paper-thin, Eddie is definitely feeling the same - it seems like something so easy to say without really believing it, and even though he tries so hard to release his fear and take Cisco at his word, a bit of his guilt and anxiety remains. Until Cisco is leaning back to look him in the eyes, to lift his hands and cup Eddie's face and look right at him without drawing away. Telling him that he's the only person in the whole multiverse that he believes would never hurt him, one hundred percent.

Something in Eddie's chest unwinds, and he leans in, kisses Cisco's overly hot forehead, cups his face in return and strokes his thumbs over Cisco's warm cheekbones. When Cisco's face crumples and he calls himself messed up, Eddie starts shaking his head.]

It's okay, baby. I'm glad you trust me. And...and don't knock that brain. I love that brain.

[For a moment, he's quiet, his eyes on Cisco's face, weighing whether he wants to say what came into his mind at that. After a bit of consideration, he takes a deep breath and swallows hard.]

I know it sucks. I'm not happy that you went through terrifying awful things that made your brain jump to bad conclusions. But, Cisco, all the stuff you've lived through and how it's affected you is...you know, that's part of who you are. And I love who you are. You wouldn't be the same person...

[Shaking his head, he leans in again to kiss Cisco's mouth, soft and warm and gentle.]

I hate that you were hurt. But I love knowing that you've been hurt and that's made you careful and gentle. That's shown me how capable you are of loving and trusting after being wounded so much. Okay?

[franciscoramon]

[ The kiss surprises Cisco, and his initial thought is that he should pull away. Not because he's afraid of Eddie, or because he doesn't want it - he does, rather desperately. But he knows he's sick and is wary of spreading germs. The only thing that prevents him from moving is the knowledge that it would hurt Eddie, probably very deeply. Besides, if he was going to catch this, he's probably already been exposed to it.

So after that brief flicker of worry for Eddie, he leans into the kiss. There's something so comforting about it - the familiar softness of Eddie's lips, the rasp of his stubble, the warmth of his breath. When Eddie breaks it off to keep talking, Cisco presses their foreheads together, wanting to stay connected to him, close as he can be. ]

Eddie...

[ Cisco feels like he should say something. Tell Eddie the truth. Disclose to him that he really isn't all those things - those beautiful things Eddie thinks about him. He knows that Eddie wouldn't lie, but his words are so antithetical to how Cisco has been thinking about himself. He'd coped with all the shit that went down. Figured out how to keep going and be as close to the person he wanted as possible. But he's never thought of all of it as part of him, and certainly not part of him that someone could see and actually love.

He wishes it were true. Wants it to be true so badly that he doesn't argue, after all. Just nods a few times, eyes brimming with tears. When he can, he says: ]

Okay.

[ Cisco's eyes slip closed and he wipes at his cheeks, pushing the tears aside. The wetness on his cheeks doesn't bother him too much; the whole of him is trembling in the after-effects of panic, and he's much too hot and all damp and achey.

He hopes, somehow, magically, Eddie doesn't catch this. He doesn't deserve it, on top of everything else. Voice very small, Cisco murmurs: ]

I think... when it's morning, I should probably go see a doctor, after all.

[ Cisco sinks down, pressing his cheek against Eddie's chest, and it's too warm clinging to him like this but Cisco doesn't care. Emotional comfort is beating out physical considerations, right now. And he doesn't want to let Eddie go now, or any time soon. Or ever. ]

I love you.