( open ) last night I felt real arms around me

[winscenario]

who: Jim Kirk & YOU
what: Bones is gone and Jim is coping with it the only way he knows how: poorly.
when: Jan 25th through to early February
where: bars, parks and streets, shuttle and beyond the walls
warnings: drinking, general weird moods, Jim being depressed, possible crying. don't expect anything else but will edit if need be. JUST GIVE HIM DISTRACTIONS.


I ▹ JUST ONE MORE GLASS

[ It's a few days before Jim actually leaves the house properly, though he still doesn't look all that great. He's combed his hair and put on mildly presentable clothes, but he's still sporting a short beard he hasn't cared to shave, and he's not looking like his usual cheerful self either.

During the first few days, it's all still a little too fresh on his mind, and his heart. He goes out but it's not with the intent of socializing so much as sitting by the bar on his own, asking the barkeep to pour him one glass after another. He spends most of the time staring down at the liquid swirling in his glass, gaze seldom lifting from the surface, though he will if someone happens to take a seat on the stool next to his.

He'll spare a vague smile if it's a stranger, and a few words if it's a familiar face: ] What brings you around here?

II ▹ MIDNIGHT RUN

[ It doesn't get better anytime soon. It's a process, Jim tries to tell himself, but he hates that he can't force himself to just be fine. He hates that he's nothing but a burden souring everyone's mood, and maybe that's why he thinks it would be for the best if he just avoided everyone.

On the other hand, he's lonely. He hates that. Can't stand being all alone in the empty loft when he leaves the guard. John's been putting up with him and keeping him company more often than not, but Jim knows that he can't very well hog all his time. He's got better things to do than stay with him.

So, when he can't sleep, and when he can't stand the deafening silence, he puts on running gear and goes out for a late night jog. There are always a few people around but it's generally quiet, and the parks are a good spot to just run until his legs hurt and his lungs burn. When he can't take it anymore and his head starts spinning, he lies down on the grass, staring up at the night sky. Anything to not be in his empty bed, staring up at the ceiling. ]

III ▹ THROW YOURSELF INTO YOUR WORK

[ After the end of the month, the levels of self-pity start getting a little ridiculous. He finds himself equal parts sad and angry at himself that he's just letting himself go down a spiral, as much as he tries to tell himself he's coping just fine.

He needs to do something. Be useful. Resume his life in the Quarantine the best he can, cling to whatever is still steady and present and normal in his life: his work.

He shaves finally, tidies up his place, even irons clothes and buys some ready-to-eat meals to stock up his fridge, and he shows up at the Perimeter Guard after a week and some looking mostly like himself. He's not as cheerful, granted, but he doesn't avoid or ignore anyone, though it's obvious he focuses on his work more than anything else. As the days go by people might catch him yawning at odd times, rubbing at his tired eyes still sporting dark circles that are proof of his lack of sleep.

Out on the shuttle, he might even start to doze off halfway through a flight. Whoever's with him should probably take helm control and just tell him to sit back, or else Jim's grip on the shuttle might just slip, giving them the scare of their lives. ]

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

[ He snorts delicately. ]

So have many drinks boasted, but I have yet to see proof of such things. And with Asgard gone, the ability to get oneself inebriated is harder than before.

[winscenario]

Saurian brandy's one of the strongest drinks in my galaxy. Some people say it could blind a man. [ Although Jim has had some and his eyes are still as perfect and gorgeous as ever, so. ] Tell you what, if I ever get my hands on some, I'll give you a ring. You can give it a try, if you want.

[ In the meantime, he waves down the bartender and asks him for the strongest drink they have. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ A slight eyebrow goes up at that. ]

I welcome the challenge.

It is strange to see you by yourself.

[winscenario]

Yeah? Well, that's the only way you're gonna be seeing me for a while.

[ He sighs quietly, downing the glass he's currently nursing while he waits for their next drinks. ]

Bones is gone, so.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Ah. His expression softens minutely. Loki had liked Bones, even if he had not fully understood or grasped the man's character. His resemblance to Skurge helped as well. He doesn't understand how Bones could leave when he was so endeared to Jim, cared so much about his well-being.

But Loki is well-versed in love and loss by now. Logic has little to do with it. ]

He loved you dearly.

[winscenario]

[ Jim lets out a laugh, a short and bitter sound, and he shakes his head. It doesn't help, even if he knows that's what Loki's trying to do. It's difficult not to get resentful, but he... well, he tries, at least. ]

Right. Well, that doesn't change anything, does it? [ He bites the inside of his cheek. ] It's fine.

[dothelokimotion]

No.

[ Love changes very little, he finds. Sentiment is weak. It drives people to absurd lengths, but it fails people just as easily. To use it as the backbone of any life — any truth is a fallacy. His father had loved him. His mother had loved him. Thor still — he thinks, he's never sure — loves him.

It does not move mountains. ]

But it is worth noting, I suppose.

[ It is not an easy thing to claim to love someone. Bones did it easily — too easily. It had set Loki's teeth on edge. ]

What do you need?

[winscenario]

[ He pauses, which is probably a good thing, so he doesn't say the first callous thing that comes to mind. He nods once. ]

I guess so.

[ It is worth noting. It's worth a lot, Jim knows that. If he were given the chance to forget all about his feelings for Bones, all the memories they shared in the Quarantine, he wouldn't change a single thing. He'd rather remember, even if it only brings him pain right now. ]

Ah... I don't know. Not used to nursing a broken heart. [ New drinks set down on the counter, he picks up one of the glasses. ] Getting drunk sounds like a great plan, though. Not sure where to go from there. Any suggestions?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki shrugs loosely. ]

I find rampant destruction to be quite therapeutic. Breaking things.

[winscenario]

[ Jim hums thoughtfully. Loki probably would expect most people to wave that option off or take the remark as a joke— yet Jim just looks at the god with a growing smile. ]

That sounds like fun, actually. Which sorts of things would you suggest? [ Because he's definitely up for some of that. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ He certainly didn't, as evidenced by the furrow of his brows. ]

Well . . . I usually conjure an illusion of the thing I hate or wish to vent my anger towards and lob things at them.

[winscenario]

Well, I don't really... hate anything. I'm just... [ He breathes in, and exhales quietly. It takes a bit of struggle to admit it out loud to someone else, but he does, even if he looks away from Loki as he says it. ] Sad. I'm sad.

[ A pause, ] Guess I could go and throw things at the portal. That's as close as I can get to laying blame.

[dothelokimotion]

[ There is no cure for sadness. None that Loki knows. Feeling sad is not something he has a lot of experience in. He prefers anger, rage . . . anything but the slow crawl of sorrow weighing in. ]

Then perhaps you need to remember. I could cast an illusion of the place you miss. You would not notice the difference.

[winscenario]

Oh... it's not a place that I miss. [ He pauses a moment, sighing. Then he shrugs. ] Well, I guess I miss my ship. So there's that.

[dothelokimotion]

[ A beat. Then with a few fingers, Loki touches Jim's wrist and the scene they are in melts away. Bright lights and white walls fill the view, the bustle of ensigns moving across corridors, their clothes swishing. You can hear the beep of doors sliding in and out. The illusion moves until it is on the bridge, the expanse of space before them. ]

[winscenario]

[ Maybe he's had one too many to drink, or maybe it's just part of these illusions, but the image of the Enterprise being conjured up all around them makes Jim's head spin a little. He startles slightly, sitting more upright, looking around them with a dumbfounded look on his face. ]

How... [ He trails off, gaze lost before looking over at Loki after a few long seconds. ] How did you know how it looked like?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki taps his fingers lightly against Jim's wrist. The pulse sings back. ]

I pulled the image from your thoughts. It was very close to the surface.

[winscenario]

[ He huffs a soft chuckle, incredulous most of all. Then he gets to his feet, looking around. ]

It's been... so long. So long. [ The months he's been here, and the fact that the Enterprise was lost even before then. He hadn't even realized how much he missed it until this very moment. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki hangs back, letting Jim bask in it. ]

It is a powerful image. Close to the heart.

[winscenario]

[ He's quiet, completely at a loss for words. It's so surreal to be here, even though he knows it's just an illusion. Everything is so real, every detail so vivid.

He steps closer to his chair, hand reaching out, wondering if it'll feel as real to the touch. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki puts a little more power into the illusion. His usual ones fade from the touch, but he imbues this one with a bit more magic than he would usually attempt. ]

Go on.

[winscenario]

[ His fingertips ghost across the surface, then press a little more firmly when the chair doesn't fade. He glances at Loki when he speaks, then promptly takes the invitation, carefully taking a seat, as though he's afraid it might vanish at any moment. ]

I can't believe this.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki smirks faintly. This is why he enjoyed magic, the awe-struck feelings that it inspired in others. It may never make him worthy, but it gives him no small amount of satisfaction. ]

The stars are still there.

[winscenario]

[ Jim looks to the viewscreen, showing the stars Loki's talking about. His smile lasts for a second or two longer, before it wanes, and his gaze drops. ]

But I'm not.

[dothelokimotion]

No.

But they will be there when you return.