They say if you die in a dream. you die in real life [open]

[somnioergosum]

who: Ronan Lynch and others
what: After being attacked by his own nightmares, Ronan recovers in the hospital and thinks about how much he hates himself. People come to tell him he’s an idiot or laugh. Who knows.
when: November 19 to late November
where: Riverview hospital
warnings: Self-loathing, references to past suicidal ideation, will update as needed

Not much impressed Ronan and the advanced medical t. The first day, while his stomach healed, he lay in bed viciously chewing on one of his leather wristbands, having thrown the other at the wall. The next few days, when he could bear to stand, he got up and paced and punched a wall before being forced back into bed.

Mostly, he stared at the walls and imagined tearing them apart and he hated. Oh God, did he hate and it was all at himself. He did it again. He did a-fucking-gain. The thoughts ran through his mind in a spiral. The last time this happened, his best friend had been there to question and judge and make him promise. Ronan said that it wouldn’t happen again. He'd meant it.

He lay in bed, gnawing on the leather bracelet like a dog. The hole in the band grew until it began to break into pieces. Only then did he stop, in order to tear it apart. Well, he tried to. What actually happened washe gritted his teeth in pain and snapped the band hard against his bed.

Comments

[antietam]

Ronan didn't look at him, and Adam instantly felt worried. He had to tell himself that Ronan wasn't upset with him, that this wasn't Adam's fault. He was upset with himself and didn't want to see Adam feel the same way.

He decided that he shouldn't be upset, then. At least, not until Ronan was out of the hospital. Right now, he had to make sure Ronan recovered quickly.

He squeezed his hand and sat next to him on the edge of the bed, glad to be around his boyfriend even if Ronan's hand was a little too cold for his liking right now.

"Don't," he murmured. "It's all fine." Not necessarily okay or good, but Ronan was alive and that meant things were fine. He kept quiet, wondering if Ronan would prefer that to speaking.

[somnioergosum]

Ronan didn't agree with Adam's assessment but he didn't argue. He couldn't, not because he was exhausted or sore, but because he needed Adam here. Even if things weren't fine, they almost felt like they were when Adam said it. It almost felt like it'd be alright. They could walk out of the hospital, go back to their house, and spend every night together. This future was so simple that he knew it wouldn't work out that way.

Ronan took a deep breath and let it out again. He braced himself and looked at Adam. Whatever he was afraid of, he didn't see it. Deep down, he hadn't expected to.

"Are you alright?"

[antietam]

When Ronan looked at him, Adam seemed relieved and tired, but he was always tired. It was amazing how anger could disappear when he realized how lucky he was. All he could feel was gratitude that Ronan was alive.

He leaned closer, placing his other hand on top of Ronan's head and kissing his forehead.

"Yeah," he scoffed, as if it should have been obvious. "You wouldn't hurt me." He said it with a plain kind of certainty that he would never use with anyone else.

He paused, trying to think of something to cheer Ronan up. "They wouldn't let Chainsaw in for safety issues, but there's nothing wrong with opening up your window..."

[somnioergosum]

Frankly, Ronan didn't think he'd done a good job at not hurting Adam as a whole. But if Adam didn't want to talk about such murky and dangerous things as feelings just yet. Ronan wasn't going to ask beyond that.

"That's bullshit. They let me in." Chainsaw posed less of a threat than him. Hell, when he'd been dragged in he was a walking biohazard oozing blood and body parts.

Ronan didn't want to let go of Adam's hand just yet. "You don't have my poor bird circling the hospital, do you?"

[antietam]

Adam smirked a little, knowing full-well that Chainsaw was easier to handle than Ronan. At least Chainsaw rarely ran away.

"I told her I'd call her when the coast was clear. She's probably happily eating a rat right now." He rubbed the back of Ronan's hand with his thumb, nosing affectionately against his cheek.

"She can wait. I have you to myself finally." It was perhaps obvious that Adam was a little more clingy than usual, for understandable reasons.

[somnioergosum]

Ronan turned his face to rub his cheek against Adam's. He squeezed Adam's hand, then slowly moved his other arm. He would have liked to wrap it around Adam's waist and pull him closer, preferably onto the bed, but the twinge in his shoulder grew more insistent. He settled for enclosing Adam's hand in both of his.

"Thanks." He didn't have to specify for what. It covered a lot of things.

[antietam]

Adam relaxed when Ronan responded to his affection. He had worried that Ronan would push him away. The last time this happened, it was Gansey who dealt with it. Adam didn't know what to do except this.

"Stop," he complained softly. He didn't want an apology or any gratitude. He wasn't upset because Ronan inconvenienced him, more that Ronan tried to do it on his own. But it wasn't about Adam right now.

"Focus on recovering so we can go home. This bed's awful small for the two of us." All he wanted was to make it known that he would follow Ronan anywhere, whether it was an abandoned warehouse in the middle of the night, a hospital bed, or even another universe.

[somnioergosum]

"I'm lying down. What else am I supposed to do to recover?" If he sounded bitter, which he did, no one could blame him. He hated many things in life but among his least favorites were boredom, hospitals, and having to lie still. The memories of his last stay in a hospital didn't help.

He traced a circle over the back of Adam's hand, close to his wrist. He tried to think of what to say, but the only subjects he could think of were forbidden now. Finally, he settled on something. "They said they're keeping me here for a few days."

[antietam]

"You have to want to get better," he replied. Adam didn't mean anything by it, but he'd learned how powerful the mind was in keeping one stuck in the same place, even with physical ailments. He still needed to keep Persephone's voice in his mind, telling him that he was his own person.

His free hand pet at Ronan's head slowly, trying to comfort and relax. He knew this situation wouldn't improve until Ronan felt better. "That's okay. I'll be here. I'll go feed the animals and stuff when you're asleep. Anything else you need taken care of?"

[somnioergosum]

Want to get better. However they were delivered, the words stung.

"I do," Ronan snapped. He hated feeling this way and he hated doing this to the people he cared about even more. Once he'd known why the night horrors were after him, the thoughts had been easy to brush away. Why wasn't that true now?

He growled in frustration and looked away. He started to pull his hand away from Adam, but his shoulder ached when he moved so it stayed put. He closed his eyes and pictured violently throwing the pillow against the wall, then a brick, then shoving the wall out onto the street below. None of it helped.

He tried picturing their home. Adam would be on his own for a while, and so would the animals, but they'd be taken care of. He could see Adam filling their dog's food bowl and scratching him behind the ears. That helped a little.

Ronan opened his eyes. "You know you don't have to stay here all day."

[antietam]

Adam deflated a little, knowing he'd said something wrong. It was difficult. Adam understood how Ronan felt because he'd felt that way too sometimes, the desire to disappear, the feeling of wanting to give up, the thought that his life was utterly worthless. If Adam's self-hatred manifested itself in monsters, he would have been dead a long time ago.

The problem was that he knew there was nothing to say to Ronan to make it better. He couldn't do anything beyond being there. Ronan would hate himself until he chose not to, just like Adam would.

"I want to." Adam wouldn't skip school and take off work unless he wanted to. He wouldn't have if he were in a more desperate situation, but his part-time job was lenient and his studies were more for information than grades. "Unless you don't want me here."

[somnioergosum]

"Of course I want you here." Once Ronan realized that Adam wasn't going to skin him alive or worse, give him that sad, disappointed look Gansey had, he didn't want to be alone. But he could be if he had to. He wasn't going to break.

"You just don't have to. I know you've got shit to do." Ronan also knew that Adam had made up his mind, so he squeezed his hand to show-- he didn't know. Something. That he appreciated him, he guessed.

[antietam]

Adam rolled his eyes but gently knocked their shoulders together. He was always gentle with everything, including Ronan, so this didn't seem too strange.

"You're about half of my shit to do, so my schedule is actually pretty clear." He brought their hands up and kissed Ronan's knuckles, keeping his lips there for a long moment.

"I love you. I'm always gonna be here, Ronan."

[somnioergosum]

"I love you." Ronan managed to smile. He moved his hand so he could stroke one long finger along Adam's cheek. "I'm not going anywhere again."

It was a lovely moment. Ronan staring at Adam with nothing but adoration in his eyes. He caressed Adam's face. They'd even said they loved each other.

Ronan just had to open his mouth again. "So does this mean you're going to have to sleep-- you know-- on me from now on?"

[antietam]

Adam gave him a bewildered stare for a long moment. He thought it was some kind of weird joke but it didn't make any sense until he put the pieces together. It took longer than it should have, mostly because he was distracted enough that he almost forgot they were in a hospital bed.

He pulled Ronan's hand off his cheek. "Way too soon to start making jokes, asshole." A beat. "But if that's the only way you're going to stay in bed and not get maimed, yeah."

It wasn't exactly a big sacrifice. Ronan was comfortable.

[somnioergosum]

"Fine. Forget I said anything." Ronan pulled his hand away. He sank back onto the bed and rested his head against the propped up pillow. For a hospital bed, it wasn't totally uncomfortable. He'd still rather be at home.

[antietam]

Adam scoffed but let him settle in, running his hand along Ronan's shoulder and chest, mostly just wanting to touch and also comfort him.

He was quiet for some time, watching Ronan's face and the way his eyelashes fell over his cheeks. Finally, he faced his fears. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

[somnioergosum]

No, Ronan wanted to say. He'd like to get out of the hospital and drink the memories away, but it didn't work like that.

Sick of staring at the corner of the wall, he closed his eyes. "I didn't want you to get hurt and I didn't think there'd be three of them." There was far more to say, but he ended it there.

Just what part of it did Adam want to talk about? Ronan would rather stay silent instead of volunteering information. Secrets were one of the few things he was good at and while he'd let Adam in on them, he wanted to hold onto them a while longer, even for only a few minutes.

[antietam]

Adam continued running his hand over Ronan, though his face became pensive. He tried to understand Ronan's thought process. After all, they were both used to having to do things on their own. He just thought that dating meant they would start learning how to get help.

"Okay," he accepted. He didn't want to dwell on that part. "Do you know why they're attacking again? It's been a while."

[somnioergosum]

Ronan said nothing. He brought his hand up to touch Adam's wrist and rest his fingers across it. The gesture wasn't to push him away but to encourage. Finally, he opened his eyes.

"You know all the ghosts last month?" Ronan should have stopped there. The part of him that kept his mouth all this time made one last attempt to seize his tongue. There was a strange resistance to moving his lips or even using his vocal chords, but once he'd made up his mind, Ronan wouldn't let anything stop him. "I saw my parents and--" There was a brief pause. It would pass unnoticed by most people, or just people who weren't Adam Parrish. "Me. The one from the church." The one he'd killed.

[antietam]

Adam opened his mouth to say something like you should have told me, but he realized that wouldn't do anything. Ronan was already feeling guilty and he knew that he'd made a mistake, rubbing it in would just close him off more.

So he nodded instead and took Ronan's hand, squeezing it. He swallowed, trying to push back the guilt. It was his fault that Ronan was traumatized by his own ghost. He should have found another way to ruin Greenmantle, but even now he can't find a plan that wouldn't involve Ronan's powers. Still, he was the one who asked Ronan to do it.

"Have you been dreaming about them since?"

[somnioergosum]

Ronan nodded. "Yeah."

If there was anyone he could talk to about this, it should be Adam. Not just because he was his boyfriend but he'd been there for both the death of his dream-self and when they found his... when they found what was left of his mom. But he either couldn't or didn't want to.

Talk about it, they said. Write about it, they said again. What was the point?

"They went away before," Ronan said dismissively, referring more to the night horrors than the contents of his dreams. "I'll get them to fuck off again."

[antietam]

Adam knew that tone. It meant Ronan was not interested in discussing it further. He understood, but a part of him was upset. Why couldn't Ronan talk to him about these things? What did he have to do to become worthy of it?

He couldn't be mad at Ronan right now. He just shifted closer, wishing Ronan weren't so distant.

"I'd see Persephone sometimes. Mostly when I was scrying." It hadn't seemed strange to him at the time, because it was Persephone and she was the one who taught him to scry. He heard her still in his mind, but now because she worked as his conscience. She wasn't a very good one.

"She'd always be trying to get me to look outside myself. At the big picture." He didn't know if this meant anything to Ronan. Persephone always left him frustrated but still managed to help him. Maybe her advice could reach Ronan. "Because I'd keep going deeper inside my own head and I'd shut everyone else out... if I did that while I was scrying, I'd die."

[somnioergosum]

There were few ways Adam's attempt could have been more transparent, but Ronan figured that was the point. He was the only one avoiding this subject.

What was he supposed to say? He didn't even feel like making a seeing dead people joke. He got what Adam was trying to say and was sorry about Persephone, but this wasn't the same. Or maybe it was. God what did he want from him?

Ronan shifted. His stomach hurt at the slight movement but he didn't stop. Without expression, how much energy could build up inside of him before he exploded? He might find out. He was stuck here, holding Adam's hand, which he didn't deserve, and unable to trash the room, which he did deserve.

"I don't have anyone in my head to help me, Adam. Opal's gone." It had been the best move for everyone for her to leave his dreams, and true she'd been no help once the night horrors appeared, but she was his strange, dream guide. She'd known why the night horrors attacked him when Ronan hadn't. Unless his father made another appearance in his dreams, one in which his head wasn't caved in, no one else would help. And that was a problem, because Ronan was one shitty savior.

"God, it was so fucking easy before."

[antietam]

Adam gave him a look, face scrunched up as if Ronan had said something crazy. "Are you even listening to me?" He wasn't mad, just confused about why Ronan couldn't see his point.

"Having someone to help you in your head is the opposite of what I'm saying. You need to get out of your head, Ronan." In some ways, it was a stupid thing to say to the Greywaren. He could never truly get out of his own head, but he knew Ronan also allowed himself to get stuck there. Stuck in the past.

"You're shutting yourself off from... from me. And maybe I can help."