They say if you die in a dream. you die in real life [open]

[somnioergosum]

who: Ronan Lynch and others
what: After being attacked by his own nightmares, Ronan recovers in the hospital and thinks about how much he hates himself. People come to tell him he’s an idiot or laugh. Who knows.
when: November 19 to late November
where: Riverview hospital
warnings: Self-loathing, references to past suicidal ideation, will update as needed

Not much impressed Ronan and the advanced medical t. The first day, while his stomach healed, he lay in bed viciously chewing on one of his leather wristbands, having thrown the other at the wall. The next few days, when he could bear to stand, he got up and paced and punched a wall before being forced back into bed.

Mostly, he stared at the walls and imagined tearing them apart and he hated. Oh God, did he hate and it was all at himself. He did it again. He did a-fucking-gain. The thoughts ran through his mind in a spiral. The last time this happened, his best friend had been there to question and judge and make him promise. Ronan said that it wouldn’t happen again. He'd meant it.

He lay in bed, gnawing on the leather bracelet like a dog. The hole in the band grew until it began to break into pieces. Only then did he stop, in order to tear it apart. Well, he tried to. What actually happened washe gritted his teeth in pain and snapped the band hard against his bed.

Comments

[antietam]

Adam gave him a look, face scrunched up as if Ronan had said something crazy. "Are you even listening to me?" He wasn't mad, just confused about why Ronan couldn't see his point.

"Having someone to help you in your head is the opposite of what I'm saying. You need to get out of your head, Ronan." In some ways, it was a stupid thing to say to the Greywaren. He could never truly get out of his own head, but he knew Ronan also allowed himself to get stuck there. Stuck in the past.

"You're shutting yourself off from... from me. And maybe I can help."

[somnioergosum]

At that Ronan snapped. "You're not there in my--" He stopped, finally registering the actual meaning.

This wasn't about just when he was in his dreams. Adam just wanted him to talk. Period. One of the things Ronan loved about their relationship was how they understood each other without saying a word. Now here was Adam, stabbing that lovely fantasy to death with his reason.

"Fuck." Ronan wanted to scrape his scalp, which had an unhealthy amount of hair, with his fingernails. Since he would have had to let go of Adam's hand he settled for blowing out out air through his teeth.

"I don't know what to say, O.K." There, that was the honesty Adam wanted.

[antietam]

"I know," he replied easily. He knew that if Ronan was able to communicate, he would. This wasn't some malicious act to hurt Adam.

"You don't have to say anything right now. But when you have those thoughts that get stuck in your head, just... tell me about them. It can't hurt."

He glanced over, knowing Ronan would disagree. He hoped that look would tell him that Adam was aware of the things that went on in Ronan's mind. After all, Adam was there once or twice. He knew the things likely to be there. He was prepared.

[somnioergosum]

Ronan's first impulse was to say fuck, no. But Adam, damn him, was right. His way of coping had landed him in the hospital again, took Ivar along with him, and worst of all, disappointed Adam. His old options were no longer viable. Living with Adam meant he couldn't drink away his problems every night and honestly, that hadn't been effective anyway and he knew it.

"Alright, fine," Ronan grumbled a "God damn it" immediately after. He tightened his hold on Adam's hand and started to pull him closer, before remembering he was on a shitty hospital bed and had only stopped bleeding both internally and externally a few hours ago.

[antietam]

Adam looked surprised that Ronan accepted without argument. He'd been forming counterarguments in his head, and now they were useless.

He gave Ronan a wary smile and kissed his forehead, leaning as close as he could without putting any pressure on his boyfriend. It was uncomfortable, but he couldn't care less.

"If it doesn't work, you're free to never speak to me again."

[somnioergosum]

Later, when Ronan was thinking clearly and had the strength to properly argue, Adam just might be able to put those arguments to use. But for now, Ronan leaned back into him.

"Shut up," he grumbled before closing his eyes.