They say if you die in a dream. you die in real life [open]

[somnioergosum]

who: Ronan Lynch and others
what: After being attacked by his own nightmares, Ronan recovers in the hospital and thinks about how much he hates himself. People come to tell him he’s an idiot or laugh. Who knows.
when: November 19 to late November
where: Riverview hospital
warnings: Self-loathing, references to past suicidal ideation, will update as needed

Not much impressed Ronan and the advanced medical t. The first day, while his stomach healed, he lay in bed viciously chewing on one of his leather wristbands, having thrown the other at the wall. The next few days, when he could bear to stand, he got up and paced and punched a wall before being forced back into bed.

Mostly, he stared at the walls and imagined tearing them apart and he hated. Oh God, did he hate and it was all at himself. He did it again. He did a-fucking-gain. The thoughts ran through his mind in a spiral. The last time this happened, his best friend had been there to question and judge and make him promise. Ronan said that it wouldn’t happen again. He'd meant it.

He lay in bed, gnawing on the leather bracelet like a dog. The hole in the band grew until it began to break into pieces. Only then did he stop, in order to tear it apart. Well, he tried to. What actually happened washe gritted his teeth in pain and snapped the band hard against his bed.

Comments

[antietam]

Adam gave him a bewildered stare for a long moment. He thought it was some kind of weird joke but it didn't make any sense until he put the pieces together. It took longer than it should have, mostly because he was distracted enough that he almost forgot they were in a hospital bed.

He pulled Ronan's hand off his cheek. "Way too soon to start making jokes, asshole." A beat. "But if that's the only way you're going to stay in bed and not get maimed, yeah."

It wasn't exactly a big sacrifice. Ronan was comfortable.

[somnioergosum]

"Fine. Forget I said anything." Ronan pulled his hand away. He sank back onto the bed and rested his head against the propped up pillow. For a hospital bed, it wasn't totally uncomfortable. He'd still rather be at home.

[antietam]

Adam scoffed but let him settle in, running his hand along Ronan's shoulder and chest, mostly just wanting to touch and also comfort him.

He was quiet for some time, watching Ronan's face and the way his eyelashes fell over his cheeks. Finally, he faced his fears. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

[somnioergosum]

No, Ronan wanted to say. He'd like to get out of the hospital and drink the memories away, but it didn't work like that.

Sick of staring at the corner of the wall, he closed his eyes. "I didn't want you to get hurt and I didn't think there'd be three of them." There was far more to say, but he ended it there.

Just what part of it did Adam want to talk about? Ronan would rather stay silent instead of volunteering information. Secrets were one of the few things he was good at and while he'd let Adam in on them, he wanted to hold onto them a while longer, even for only a few minutes.

[antietam]

Adam continued running his hand over Ronan, though his face became pensive. He tried to understand Ronan's thought process. After all, they were both used to having to do things on their own. He just thought that dating meant they would start learning how to get help.

"Okay," he accepted. He didn't want to dwell on that part. "Do you know why they're attacking again? It's been a while."

[somnioergosum]

Ronan said nothing. He brought his hand up to touch Adam's wrist and rest his fingers across it. The gesture wasn't to push him away but to encourage. Finally, he opened his eyes.

"You know all the ghosts last month?" Ronan should have stopped there. The part of him that kept his mouth all this time made one last attempt to seize his tongue. There was a strange resistance to moving his lips or even using his vocal chords, but once he'd made up his mind, Ronan wouldn't let anything stop him. "I saw my parents and--" There was a brief pause. It would pass unnoticed by most people, or just people who weren't Adam Parrish. "Me. The one from the church." The one he'd killed.

[antietam]

Adam opened his mouth to say something like you should have told me, but he realized that wouldn't do anything. Ronan was already feeling guilty and he knew that he'd made a mistake, rubbing it in would just close him off more.

So he nodded instead and took Ronan's hand, squeezing it. He swallowed, trying to push back the guilt. It was his fault that Ronan was traumatized by his own ghost. He should have found another way to ruin Greenmantle, but even now he can't find a plan that wouldn't involve Ronan's powers. Still, he was the one who asked Ronan to do it.

"Have you been dreaming about them since?"

[somnioergosum]

Ronan nodded. "Yeah."

If there was anyone he could talk to about this, it should be Adam. Not just because he was his boyfriend but he'd been there for both the death of his dream-self and when they found his... when they found what was left of his mom. But he either couldn't or didn't want to.

Talk about it, they said. Write about it, they said again. What was the point?

"They went away before," Ronan said dismissively, referring more to the night horrors than the contents of his dreams. "I'll get them to fuck off again."

[antietam]

Adam knew that tone. It meant Ronan was not interested in discussing it further. He understood, but a part of him was upset. Why couldn't Ronan talk to him about these things? What did he have to do to become worthy of it?

He couldn't be mad at Ronan right now. He just shifted closer, wishing Ronan weren't so distant.

"I'd see Persephone sometimes. Mostly when I was scrying." It hadn't seemed strange to him at the time, because it was Persephone and she was the one who taught him to scry. He heard her still in his mind, but now because she worked as his conscience. She wasn't a very good one.

"She'd always be trying to get me to look outside myself. At the big picture." He didn't know if this meant anything to Ronan. Persephone always left him frustrated but still managed to help him. Maybe her advice could reach Ronan. "Because I'd keep going deeper inside my own head and I'd shut everyone else out... if I did that while I was scrying, I'd die."

[somnioergosum]

There were few ways Adam's attempt could have been more transparent, but Ronan figured that was the point. He was the only one avoiding this subject.

What was he supposed to say? He didn't even feel like making a seeing dead people joke. He got what Adam was trying to say and was sorry about Persephone, but this wasn't the same. Or maybe it was. God what did he want from him?

Ronan shifted. His stomach hurt at the slight movement but he didn't stop. Without expression, how much energy could build up inside of him before he exploded? He might find out. He was stuck here, holding Adam's hand, which he didn't deserve, and unable to trash the room, which he did deserve.

"I don't have anyone in my head to help me, Adam. Opal's gone." It had been the best move for everyone for her to leave his dreams, and true she'd been no help once the night horrors appeared, but she was his strange, dream guide. She'd known why the night horrors attacked him when Ronan hadn't. Unless his father made another appearance in his dreams, one in which his head wasn't caved in, no one else would help. And that was a problem, because Ronan was one shitty savior.

"God, it was so fucking easy before."

[antietam]

Adam gave him a look, face scrunched up as if Ronan had said something crazy. "Are you even listening to me?" He wasn't mad, just confused about why Ronan couldn't see his point.

"Having someone to help you in your head is the opposite of what I'm saying. You need to get out of your head, Ronan." In some ways, it was a stupid thing to say to the Greywaren. He could never truly get out of his own head, but he knew Ronan also allowed himself to get stuck there. Stuck in the past.

"You're shutting yourself off from... from me. And maybe I can help."

[somnioergosum]

At that Ronan snapped. "You're not there in my--" He stopped, finally registering the actual meaning.

This wasn't about just when he was in his dreams. Adam just wanted him to talk. Period. One of the things Ronan loved about their relationship was how they understood each other without saying a word. Now here was Adam, stabbing that lovely fantasy to death with his reason.

"Fuck." Ronan wanted to scrape his scalp, which had an unhealthy amount of hair, with his fingernails. Since he would have had to let go of Adam's hand he settled for blowing out out air through his teeth.

"I don't know what to say, O.K." There, that was the honesty Adam wanted.

[antietam]

"I know," he replied easily. He knew that if Ronan was able to communicate, he would. This wasn't some malicious act to hurt Adam.

"You don't have to say anything right now. But when you have those thoughts that get stuck in your head, just... tell me about them. It can't hurt."

He glanced over, knowing Ronan would disagree. He hoped that look would tell him that Adam was aware of the things that went on in Ronan's mind. After all, Adam was there once or twice. He knew the things likely to be there. He was prepared.

[somnioergosum]

Ronan's first impulse was to say fuck, no. But Adam, damn him, was right. His way of coping had landed him in the hospital again, took Ivar along with him, and worst of all, disappointed Adam. His old options were no longer viable. Living with Adam meant he couldn't drink away his problems every night and honestly, that hadn't been effective anyway and he knew it.

"Alright, fine," Ronan grumbled a "God damn it" immediately after. He tightened his hold on Adam's hand and started to pull him closer, before remembering he was on a shitty hospital bed and had only stopped bleeding both internally and externally a few hours ago.

[antietam]

Adam looked surprised that Ronan accepted without argument. He'd been forming counterarguments in his head, and now they were useless.

He gave Ronan a wary smile and kissed his forehead, leaning as close as he could without putting any pressure on his boyfriend. It was uncomfortable, but he couldn't care less.

"If it doesn't work, you're free to never speak to me again."

[somnioergosum]

Later, when Ronan was thinking clearly and had the strength to properly argue, Adam just might be able to put those arguments to use. But for now, Ronan leaned back into him.

"Shut up," he grumbled before closing his eyes.