( open ) is this the place we used to love

[winscenario]

who: Jim Kirk & YOU!
what: yet another memory share post to add to the pile (sorry guys)
when: 9th - 23rd
where: wherever you like
warnings: death (his own and other people), possibly some violence. nothing too terribly intense or graphic. will update if need be!


I ▹ DREAMSCAPE

[ It's warm. It's too warm, even, the sun shining down on your head, making sweat form rapidly across skin. There's very little that offers shade too— everything is a vast wide open field, dried foliage and nothingness all around. There's an old and neglected barn not too far off, a tree well in the distance, and a beaten path that doesn't seem like it's used too often.

You'll recognize Jim, standing just to the side, eyes on that road. A car is coming in at some speed, gradually closer as it approaches the barn.

He's not really expecting company, not here of all places. What is there to see, anyway, in the middle of nowhere, Iowa? Hands in his pockets, he looks a little resigned, a little wistful, trying very hard for it not to come off as nostalgic as he turns around to greet whoever's just walked into his dream. ]

This isn't going to be terribly exciting, I'm afraid.

II ▹ VISION

[ The first few visions aren't clear or telling at all, but they are intense, loud, explosive. Sounds of people yelling, gunfire, the heat of minor explosions, the pain of broken glass piercing skin. You could swear you can feel your heart beat rapidly in your chest, a sense of panic and dread, then a deep, piercing grief you can't quite pinpoint or explain.

Eventually, the memory reveals itself completely. It starts with an attack, evidently a set-up, which comes to explain most of the feelings, the sense of fear, the rush of adrenaline. The grief, however, is only explained later, when you experience the rest of the memory. You don't know the dying man, but for a moment, it feels like you do. It feels like you love him greatly, and the loss comes with a strange sense of regret for things left unsaid. ]

III ▹ VISION

[ This particular memory starts revealing itself with an unusual physical manifestation: pain. Or the memory of it, anyway. Wherever you are, there's a sudden, intense ache, there and gone in a moment, though it leaves your heart racing, your breath coming a little short. Panic comes soon after, and without knowing how to explain it, you find yourself terrified. Before you experience the memory in its entirety, you suddenly are sure of one thing: you're going to die.

But it's not until you experience the whole memory that you understand, that those sensations are explained, as well as the glimpses of the Vulcan whom you don't think you know, so much as feel you recognize. This memory is intense for a whole other set of reasons. It's quiet for the most part, but your heart beats too loudly, your breath comes out too ragged. You feel at a loss, cold, and completely alone. And it's terrifying to the last second, until your sight blurs and dissolves into pitch black. ]

IV ▹ DREAMSCAPE

[ You come to on a ship. It looks a little worn and like it shouldn't be able to withstand flight, and yet here it is, going at an impressive speed across space. Scarier than that, though, is what can be seen on the view screen: thousands and thousands of small vessels, working in perfect coordination, taking a shape of sorts as they seemingly prepare to attack.

Among the very small crew on the bridge, there's a perfect reflection of Jim sitting in the captain's chair, fingers curling tight into the armrest. They all seem completely unaware of both your presence, and the only one who makes a note of you being there is the other Jim, in casual clothes and hair a little longer, glancing between you and the scene as he takes a moment to piece together what's happening here. ]

The swarm ships are doubling back, they are forming an attack wave, sir. [ Chekov warns the captain, to which he answers promptly, like the commands were keyed in already, just waiting for the right time. ]

We've got their attention. [ More of a murmur than anything, then— ] Hold steady, Mr. Sulu. Brace yourselves, everybody. Spock, stand by to drop out of formation. Scotty, you all cued up back there?

[ Scotty, bent over a console, nods. ] Aye, sir!

[ The Jim standing next to you smiles a little, raising his eyebrows and tipping his head. ] We should listen to my advice. This ride's about to get bumpy.

[ ooc: if you'd like any other specific memories from any of the movies, feel free to let me know and I can write a starter for you! ]

Comments

for Beverly

[winscenario]

It's not a very clear vision at first, but the sensation itself is especially intense. Her mind spins and for a moment Beverly will feel as though it's been overloaded with information, even if she might not understand what kind of information it is.

A voice rings through eventually, low, rough, and worn: My mind to your mind. My thoughts... to your thoughts.

When the memory finally reveals itself, it's not at all a pleasant experience. A much older Spock approaches her, and when she tries to flinch, he explains that their minds will be one and together. Jim had no idea what that meant then, and in the memory, she'll feel as though she's not entirely aware either, even if she might know better than Jim himself did at the time.

The amount of information is overwhelming. There isn't just the story of how Spock ended up in Jim's own timeline, but also flashes of the story of Spock and Jim's relationship as Spock remembers it, the feelings of deep trust and friendship being passed on, the grief over Jim's loss in Spock's own timeline. The mind meld ends with Spock watching helplessly as Vulcan's destroyed.

It's too much, and when the mind meld, and thus the memory, comes to an end, Beverly will find her heart racing in her chest, her mind spinning, her stomach twisting. She might even end up crying, just like Jim himself did back then.

for Bones

[winscenario]

The memory begins as Jim studies the last information provided by Starfleet about their mission to Altamid. Bones will remember that, no doubt. "We tracked her stranded ship to a sector of the uncharted nebula. Here, 210, mark 14," Commodore Paris explains, as she walks around a holographic projection. Bones will experience Jim's point of view, as he bends over a holotable, tapping into the system and checking out the information himself.

"Long range scans?" Jim asks, and the Commodore's voice is heard in answer to his question. "No data. The nebula is too dense. It's uncharted space." The projection changes to show the nebula instead.

"Well, the Enterprise does have the best navigational system in the fleet. She could handle it." Jim sounds sure, and Bones will feel sure too, oddly enough.

"The only ship here with more advanced technology is still under construction," Paris says, as she makes her way over to Jim, resting her hands on the table and leaning over it from the other side. "But it is not just the ship we are sending."

Bones knows what that means. Jim did too then, and there's a quirk of his lips, then he nods. "I'll gather the crew," he turns then, all but ready to leave until Paris's voice halts his steps again.

"Captain." Jim stops, turns around again. Paris goes on. "Starfleet Command sent me your application for the Vice Admiral position here, at this installation."

There's a sense of unease, uncertainty, but Jim nods, and for all that he doesn't feel sure, he at least sounds it. "Yes, ma'am. Uh... If I may, I would... recommend Commander Spock replace me as Captain of the Enterprise. He is... an exemplary Starfleet officer. He'll make a great captain."

"It isn't uncommon, you know?" Paris says, something akin to understanding in her tone. "Even for a captain, to want to leave. There is no relative direction in the vastness of space. There's only yourself, your ship, your crew. It's easier than you think to get lost."

Jim shakes his head. There's a hollow in his chest, one Bones will feel too. "It's not about—"

"I will talk about it with the General Council," Paris cuts him off. "We'll discuss it when you return."

It's not a conversation to have with the Commodore, Jim realizes. He opts to just nod and leave it at that, at least for now. "Ma'am," he says respectfully, then turns around, leaving the room.

[legendary_hands]

When he'd arrived home, he'd found Jim already there asleep on the sofa lookin' for all the world like he'd not slept in days. Not that he doubted Jim didn't find some way to wear himself out that day and it was gettin' late. The doctor had foregone picking up dinner if only because his shift ran late. And finding the blonde tuckered out got a fond smile out of him.

Dropping his bag and coat in a chair, he moved to the sofa and leaned over the back, one hand reaching down to sweep back his bangs. It was really only meant as a loving touch, affectionate and soft. But something about the feeling of that contact caused his head to swim. For a moment, the world just seemed to fade around him and something equally familiar yet not filled his mind's eye.

And when the whole scene played out, Leonard found something cold balling up in his chest like ice. Breathing in slowly, his hand stayed hover just between them, frozen mid retraction. The shock sent a shiver down his spine as he tried to work through what he'd just seen.

Yorktown. That was Yorktown.

He knew exactly when. Could pin point it with such precision it made his stomach turn with nausea. Finally pulling back, he curled suddenly trembling fingers into his palms only to lean heavily on the back of the sofa. His eyes stayed on Jim, a horrible empty feeling unfairly gnawing at his insides.

"You were going to leave me."

His voice came out unfairly soft. A hurt he'd not felt in years welling up and stinging with a sharp inhale. The idea felt almost too hurtful to even be real. Would Jim really just... leave him like that? The doctor knew it was selfish. Knew he should've been offended for the crew... but honestly, all he could focus on was that Jim would actually leave him.

[winscenario]

Some days were a little more tiring than others, and while Jim wasn't often the kind to pass out the moment he got home, sometimes if it was late enough, and he decided to wait for Bones for them to prepare dinner together, sitting on the couch was all it took for him to fall asleep quickly enough. It was the result of laziness more so than anything, admittedly, and he didn't wake up even as the front door opened and Bones came inside.

Actually it wasn't until Bones touched his face that he started to stir awake. A long hum first, and he stretched on the cushions, pressing his lips and letting out a soft whine. He yawned and eventually blinked his eyes open, lazy smile stretching across his features as he caught a glimpse of Bones's face, folded arms resting back against the armrest of the couch.

"You're home," he said, voice soft and lazy, not having heard Bones's own words at all. If Bones looked upset, it didn't immediately register with him, and he reached a hand up to run his fingers through Bones's own hair. "How was your day?"

[legendary_hands]

For a long moment, he didn't even realize Jim shifted or that he started to wake up. But when he did, he pulled his hand back and curled it around the back of the sofa and tried to push the vision away. This place was strange. It did strange things. So he didn't want to discount this moment for his imagination, but he also didn't want to believe that Jim had truly planned to leave him and not even talk to him about it.

Brow furrowing, he leaned down without thought into Jim's touch. He always gravitated to it, even when his mind was swimming and that icy knot in his chest got tighter. "Not bad." It hadn't been more than just busy. It didn't completely rip the rug out from under him till just this moment.

He wanted to just push it away. Pretend he didn't see it, but he knew damn well his brain would eat him up till Jim finally asked him what was eatin' at him. So he rolled the words around before questioning softly. "Back in Yorktown... what did you meet with Commodore Paris about when we arrived?" It was a simple question, a chance for Jim to fess up without him accusin' him of nothin'. But he had a bad feeling. One that told him Jim would play it off and avoid it anyway.

And part of him wondered if he'd been part of the problem that even gave him a thought to leave. Maybe he'd been too insensitive or a bad friend. Maybe he'd pushed too hard to get Jim to take better care of himself. And honestly, that hurt even worse if he considered that he might be part of what Jim wanted to run away from back then.

[winscenario]

It didn't take a whole lot for Jim to figure out that something was off, admittedly. He could read Bones's face like an open book by now, and even when he barely said a thing, the signs in his tone and body language alone spoke volumes. Jim was still a little groggy, granted, but not enough not to pay attention and notice even the faintest signs that something was wrong.

Before he got to ask about it, though, Bones provided a little more clarification in form of question. Jim's heart tightened a little in his chest, because even before Bones touched the topic that truly was on his mind, Jim already knew where their conversation was headed.

"About the mission," he started, shifting so he was sitting on the couch, turned sideways, still looking up at Bones. "Mostly. Why? What... what did you see?"

It was that, wasn't it? Those damn memories, being thrown around and shown at random for just about anyone to see. And of course. Of course that one had to find Bones, of all people.

[legendary_hands]

That... wasn't a lie. But it wasn't the full truth either. Letting out a slow breath, he leaned more heavily on his hands on the back of the sofa and frowned at his knuckles for a moment. His jaw tightened a little as he considered Jim's question. It pretty much affirmed it anyway. If he didn't see it to the end, Jim wouldn't have to tell him. And he wagered Jim wouldn't tell him.

Tipping his head up finally, he looked at him quietly before straightening up and releasing the death grip on the furniture. His throat felt tight and the words he fumbled with didn't seem to have any intention of coming out and affirming that dread. "Were you mad at me? 'Fraid I wouldn't get it if you felt like you needed..." He started to insult the ship, but right then he didn't feel like the ship was the problem and when it came right down to it, he loved the Enterprise more than he had any other vessel. Or likely ever would.

What he couldn't wrap his head around was why Jim never said anything to him. And that was it, wasn't it? Taking a step back, he pushed a hand through his hair and then moved it back to pinch at the bridge of his nose. It was just a little something he did. A motion to distract himself a moment when the emotions were getting too jumbled and threatening to make him explode.

"Did you plan on tellin' me?" Did they deny his request or did Jim decide to stay? But wasn't that first question the more important one?

[winscenario]

That was definitely the truth, and deep down, Jim knew it. That if Bones hadn't seen that memory to its end, then Jim wouldn't tell him about his application for the position. It had been a moment of panic, something he hadn't thought through at all, and he hadn't considered the consequences fully. Hell, he'd recommended Spock for captain and he hadn't even breathed a single word about it to him.

Bones's first question threw him for loop, though. Jim's brow furrowed, eyes widening. "What? No! No, I wasn't— it was nothing you did. Nothing. Look, it was just... it had nothing to do with you. With anyone on the crew, really."

He couldn't even explain the reasons why. He'd spent so many months feeling so out of place, so lost in his own ship, on that bridge, a place he'd called home for so long. He had no doubt in good part it was a consequence of what had happened with Khan, and his own death too, but he had never bothered to address those issues, so. Maybe it was just his own unhealthy subconscious way of coping. But it had never been something caused by anyone on his crew, least of all his best friend.

Which was, he realized, probably what upset Bones the most. Not that Jim had submitted that application, but that he hadn't uttered a single word about it.

Well, he owed him at least the truth now, he figured.

"If I had... accepted the position, then yeah, I would have told you. Obviously. I wouldn't have just turned my back on you." Or Spock, Scotty, Uhura... there were a number of people on that ship he'd had spoken to, before even the announcement was made, and the preparations began. "But that never came close to happening, so... I didn't see a point. Bringing it up."

[legendary_hands]

It felt only slightly relieving to know that he'd not done anything to avert Jim from talking to him. Or just wanting to get away from him. Whatever the case may be. But it really... it really didn't help as he stood there and let it really sink in. No, this was just something that was deep seated and botherin' the hell out of Jim and he'd never thought that maybe Leonard might've just listened.

Not for lack of tryin'. But Jim made a point to say his bedside manner sucked.

Finally crossing his arms over his chest, he kept his eyes on the floor for a long moment, brow furrowed sharply into lines as a wave of nausea hit him. Or maybe it was just the twist in his chest that hurt so much.

Why was he so surprised that Jim didn't talk to him? He just wasn't sure if that was Jim's fault or his own. All that piled on top of each other made that matter of fact answer sting sharp like a slap in the face. Lifting his gaze back to Jim, he pushed down the knot of betrayal as best he could and well... the hurt he couldn't just toss away.

"Ever occur to you that it'd be too late for me to ask for a transfer if you waited that long?" His voice fell quiet, a deep roll of sound breathed out almost on a shaky breath. "Or was that your intent?" He wasn't angry. Honest to God, it hurt too much to even feel the drive to be angry. Turning his head away, he bit at his lower lip before finally adding. "You know... you were the only reason I went out there. Did you really mean to just leave me out there?"

But he had a feeling... Jim hadn't even thought about him in all of this. And maybe that hurt worse.

[winscenario]

He honestly had no idea what would come next, at this point. Bones always seemed to have unique and surprising ways to express his anger— sometimes he yelled and cursed, other times he just fell dead silent, and frankly Jim didn't know how to handle either right now. So he just sat there in silence, biting his cheek and hoping beyond hope that Bones didn't get too upset over something that was practically out of Jim's mind at this point.

Or had been, at least. Not so much anymore, now.

"Don't say that," he said evenly, but quietly. "I never once thought about it as a way to get away from you, so don't you even think that." The fact Bones even considered that option hurt him a little, honestly. Jim's attitude may have been shitty but he hadn't kept it to himself solely in hopes of getting rid of his best friend. Frankly, he hadn't even thought that part through, about the people he didn't want to part ways with. He'd never considered how difficult it would be for Bones, or for him, to be apart. The doctor had been an intrinsic part of his life for eight years, he hadn't even thought about the fact that the transfer would have likely meant them parting ways.

"No. I... I didn't think about that," he confessed, voice lowering. He looked down to the couch, shoulders hunching a little. "I didn't think about a number of things. I just... I don't know. I didn't really think any of it through."

[legendary_hands]

Shifting to press a hand to his face, he let out a long suffering sigh. "'Course you didn't." It was no more than a murmur as he moved to rub his eyes. God that hurt. It affirmed that worry. That concern that he didn't occur to Jim. The man lived impulsively, only having to take care of himself for most of his life. He should've expected that.

But eight years. Eight years he stood by Jim and never backed down. He'd drop down the rank ladder if he had to just to follow the idiot wherever he went. And now... now he wondered just how true that was in reverse.

He just didn't want to think about it. It happened a while back. Things were different now. Right?

Shaking his head, he tried to push the thoughts aside. "Guess it doesn't matter anymore." In theory, it shouldn't. And right now, the doctor didn't know what he needed. And maybe that rawness in his chest was why he finally spoke again. "You're always first. You know that? Everything I do, every decision I've made..." And the rest fell off as a bitter taste curled in his mouth. Huffing a soft sound he shook his head. God, he felt so damn stupid. He felt wired all wrong and vaguely alone suddenly.

But things should be different now.

"I'm just... going to find something easy for dinner. Want anything?" He spoke the words in an empty sort of tone before turning to head toward the kitchen. Leonard just needed a moment to shake this off. It would be fine. Just right now he knew he should keep his mouth shut.

iii.

[evasives]

[the perimeter guard is going well, all things considered. cassian finds himself working with jim on amd off for the familiarity of it. less people to meet, to idly chat with. it helps that they can just work in silence sometimes, whether it's on tech or poking at the shuttle. he reaches for a wrench over on the floor, and his arm brushes against jim's; the simple touch of it sets off a memory.]

[cassian knows death, and he knows in this vision that death is close. he can feel his heart rate spike, terrified to be experiencing it twice, but the flash of it is over and he feels like he can breathe again. it's a different sort of intensity to watching the horizon come closer, but the feelings are all too familiar.]

[when he's out of it, he blinks at jim, almost apologetically.] That was you, I assume.

[winscenario]

It shouldn't matter anymore, at least. And yet, Jim could tell easily that it mattered a whole lot to Bones, even if he honestly thought the doctor was putting too much weight on something he saw as practically insignificant. It was in the past now, and thinking back, Jim was fully aware that he'd have never gone through with it.

But he didn't like that Bones just wanted to avoid the topic and walk away. He knew there were things he was leaving unsaid, and those were going to just hover above their heads like an acid cloud, threatening to come down on them at any moment. Such a stupid thing, with the potential to ruin so much... Jim didn't want that.

"I think of you too. Often, in other choices I've made— it's not fair of you to focus on that one time. I didn't think about anyone, not just you. I don't think I even thought about myself, about what I really wanted. I just felt aimless, and..."

Honestly, he wanted to throw in Bones's face that it had had nothing to do with him. But that would achieve nothing, not aside from angering Bones further. He stood up, walking after him towards the kitchen. "You may as well tell me what's on your mind. I'd rather have honesty than silence."

[winscenario]

[ Being a vision, Jim doesn't experience it along with Cassian, although with the way he tenses and seemingly freezes up for those few minutes is enough for Jim to be able to tell that something's happening. It's a behavior he's seen plenty of as of late, and he quickly relates it to the memory flashes and visions that have been going around.

It's not the first time it's happened with his memories either, although it is the first time he sees someone experiencing them firsthand. ]

Must've been. [ His brow furrows, cautious and curious both. ] What did you see?

[legendary_hands]

Leonard wasn't going to discount that. Jim did think about him. But that didn't take the sting off the idea that Jim nearly walked out on his crew and him without a thought of any of them. What would have happened if that horrible mission hadn't occurred? Would Jim have left? Leaning against the wall just outside the kitchen, he ran a hand over his face, closing his eyes.

"I'm not upset about you feeling that way." He got hints of that just looking at Jim back then. But no amount of prodding or asking got him anywhere. At the time, he'd just let Jim have his space and his secrets. The doctor wasn't even so sure that pushing would get him anywhere even if he'd done that differently.

Finally lifting his gaze to Jim, he felt extraordinarily tired suddenly. "Look, I'm just being stupid. I'll get over it." Because he didn't want to stand here and pour his feelings out on the floor and risk just the slightest possibility it wasn't equal. Or just look like a damn emotional mess. He just never even considered the fact that Jim would willfully decide something that would leave him behind. That knowledge just left him feeling raw inside.

He just... needed to focus on the fact that things were different now. If anything, Jim looked so much happier and less... aimless.

ii.

[realists]

[ jyn is no stranger to death, not even on such a large scale. she'd watched tamsye prime being bombed, she'd escaped the death of jedha, she hadn't escaped the death of scarif.

it's not easier that it's people she doesn't know because she feels like she knows them, it hurts with the same intensity, tears pricking at her eyes.

her papers flutter out of her hands, scattering across the floor and when jyn's mind refocuses, she scowls as she stoops to pick them up, swiping the back of her hand across her eyes. she refuses to cry, stalking over and shoving her papers at kirk with more force than absolutely necessary. ]

Why is this happening?

[ not her notes and papers and such, it's clear what she means, it isn't as if all over riverview isn't being inundated with these memories and flashes and visions and dreams. jyn hates them. ]

[winscenario]

Jim just stood there, staring at Bones for a while, waiting —partly hoping, partly fearing— for Bones to just let it all out. Yell at him if he felt like it. He probably would deserve it anyway, considering what he'd done. It had been stupid and thoughtless and childish, and maybe he needed someone to throw that in his face.

"Seriously? If you don't wanna talk about it, then why bring it up at all?" He lifted his shoulders, running his hands through his hair as he turned away from Bones. He was frustrated more than anything— more than he was sorry, really, which was what he should be.

He moved back towards the couch, picking up his jacket from the armrest. "If we're just going to sit around and ignore the elephant in the room, then I need some air. I'm going out." No way he was gonna sit down and have dinner and act as though Bones wasn't upset or hadn't seen that memory at all.

[dancingmd]

It hits her, as these memories are wont to do, at exactly the wrong moment, when she's in the middle of talking to a patient. Even though she's had more than enough experience sharing another's mind by now, what she had with Jean-Luc was not nearly as intense and overwhelming as this. They were careful with one another, delicate almost. This is a storm of emotion threatening to drown her.

She stumbles back, gasping, her nurse rushing to her side with concern. Though everyone at the hospital knows of these memory-sharing occurrences by now, and know it's nothing permanent, they send her home for the day anyway. As soon as she's back at her apartment and calmed down somewhat, she picks up her phone to call.

"Jim? Jim, it's Beverly... I think... I think we need to talk. I just saw one of you memories." Or rather, his memory of Spock's memories. The supernova. It can't... not after all the work Spock has put into reunifying Vulcan and Romulus.

[legendary_hands]

If he thought the revelation was a shocker, Jim's reaction to this felt like someone dumped a damned bucket of ice water over his head. Was he... Was Jim honestly about to walk out because Leonard managed to hold back his temper and not raise up a fuss over something that he knew damn well Jim felt was too far in the past to matter? A point he was more than certain Jim would throw in his face if he spoke up with his idiotic feelings.

And that little telltale reaction to stress on Jim's part was just as angering to him as the request for a transfer was upsetting. His posture straightened as he stood in Jim's wake and glared holes into his back. "I faced all of my fears to follow you. Risked my fucking career twice over and good name as a doctor because I refused to be another person in your life that turned and walked out for whatever tomfool reason they came up with to leave you behind. And here you are..." Walking out of him even if for one night or however long. But he let that one go as he took a deep breath through clenched teeth.

"I thought I earned a right to a little bit of thought back then. And no, I don't regret anything I've done to keep your ass alive or the choices I've made to make sure you weren't ever left behind. But maybe I need to regret my own stupidity for thinking just maybe a little of that was reciprocated back then." And it felt sickeningly like something Jocelyn might've done to him. But Jim's not her. Jim's not like her. So he at least had enough wits not to throw that out there.

At least he had the presence of mind enough to distinguish now and then. But it still hurt regardless. Even if it was god damn stupid to feel that way. "Guess I'm just a fucking idiot for thinking that." Without another word, he turned toward the kitchen blindly pulling things out to make something, anything, before he said something else driven by emotion. He already dug the hole deep enough. Jim was already going to walk out.

It hurt just thinking about it. But right then, a streak of stubbornness was pushing him, and he sure as hell wasn't going to fall apart in front of Jim. Not when Jim's answer to the issue was to leave.

[evasives]

[not only does he hate being privy to people's personal memories, cassian hates the way the flashes leave him feeling vulnerable to his own surroundings in reality. he also can't decide if it's better or worse when the memories aren't shared, because explaining them feels awkward.]

[the cold, the loneliness. cassian has felt it a lot, and it was always how he imagined he'd die. it wasn't but - it's familiar enough. he's had some close calls.]

It seemed like a death. Yours. You were trapped and severely wounded behind a door.

[winscenario]

Of all the people to see and experience his memories, Beverly's part of a small list that doesn't actually bother Jim much. He trusts her, and he knows that she'll understand even the toughest moments he's been through. Maybe that's in part due to her coming from a universe practically identical to his own, but either way, he doesn't question it.

But when she calls her, he can't help being a little worried. She's evidently upset, and if she's calling him specifically to talk about it, then he has to guess it can't have been an easy memory. "Alright," he clears his throat into the phone, pausing for a second or two. "Uh... I'm home right now. Can you come by, or would you rather I meet you elsewhere?"

[winscenario]

Jim couldn't even explain his reaction right now, if he tried. Letting his head cool later on, he'd quickly come to see how he wasn't in the right here, and that this was just a kneejerk reaction to feeling accused of something, even though Bones wasn't truly accusing him of anything. He was just upset after all, understandably so. Jim just...

He couldn't put to words what had gone through his mind back then. Couldn't really explain why the instinct to flee had kicked in. He hadn't felt lost, as Paris had said, so much as scared. Not sure what of, though, and back then, he certainly didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Not Bones, not Spock... that had been why he'd struggled to speak to his first officer, and failed to do so in the end.

All the same, really. In the end he came to his senses and saw how that position wasn't meant for him. Not at that point in his life, at least. So telling anyone about it, including Bones, had become a moot point.

He opened his mouth now, not quite sure of what to say. He should probably apologize, or soothe things between them a little, but his mind was already out the door even if he was still physically inside the house. So what he blurted out was both thoughtless and hurtful.

"Not everything I do has to do with you, Bones. I don't consider you in every decision I make," his voice was low and soft, but the words still cut along his throat and tongue like a sharp blade. "Maybe you shouldn't have constantly thought of me for each of your choices, either."

Before Bones could say anything, he was turning around and heading towards the door, running away in a panic, like a dog with his tail between his legs.

[winscenario]

[ Jim's gaze drops for a moment, lips folding inwards before he tips his head. ] Ah.

[ He doesn't need Cassian to describe it in great detail, the moment he mentions Jim's death he knows exactly what he's talking about. It's not something he likes reliving, much less so talking about with other people, but he's not so averse to it that he'd try to change the subject now, particularly when Cassian's had to deal with the experience too. ]

Yeah, it's mine. Radiation. I was poisoned when I had to go into my ship's warp core without protection. [ He looks up at Cassian. ] It wasn't permanent, for what it's worth. I mean, I was dead for a good while, preserved in a cryotube. Luckily for me, my doctor also happens to be a miracle worker.

[winscenario]

[ Too many people here are too used to death, Jim thinks. He himself has seen far too much of it, which is frightening considering how the Federation is largely peaceful, and so is Starfleet. Sadly the same can't be said for the rest of the galaxy.

Of course Jim has no idea what memory she just experienced, but the moment she snaps out of it, he can tell she just had one of those visions. Her eyes are a little red and he's far too focused looking at her to properly process it when she shoves the papers at him. He fumbles with the pile, nearly letting half of them fall to the ground again. ]

Beats me— damn it. [ He pulls the papers to his chest, then goes over to a table and lets them drop onto the surface so he can put them in their proper order. He glances at Jyn, tentative. ] What did you see?

[dancingmd]

"No, no... I think it's better to discuss this in private."

She pauses, considering another factor. "Or if Leonard's there too, I imagine that will be all right. I can't imagine it's anything he doesn't know about already." It would be impossible, in fact, for him not to know about Vulcan, or of Romulus before it. "I can be over there in a few minutes."