riverviewlogs | [OPEN] As I arrived I thought I saw you leaving, carrying your shoes

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[OPEN] As I arrived I thought I saw you leaving, carrying your shoes

who: Jamie Dodger and YOU!
what: Memory-sharing, in both day-flash and dream flavors.
when: All throughout the event.
where: ~Dreamscape~
warnings: Drug use/alcoholism, child abuse, domestic abuse, violence/murder, mentions of sexual violence, and just... y'know. Dodger's life.

--

i. revolution

[This is a rather long flash, but it crops up during the day - in first person, from the eyes of someone quickly stalking through the shadows of an alleyway. As he reaches a turn, a burly young man with glasses and ill-fitting clothing comes to speak to him.]

Demarco's here. Shen was with him when he showed up, but he ran off again - we can track Shen down if you want, but it won't help anything if-

Let Shen go. I've got him where I need him, no need to piss off the BLQ. [Dodger looks the man over, focus narrowing on a small cut just barely visible under his bangs, by his hairline.] Where were you last night?

What? Nowhere. [The man glances around, bemused, before shaking his head.] Come on, Demarco's this way.

[Without another word Dodger follows him, to meet two more men holding a third by his arms. The man is struggling, unkempt and clearly drugged up on something, and his body stretches unnaturally - like rubber - as he tries to struggle away from the other two. Still, he can't shape his body shape quite enough to escape. As soon as he spots Dodger he stops, a manic smile on his face.]

Thank god. Dodger. Dodger, Dodger, you're with me on this, yeah? C'mon, kid, those fuckers oughta know we're around, right, gotta show a message, send a-

[He can't get any further than that, before Dodger's put a bullet through his head. His face is caught in a look of shock, as the men release him and he melts into a sickening puddle of misshapen limbs. Dodger barely looks at it before turning back to the man he'd followed here.]

You can handle this shit yourself next time, Johnny. I mean it. If I have to personally deal with every fucking idiot that thinks revolution means standing on top of a cop car shouting threats, we're never getting anything done. Yeah?

[Johnny is stunned as he turns, but he hears the man chattering to one of the others - 'he remembered my name!' Dodger lets out a sneer before the flash ends, returning the viewer to their daily routine.]

ii. useful

[This is a shorter flash. It lasts only a few moments - from a first-person perspective of a rather short teenager, the viewer is watching a man repeatedly smash an acoustic guitar into the ground. The guitar isn't particularly expensive looking, but the boy is trembling with rage and fear as he sees it. The man is much larger than him, a drunk monster dressed like a greaser from the 50's and reeking of booze and women.

The guitar's body snaps away from its neck, and he stomps it down a few times before kicking it aside and grabbing the boy by his ear.]

Stop wasting your money on this worthless shit, understand? [The man barks at him, aiming a smart whack to his head with the guitar's neck before tossing it aside.] You got no use for it. 'Cause I got no use for it. And if you ain't useful to me, you ain't. Useful. Got it?

[The boy can't manage a response, but he gets out a choked sob before the memory ends.]

iii. blood

[Another day flash, about medium length. The viewer is now in the perspective of a young boy, sitting on the ledge of a dizzyingly tall building. Another man is sitting just behind him, legs on either side of him to effectively trap him against edge of the building. In his hands, young Dodger is holding a large sniper rifle, heavy in his arms despite his growing musculature.]

Let's check out that playground, you see anyone there?

Yeah. [His voice betrays him as roughly 12 during this memory, and his accent is a muddled mixture of London and Boston.] Two girls and a boy.

Let's play with some female empowerment. [The man mutters, motioning for Dodger to pull the gun up.] You know what the difference between girls and women is? Blood.

I don't...

The boy, kid. Aim it at the boy.

[Dodger hesitates, but he raises the gun and watches through the crosshair. His target is a middle schooler, apparently keeping an eye on the two girls who seem to be about eight. Dodger is silent for a few moments before putting the gun down.]

Paul, I can't do it.

It's one fuckin' button, how hard could it be.

But I-

Pull it, or I'm shoving you off the wall. Benny's orders.

[Dodger swallows uncomfortably, and lifts the gun again. The memory ends as he trains the gun on his target and pulls the trigger, squeezing his eyes shut before he sees the results.]

iv. patricide

[This is a dream, giving space for the viewer to watch in third person. Dodger himself is watching from third person himself, sitting at the far corner of the room, but may not be noticeable at first. There's something that catches the viewer's attention much more.

The room seems to be an old-fashioned diner, something common in the 50's, which has been cleaned up and closed for the night. by the wall of the room, near the window, one table is occupied by two men and populated by several bottles. The man is recognizable from the second day flash, if one say both; he dresses like a 50's greaser, and has slicked black hair with thick sideburns that flow into rugged scruff. The other is a teenage boy, roughly 16. His hair is ruffled and messy, but stylishly so, and he evidently has done his best to imitate the man with scruffy sideburns and patchy stubble. There's a red kerchief tied around his neck, complimenting the spiked leather jacket he's wearing and the studded knuckles on his leather gloves. Surely this can't be Dodger... the colors are all right, the moody look is right, but he's missing his iconic scars and he looks scrawny as hell.]

When are you gonna stop spending your money on that worthless shit?

[The man looks up then, his eyes blazing with a silent challenge. The young Dodger stares back evenly, his green eyes cold with hatred.]

What do you know about worthless shit, kiddo.

What are you trying to get at?

Anthony said he caught you out with that girl again last night.

Yeah? So what?

So you were on security last night. That wasn't a fuckin' suggestion.

[The man slams his fist into the table, and Dodger flinches before sitting up a bit to make up for the fallen ground.]

I can’t spend all my time out with you, I’ve got a life outside of-

[The man shoves himself to his feet, towering over Dodger as his chair clatters to the floor.] Let me make one thing very, painfully clear to you, Dodger - I made you. You don’t got nothin’ outside o’ my house and my givin’ hands. Ya got that?

[Dodger gets to his feet as well, circling the table to confront him.] You don’t own me, Benny, I can do what I-

[The man doesn't dignify him with an argument. Dodger shrieks at the first punch to his face, and his hands fly up to protect himself only for Benny to grab his wrist, turn him to slam his face into the wall, twist his arm until he cries out again in pain.]

If it weren’t for me, you woulda died eight years ago just like your whore mother. I been keepin’ you safe, keepin’ you fed, givin’ you a good life, and I sure as all hell didn’t have to.

[Dodger wilts in his grip, head tipping to reveal blood leaking from his nose and a bruise on his brow, and body shaking as he’s released and just leans against the wall, panting.]

Now. You wanna reconsider your values, kid? [Dodger shakily nods his head, and Benny releases him with a sneer.] Good. Then I got one more errand for you to run. I want that Janet girl’s head on a platter.

N- wait. No, I'm not gonna-

Sorry. I didn't hear that. [Benny grasps Dodger's hair, rearing his head back and slamming it hard into the wall until the kid staggers in a daze.] What was your answer?

[Dodger's hand snaps up to grab Benny by the jaw, and with inhuman strength he shoves him back toward the table. He gets up shakily, legs trembling, and wipes the blood from his nose before tightening his fists. Benny lunges, but Dodger is smaller and faster and shoves him backward into the table, smashing his head against glass bottles that crack onto the floor. Under the sudden weight, the table snaps in half and leaves them fallen on the floor.

Dazed for only a moment, the older man grabs the neck of a broken bottle and slashes it across the teenager's face - four fresh cuts appear; one across his brow and nose, one across his cheekbone and lips, one along his jaw and chin, and a thin and shallow one dangerously close to his eye, along the front of his cheekbone. Dodger doesn't seem to notice at all, not even hesitating as he throws a punch at the man's face. It lands, but a moment later Benny has grabbed him by the throat and is snickering as the boy chokes.]

That all you got, sonny boy?

[The dream is still going, and the fight continues in front of you, and the older Dodger moves to approach you.]

This is private, and graphic. Pick a reason to make yourself scarce.

[Despite the words... he can't seem to keep his eyes off of the fight. And he looks like he could use some kind words, or at least the company.]

v. common ground - Ivar

[Ivar gets a special treat - a private viewing experience of one of Dodger's memories. This is in third person, and stars a Dodger that looks to be about eight. He has no scars, but he has ruffled and unkempt hair and a dangerously thin body. He stumbles as he walks through the messy and small kitchen, gripping onto a dishtowel tightly as he moves toward the dining table.

A short woman with brilliantly red hair snatches the towel from him, smacking him smartly with it as she speaks with a thick russian accent.]

Always you are clinging to things. If that is dirty, will you still be clinging?

[Dodger wilts, and reaches as if to take it again before his shoulders slump and he moves to sit at the dining room table. Beside him, a darker boy with messy black hair is playing with an empty cup, his blue eyes bright with concentration. After a moment he looks up and nearly speaks to Dodger before the man seen in the other dreams slams the door open, strolling over casually to sit across from them and slump in his chair. A minute of silence passes, before he raises a brow at Dodger.]

What, not even a greeting?

Morning, Mr. McQueen.

Morning, Mr. McQueen. [Benny scoffs, rolling his eyes.] Benny. We're family now, right

[Dodger hesitates, looking away as Benny's eyes sharpen.]

Right?

Uh-hm.

Right. [Benny huffs, turning to speak to the Russian woman still cooking busily.] Just got back from burying the kid's mom... lemme tell ya, that dumb bitch was heavy for all she talked up being sooo hungryyy... Bet she did fine keeping him fed by drinking c-

[Dodger's fist slams into the table, a flash of fire scorching the wood. The room falls silent, and even the cup that the other boy was playing with goes fully still. Benny rises up out of his chair, and towers over the two boys as Dodger shrinks into his seat, his eyes suddenly wide with fear.]

That table cost more than your mom's ever spent on you. Do you wanna apologize, little man?

[The kid Dodger continues to cower, too afraid to talk... and the adult Dodger appears, leaning against the wall behind Ivar while they observe the scene.]

Fuck are you doing in my private thoughts, Speed Racer?

[He's not even angry. He's just tired.]

vi. warning - Shigeru

[Shigeru gets a dream of Dodger at nearly his current age; he is about 19. He's sitting on an eggcrate in what looks like the basement of a bar, surrounded by cigarette smoke and the smell of liquor. Two men are playing pool in a corner, while he chats with three more to the side of that. Dodger is just in the middle of a story when the memory starts.]

-So she gets in the car, glances in the back to look for her purse or some shit, and this girl's fucking panties are still in the back seat. I start thinking, fuck, she's gotta be smart enough to figure that out. She turns to me, bats her dumb little doe eyes, says 'Jamie, what are those?'

Your name's JAMIE? [One of the men laughs, and Dodger laughs along with him after swatting him playfully with a hand.]

Yeah, keep the fuck up. So she says 'Jamie, what are those?' and I say 'ah, my friend had a girl back there. Just let 'em have their fun'. Like I was gonna jack a car and then let someone else get off behind me on the way back, right? But check this, the dumb broad actually believed it.

[The group laughs, and as it settles one of the men playing pool leans against the table to watch them.]

So fess up, JAMIE, how many girls you sleeping with around these parts?

Including your mom? [He takes a swig, shrugging as he leans back.] Listen, if I started listing names we'd be up all night. Hell, I slept with half the people in this room. You all know who you are.

[The room tenses a bit at that. But in an effort to not out themselves, the men still laugh tightly in response. And Dodger lounges in the uncertain attention, cool as a cat.]

Why the long faces, huh? Janet knows I'm working 'overtime' tonight, let's live it up, make it worth it. Jack, go get everyone another round and put it on my tab, yeah?

[The festivities continue while the older Dodger sits, incorporeal and unnoticed on the edge of the pool table. He sees Shigeru there, watching all this.... and he's just too guilty to say anything.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

We eloped when I was sixteen. She was twenty. I lied and told her I was eighteen, then I told her I had a rough family life when I got bruises from working, then I told her I got kicked out after I killed my boss... then I told her I wasn't cheating on her when I was. Everything I told her was a fucking lie right from the beginning.

[He shakes his head.]

I deserve everything I got. The great chain doesn't have room to weak links like me.

Why lie to her about all of those things. She might've been able to help if you had told her the truth. [ And then a pause from him as he thinks. ]

All the things you've told and said to me...were those lies too? I know I'm not...your first candidate when it comes to sex and things like that. But I felt that you were being really honest and truthful when you told me all those things.

Janet was a sweet girl, but she was dumb as a rock. If I'd told her what I was doing, what was happening to me... I'd just make more trouble for her.

[In regards to the second question, though... he's silent for a very long time, before steeling himself and speaking.]

Not everything I've told you is a lie.

[But not everything was the truth, either.]

But that's what people who care about each other do. You...tell them things so that they can help you.

[ His frown deepens a bit at that. ]

The-the feelings you have for me...those aren't a lie, right?

[He's silent for a long time, just watching his younger self. The younger Dodger slinks up the fire escape of an apartment building to slip in through the window, and sprawls out drunkenly on the couch. A young Janet, small and slightly rotund with a gingham circle dress to match her vintage ponytail, peeks out from the kitchen before returning to her work, trying to fix him dinner.]

You smell like smoke again.

It's the factory near work.

And the booze?

I had a little drink after work, so what?

[Current Dodger mouths the words as his younger self says them. This conversation is so well memorized, he has every movement detailed out. His eyes are locked on the scene, almost as if he's in a trance, before he glances back at Shigeru.]

....Who is John Galt?

[ Shigeru will watch both Dodger's silently. His eyes shifting between the two. Something about Dodger's demeanor is worrisome to him, how focused and silent he's become. He might move closer to the other then. ]

Dodger? [ He'll ask softly as he watches the scene. ]

It means... [He continues, as if Shigeru hadn't spoken,] ...Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. If you want a better answer than that, I don't have one.

We need two hundred to fix the refrigerator humming. [Janet is speaking from the kitchen.] And forty-five for the water bill... fifty for the electric.... are you listening?

I'll get the money.

I thought you HAD the money. [Janet peeks her head out again.] Didn't Bill pay you for the overtime?

[The younger Dodger sinks into the couch, giving an awkward and sullen shrug. The current Dodger continues to be glued to the scene, half to avoid looking at Shigeru... and half for the same reason that people watch car wrecks.]

[ Shigeru's frowning still as he watches, his worry evident as he eyes Dodger. He might actually reach out to touch the other's arm. He won't pursue it, for now, because this looks to be a lot for the other man at the moment. ]

It must've been hard for you...trying to do all this on your own. At your age I could barely go outside and interact with people at all.

[Well... he expected a worse reaction than that. And honestly, he doesn't think he could handle a fallout with Shigeru while he watches himself lose the woman he loves.

He leans into the touch, still watching the couple.]

It's always been just me. [He hesitates.] People come and go, but they never last. My mom didn't, Benny didn't, Janet didn't... you won't, either. Sooner or later you'll go through the portal and I'll be left to pick up the pieces, fill whatever gap you left.

[ Shigeru just huffs and shakes his head at him. ]

Do you really not trust me that much? I told you once before that I wasn't going to leave. I have too many people here that I care about now and nothing is going to change that.

[ He'll lean in to give Dodger a brief kiss on the cheek. In this dream world he's free to do what he pleases. He doesn't have to worry about his phobia or how it restricts him like when he's awake. He...kind of misses being able to talk though, he wishes he could convey what he wants to say more easily in the real world. ]

I won't leave, I promise, as long as I have a choice not to then I won't.

That's the thing. Not everyone gets a choice... and everyone lies.

[Cain had broken the same promise, and Abel had followed him. Dodger isn't sure when that wound will heal, but he knows it'll be a while.

The younger Dodger has gotten off of the couch, and the couple are yelling at each other. The current Dodger squeezes his eyes shut and leans more heavily against Shigeru as he listens to them.]

You wanna switch roles? How about you go slave away on a boat until all you can smell is fish, getting scraps for cash, and I can sit around doing fuck all and pretending I cleaned!

All you do when you get home is sit around, at least we'd have some money left!

Oh, fuck off about the money, it's coming!

Jamie, back up! You're scaring me...

[The young Dodger grabs Janet by her ponytail and slams her full-force against the doorframe to the kitchen. Blood streams from the wound and she looks up stunned as he hesitates. His grip loosens, and she ducks away from him.

The current Dodger is left cringing and bristled, trying to block out as much of the dream as he can.]

Dodger...I-

[ But his reply is cut off as the dream continues onward, hardly caring about their own conversation. Oh. Oh no. Shigeru might flinch as he watches before he adverts his eyes. He's certain that Dodger never wanted anyone to be exposed to something like this, and he might lightly grip the other man's arm to just let him know he's there.

It is a bit scary to see Dodger act this way, and even when he had attacked Shigeru he was scared. ]

We don't have to watch anymore.

It'll end soon. But you should watch. You should know what I'm capable of.

[His eyes are shut, but he knows exactly what's coming next. The younger Dodger throws a fireball at Janet, and she just barely ducks behind a dish cabinet to avoid it. It singes her dress. She's struggling to move, blood pouring down her face, but as Dodger moves to grab her again she shoves the cabinet over, crushing him underneath.

And with that, the dream smashes to an end as Dodger falls unconscious. Which leaves Shigeru and the current Dodger to be woken up forcefully by the end of the memory.]

[ Shigeru does watch and he flinches at the attacks Dodger throws out at Janet. The fact that he tried to hurt her was bad enough but then this...

He doesn't understand it at all and before he can really question or ask or wonder why he's jolting awake in his own bed back at his house. He'll give a startled gasp as he looks around his room, fumbling as he reaches for his phone.

His hands shake slightly as he writes a text to the other, but he leaves it for a very long time. Shigeru doesn't know what to say to what he just witnessed. But he can't just ignore it and never talk to the other again. That wouldn't be fair to Dodger, after all he promised the other man and the feelings he has for this Dodger still remain the same. ]

Are you awake? [ Shigeru definitely can't fall back asleep after all of that. He's seen Dodger at his worst and he's worried that this might make turn to that again. ]

Can I come over...?

[It takes Dodger a while to respond. He'd woken up in a cold sweat, and it had taken a long time to convince himself to look at the messages on his phone. Once he does, he hesitates a bit longer before replying.]

do whatever you want.

[The door is unlocked, at least. It's very early morning, but he figures even if someone does break in there's no chance he'll be sleepy enough not to handle it. Shigeru will get to see the splendor that Dodger lives in - an apartment with no heating or hot water, in the dodgiest area of town, that has just enough space for a bed in the living area and a tiny kitchenette that is virtually untouched since Dodger doesn't cook. And Dodger, laying on his bed with the window open to let in the cold air, smoking and staring at the ceiling. And possibly flashing Shigeru since the only thing he's wearing is boxers and he doesn't seem to be planning to get dressed.]

[ And he will do just that. While Dodger's response is not exactly surprisingly Shigeru's descent into his home is. It's...never going to get easy for him to really walk through this part of the city. He keeps very close to himself, avoiding eye contact and other people for the most part. He'll knock lightly on the door to announce his presence before stepping inside.

He's at least been to Dodger's apartment before so he finds it easy enough. But he can't help feel the loneliness of the place as he walks towards Dodger's bed. Ah. He wasn't expecting him to not be wearing anything, but he'll advert his eyes and type something on his phone.

He'll shiver slightly with the cool breeze as he watches the other man. He might let out a small sigh of relief just seeing him there. He was...worried. ]

Dodger? [ It's the only thing to cut through the silence, that strange robotic voice from Shigeru's phone, and of course whatever sounds that come through from the open window. ]

[He raises a hand in a short gesture, the only indication that he heard him. He continues to stare at the ceiling even as he moves the cigarette from his lips, ashes it into the ashtray on his bedside table and returns it for another drag.

Another minutes passes, and he crushes the cigarette into the floor and speaks without moving.]

What do you want.

[ Shigeru lets out an audible huff as he moves closer. He'll type something as he places his hands on his hips to let the robotic voice do the talking for him. ]

Don't be like that, please? I was worried so I came by.

[ His expression turns gentler now. He knows he's being foolish by coming here, but shutting Dodger out won't help anything, and will likely just make things worse. And...unfortunately Shigeru still has feelings for him despite it all. ]

Please don't push me away because of this.

[Dodger is silent for another few long seconds, before his eyes slide over to watch Shigeru.]

Why would I.

[He sits up then, slowly, and fixes Shigeru with an even, neutral stare.]

You saw part of the puzzle. The part that pertains to you. If you want to give me some speech about how I'm fucking worthless and you can't be around me anymore, cheers for figuring that out. Otherwise, life goes on. I can't stop you if you want to be near me.

Because you have a tendency to block people out when you're hurting, and I don't want you to do that with me.

[ Shigeru please. You can't just say things like that! But he does shake his head and types something else. ]

I'd never call you that and you know it. [ He returns the stare with a sad one of his own. ]

What you did back then...judging you because of that. I don't...I don't think it's really fair. [ Dodger has changed, or so Shigeru would like to believe, but even after his encounter at the club that night Shigeru has some...reservations about that. ]

What you did wasn't right and I don't really understand why you'd hurt her like that. [ He might fidget a little in place as he looks back at Dodger. ]

But I do acknowledge that you've been trying really hard to change here. And the way you reacted in the dream...wasn't as if you didn't feel remorse or grief for what you did. [ On the contrary it seemed to have hurt Dodger a whole lot. ]

[His brow twitches, as he tries to hide under the guise of anger... but a moment later that breaks and he just looks miserable. His apartment with Janet hadn't been fancy or even tidy, but it was cozy... his apartment here is a pigsty and it's still miles above his living conditions back home. Being reminded of what he had hurts more than watching himself throw it away.]

She was fucking perfect, Shigeru. [He mutters, now unable to look at him and fixing his gaze on the floor by his feet.] She was the most perfect human being on the planet. And I broke her. I wore her down so much, I knew how much of a strain I was and I just kept doing it. And then I just- lost my temper, I was so fucking pissed at everything our life was turning into, I just couldn't take it anymore...

[He flops back onto the bed, letting out a huff.]

And now my life's even worse, and I don't even have anyone to come home to at the end of the day... just an empty fucking fridge and a phone full of hate mail.

[ He could say a million things that might've helped the situation but of course that's of no use now. He's not sure what to even do besides listen and try to comfort the other. Shigeru will walk closer now, phone clutched to his chest as he moves towards Dodger after he's lied down in the bed again. He looks...sad and concerned as he reaches out to touch Dodger's shoulder, however briefly it might be. ]

You have...me. Do I not count?

[ If only this stupid robotic voice could convey his sadness, but he supposed his expression would do. ]

How about...picking up a hobby? That could help, right? You can meet new people that way, and if it's something fun that just makes it even better. [ He knows it'll be met with some scrutiny but it's worth a shot to offer it. ]

Maybe when I...start that sign language club you could help me with it? [ He looks a bit shyly back at Dodger as he looks at him. ]

[His eyes shut as Shigeru's phone 'speaks', and for once he's annoyed that he can't shut the voice out. He's just giving him the same advice that everyone does, the same advice he's been following for months. It's pointless.]

No, I don't want to join your club. I don't want to meet new people. I don't want a fucking hobby.

[He huffs, just staring at the ceiling and looking uncharacteristically frail.]

I can still think. I hate it. I want it to stop. People like you, like Janet, you don't get it. You get friends and hobbies, and passions, and fears and hopes and all that shit. None of that shit works for me, I'm sick of trying. I'm just this fucking... worthless, empty shell- trying to function without any reason to. Sure, two people would be sad if I died, but what's the impact? City wouldn't even be better off without me, it just wouldn't fucking matter. No one would notice. I'm not doing anything.

You think it was easy making friends with my condition? I...only have friends thanks to Alex and my own perseverance to overcome my phobia. Life isn't that easy, even if I...try to make it seem like it's easy for me. [ He sighs as he looks down at his phone. ]

What do you want then, Dodger? I can...only help you so much, but in the end it's not my life, and it's not my place to tell you want you should do with yours.

[ He might look away, awkwardly at first, and then his expression turns dour. ]

Whatever you do decide...just know that I will-I'll help you through it. [ No amount of talking or ideas will ever help something like this. This has to come from Dodger himself because in the end it's his life after all. ]

Just don't give up on yourself.

Go fuck yourself.

[It's a knee-jerk reaction, but he doesn't feel any urge to take it back. It's an honest feeling, even if only in the moment.]

Can't you tell I'm fucking sick of people telling me to take control of myself? [He sits up then, and reaches for the pack on his bedside table to light a new cigarette, puffing it in short, frustrated breaths.] I don't work like you do and if this is all the help I'm getting out of you I don't need it. Especially not if it comes with you fucking lecturing me about how hard it is for you, the fucking poster child for trustworthiness.

[He takes a deep breath, turning shaky toward the end, and shakes his head.]

Why shouldn't I give up on myself, anyway. Everyone else has.

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