riverviewlogs | [Open] Memories- like that song from Cats

Entry tags:

[Open] Memories- like that song from Cats

who: Ronan and anyone else
what: Ronan's memories/and general catch all
when: October 9th through 23rd
where: Inside your (character's) mind and around Riverview
warnings: Spoilers, assault, and Irish step dancing if you want to avoid all of the previous.
notes: Memories in separate threads, more options from here on request. The dreamscape ones can also be first person if you want them. Can switch to brackets.

It'd been a rough month for Ronan. No. Understatement. It'd been a month from hell for Ronan. There were only so many joyrides he could take in his car before the past caught up to him. Even worse, it usually did so in the ghostly form of his father. When he couldn't outrace him, he wandered the streets, got drunk, and looked for a place to hide for when his nightmares inevitably caught up to him.

Having his memories on display was the one last push he needed to turn into a nervous wreck. Glancing over his shoulder, jumping, and with a feral look on his face, Ronan wasn't even at peace in his charcoal gray BMW.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ronan turned to Adam, who had thoroughly ruined the moment. It didn't matter if he had that stupid smile on his face. That insult was uncalled for.

"What the shit-- I'm not a sap. How is this sappy?" He pulled his hand away and moved in front of Adam. "Don't be a dick when I can't kick you out." Coming so soon after his real anger when confronted with the field of Mitsubishis, it was clear there was no real anger to the words. But irritation? Oh, yeah. That was just a given.

Adam only seemed annoyed when Ronan pulled his hand away, pursing his lips. That was a serious move to pull.

"Being nice to your brother and shooting off a bunch of glowing orbs after we kissed isn't sappy?" Well, it was a little weird when he put it like that, but it made sense for Ronan.

"How is it not sappy to kiss me on your birthday?"

"How is it sappy to kiss you on my birthday? It's not like I planned it." All the planning had taken place in his room about ten minutes before he finally worked up the courage to kiss Adam. Or maybe it was five minutes. It'd felt an eternity at the time.

A glowing orb picked that moment to drift lazily in front of his face.

Adam did believe that Ronan hadn't planned it, because Ronan acted purely off of instinct at all times.

"You still did it, though. You felt like that was the best time to do it. You could have kissed me any other day." Why else would Ronan have chosen that moment to do it? There were plenty of times beforehand where they were alone at the Barns, in close proximity and talking about personal things that Ronan shared with no one else.

"And what would you have done?" Ronan doubted either of them could answer that with any certainty. Adam had been hesitant enough even now-- then.

Mostly the question was a deflection. It couldn't have happened any other day because this was the only day that had felt right. This was the first day in well over a year that he'd actually felt happy.

Adam decided to give Ronan a real answer, so he mulled it over as he watched the lights fly past them. He thought about if Ronan had kissed him when he found Adam scrying into headlights, or when they got a little too close at the Barns. Maybe even at school, at the lockers, when no one was looking.

The thoughts warmed his cheeks, his fantasies of being swept up by Ronan instead of the reality of his confusion.

"Probably the same thing." He sounded a little disappointed in himself. He wished he could be as spontaneous as Ronan, deciding on the spot that he was ready to spend their lives together. That just wasn't him, he needed to plan. "But I'm glad you did it then. I liked the sappiness."

Almost on cue, the word sappiness seemed to make their surroundings fade away.

Probably not quite the same thing. Ronan doubted they'd end up making out a few hours later. But this was how it unfolded. How long it took didn't matter now that they were actually together. This night had made up for any heartache on Ronan's part.

And Adam liked that it was sappy-- or not. Whatever.

"Yeah?"

Ronan looked around as the memory faded. Was this the end or was there something else from his past to dredge up?

Adam no longer seemed concerned about the changing scenery. Hopefully Ronan's next memory would be as pleasant as that one. He opened his mouth to respond, but the trees that made up Ronan's mind started to disappear.

That was never a good sign. He hoped it had nothing to do with the demon. The grass faded too, until they were only standing on dirt.

Then the scene remade itself. It was the same night as Ronan's last memory, but they were inside now, in the living room. Ronan could catch a glimpse of himself jostling Blue as they made their way into the kitchen, leaving Adam and Gansey alone.

The two memories were quiet at first, but if Ronan knew anything about Adam, it was clear he was thinking hard about something.

“You know about Blue’s curse, right?” Memory Adam asked in a low voice, clearly trying to keep the conversation away from the kitchen. The real Adam frowned, unsure why this memory would come up. Gansey responded in the affirmative.

“Do you think it applies to you?” Adam asked. Gansey replied, “I think so.” Memory Adam glanced to the kitchen, where Ronan and Blue were still visible and oblivious.

“What about you?” Adam continued his questioning.

“What about me?”

“The curse says you’re her true love. What about you? Do you love her?” The real Adam wondered if he still said 'love' like that, like it was a foreign language. He glanced to Ronan and shrugged.

Ronan looked down at the dirt for a moment. This was not his dream. And, when their surroundings took shape, he confirmed that it wasn't his memory either.

Ronan watched, eyes wide with curiosity for a few moments, then his brows furrowed. And then he pressed his lips together and just barely kept himself from frowning.

Blue. They kissed and, when Adam got Gansey alone, the first thing out of his mouth was Blue and kissing her.

Maybe how long it took to get together didn't matter but this felt like a slap in the face. When he had no control over his jealousy, he hated Blue. Ronan had to swallow a lot of feelings-- pride, hatred, self-loathing, envy, to name a few-- to get to where he was in this moment, laughing with Blue in the kitchen. As long as he knew it was all behind them, he didn't care. Now it was right in hia face.

He shot one dark look at Adam and said nothing.

Adam didn't know what he'd done to deserve that look, or Ronan's frown. He couldn't see it in the same way as his boyfriend, but maybe that was because he knew exactly where he was going with this conversation.

Maybe Ronan didn't like that he was being secretive with Gansey. He always was overly jealous.

Memory Adam had become serious and intense after Gansey said that he also loved Blue. “What does that mean? How did you know it was different than just being her friend?” To his credit, it did not sound like he was really talking about Blue. This was the way he got when he was talking about theories, abstract concepts, something he couldn't quite grasp.

Gansey answered hesitantly, “I suppose… she makes me quiet. Like Henrietta.” That part sounded like Gansey was continuing a conversation from long before, something he'd told Adam about why he liked Henrietta so much. The Adam in the memory did not seem to believe any part of this.

“And that’s it? It’s that simple?”

“I don’t know, Adam! You’re asking me to define an abstract concept that no one has managed to explain since time began. You sort of sprang it on me,” Gansey said. “Why do we breathe air? Because we love air? Because we don’t want to suffocate. Why do we eat? Because we don’t want to starve. How do I know I love her? Because I can sleep after I talk to her. Why?”

Real Adam snorted at Gansey's explanation. It seemed ridiculous now, not the idea of it, but the way Gansey chose to say it. He always had to make things more complicated. But memory Adam was still as serious as ever.

"Nothing," Adam answered, too quick and off to be true.

For the moment, subtlety was beyond Ronan. Actually, most of what either of them said was. Anger was always the first emotion for Ronan to process and the last one for him to push away. The details of the conversation would not brush it aside so easily, especially when he wasn't focused on it.

"Do you shut up about your girlfriend now?" he hissed.

"Ronan," Adam bit back. Was that his problem? Wasn't it obvious what Adam was talking about? Even Gansey seemed to have realized that Adam was not talking about Blue, and he had no idea what was going on.

"Just wait," he huffed, looking away from Ronan. The scene before them was silent until Gansey tried, “I thought this was a night for truth.”

The dam broke. “Ronan kissed me,” memory Adam said immediately. Gansey didn't reply, so Adam continued, “I also kissed him.”

“Jesus,” Gansey said. “Christ.”

“Are you surprised?” Adam didn't know what he wanted this answer to be.

Gansey was still reeling. “No. Yes. I don’t know. I’ve been given about one thousand surprises today and so I can’t tell any more. Were you surprised?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know.” The real Adam frowned at Ronan, eyebrow raised as if to say I told you so. "Don't be stupid," he told Ronan.

"Oh yeah, what would you have thought?" Which was a stupid question, seeing as it was a position Adam would never be in so long as he was with Ronan. Since meeting Adam, Ronan hadn't been into anyone else. There was no one to be jealous of.

Still, the point was made. Ronan's anger ebbed and his jealousy went from boiling to simmering.

Adam rolled his eyes, but he could see his point. A bit. He had been upset when he saw Ronan with Kavinsky even though the situation was completely different. Adam was as jealous as Ronan, he was just better at keeping it in.

He leaned against Ronan, hoping that would get him to stop being upset.

“Don’t break him, Adam.” Gansey's voice snapped the real Adam out of his thoughts. He tensed, feeling that anxiety of actually hurting Ronan surge up in him again. Ever since he said that, he had been terrified he would prove Gansey right.

The memory of Adam seemed just as tense, staring out the window and twisting his fingers together in thought. “I’m not an idiot, Gansey.”

Gansey didn't seem to get the message. “I’m serious. He’s not as tough as he seems.”

“I’m not an idiot, Gansey.” Memory Adam was now getting angrier. “I think you’re the opposite of an idiot,” Gansey tried to diffuse. “I don’t mean to imply otherwise. I just meant…”

Adam didn't want Gansey to finish his sentence. “I’m not going to mess with his head. Why do you think I’m talking to you? I don’t even know how I…” When Adam trailed off, they went silent again. At some point, Gansey took out a mint leaf. Real Adam was mildly surprised. He had been so caught up in himself that he hadn't noticed Gansey doing so at the time.

“I think,” Gansey started again, “that it’s about being honest with yourself. That’s all you can do.”

Adam released his hands from each other. “I think that’s what I needed to hear.”

Their conversation didn't last much longer, and it their voices mixed with the murmurs of the group in the kitchen as the scene began to fade.

Before Ronan could relax any further, Gansey spoke and his anger swerved away from Adam and toward his best friend.

"'Don't break him?'" he repeated, incredulous. Angry. Hurt. Betrayed. He didn't know.

He knew he'd given Gansey plenty of reasons to want to protect him, but he thought he'd given him even more to believe that he was strong. And if he didn't already know how uncertain Adam was, it'd hurt that he'd implicitly agreed. But Adam had more than earned the right to his hang ups when it came to this.

He looked at the real Adam. "I'm not glass."

"I know that," Adam replied. He was mostly too upset by Gansey's implications to fight against them at the time, but he also agreed in a way. He knew that experimenting with Ronan and dropping him would have hurt him beyond repair. Maybe it wouldn't have broken him, but he didn't want to hurt Ronan at all.

"He was worried about you." It was only fair. Adam was not good at relationships or emotions, but he thought it should have been obvious that he was being careful just from the fact that he was asking Gansey. He didn't want to hurt anyone.

"Were you?" Ronan didn't mean for it to come out as sharp as it did, but restraint was not a thing he could learn overnight or even at all.

He wasn't sure how to process this information. Ronan thought that Adam's uncertainty had been whether or not he wanted to be with Ronan. He knew Adam struggled with the concept of love, but he hadn't realized it'd gone this far. But that didn't surprise him as much as being talked about like he was some delicate flower that bruised from the slightest mistreatment.

Adam took a step back, confused about what Ronan was asking him. Was it wrong for him to have been worried?

"Why are you upset? I didn't..." He sighed. He really didn't think that conversation would make Ronan so angry. "I didn't want to ruin what we had if I was wrong. If we'd gotten together and broken up, I mean, it would have been hard to be friends."

He'd done it with Blue, but Ronan was a different beast. He felt so much more strongly about things, he doubted Ronan would have wanted to be around him at all.

"Why is it bad that I wanted to make sure I was in love with you? Obviously I figured it out."

"No, it's not. It's not that." By this point, Ronan's frustration turned inward. He didn't know how to put his feelings into words. He couldn't explain. "I'm just pissed at Gansey," he said, which was as close as he could come to the truth.

What gave him the right to warn Adam away from Ronan? Don't break him. Jesus.

He looked over at Gansey, but the dream was fading away too quickly.

"So that's it? That's why?" What Ronan really wanted to ask, and had for a while, was why did he kiss him back if he didn't know, but Ronan had a hunch he wouldn't like any answer he received.

Ronan was being vague, and Adam didn't like playing games like this. He glanced around at the dustiness that surrounded them, and wished they could go back to Ronan's lush trees.

"Why I kissed you? Yeah. I was being honest with myself, and... Yeah, I guess I knew for a while that I loved you. I just didn't know if I could trust myself." He stepped a little closer to Ronan, hesitant, hoping he wouldn't be angry anymore.

"Maybe I should have asked you. How you knew."

Ronan started to say that wasn't what he meant, but it would have been a lie. Whether he intended it or not, that was what he meant to ask. Now that he'd heard the answer, h realized he should have done it earlier.

"Maybe. I wouldn't have told you not to date me." Was he still angry? Yes, but Gansey wasn't here to yell at. He had to deal without restorting to a sudden, vicious outburst. Luckily, Adam was there to ~~say sweet things~~ calm him. He reached for Adam. "I probably would've talked about your hands."

Well, he'd mostly known because of Blue, but his fixation really should have given it away earlier.

Adam offered a small grimace. Gansey's advice was not entirely what Adam expected. He really didn't think Gansey thought so horribly of him that he couldn't be trusted with Ronan. But he knew it was only fair, Adam had acted like a monster.

He took Ronan's hand and squeezed it. "How did my hands help you know you were in love with me?" His tone made it obvious he was playing along, lightening the mood after that memory.

Ronan stared at Adam's hands but his mind was still on the memory that had just played out before him. As usual, he and Adam had come to a different conclusion, and as usual, Ronan took all the blame in his.

It didn't matter. Gansey had been talking out of his ass and Adam didn't believe them. Ronan wouldn't be holding Adam's hands if he did.

"I liked looking at them. They almost made school half-way tolerable." Ronan's voice was still tight. He turned Adam's hands over.

Adam allowed Ronan to inspect his palms, the way he did almost a year ago before they were even dating. He should have realized then how much Ronan enjoyed his hands, but he struggled to understand why anyone would like the way his hands looked.

He glanced up in confusion at Ronan's explanation. "What?" His face looked torn between amusement and questioning. "Is that what you were doing in class? Just looking at my hands?"

Adam did often notice when Ronan stared at him, but he was too focused in class to realize where exactly that stare was going. "I didn't know I was keeping you in school."

"You and Gansey's nagging." Ronan ran a finger down Adam's palm. He looked back up at him and smiled. "Don't get too full of yourself. I was also thinking--" Ronan was about to list all the melodramatic ways he thought of killing himself in class, when the dream spared them both.

Adam's apartment replaced his home. At first, Ronan expected this to be another memory of Adam's until he saw himself. And then he saw the mask. Both Ronan's stared at it. It hung at eye level. The dream Ronan took a half step closer while the real one took one back. He gripped Adam's hands. The blood drained from his face.

"This is cheating." Opal spoke in Latin. "Cheating. Dreaming a dream thing."

"It's my dream." The dream Ronan turned to face Opal. "Here. I brought you some chicken." As soon as he finished speaking, a he held out his hands. A box of fried chicken appeared in them and Opal grabbed it.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject