[Open] Memories- like that song from Cats

[somnioergosum]

who: Ronan and anyone else
what: Ronan's memories/and general catch all
when: October 9th through 23rd
where: Inside your (character's) mind and around Riverview
warnings: Spoilers, assault, and Irish step dancing if you want to avoid all of the previous.
notes: Memories in separate threads, more options from here on request. The dreamscape ones can also be first person if you want them. Can switch to brackets.

It'd been a rough month for Ronan. No. Understatement. It'd been a month from hell for Ronan. There were only so many joyrides he could take in his car before the past caught up to him. Even worse, it usually did so in the ghostly form of his father. When he couldn't outrace him, he wandered the streets, got drunk, and looked for a place to hide for when his nightmares inevitably caught up to him.

Having his memories on display was the one last push he needed to turn into a nervous wreck. Glancing over his shoulder, jumping, and with a feral look on his face, Ronan wasn't even at peace in his charcoal gray BMW.

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You Can Also Google Riverdance (Third Person/Dreamscape)

[somnioergosum]

Ronan was around sixteen and in a studio with seven other teens his age give or take two years. The atmosphere was cheerful until the woman who must have been the teacher clapped her hands, calling them all to attention.

“One last dance for the summer and I’ll see you next year.”

Ronan leaned into the girl next to him. “‘Now I expect you all to forget your GPA and devote yourself to becoming the next Michael Flatley,’” he imitated his teacher.

The girl laughed and shifted closer to Ronan than was necessary.

“Now,” the teacher began. She had started the music for them. “I expect you all to keep practicing. You’ve all made good progress and I’d hate to see you lose it. Oh, and Ronan. You will not be the next Michael Flatley.”

Several of the students laughed, including a boy who looked very unhappy that there was a girl cozying up to an oblivious Ronan.

Ronan brushed off the criticism with a smile. “Thank God.”

“Alright class, you remember this.”

And they did. Ronan held his hand out to the girl beside him, who blushed as he helped her stand. He then focused on the steps, never minding any hopeful glances his way. The teacher was right. He would not be the next Lord of the Dance. He was, however, quite good and one of the best dancers there.

The dance ended with him holding the hand of the same girl, who had given up on being discreet and was now staring openly as they moved away.

“Hey, Ronan. There are some nice--” She paused, searched for the rights words and didn’t quite find them. “Places in my city. Maybe you could visit me sometime.”

Ronan planted his foot against the wall and stretched his legs. “You’re like an hour away, aren’t you?”

“Ronan! Feet off the wall,” the teacher snapped.

Ronan rolled his eyes but obeyed.

The girl ignored the interruption. “More like forty five minutes. I wouldn’t mind visiting you. It’ll be a while until we see each other again.”

Ronan straightened and looked curiously at the girl. “There’s another festival in a few months.”

Seeing her chances unraveling, the girl stepped closer. “Would it be so bad to see me more often?” She tried out a coy smile.

“I’m busy with my friend.”

“Singular friend!” The boy who’d been glaring at him yelled.

Ronan stared straight ahead, frowning but the girl stepped in to defend his honor before he could.

“No one asked you!”

“Give him the middle finger,” Ronan suggested. “That shuts him up.”

The girl did. Ronan smirked in approval while she turned away and grabbed her bag. She reached into it, removed a piece of paper, and held it out.

Ronan stared at it. “What’s this?”

“My number.”

At last, understanding struck Ronan. His wide eyes looked almost guilty. “Yeah. Well, I’ll see you in a few months, Kelly.” He hesitated but the sight of Kelly’s pleading eyes convinced him to take the scrap of paper.

Behind Kelly, one of the other girls covered her eyes with her hand.

“...Yeah. See you, Ronan.”

Ronan stepped back and headed for the door.

The other girl went up to Kelly and whispered to her. “Sweetie, he's really not your type.” She gave her what she clearly intended to be a knowing look and one that Kelly clearly did not get.

Ronan paused. He turned his head slightly in recognition of the words, and his lips thinned. He stared down at the number on the piece of paper and while Kelly struggled to understand her friend’s hints, he had his own internal struggle. He crumpled the paper in his hand before moving on.

[ragnarsson]

Ivar shows up in the dream, watching the proceedings with quite a bit of amusement that he doesn't bother to hide. He might feel a bit more awkward about turning up in Ronan's dreams, but this one didn't seem painfully personal, or something that he shouldn't be witnessing.

As the dance ends, he turns to his friend. "Well, that was amusing. And awkward. Tell me, have you always been this much of an absolute nerd?"

The less amusing part comes as he watches the girl flirting with him hard enough to have the air of desperation around her. Alright, that's not so funny. Ivar knows exactly how she feels. It was hard enough having feelings for Ronan knowing they'd never be reciprocated. Ivar's love life had sucked pretty much for the past couple of months.

[somnioergosum]

Alright, so this was embarrassing. There were a lot of reasons Ronan had left dancing behind him and part of it was it no longer fit with his image. But he had to find some humor in all this twisted mess.

"Oh shit, man. This is the tip of the iceberg. I used to sing, too." Ronan continued to be a nerd in several other ways, but they were more easily hidden and did not make him want to cringe. And fuck him, he missed it in spite of all that.

He'd forgotten that Kelly asked him out gave him her number until shortly before it happened. While his expression remained mostly unchanged, he very much wanted to wince. He never did go to that festival. Within a few months his father would be dead.

"That was worse than the dancing," Ronan said in reference to his embarrassment at the whole thing. He still didn't feel good about the situation. She'd been nice to him. He thought she might have gone to his father's funeral… or sent him a card... or a facebook message. Anyway, she deserved better. How was he so bad at recognizing this?

At least Ivar would know he wasn't alone when it came to Ronan ignoring his attention, even if Ronan remained clueless.

[ragnarsson]

"Singing too? Jeez, you remind me of my brother Sigurd." The disparaging way he said that showed it wasn't meant to be a compliment. "If he spent half as much time practicing with his throwing axe as he did trying to serenade women, he might actually be close to my skill level." Ivar had never had any time for the softer arts, despite the fact that most Vikings loved music. If he slacked off with his weapons at all, he would have been walked all over. Without his fighting skills, he was nothing.

Ivar tuts as he watches the dream version of Ronan crumpled up the paper. "You know, there's easier ways to let down nice girls than that." Sure, he sounds all-knowing right now, but Ivar is completely and utterly clueless when it comes to relationships, whether with women or men. He'd barely talked to girls before coming to Riverview, and since then, he'd mostly been stumbling in the dark to see what worked.

[somnioergosum]

Ronan's eyes were hard when he looked at Ivar. He wasn't stupid enough to think this wasn't something people would ridicule-- they had many times over already-- but even now he found it upsetting. Only know the way the emotion took shape was as a cold anger.

His father taught him music.

"You've been a real dick lately," was all he said.

Ronan looked not at himself but at Kelly to make sure she hadn't noticed how Ronan had disposed of her number. Fortunately, she was too busy being consoled.

"How should I know? I don't have people flinging themselves at me." Ronan should have noticed that, metaphorically, quite a few people had done just that. Just as he probably should have noticed that this was not a good thing to say around Ivar. "Enlighten me. What should I have done?"

[ragnarsson]

"What do you mean, lately?" Seriously, if Ronan hadn't noticed how much of an asshole Ivar could be by now, he hadn't been trying hard enough. Then, Ivar being Ivar, he of course added on, "Besides, it's not like you're a ball of sunshine and light yourself."

Ivar looked at Ronan in disbelief, shaking his head slowly. His eyes were like two pieces of flint. Why did he have to fall for the only person in the entire Quarantine less emotionally aware of his own mind than he was? Ouch. "You really are clueless, aren't you?" Ronan had no idea how much he hurt people simply by being oblivious.

Without elaborating as to what he meant, Ivar answered the question. "I don't know, try letting down people nicely instead of stringing them along with false hope." Was he still talking about the girl in the memory? No, not really, but he was counting on Ronan's lack of awareness about those around him to come in handy.

[somnioergosum]

"Yeah, I know. We're giant assholes," Ronan said dryly. He had accepted this of himself long ago. He could take no offense when he'd already embraced it as fact.

At Ivar's next words, he looked incredulously at the two girls. They were still huddled together and talking even as they went to take their bags.

"False hope? What false hope?" He waved his hand in their direction. "I never said I'd call her. Her friend just told her I'm gay. I didn't string her along!" Even as he said the words, he felt doubt creeping in. He hadn't exactly noticed Kavinsky's obsession with him either, not until it blew up in his face. What else had he missed?

A lot more than he knew.

[ragnarsson]

This was the reason the two of them got along so well. They were essentially terrible human beings who had somehow ended up friends.

He folded his arms. "I didn't notice you being the one to tell her you weren't into women. And taking the number did just that: give her hope."

Then Ivar just sighed. Good thing Ronan was good-looking or Ivar would have grown sick of beating his head against a brick wall. "Ronan, you have all the self-awareness of my horse Garth. I doubt you'd figure out someone liked you as more than just a friend unless they literally ran you over." Now there was an idea that Ivar had seriously considered. No one ever said he had a healthy way of handling crushes.

[somnioergosum]

The worst part of it was Ivar was right. He hadn't told Kelly. In the moment, he'd frozen and later, staring at the number, he tried to will the desire for her into him. If he were normal, they could have gone on a date. Ronan didn't care now, but back then he wanted it. His life had been full of conflict. His classmate stepped into it without knowing and Ronan had been too self-absorbed to recognize her feelings .

Even if he could think of a way to put that into words, he'd never tell Ivar. How could he understand? It was easier to lash out and focus on what he could deny.

"Hey, I made a move on Adam first," he snapped. "I'm not an idiot." The anger built up inside of him. Were he not in a dream, his cheeks might already be turning red by now or maybe they were about to anyway. "What did you want me to do? Rip it up in front of her?"

[ragnarsson]

The Irish lad should have realized exactly what Ivar was going to say next, complete with a look that said he clearly thought he was the smartest one in the room right now. "You know, I would highly debate that statement." Considering he was still completely clueless as to Ivar's feelings, he clearly had quite a few things that were flying straight over his head.

Good thing the gods had made Ronan pretty. They clearly hadn't thought about giving him a brain to balance things out.

"Try the truth. Or if that required too much bravery, letting her down gently. Assuming you even know how to do that." It hadn't escaped Ivar's notice that Ronan had all the subtly of a bull tearing through a china shop.

[somnioergosum]

"If I'd known what the truth was then I would've fucking told her already." Now thoroughly on the defensive, the bite to his voice grew more pronounced. His lips curled back more when he spoke.

"I didn't call her a loser or rub the fact that I was dating someone in her face." Not that he had dated anyone at that point. From this point in time, it'd be a full year before he kissed someone. But he had plenty of experience to draw upon and Ivar was right. He did not have the self-awareness not to project.

While he talked, the memory moved on slowly. Ronan took his time leaving the building. The dance studio was crammed between several other stores. A tattoo parlor wasn't far away, which had amused him at the time and given him an idea later on. In the memory, Ronan walked to his brother's car-- back when they'd been on good enough terms for Ronan to borrow it. He looked subdued, if not miserable. The angry, tattooed Ronan seemed to have absorbed all the energy from his past self.

Then They’ll Believe in My Ghost Pal and Me (Third Person/Dreamscape)

[somnioergosum]

Ronan looked out of his bedroom window. Broken electronics, lamps, and various items lay scattered across the pavement below.

“Next one. Next one,” Ronan urged.

His friend Noah, a boy his age with a perpetual smudge on his cheek, pushed him aside. He hurled a set of speakers out of the window. Before impact, they had been in working order.

Ronan threw up his hands. “Not that one, Noah.”

“Sorry.” Noah smiled, clearly not apologetic enough as Ronan glared at him. “Buy a new one.”

“You’re paying for that.” Ronan pointed at the correct set of speakers, just as expensive but previously smashed in.

“How?” Dutifully, Noah grabbed the object and handed it to him.

“Go back in time and rewrite your will, duh.” Ronan seized the speaker and threw it.

The pieces of metal and plastic shattered spectacularly while bits of wires flew. Ronan and Noah cackled.

Ronan looked sidelong at Noah. His eyes lit up and his grin widened. “What d’you think would happen if you fell?” he asked.

Noah held up his hands. “I am not paying with my life.”

“You’re already dead, Noah! What’re you gonna do? Splatter ectoplasm on the ground?” He reached for his friend.

“No way, man!” Noah shouted, but he was grinning. He waved his hands frantically as he stepped back, but Ronan wrapped his arms around his torso regardless. “No way--” Noah continued to protest.

Laughing, Ronan tossed him out the window. There was no ectoplasm. In fact, there was no Noah. Time skipped from the moment he was about to hit the ground to when he was gone. Ronan watched for a while longer, then rushed to the door and opened it. Gansey was on the phone. Ronan looked past him.

“Is Noah out here?”

“Hold on,” Gansey said into the phone before turning to Ronan “Why would he be?”

“No reason. Just no reason.” Ronan slammed his door shut. He’d just reached the window again when he heard Noah.

“He threw me out the window!”

Ronan called over his shoulder. “You’re already dead!” He grinned and slammed the window shut again.

Wills Bring Out the Worst in Family (Third Person/Dreamscape) Warning: Assault

[somnioergosum]

There were three brothers in the dorm room. The two eldest, Ronan and Declan, could easily have been mistaken for the other. The same would have been true of Matthew, who had seated himself on one of the beds, except his curls were blond instead of a dark brown. His blue eyes were more innocent than his brothers’ but just as sad. He watched as Ronan turned to him.

Ronan had no tattoo. His hair was nearly to his chin. And he was desperate. “Matthew, don’t you want to go home?”

Declan spoke first. “Leave him out of this.”

“No, he’s in this. This is our home. Matthew, what don’t you want to see Mom again?”

Matthew stared at Ronan, then looked to Declan. His lip quivered and when he hung his head, his blond curls fell into his face. “I want Dad back.”

The impact on both Declan and Ronan was immediate. Declan’s eyes widening before his face hardened as he looked at Ronan, who couldn’t hide the guilt at unintentionally hurting Matthew.

“I told you,” Declan had only been forceful before. Now there was a simmering anger beneath his words, the tone so close to Ronan’s. “Leave him out of it. This is what Dad wanted.”

Ronan switched back to angry in a second. He whirled to face Declan and slammed his fist onto the desk. A pen rolled off. “This is not what Dad wanted!”

Declan glared at him. “Get your hand off my desk, Ronan.”

Ronan slammed the desk again. “Is that in the will, Declan? Are you going to enforce that, too?”

Declan regarded him coolly, the anger now gone from his voice. “You’re acting like a child.”

“And you’re a coward!” Ronan took one step away and kicked the desk. The leg of the chair didn’t break, but the force toppled it over. Pens and papers and a few expensive electronics clattered onto the floor.

Matthew gasped.

Declan’s gaze lingered on the desk, now leaning pitifully against his bed. He slowly turned back to Ronan. “Get out of my room.”

Ronan stepped closer to his brother. “Aren’t you listening? This isn’t your room! This isn’t The Barns! This is our God damn purgatory.”

“I live here now. If you want to go live in Monmouth with your only friend, that’s up to you, but it doesn’t matter, Ronan. You are never seeing The Barns again.”

Ronan’s lips twisted into a smile, his cold eyes gleamed. He reached into his pocket and withdrew a set of keys. “Yeah? Is that so?”

Matthew’s eyes widened. “Are those dad’s keys?”

For the first time in the conversation, Declan was shocked. “You stole his car. What is wrong with you? We could have lost everything!”

“We already have.” Ronan threw the keys at Declan’s face. “I told Mom you said hi.”

Declan caught the keys. Turning them over in his fingers, he took a moment to compose himself. “Tell Gansey you’re staying at Aglionby.”

“I’m going home.” Ronan snatched the keys out of Declan's hand and moved for the door.

Declan stepped forward and grabbed his arm, then in spite of Ronan’s struggle, he gripped both of his shoulders. “How many times do I have to tell you? Our home is gone. It’s nothing without Dad and so is Mom!”

“Declan! Let him go!” Matthew pleaded.

Declan glanced at his brother. Ronan kicked his knee. Declan staggered back. Ronan clenched his hand into a fist and the moment Declan looked back at him, he swung.

When You Need an Exorcism (First Person) Major spoilers

[somnioergosum]

Ronan stared at the road in front of them. The river of blood blocked their path. Blue petals floated and spun and sank. The feeling inside him could not be placed. A sense of foreboding and calm, feeling what fate lay ahead without knowing what it would be.

“Do you ever feel like things are coming full circle? Do you…” Something pulled Ronan out of awareness and back. His body jerked as it bounced back from sleep. Now all Ronan felt was dread.

This time it didn’t pull. It dragged him into its realm. His dreams were incoherent, flashes of color amidst a sea of black. The demon latched onto his mind like a hook and pulled.

Ronan pushed it away. His head jerked as he returned to the car. He’d only been gone for a second. The reprieve lasted only a second as well. It sank back inside him again and pulled.

There were no shapes in this place. The trees were gone. The demon had already shown him what it had done to his dreams. No longer interested in taunting, it showed him nothingness.

Something split inside Ronan. He would have doubled over but he had no body. No hands to stretch out. Then, suddenly he did. He flung his hand out and thrust color into the world.

Ronan jerked awake. A black film coated his eyes. He blinked it away.

“Jesus, Ronan?” Gansey had turned toward him.

It pulled again. The demon had unmade most of the flash of color, but some remained. He reached for it as the demon tightened his hold around him. Nothing enveloped that color and then it swallowed his fingers. The unmaker began its work.

Ronan jerked back, gasping. He lay back against the car seat, his body twitching. One foot pressed hard on the gas but the car was motionless and silent. Gansey leaned over him.

“...Pick it off him?” Now Blue was scared too.

Something ran down Ronan’s cheek, following the path of tears, and the same thing oozed out of his ear. He reached to brush it away and a drop of black fell onto his hand.

Blue was definitely not alone in her fear.

Ronan flung out his hand and pushed Gansey away. “Don’t. Don’t touch it-- don’t--”

The demon pulled.

Ronan’s hand had burned away. The sight of his body being devoured and enveloped struck something inside Ronan. He was afraid but now he was angry. He stretched out his fingers and they were there. He tore a hole into the nothingness, filling it with color and reforming it. Any time he brought himself back to the waking world, he took that color with him, remade into something new each time, forgetting it as soon as he’d manifested it, moving frantically to the next. He grasped at love one moment and joy the next and reformed them. The color-- life-- turned to birds and flowers and latin scrawled on paper. Later, when all that remained were concepts, he shaped it into music and light.

The demon was stronger. While Ronan created, it unmade. Ronan stayed under longer, stitching together what the demon destroyed. All the while his soul was pulled and torn and ripped. He was cracking and splitting and dissolving.

Then it ended.

Ronan opened his eyes and saw rain.

For Adam (drug use and mild sexual assault)

[somnioergosum]

There were a lot of moments in Ronan's life he wasn't proud of. This one moment happened to last days. He still wasn't clear on how much time it had been. It all blurred together. That wasn't true in his mind. The field of a hundred white mitsubishis were clearer than they'd been at the time. Ronan had been rather drunk and hungover all at once.

Now that he stood watching himself, he saw that he'd looked like hell then. Now? Was he dazed from the alcohol or from coming to terms with Kavinsky's power and skill.

"Okay, Princess," Kavinsky handed past Ronan a six pack. "Show me what you can do."

Present Ronan's mouth twitched.

What Ronan could do was a pen, writing in flowing cursive. Kavinsky was displeased and tapped it against a paralyed Ronan's teeth. A minute later, when Ronan could move, he swatted it away.

Ronan didn't turn to see who else was watching this. He needed a few more minutes to hope that he was the only one.

[antietam]

Adam didn't know entirely what to expect. He recognized the car and its copies, the heat of Henrietta summer, and was instantly reminded how much he hated home. Why did he want to return again?

He was snapped out of that once he caught sight of Ronan and Kavinsky. His mouth curled in distaste for Kavinsky as always, but now it was tinged with wariness of how close he was to Ronan, that he was watching Ronan dream, that Ronan would bother with a guy like this.

He didn't like this. He caught the non-memory Ronan out of the corner of his eye and moved toward him, placing a hand on him to make sure this was real.

"Can you wake up? Wake me up?"

[somnioergosum]

Fuck. Of course it was Adam. This month was quickly becoming one of the worst months of his life.

"I wish." Ronan avoided looking at himself. "Just ignore it."

Ronan couldn't take his own advice. By now, Kavinsky had already come in and out of his dream, producing a cap for Ronan's fanciful pen. He taunted him and Ronan almost came to his senses.

"Is this going to be a thing? Like, is this going to be what’s funny to you? Because I don’t want this that bad. I can figure it out myself."

"Sure you can. Give him that pen. Write him a little note with it. In fucking George Washington letters, ‘Dear Dick, drive this, ex-oh-ex-oh. Ronan Lynch.’"

"Leave Gansey out of this."

Hindsight and sobriety gave him new insight into that interaction. Well played, Kavinsky.

"I'm going to think of another memory." He was grasping at straws but he knew what was coming up soon.

Adam already knew what happened. Ronan didn't believe he'd hate him after seeing this, but Ronan was disgusted enough with himself. He'd rather not see Adam feel that way about him as well.

He thought of The Barns and the night he kissed Adam.

Kavinsky was telling him how to steal from Cabeswater though Ronan hadn't realized it at the time.

He thought of Adam sitting next to Adam, fiddling with his toy car while working up the courage to lean in.

"Like a motherfucking thief."

Either he couldn't concentrate or switching memories was just not an option. "Crap," he muttered. "Well, you get to see Opal in about a minute." Ronan sounded about as miserable as he was resigned.

[antietam]

Adam didn't know how Ronan expected him to ignore this. When Kavinsky moved again, Adam looked over at him, hands clenching into fists when he mentioned Gansey. At first, he just hadn't cared that Kavinsky died. Now he was glad.

He shouldn't be haunting Ronan like this.

Adam glanced back at Ronan, hoping switching memories would work, but they stayed in this awful moment.

"Opal..." Adam considered, hoping the memory would at least be good to her. He wanted to ask Ronan why he'd done this, but he was sure he'd gotten that question from Gansey more than enough.

"What's important about this memory?"

[somnioergosum]

"Other than it being super shitty?" Ronan sneered but it was all directed at himself.

Other Ronan had taken the pill with Kavinsky.

Ronan spread out his arms to gesture to the field of dreams. "This is how I learned it all, fucked over Cabeswater, and got my brother kidnapped. Yeah, it's not important at--"

The world lurched. Ronan stopped. He hadn't considered what it would be like for them to experience being thrown into the dream.

Memory Ronan was clearly having a rough time. The throwing had been taken rather literally in his mind. He was sluggish, tired, and looked like he was on the verge of death.

There was Opal, who'd just been Orphan Girl back then, tugging and pulling on him. At this point, she seemed more concerned for his welfare.

Kavinsky's voice said quite clearly "Dying's a boring side effect."

"Oh yeah, aren't you a fucking gem."

Memory Ronan looked like he was about to keel over. Had the adjustment been that hard?

"GET OUT!" Opal screamed.

And he did. The world lurched again. They were back in the field.

"Welcome to the land of the living, sailor. Remember, you take the pill or it takes you." Kavinsky thumped an again paralyzed Ronan on the chest.

After all that, all Ronan had managed to take was a miniature glass version of the camaro in a cage. Kavinsky had a gun. Kavinsky continued to be himself, as he talked about drugging his mother, hinting that he killed his father, and teasing Ronan the whole time. All Ronan was interested in was finding out what the hell these dreams were about.

Ronan tried not to watch but he kept glancing back. He ran his hand over his head. "This is fucked up."

[antietam]

Adam frowned over at Ronan, apparently all that managing to distract him. "You didn't cause―" He would have told Ronan that he didn't make Kavinsky kidnap Matthew, which should have been obvious, but then they were in Ronan's head and Opal was there. Adam looked over in concern at Opal, who was worried about Ronan and looked as afraid as always.

This was a lot and Adam wasn't even really experiencing it. He hated that Ronan had to go through this again, and upset that he'd let this all happen at the same time. He was protective of his boyfriend, but also of Cabeswater and Opal.

Luckily, he had a person he could direct that anger to instead. Kavinsky was annoying, and the more Adam heard him talk, the more disgusted he was.

He managed to avoid telling Ronan you should have left, you should have stopped even though that was all that was coming to mind. "When does it end?"

[somnioergosum]

"A day or two." Maybe more. Plenty of time to change his mind. Adam didn't have to say it. Ronan could feel the disapproval radiating from him. Or it could have been that he knew him too well.

"There's no way we'll be here that long." Ronan's face was tight. He didn't frown but his mouth clearly wanted to form one and had been overruled.

The jolt happened again. They were back in his dreams. He was stealing from Cabeswater again. Opal had not joined them.

In the memory, Ronan grabbed the bomb.

Te vidimus, Greywaren.

He knew what happened after. Bringing it back, Kavinsky grabbing the Molotov cocktail and throwing it just in time to save them from a fiery death.

"Step back." Ronan started to grab Adam and stopped.

[antietam]

Adam scrutinized the scene. He'd seen Ronan dream before, but this seemed different. It was so removed, even on memory Ronan's part.

He glanced back at Ronan's warning and only stepped closer to him, hand finding his wrist. His disapproval was quickly shifting into concern as he recalled what he'd been doing at this time. Going crazy, fighting with Gansey, fighting with everyone. Adam hadn't been any better.

"You've already made it through this once." He didn't know if the memory was upsetting Ronan, but it probably wasn't helping anything.

[somnioergosum]

Ronan had, but this was the first time Adam had seen all of this. Even at the time, he remembered feeling sick at the thought of Gansey seeing him like this. He'd rather do this on his own.

Adam wouldn't care, he reminded himself. They'd done some questionable things themselves, both together and separately. He allowed himself to relax a little once Adam touched him.

"Yeah, but I didn't need an extended flashback."

As he spoke they jumped back into the field. Kavinsky cackled as he rolled down the window.

Ronan moved in front of Adam. This was a memory, but it felt real to Ronan.

He watched as the molotov cocktail exploded scarcely two yards away from the car. The deafening explosion and heat still reminded him of crashing Kavinsky's party. Kavinsky had offered him a molotov cocktail then and when Ronan had thrown it, he felt like he could breathe. What he saw now was his own self-destruction set loose on the world. It'd nearly taken out both him and Kavinsky. Ronan had cared only a little more about that fact than Kavinsky, who in the memory shook off the glass from his arm.

He wondered if part of him would always be in this moment, several seconds away from a disaster of his own making, both fearing and longing for it.

Ronan looked over his shoulder at Adam. At the same time, the other him said "Hey, don't touch my stuff."

[antietam]

Adam frowned when Ronan moved in front of him, as if trying to protect him from the explosion. If it were real, it would be a stupid move on Ronan's part. Adam would yell at him for it.

Luckily, it couldn't hurt either of them so he didn't bother. He instead stepped closer to Ronan, one arm going around his waist possessively.

Ronan could probably feel the way he ruffled when Kavinsky held up his fake Aglionby diploma. That was everything Adam hated, what Ronan could have been but was too good to even think of.

"I'm glad he's dead." He wouldn't have said it to Gansey because he only would have gotten a pitying, disapproving look. But he felt Ronan would understand and agree, somewhere deep down.

[somnioergosum]

Ronan leaned closer to Adam. The support was more than he deserved but he took it. He wished he could take the anger away from Adam as well. He understood how he felt. Ronan had plenty of reasons to. But when he looked at Kavinsky, he saw both the monster and the person who would be dead within a few days. He'd let his dreams consume him.

Ronan was not like Gansey. Gansey would have felt horrible for even thinking he might be glad Kavinsky was dead. Ronan felt horrible that he couldn't agree.

Then Kavinsky made it easier to hate him by offering Ronan his coke. At least Ronan had turned that down so he hadn't abandoned all reason.

"He deserved it." He wasn't glad but the world was better off without Kavinsky.