riverviewlogs | [open] try to rememeber

Entry tags:

[open] try to rememeber

who: Tony Stark and Open
what: Memory Share
when: Oct 9 - 23
where: In dreams
warnings: Non-consensual medical procedures, captivity, torture, death, violence, borderline emotional abuse

notes: Any of these can be dreamscape or first-person visions, whichever you like. If you want something specific not already here, just pm or hit me up at

talkincodes.

1. from the ashes of captivity (open)

[At first, it's just disjointed flashes. It's dark and cold and there are unfamiliar men bent over him, hands on his chest and so much blood. It's a haze of pain and a weight over his heart that gets heavier and heavier. He has no idea how much time has past when he finally surfaces enough to be actually conscious, when he gets to meet a quiet man with tired eyes and gallows humor. But the pressure on his chest is still there, weighing him down.

What is this?

That is an electromagnet, hooked up to a car battery. And it's keeping the shrapnel from entering your heart.

Yinsen is kinder than he probably should be and more matter-of-fact than Tony can handle, but none of it matters when the men with guns appear.

He wants you to build a missile.

I refuse.

And then it's nothing but gasping for air as he's forced under water again and again, going limp as he's dragged through cave tunnels. It's blinking into the too-bright sunlight to see his life's work piled artlessly in the hands of terrorists. It's giving up, agreeing to do whatever they want and knowing they'll kill him anyway.

Look, what you just saw, that is your legacy, Stark. Your life's work, in the hands of those murderers. Is that how you want to go out? Is this the last act of defiance of the great Tony Stark? Or are you going to do something about it?

Why should I do anything? They're going to kill me, you, either way. And if they don't, I'll probably be dead in a week.

Well, then, this is a very important week for you, isn't it?

It's enough. Enough for Tony to stop feeling sorry for himself, to think, to build. It's enough for Iron Man to be born.]

2. i wasn't tricked, i was shown (open)

[Something is wrong, he knows something is wrong because it was a creepy basement before but it wasn't this dark. Something moves, that goddamn dead space whale moves, flying off into space that wasn't there before.

But none of it matters because there's a pile of bodies at his feet. They're all there, they're all dead or dying, the Hulk is barely twitching, Romanoff and Barton are gone. The shield is broken. Cap is broken too, but somehow he has enough strength to look Tony in the eyes and say five words that change everything.

You could have saved us.

Tony tears his eyes away, can't look, but now all he can see is that portal and it makes his chest go tight like he hasn't gotten over these panic attacks months ago. But it's there and it's ripped open and they're pouring out of it just like he knew they would and he can't stop it. He has to stop it.

Why didn't you do more.]

3. nothing's been the same since new york (laura)

[Tony's been doing the hero gig for a while now, but this is a clusterfuck the likes of which he's never seen. The air streets, the buildings, even the air is thick with aliens doing their best to tear down everything. And here a six people trying to stem the tide.

He sees them, every so often. The Hulk smashing through skyscrapers and alien bodies alike with something that might almost be glee. Barton barely seeming to pay attention to his targets, but his arrows never miss. The Widow on the ground, darting through crowds of enemies and leaving corpses in her wake. The Captain battering through everything in his path and still finding the energy to give commands. The shock and power of Thor, sometimes overhead, sometimes below, tearing through everything with strength and lightning. And Tony himself, darting through the air and blasting anything that moves with everything he has.

It's not stopping them from coming, there doesn't seem to be an end to the shapes pouring out of the wormhole. They keep fighting anyway. Someone has to.]

4. anybody remember when i carried a nuke through a wormhole? (cisco)

[The ground below is a mess and getting worse, but he can't concentrate on that now. The moment Fury tells him about the nuke incoming, Tony knows exactly how this is going to go. He's a genius. He can do the math. He has just enough time to keep Widow from closing the portal too soon and just enough power in the suit to get there. He's not coming back from this.

Sir, shall I call Ms Potts?

Might as well.

Even with his calculations and JARVIS', he just barely manages to turn hard enough to heads straight up. His eyes are fixed ahead and all he can see is that glowing hole in the sky. And then beyond.

It's dark, endless, and there are hundreds more of them, thousands more and in an instant Tony knows it will never stop. They'll keep coming, maybe not these but others, and the earth won't be ready. He can't do anything about that now. All he can do is let go.

The last thing he sees as his eyes slide shut is the nuke impacting the biggest ship. He can only hope it's enough.]

5. never told me he loved me, didn't even tell me he liked me (sam)

[It's one of Tony's rare breaks home from school, and he's not sure how he feels about it. He's young, maybe five or six, but he's already learned to be bored of his school work and wary of being at home.

And this is why. Howard Stark, storming in to grab the toy car out of his hands, already furious.

Is this how you spend your weekend at home?

D-dad, I--

Waste of time! I don't need to deal with this nonsense!

Tony doesn't pause. The toy is already gone and he knows he's not getting it back. Instead he runs, not sure where he's going except that he needs to be out.

He doesn't get much farther than the patio. Where else is he going to go? Crying feels shameful, like he's the baby his father is always accusing him of being, but he can't help it. In this moment, all he wants is to be back at school. Anywhere but here.

It takes a voice responding for him to realize he's been saying it out loud.

Master Tony. Do not take his outburst to heart.

The proper British voice is warm and comforting and any other time, it might help.

Leave me alone, Jarvis.

He doesn't. Of course he doesn't. Jarvis is always there to try and make him feel better. The words may be meaningless, but Tony can appreciate the thought behind them. Maybe not right then, but eventually.

Time heals all wounds.]

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Oh, yeah, there's no doubt about that. When you're a kid, something like this seems like the end of the world. Later on, it's just what I'm assuming is one in a string of similar events. It gets easier to deal with because you develop whatever coping mechanisms you can.

Doesn't mean it isn't still grinding you down, bit by bit. Doesn't mean that the scars ever heal, that even with perspective, you don't have a warped view of yourself shaped by the events that-

Goddamnit, I'm sounding like a shrink, aren't I? [Sam shakes his head.] I don't mean to sound like I'm psychoanalyzing you or anything, just- I see something like this, and it hurts, you know? And talking is all I can do, so...if you want me to shut up, just say so.

[It earns Sam another look, this one slightly searching. It's not just the shrink talk, which would admittedly annoy him a lot more coming from anyone else. But...it hurts? He has no idea how to feel about that one.

But Tony's hasn't been downplaying this sort of thing for most of his life for nothing.]

It's not really that big of a deal. Howard was just...[He trails off. Even Tony isn't sure how he's planning to end that statement.] He wasn't a huge fan of me acting childish.

[Never mind the actual child sitting there with his knees pulled up to his chest.]

[Look, Sam is an empathetic kind of guy. And, honestly, who could watch a child - any child, let alone one of their friends - being treated like this and not feel bad about it? If they were closer, if Tony wasn't quite so Tony, Sam would hug him.]

Uh-huh, yeah, that's exactly how adults should talk to kids acting like kids. [His lips purse. He's not going to use the word abuse out of respect for Tony, but he's sure as hell thinking it.] Just because you were a baby genius or something doesn't mean you shouldn't have been allowed to have a normal life.

[Tony shrugs, though the only outward sign of how uncomfortable he is come from the slight flexing of his fingers in Sam's grip.]

Some people just aren't meant to be parents, I guess.

[It's how he's managed to reconcile the man he's heard about with the father he knew. His feelings on Howard are...complicated, these days. It would probably be easier if he could just dismiss him, but nothing about Stark relationships are ever that simple.]

Anyway, I managed fine.

You know, Tony, there are a lot of words to describe you, but I'm not sure 'fine' is one I'd use-

[A beat, and then:]

Not that definition of fine, anyway.

[Might as well intersperse the bleak talk with some flirting, because that's just how Sam rolls.]

[That does at least pull Tony out of his own head enough to shoot Sam a dry look. Not that he doesn't appreciate the attempt at lightening things a little.]

Excuse you. I am a perfectly capable adult. I've saved the world and everything.

[His many and varied daddy issues have never stopped him from being useful, at least.]

Oh, yeah, in that case, all the Avengers are perfectly capable adults.

[And not emotional idiots who are thirty seconds away from having a total breakdown at any given moment. Except, oh wait, they are.]

I think you might need a different metric for that one.

Hey, if we're going to be messes, we're at least functional ones.

[He's not exactly going to argue the point.]

Anyway, it's all in the past. Literally. Not like there's anything to be done about it now.

Well, you could build a time machine, but I'm pretty sure fucking with the space-time continuum to go back and punch your dad in the face is the sort of thing that's sternly frowned upon by like...time cops or something.

[On one hand, he's mostly joking. On the other, if anyone could build a time machine, it's probably Tony.]

There's also working through your issues and developing healthy coping mechanisms, but I feel like building a time machine would probably be easier for most people.

Don't tempt me.

[He says it dryly, but he can't help turning a little to study the tall, still distinguished figure of Jarvis standing in he doorway. There are things he'd much rather do with time travel. It's probably a good thing that the concept is still very far away from him.

And maybe it's that distraction that has him answering in a way he probably doesn't really mean to.]

Look, I'm not having panic attacks at the moment, that's probably about as healthy as I get.

Suppose I can't hold you to a higher standard than I hold myself.

[It's admitted a little wryly, with a shrug. Sam can be candid about his issues, but it's nearly always in the context of his group counseling sessions. Talking about it with friends, with people who only see him as smooth and confident and put together, is another thing. There's a certain stigma associated with mental illness, after all, and it's hard to overcome, even for someone like Sam.]

But I see something like this, and, yeah, I know I can't change it, but it so obviously goes back to the core of who you are and how you see yourself. And it's just...the sorta thing I want to make better. 'Cause that's what friends do. Or that's what I do, anyway.

[One side of Tony's mouth tips up into something that's not quite a smile, but his grip on Sam's hand tightens a little. Not like it's any surprise all of the Avengers have their issues. It's practically a prerequisite. They just tend not to talk about it much.]

Don't really think you can. Sorry. [It sounds like he means it, too. He gets that, wanting to fix the unfixable. And his mouth manages to even out into a more genuine smile.]

But I won't turn down the occasional commiseration. Within limits.

Edited 2017-10-19 02:09 (UTC)

[As issues go, Sam knows well that he got the short end of the stick compared to everyone else. It's just not usually driven home like this, with a crying child and the man he grew into insisting that he's fine.

He's not fine. But Sam won't push it. There's no way to change who Tony is entirely, but there are small things, positive things he can do that might make a difference.

(Sam's really starting to wonder how he ends up with all the basket cases.)]

'Within limits'. You're the one who's still living in a damn dorm, Tony.

Hey, the workroom has a sofa now.

[It's probably not the correct answer, but Tony just shrugs, unconcerned.]

I haven't gotten around to finding someplace else yet. Had other stuff to work on.

Okay, but do you really want your robots watching you have sex?

[Sam, do you actually think that's never happened before?]

Whatever. I'll bring food by to make sure you're eating on a regular schedule. Can't escape me, Stark.

If I wanted to escape you, I'd just fly faster.

[The words are mild, but he squeezes Sam's hand again. Some things he still doesn't quite know how to say.]

[That just earns a mock-disgruntled huff from Sam, but he lightly caresses the back of Tony's hand with his thumb.]

You know, it's not all about speed. You might be faster, but I've got grace and flexibility.

You've got wings grafted on to your shoulderblades. I'm pretty sure that's cheating.

[He finally turns away from the scene in front of them to look at Sam properly. They've at least reached the point of just aimless banter, Tony's relatively sure that he can handle whatever look Sam is giving him now.]

I'd...appreciate it if you didn't mention this to anyone.

[Look, Tony, he can outmaneuver you with the jetpack, just accept it.]

Didn't even have to ask.

[A couple nights later, they both end up in another memory - an apartment with worn furnishings, nevertheless cleaned scrupulously. In the living room is a couple of card tables with a bunch of children sitting around them, and around the corner in the dining room is a table full of adults. Most of them bear a passing resemblance to Sam, and it's not immediately clear which child he might be (because judging by the decor, this is clearly sometime in his own childhood). Everyone's having a good time, and their plates are full of food. It's as unlike Tony's memory of his childhood as anything possibly could be.]

I really regret that hair. [Sam gestures to a kid who looks to be about eight, his hair puffing out a few inches around his head. Once he smiles, it's fairly obvious that it's Sam himself.]

[Tony's been staring at the scene in front of him like a nature researching trying to track migration patters, so it takes him a moment to register that he's actually being spoken to. He turns towards Sam with a blink, then follows the gesture towards...what is apparently also Sam. Huh.]

I've seen worse.

[It comes out almost absently. Tony's attention is pretty obviously not on what he's saying.]

Get Rhodey to show you his school pictures some time.

Oh, god, school pictures. [Sam just rolls his eyes. Bad memories.] My high school pictures were even worse. I should probably thank the Air Force for making me cut my hair off.

[Sam tilts his head, watching Tony watch the scene before him.] Looking for something?

Try being in high school in the eighties. [Accompanied by an overdramatic shudder, even.

But he glances back towards Sam and flashes him a quick smile.]

Just appreciating the whole Norman Rockwell vibe.

Yeah, thankfully, I was born too late to enjoy that fashion experience and asphyxiation by hairspray.

[Which is a little weird, considering that Tony graduated from both high school and college in the 80s. Although that's also because he's a damn prodigy, so.]

Can't say I've ever seen a Norman Rockwell painting with a black family in it. [It's said dryly, but he knows what Tony means.]

[Tony blinks at him for a moment. It's pretty easy to tell when the penny drops, considering how his expression twists into a grimace.]

Yeah, sorry. You get what I mean, though. Wholesome. Normal.

[The last gets said a little like it's something Tony's heard about but never actually seen for himself.]

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