riverviewlogs | memories are what make us who we are

Entry tags:

memories are what make us who we are

who: Bucky and OPEN
what: Memory sharing event (within dreams)
when: October 9th - 23rd
where: Inside dreams
warnings: Torture, forced memory loss, gore, violence, Nazis.

note: I'll be doing a new dream memory for everyone that tags in, if there are specific subjects you would like to avoid then please note them in your tag/subject line and I'll make sure to tailor the dream accordingly. This can also be used for Bucky to view return dream memories. Open to new and old CR, and you don't need to plot with me first; but if you'd prefer to then I can be reached on plurk at

bibbety

[Bucky tries not to sleep too often even when there aren't oddities happening when he closes his eyes, but even he can't stay awake forever. He's only human, after all, the serum doesn't change that much about him.

But when he closes his eyes and drifts off, he's not expecting to be standing as an observer of his dream, like it's an incredibly realistic movie, and he's certainly not expecting someone to be stood beside him looking on.]

You're not supposed to be here.

[Depending how late in the event it is, and how many people he's seen in his dreams already, that statement ranges from confusion to tight irritation in tone.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Tony stills at the voice -- it's a familiar one -- and slowly turns towards it's owner with a wariness he's mostly lost in the waking world. He's had these dreams before, the ones where Barnes turns up. It just remains to be seen who's supposed to kill who tonight. Neither version is ever particularly pleasant.

The hint of confusion in Barnes' tone, though, that's new. It's throwing off the script and Tony frowns at him.]

Aren't I?

No, but you're not the first.

[The scene solidifies around them as the aftermath of Howard and Maria being killed, the car is already crashed, the Soldier is already taking out the samples of serum from the briefcase in the trunk. There's blood on the ground and it's seeping into the snow.]

These are my dreams.

[It takes less than a second for Tony to register exactly where they are, though only a tic in the muscle of his jaw makes it visibly clear. I know that road. He forces himself to turn, to look nowhere near the front seat. He knows exactly what will be there and isn't completely sure he won't melt down over it. Again.]

Your dreams, huh.

[His tone is flat in a way that says he has no idea what he's feeling right now.]

Is that so surprising?

[That he would dream about his victims.]

You weren't supposed to have to see this.

[Is it better that they're already dead?]

Wasn't supposed to know about it, either.

[Is that bitter? There might be a bit of lingering bitterness, for all that he and Steve have mostly worked things out. But actually being here, on this road, is throwing him back to that cold bunker in Siberia. The only good part is that he's feeling decidedly less homicidal about the whole thing. Just tired.

He watches the Winter Solider pull a briefcase out of his dad's car, and part of Tony wonders what the hell Howard thought he was doing with it. The rest of him is pretty damn sure he doesn't want to know.]

But I've already seen the worst of it.

I don't remember liking Howard much before--

[That's probably the least comforting thing that he could say in a moment like this, but he is going somewhere with it if Tony lets him without punching him in the face for it.]

But at least this proved that whatever else he was, and however quick HYDRA grew inside SHIELD, he wasn't one of 'em.

[The Soldier heads back to the bike and straddles it again, briefcase safely in hand. He glances up at the CCTV camera and shoots it out, but never looks back at where the car is as if his victims are nothing to him now.]

[Tony's silent for a long moment before he bursts out into a genuinely startled laugh. That's probably better than hearing about what good friends they were, anyway.]

I can honestly say the idea had never crossed my mind. Dad was a lot of things, but HYRDA wasn't one of them.

[Obi, on the other hand...he's wondered. Well, he tries not to wonder but it happens sometimes anyway.]

[The laugh takes him by surprise, but it's probably better than being in a sudden fist fight.]

He must've scared them, to send me. You should be proud of that.

[In a sudden nauseating blur, the scenery around them begins to speed past as if they're on the motorcycle with the other Bucky, even though neither of them are actually moving.]

Proud.

[The echo is dry, even as Tony's eyes practically cross at the suddenly change in scenery. He's quiet for a moment after, trying to fight back any of the things that come to mind. He has a lot of feelings about his father. Proud usually isn't one of them.

But he knows that Howard was involved with SHIELD way back at the beginning, Fury's given him enough helpful hints on the matter. It makes sense that Hydra probably had their eyes on him for a while. Which just leaves his mother. Caught in the Stark crossfire like always.

But saying it just feels like pouring salt in the wound, especially considering what he and Barnes are both seeing. Tony's past the need to lash out and hurt him. Mostly.]

Probably a good thing he never got to see what happened with SHIELD, anyway.

You don't think he would have been proud of what you achieved with it, the Avengers? Iron Man?

[He probably should just let it go, but it's so much easier to focus on Tony right now rather than the very real memory all around them. He knows where this is going, and he'd rather end up in a heated debate about it being Bucky's fault that Howard couldn't be there to be proud of those achievements, than to face what comes next.

Not that this stops the dream from continuing on.

The motorcycle speeds into a tunnel and then seemingly through a wall to a hidden underground chamber, where he parks expertly in front of a panel of technicians and one, much younger, Alexander Pierce.]

He'd never been proud of me before, hard to see how he'd start now.

[It's offhand, distant. That's an old ache, one Tony's come to terms with if not exactly dealt with well. Part of him is still searching for Howard's approval, all these years later. He just knows for damn sure he's never going to get it.

But his eyes flick over the room, over Pierce, and it's not hard to tell that Barnes is looking for a distraction. That, he can do.]

He used to talk about you, you know. Well, Steve mostly. But all of you. The Howlers.

I don't remember them.

[It's a quiet sort of admission, not one he makes to many people. Mostly because it feels wrong, somehow, that most of the memories he's got back are of Steve, like nobody else mattered.]

I saw their pictures at the Smithsonian, I read about them, but I don't remember them.

[The Soldier is being berated for not noticing the security camera and destroying it before he fulfilled his mission, that could have led to complications. He's getting sloppy, they say, he needs to undergo refresher training on observation. The Soldier doesn't argue or resist, he lets them lead him into a small black walled room and abandon him in the centre of it.]

[Even without looking too closely at the memory unfolding around them, Tony can tell this is going nowhere good. He fixes his eyes on Barnes with as much intensity as he can muster, like he's trying to keep Barnes' attention on him in turn. Neither of them need to see this. Maybe especially not Barnes.]

What do you remember? First thing that comes to mind.

I remember meeting Steve.

[Maybe it would help for Stark to see this, maybe it would give him some sort of closure to know that his parents' killer had received at least some punishment for his mistakes that night. Even if what was being punished wasn't the murder itself.

There's a sudden loud bang, a gunshot from nowhere, and the Soldier spins to deflect it with his metal arm. Then another from another hidden spot in the room, and again he deflects it.]

Idiot told me off for interrupting his fight, yelled at me for getting involved.

[Tony is in fact very determinedly not watching, all of his attention squarely on the man in front of him. Barnes. He has no more energy to waste on the Winter Soldier.

And in spite of all of that, he can't help the way his mouth curls up slightly at the corner.]

Somehow that fails to surprise me. What else?

Edited 2017-10-28 23:10 (UTC)

I don't know.

[These are things he hasn't talked about with literally anyone before now, why is he discussing them with Stark of all people? Yet he doesn't stop, just thinks about how best to put it.]

I have a few memories of before, not a lot, but they're kind of disjointed. I know that meeting Steve comes first, and I remember some of what it took to stop me being Bucky and turn me into the Soldier and I know that's last, but everything in between? I don't know the order.

[There's a hiss of pain as one of the bullets rips through the Soldier's thigh, not deflected in time, but he doesn't fall. He doesn't have time, there are other bullets coming in fast and he needs to be on his guard.]

[Tony is so out of his depth here that it would be hilarious under any other circumstances. Who is he to try to work through trauma at the degree that Barnes has experienced, even ignoring the mess between them? People literally take years to train for this, but here's Tony Stark, blustering through like he has any idea what he's talking about and hoping he isn't just making things worse.

But he can't just do nothing. Not here, not with what's around them.]

The order doesn't matter, you can work that out later. Just tell me whatever comes to mind.

[Just off to one side, the Soldier is standing in an ever growing puddle of his own blood, doggedly deflecting bullets at lightning speed even as they come too fast for him to get them all. He doesn't cry out, his expression doesn't even change, he just keeps going.

Bucky ignores it, he fixes focused eyes onto Stark's face as if trying to figure out why he wants to know this.]

I remember one of my sisters triple daring my to skinny dip in the Hudson in January, then stealing all my clothes while I was in.

[Tony's eyebrows lift slightly, genuine amusement filtering into the expression.]

And nothing fell off?

[Okay, it was probably a lot less polluted in the thirties. But still. New York isn't a fun place to be in the winter even when you aren't submerged.]

She give 'em back or did you have to streak home?

I don't remember.

[His lips lift a bit, though, it's a good memory for what he has of it.]

But I can remember the sound of her laughter, even if I don't have her face or her name.

Edited 2017-11-01 12:06 (UTC)

[Right, well, they seem to be getting somewhere at least. Tony's not sure he's ever actually seen Barnes smile before. Not that he would have had much of an opportunity, give how things have gone. Still. Progress. Maybe.]

Okay, mocking sister and obnoxious best friend. I'm starting to see a pattern here, Bucky.

[The nickname still feels odd for him to say, but it seems important. A reminder of who he is.]

What else?

[Is that the first time that Stark has called him anything but Barnes? It's odd, it feels somehow more significant coming from him than it does from anyone else. His eyebrows lift slightly in surprise.]

Well-- there's this obnoxious and mocking guy that I know now, guess that follows the pattern.

[That small smile stays at his lips.]

I have a problem, I guess Steve conditioned me to like that sort of idiot.

[It makes Tony's eyebrows lift in turn, and not just because Barnes might be telling him that he likes him. Is that an actual personality peeking out from under the hobo hair? Imagine that.]

Sounds more like it's genetic. Predisposed to be tolerant of obnoxiousness. My sympathies.

[The smirk that flashes across Tony's face feels a lot more like one of his usual expressions. It feels almost like he's on solid ground for the first time in this conversation.]

I guess there's worse things that I could be predisposed towards, like being obnoxious.

[The tiny smirk at his lips dies as the Soldier finally falls. He's taken about fifteen bullets to non-lethal locations, and deflected at least four times as many as that, but the blood loss and pain is too much and so he falls forwards.]

I think this should end soon, you'll be out of here.

Excuse you, I resemble that remark.

[It's mild as Tony barely glances over to the figure on the ground. It's more of a shame that he's losing that little bit of interesting assholishness from Barnes. They were almost getting somewhere.]

Sure. How about you? When do you get out of here?

(no subject)

advanced - 2017-11-25 16:38 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

buildsomething - 2017-11-26 19:58 (UTC) - Expand

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only