riverviewlogs | memories are what make us who we are

Entry tags:

memories are what make us who we are

who: Bucky and OPEN
what: Memory sharing event (within dreams)
when: October 9th - 23rd
where: Inside dreams
warnings: Torture, forced memory loss, gore, violence, Nazis.

note: I'll be doing a new dream memory for everyone that tags in, if there are specific subjects you would like to avoid then please note them in your tag/subject line and I'll make sure to tailor the dream accordingly. This can also be used for Bucky to view return dream memories. Open to new and old CR, and you don't need to plot with me first; but if you'd prefer to then I can be reached on plurk at

bibbety

[Bucky tries not to sleep too often even when there aren't oddities happening when he closes his eyes, but even he can't stay awake forever. He's only human, after all, the serum doesn't change that much about him.

But when he closes his eyes and drifts off, he's not expecting to be standing as an observer of his dream, like it's an incredibly realistic movie, and he's certainly not expecting someone to be stood beside him looking on.]

You're not supposed to be here.

[Depending how late in the event it is, and how many people he's seen in his dreams already, that statement ranges from confusion to tight irritation in tone.]

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Then why the hell am I seeing this? [But it isn't entirely clear if he's talking to himself or his counterpart as he looks around, frown deepening as the scene grows clearer. The discomfort is definitely there; he doesn't want to be in anyone else's head any more than he wants other people in his, and now...

How the hell does he wake up? He can guess at what might happen next, and his stomach turns. He doesn't want to see it.]

I don't know, but you're not the first one.

[At least if anyone has to see this, the other him is probably the least dangerous. He knows, he's lived something similar.]

We couldn't find a way out before.

[From outside someone can be heard advising that the Soldier isn't particularly stable right now, that he should be left in peace.]

Jesus, that's rough. [It's not even his dream and he feels a little violated. He can't help but be a little mad on his other self's behalf, having people romp around in his head.

Tense, he glances toward the door, toward the voices, lips pressed together tight.] ...They used to talk about me like that, too.

They sent me to attack Steve, they knew something was wrong.

[It's a little vindicating to see this. He doesn't remember it very clearly, but he knows what's coming. They're going to wipe him again because Steve got under his skin, because he started to break through.]

Did they send you to do that?

[He shakes his head, a little tense.] Steve wasn't even on their radar until he butted in to Kronas Corp business. Hydra didn't have any involvement with- all of that. [That doesn't mean he didn't clash with Steve, didn't fight with Steve. He would have killed him.]

I didn't remember him when we fought. [It's like an admission of guilt, of 'I wasn't strong enough' to break the programming.]

Neither did I, not until I nearly killed him. Even then I didn't remember who he was, just that I couldn't finish it.

[The door opens and Bucky falls silent as the following scene plays out, unable to take his eyes off the Soldier. It's so weird, knowing he remembered, yet being unable to remember that thanks to the second wipe.]

[A moment of shameful silence, and Bucky takes a breath.] I would've finished it. If Steve hadn't- [He shakes his head, clamming up again, watching the men of HYDRA surround the him from another life. These aren't even his memories, but they're horrible to watch anyway.

He flinches, when the electrical plates that press against the other Bucky's head spark.] Christ.

[The exclamation surprises him enough that he doesn't ask what Steve did, eyebrows raising as he tilts his head to look at the other version of himself.]

You're not used to seeing this?

[Surely they wiped him too?]

Not like this. [He shakes his head slightly, as if dislodging an unpleasant thought.] It was- different, for me. My brain was already fried from dying. If they'd done this to me, I woulda wound up a drooling vegetable. [It's different, but it's the same, in a way. They were both controlled with fear and pain.]

You... died?

[See, that never happened to him.]

That never happened to me, the serum kept me alive after I fell.

The explosion that took my arm killed me, but I guess I froze in the water fast enough to be resuscitated by the Russians when they thawed me out. [He doesn't remember any of this anymore, not really, but he's read his own files.]

I never had serum. That must be why...

But-- if you never had the serum then why were they interested in you in the first place?

[He's pretty sure that the only reason he became the Winter Soldier, was because of what Zola had already put into his veins before Steve busted him out the first time.]

The Russians thought I might have it, same as Steve. Then they figured I'd be useful. I was good, even back then, and I didn't remember anything. Easy to turn.

But it was also personal, for Karpov. [His voice is laced with bitterness.] He liked having an American dog at his beck and call.

[Karpov must have been his original handler, like his was Zola. Did he ever have a handler of that name? He doesn't remember, so possibly not.]

I guess that makes sense, did they give it to you later?

[There had to be some way that he survived this many years, and someone without the serum could never survive cryo-freeze.]

[Maybe it's a little hard to believe, but... no. Bucky shakes his head.] I've never been enhanced. Just frozen and thawed out more times than I can count.

[Winter Soldier: Now comes in All Natural, Organic version, no added preservatives.]

That wouldn't be possible where I'm from.

[It's actually comforting, in a way, just how many differences there are.]

The freezing was dangerous even for me, someone without the serum would have been killed.

I don't know how they did it. I remember there were injections before, and lowering my body temperature gradually before going into the cryo-chamber. [His expression sours a little, thinking about what Natasha told him.] It wasn't even just me. The KGB had other sleepers on ice.

There were others were I was from too, five of them, other Soldiers.

[That's probably the thing he's least proud of, helping to create other people like him to destroy the world at HYDRA's command.]

Did any of them ever get out? [He thinks with a sinking feeling of Leo Novokov, the things Natasha told him about that ordeal. How he ruined both their lives later on.]

They didn't want to.

[Which is more horrifying to him in some ways.]

They were volunteers from HYDRA's best.

Volunteers or 'volunteers'? [It was always hard to tell in the Russian programs if the participants were there of their own free will, or just because they had no choice.] But no, I meant- One escaped cryo pretty violently where I'm from, I guess. Long after the sleepers had been forgotten. It fucked him up.

[He nods, he could see why that would mess anyone up. Even coming out of cryo sleep in a controlled way was unnerving.]

I mean proper volunteers, they fought for the honour of it.

What a world. [He grumbles. It's hard to imagine anybody might want to fight for the "honor" of... all of this. All the shit they never asked for.]

[Finally the screams from the other Bucky die down and the memory starts to fade, the dream starting to end.]

You won't tell anyone.

[About what he's seen, he means. It's mostly a statement, only slightly a question, Barnes is the one most likely to understand the importance of secrets.]

[Bucky nods once.] I won't. We've both got our secrets.

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