riverviewlogs | October Catch-All

"Yeah, the memory I got from you was... different."

Now, normally you would jump right in and explain what that means. But Lola is still a little too awkward to just jump right in on that. Especially since Keith's memory from her was so... harmless.

"..."

Keith wasn't sure how to interpret that. She seemed unsure about the whole thing, and Keith was wondering just what it was Lola had seen. He knew he didn't exactly have a life full of sunshine and rainbows, either, not that he was the only one who might have a tragic past, but he knew there were things that might bother people for whatever reason. He looked down at his hands in his lap for a moment.

"Different, huh?" He frowned a bit. "How so?"

"The kind that is really personal, and even someone who understands exactly what it's like really shouldn't just get to see. Because, like, just because my mom left doesn't mean I can really know all of the stuff you went through. Especially not from just one memory rerun that wasn't even everything."

See, if Lola was fully okay with her own abandonment this might be easier. And if Lola was okay with the fact that people might just get to live through her tragic moments she might not be as awkward knowing someone else's. But she also was bad at secrets, and didn't feel she should know this and just... leave it be.

Oh.

Oh.

Keith almost cringed, looking away from her towards the kitchen for a moment.

"Uh, yeah..." He sighed a little. "It's..." He shrugged, trying to act more casual than he felt. He didn't really talk about his past all that much, and the lack of knowledge on a lot of things really didn't help at all when it came to sharing anyway, so he usually just let it alone. But whatever this... thing was that was going on had sort of forced his hand. "It's nothing I can really change now."

He said that quietly, trying to make it seem like he was okay with it... but he really wasn't. He wasn't past it at all, and was pretty aware that it affected how he interacted with other people... even his own dad.

Keith looking away from Lola is a terrible idea. You know why? I mean you should know why. You can't be surprised that Lola's just going to make this a hugging moment. It feels like a hugging moment even if Keith would never admit to such a thing.

"I know you can't change it, I also know it doesn't really go away either." Well, she would know. She's still got a lot of issues with people leaving her. And even when they don't leave by choice she still has to deal with that in her own way. "But we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

Lola you should let go of him now. Lola won't but that's just how she is.

Keith was definitely caught offguard by Lola's hug, and he stiffened up just a little. However, he managed to recover quickly enough in order to settle down before it made a huge difference. He brought one of his hands up and clasped Lola's arm, not to pull it away, but just as something of a return hug, since a full one was a little awkward at this angle.

"I never really have before," he said. "It's not exactly something that comes up in every day conversation." Being all, 'Hi, I'm Keith, and my mom left when I was young,' wasn't exactly the best way to introduce himself. "How do you even talk about something like that?" How did a person talk about anything like that, really? He just wasn't good at it. Then again, that could be one of the major reasons why...

"It comes up when you do something self destructive and stupid because of it," Lola's a little quiet, "I was dating someone, he didn't get why I felt better knowing other boys were out there. I figured out it was because mom left. I'm just... always ready for it."

She was a little surprised at the hand on her arm, but she wasn't surprised at the fact Keith is bad at hugs. He's bad at a lot of stuff when it comes to this. And now she knew why, still, maybe she can get him past it. Or be there while he figures it out. "It didn't help he broke up with me for my best friend either."

Lola is minorly redacting how that actually played out.

Lola's comment sort of struck a chord in Keith. He was quiet for a moment as he considered it.

"I guess I've done the same thing," he admitted finally. It could be where his temper came from, if it wasn't because he had bloodlines tying him to a bunch of warrior-oriented aliens, but that was a different story for another time. She hadn't seen that memory.

Either way, he'd gotten himself in trouble a few times... maybe more than a few. And he pretty much knew almost all of it was his fault in some way or another.

"How did you know if that was the reason why?"

"Well, I kept thinking about how dad was after she left. And all the times she wasn't there. It just kinda felt... like that had to be at the center of it. How dad was, how much I didn't want to be like either of them, when it came to romance," She was terrified of being alone, more than she cared to admit. She made sure to keep people around, to make new friends, to make all the friends. To be cute and likable. Or try to be likable anyway. "Oh, and while I was here someone screwed my timeline up and I got to see how I'd be a totally different messed up if my mom stayed."

There was that, that helped cement what was her mom's fault and what wasn't.

Keith huffed a little, a somewhat contemplative sound as he listened.

"I've never really thought about how it would be different," he said. "It makes me wonder now, though, if things would have been different between me and Dad... or what it would have been like to have Mom around." It hadn't exactly been a warm relationship between him and his father, but Keith was really young when his mom left. He didn't remember much from before that when she was still there. He barely even remembered her. Part of him wondered for a moment if they'd ever really been a happy family at all. Not that his dad hadn't tried, but still... everything had always felt so stilted and awkward... like Keith just reminded his dad too much of what had been lost.

"I mean, I always sort of considered it being the root of some of my problems, anyway," he admitted. "Like, I just don't trust people not to leave." And, yet, it felt like people always were...

"I always wanted to, you know, be normal. Get all that mom and daughter talks from my mom and not the waitresses at dad's restaurant." Which isn't really a thing Keith can relate to directly, but she hopes it helps indirectly in some way. He flew a giant lion that turned into a giant man and fought aliens so she was pretty sure some translation would be needed no matter what. "Cause I saw my friends and their moms."

"I dunno, it's bad but it's also part of why I'm me. Why I'm nice to everyone and keep trying to be close to people." Lola was aware, now, who she was happened to be all about who she was and how she got here. It was what it was, it hurt, but it also... wasn't really worth changing.

"Maybe." Keith could understand wanting to be 'normal', but he also wondered just what 'normal' was anymore. His idea of that was pretty skewed by this point. But the idea of not standing out and being like everyone else was something that had crossed his mind a few times growing up. He was always different, and it had made things a little hard for him.

Of course, he never knew just how different he was, but he supposed that was something for another time.

"I tend to do the opposite," he said quietly. "I push people away before they get the chance to leave."

Lola paused, looked at him, and giggled. For the blindingly obvious reason. He says he pushes people away but he has a girl hugging him and he hasn't really done much about it.

"You haven't pushed me away."

Keith quirked an eyebrow at her, looking a little amused.

"You know I don't mean it like that," he said. "More just that I tend to be a loner." He shrugged slightly against her hug. "I mean, if everyone is going to leave me anyway, I might as well just get used to being alone, right?"

"I make the best of it with people, sure... they might leave. But it's a lot of fun while they're here." Lola's just going to press her face into Keith's chest for a moment. "You're also not allowed to feel alone while I'm here."

Keith was a little taken back by Lola pressing against him like that, but then he just smiled a little. Her shift in position made it a little easier for him to get his arm around her shoulders now, so he did. That was okay, right?

"Thanks..." There was still that nagging feeling that it was easy to say something like that, but to keep it up was a totally different matter, but he tried not to focus on it. If that happened, then it happened. It wouldn't be the first time, and it wasn't likely to be the last. But, she had a point. Just try to enjoy it while the person was there.

He could try to do that.

October Catch-All

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