riverviewlogs | [open] cast an illusion

Entry tags:

[open] cast an illusion

who: cisco + anyone!
what: memory share event & catch-all
when: october
where: anywhere
warnings: murder, torture, bullying

MEMORIES

Feel free to either have your character text Cisco (or comment on this post but indicate a text message) about having a vision / dream of his past, or to come to where he is to discuss it.

A. MURDER {third person dream OR first person vision}

[watch here

This memory is both intensely traumatic and one that Cisco has relived many many times. Have fun with it if you want, there may be small distortions - sometimes Cisco seems to remember Eobard's demeanor being gleeful, even smiling as he kills him. There may be odd gaps here and there, as well as inconsistencies. Or you can play it totally straight, just as it happened.]

B. VIBING {first person; vision}

[watch here (memory lasts up 'til 2:30)

This memory is likely to come across in jumbled pieces at first, and then more clearly as the week progresses. What's most important is that this memory captures the subjective experience of vibing from Cisco's perspective. So at one moment the memory is of looking down at a microscope slide of sand, feeling intense unease and fear, to hands reaching out and touching the sand. Once that contact is established, there is a swooping feeling, like missing a step going down stairs or plummeting on a roller coaster, and then the world goes static-y, with strange flashes of light, blurred vision, and an eerie blue tint. The warehouse that Cisco sees feels intensely present, though sounds are a bit muffled and occasionally there are jumps and starts. The end of the vision is as jarring as the start, and afterwards there is the confrontation with Stein, and a palpable feeling of panic over being interrupted and witnessed.]

C. PRISONER {first person; vision}

[watch here

This memory is clear and vivid, accompanied by feelings of hunger, exhaustion, frustration. Feel free to supplement after the cutoff at the end of the scene a moment where Cisco begs that he's already made them weapons (the heat, cold, and gold guns) and that's enough, and also Snart threatening to just out and out kill Dante, both of which are confirmed to happen but aren't shown in the clip I linked.]

D. BABY NERD PT 1 {third person; dream}

[ Cisco can't be older than nine or so, and he's adorable. We're talking a criminally cute child. His hair is cut short, which makes his ears stick out a little, and there's a tooth missing his bottom row of teeth. He's small for his age, (looks even smaller because he's wearing what are clearly hand-me-down clothes), all round-cheeked and bright-eyed. He comes bounding up to a bench in what looks like a small neighborhood park. Sitting on the bench is a pretty brunette girl with a high ponytail and big earrings, and a boy that looks a little like Cisco, around five years older. Cisco, bubbly and excited, asks: ]

Hey Val, hey Dante, do you wanna see what I made?

[ Dante, who has a hand very obviously and purposefully perched on Val's knee, glares absolute daggers at his little brother, but before he can say anything she answers with genuine interest: ]

Yeah, totally.

[ Cisco beams and pulls the lid off the shoebox. Inside is rather ugly-looking device, clearly cobbled together with materials from a bunch of different things. But Cisco pulls it out carefully as if it's the most precious thing on earth and holds it up, explaining in a delighted rush, what it is and how he made it. He has apparently cobbled together pieces from a broken cell phone, an old malfunctioning digital camera, and a half-smashed mp3 player, into a frankenstein'd device that can take pictures, make phone calls, and play music, too. Val sits up as he explains, going from indulgent to this kid with his little doodad to genuinely excited. Cisco hands it over to her and she tests it out, taking a photo of the beaming Cisco, clicking a number code onto the pad which makes 'I Could Fall In Love' by Selena play (though only loud enough that she has to hold the thing to her ear like a phone to hear it). Then, she even uses it as a phone, calling her mom, exclaiming that it really works, and hanging up again. ]

Cisco, this is so cool.

[ She jumps to her feet, saying that she's got to go get her best friend from the corner store across the street to bring her to see it, too, and goes rushing off. Cisco just stands there, holding the thing and beaming like he's never been more proud of himself in his entire life. ]

E. BABY NERD PT 2 {third person; dream}

[ (Continued from the last one, for anyone who wants an angst component)

As this scene was happening with Val, Dante was getting more and more visibly annoyed, trying to redirect attention back to himself. As soon as she leaves Dante snatches the device from Cisco, turning it over once or twice, unimpressed. Cisco's face falls, shifting from joy to trepidation, like he knows something bad is going to happen. Dante doesn't disappoint; he tosses the thing in the air and then catches it as it falls. Cisco pleads: ]

Dante, don't!

[ Which, of course, only seems to encourage the older boy. Dante throws it into the air, higher this time, and catches it, but Cisco winces, clearly terrified that he'll drop it. He tries to grab it away from his older brother, but Dante gets to his feet, holding it above his head. ]

Come on, don't be such a fucking girl, I'm not gonna drop it.

[ He tosses it into the air with enough momentum to it goes behind him and he has to spin to catch it. Cisco keeps pleading with him to quit it, trying to wrestle it away from Dante, who only laughs. It's inevitable, what happens eventually. Dante hurls the thing much too high, and it's hard to say, whether he was really trying to catch it or not. Either way, it slips between his hands and crashes onto the asphalt, shattering into about a dozen pieces. Cisco scrambles to pick up all the pieces, but the lens from the camera has shattered and the casing is cracked. ]

Oops.

[ Dante shrugs, sounds absolutely unapologetic. Cisco starts sniffling, fighting back tears as he tries to fit the thing back together. He starts putting the pieces back into the shoebox, wiping tears from his cheeks as they start to fall but saying nothing, not even looking at his brother. Dante, for his part, says scornfully: ]

Seriously, Cisco, it was an accident. You gotta stop being such a sissy all the time. It doesn't look good.

[ Then he walks off in the direction that Val had gone without another word, leaving Cisco to clean up the rest of the mess. ]

OR hit me up on plurk to plot something else!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Taako hesitates here, not sure if this is a conversation that Cisco is going to want to have, but at the end of the day, after all the bullshit they've seen from each other's lives, it feels kind of important to point out.]

He tried to save Eobard, didn't he?

[And that's risky as hell, when Cisco was right there, when Eobard was a speedster. By the time Barry caught those bullets, Cisco could've been dead and Eobard would've been long gone.]

[ There's a long, long, long gap before Cisco texts back. ]

i don't know how far you saw but it wasn't eobard
it was this shapeshifter guy named hannibal
and he died and it all turned out okay.
not a scratch on me

[ And then a few seconds later:]

barry hated eobard just as much as i did

[ And again: ]

i was fine so what does it matter.

[Taako saw the man change but hadn't really understood what it meant, so that does explain... that, but he doesn't think it's the point. Barry didn't know it wasn't Eobard, he should've been operating like it was, and that should've meant prioritizing Cisco.

But he knows what denial looks like, and doesn't want to push too hard.

Still:]

It matters cause it happened, even if it turned out fine

[ The memory of that trap and those few very fraught seconds had really gotten buried amidst everything else that had happened right around then. Cisco hasn't really thought back to it, run over it in his mind logically. But Taako won't stop talking about it and he really can't think his way around the fact that Barry hadn't known it was Hannibal (and hell, even he had killed plenty of people, without warning and in cold blood) when he ran for those bullets. He'd talked Cisco into the plan in the first place, promised he'd be safe, and then when Joe had acted to save Cisco, Barry had intervened, tried to stop it.

Of course Barry had wanted a confession to help free his father, but... it wasn't like it was Cisco's life or his father's life, right there and then. They could've proved his father's innocence in other ways.

It's almost worse than the rest of it, the fact that Cisco hadn't really seen it, or even realized what it meant. It's the particular kind of surprise he's not very good with. He texts Taako back, automatically. ]

cool

[ Cisco doesn't even realize that as responses go, that's probably a pretty weird one. ]

You good, pumpkin?

[It is a very odd response and all it serves to do is making Taako worry, mostly that he's stepped over a line here, that Cisco is mad at him, so he... wants to be sure.]

Edited ( It looked weird??) 2017-10-11 02:14 (UTC)

[ Cisco stares at his phone for a while, unsure how to reply, or whether he should at all. None of this is Taako's fault, though, and he deserves a response, so Cisco tries for something simple. ]

i never really thought about it before.

[Ah.]

You want some company?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ That's not really a helpful answer, Cisco. ]

Hey.

[It's gently admonishing, because while he gets that need to avoid heavy subjects and dealing with issues, Cisco doesn't need to brush him off quite like that.]

sorry, taako.

[ Cisco is reeling, but he can tell in a vague sort of way that he's not giving Taako a whole lot to work with, and is maybe coming across as a bit of a dick himself. ]

company's probably a good idea
i think i'm in shock a little bit
which is dumb because it's not new information but i was so relieved i didn't die i never even realized he was gonna let me

[Taako barely reads the rest of Cisco's message; he just casts a locate person and teleport spell, appearing a few feet away from Cisco.]

C'mere.

[A hug is the best place to start.]

[ It's sometimes unnerving, the way Taako can just be there in an instant, wherever he is, but right now Cisco appreciates it. He is in his workshop; he'd been in the middle of soldering something, and there's still the smell of it in the air. He's got safety goggles pushed up on top of his head that he's forgotten about.

Cisco has never been one to turn down a hug (particularly not from Taako), but this time he only lets it last just a moment or two, stays stiff-backed, though trembling faintly. Then he takes a step back, nodding in a jerky way at the beaten-up couch nearby. He feels like he needs to explain himself, explain his reaction. After all, this wasn't something hidden from him, exactly. ]

I don't mean to- It's stupid to act like it's some huge surprise, it's just- a lotta the stuff that went down those first couple weeks after I died is kinda, uh, a blur. I wasn't sleeping a lot.

[ It sounds like an apology, the way he says it. ]

[Out of everything, the briefness of the hug is the most troubling and he's surprised when Cisco pulls away, frowning even as he follows that gesture and moves to the couch.]

Listen, my man, you don't gotta explain shit to me, okay? I'm here to be here, not for answers.

[Which is his way of saying that if Cisco just wants someone to sit quietly with him while he deals with this, that's fine.]

I... wanna ask you something and- and can you answer me completely honestly? No matter what.

[ This isn't something he could ask anyone else. If he went to Eddie with this, or explained the situation to Lup or Magnus or Billy or anyone, he wouldn't trust them to give him a totally unvarnished honest answer. But with Taako, Cisco knows that if he asks, if that's what he wants, he will get it. Even if it's something that will hurt him a lot. Which is a resource, in a way. ]

Do you think... it's something about me?

[ That's not enough for Taako to understand what he's getting at, so Cisco explains, staring at the ground a few inches from his feet. He tries to keep his voice steady, but a hint of hoarseness creeps in about halfway through. ]

I've never seen Barry pick anything over saving somebody's life. Not revenge, not his personal safety - he runs into burning buildings and top secret military bases and- I was always on comms, and he's never not saved somebody who he physically could save. [ Until, by implication, the moment Taako had seen. ] Barry was my best friend. He called himself that. It's not like he secretly hated me, I'm sure of that. And- Dr. Wells didn't, either. The- um. Last thing he told me before he killed me was that he loved me like a son, so I'm just... starting to wonder if maybe it's, you know. Me. Is there something about me that makes people... that makes this keep happening?

[ Cisco can't bring himself to look at Taako; he stares down at his hands instead, scraping at a few messy cuticles while he waits. He's dry-eyed, for now, though he's pretty sure that'll stop at some point. It's probably unfair, to ask Taako such a question, but Cisco really needs to know the answer. ]

Edited 2017-10-12 11:55 (UTC)

[The instinct is there to answer straight away, to reassure Cisco and leave it at that, something comforting and kind to dismiss these worries but that's not what Cisco is asking for. And he knows there's a reason that Cisco picked him to ask, beyond the convenience, beyond the fact Taako saw this shitty memory and understood the implication before Cisco did. Honesty is a complicated thing; Taako will lie to smooth situations over if he's worried about negative reactions, but he can be honest to the point of cruelty if he isn't expecting any consequences.

This doesn't quite fall into either category, because while he knows Cisco won't like, hate him, for whatever answer he gives, it could hurt Cisco regardless and that, to Taako, is a consequence he's not sure he wants to accept.

But he's not going to lie, and he's not going to answer it immediately, instead taking a second to think it over, taking one of Cisco's hands as he does, both so that Cisco knows he isn't being ignored and to offer a little bit of comfort.]

I think, uh, I think they're two different things, you know? From what I've heard about Eobard, I dunno if he can love anyone but himself and like, been there, done that, even if I wasn't as much of a dick, but my point is that whatever he said probably isn't true.

[He doesn't know if this is what Cisco wants to hear, which is... how the truth works, really. It's not about tailoring an answer to what he's guessed someone is after.]

I don't-- It's not something about you. I mean, you're way too fucking nice for your own good and people are always gonna take advantage of that shit, but that's not on you. [That's the rest of the world, being shitty.] Two people isn't a pattern, bubbale, as fucked up as it is.

[ Cisco is glad that Taako reaches out and takes his hand; he holds on tightly, feeling his eyes going hot with tears but keeping them in check. He really doesn't want to break down, but it feels like the ground is about to crumble out from beneath his feet, and he doesn't know how to stop it. But then Taako's speaking, telling him that this isn't a pattern, and that what Eobard had done and what Barry had done were two different things. Which... should have been obvious, perhaps, but when it comes to people close to him and betrayal, Cisco can't be objective or look at the facts rationally. He is once burned and twice very shy. Any hint of a similarity and he launches off at five hundred miles an hour.

At the very least, though, he knows this is something he does. And he trusts Taako to know if it was more of the same, and to tell him. If Taako says that this thing with Barry wasn't Eobard all over again, then Cisco believes him. So he exhales, slow and shaky, and nods his head, a single tear spilling out and down his cheek, which he wipes away quickly, embarrassed. ]

Okay. Yeah. You're right.

[ It's weird and uncomfortable, thinking about Taako and Eobard being similar in any way, so Cisco is just going to gloss over that, for now. He's had the thought before - back when Taako had told him how the cycles made him pull away from everyone. And Cisco knows it had changed him, thinking he had never had Lup. Maybe they'll actually talk about it someday, maybe they won't. But not right now.

Cisco focuses instead on the rest of it, on the reassurance that there isn't something about him that is inherently broken and wrong that makes the people turn on him. He gives Taako's hand a squeeze, and then actually manages a thin watery smile and small laugh. ]

Thanks. Sorry to... y'know. Freak out on you. Again.

[ Cisco shuts his eyes, tries to pull himself back together. He thinks about that day, about that trap, and the gunshots, the hand raised in the air coming at him. Thinks about the kind of person Barry is, and how to reconcile all of it. ]

I think... I know it's gonna sound like I'm making excuses for him, and maybe I am, but I think Barry just wasn't even thinking straight. None of us do when it comes to Eobard stuff, and... Barry can be really reckless. He's got these healing powers, and I think he forgets sometimes that the rest of us don't.

[ He gives a small shrug, scooting a bit closer to Taako on the couch and then resting his head on his friend's shoulder, sighing. ]

But... I guess. It was sort of a dick move, huh?

[Taako gives Cisco the time to talk himself through it, knowing that this sort of thing isn't something that's going to be over with a few reassurances, but he's satisfied that he seems to have said mostly the right thing, rather than his honesty making it worse.]

It was a super dick move.

[Sometimes he thinks this is what Cisco really needs to be told, that the way his friends have treated him isn't right, that he should expect better out of the people he surrounds himself with. Maybe that's a bit hypocritical coming from Taako, who would betray Cisco in seconds if it meant saving Lup but that's... it's different, or he hopes it is, because it's something that's known. Cisco would expect that of him, if it ever came down to it.]

And shit, uh, at least you can be pretty sure Eddie's never gonna pull shit like that?

[ It is, in fact, what Cisco needs to be told - left to his own devices, he's far too inclined to ignore or forgive anything worse than overt and hostile mistreatment. He doesn't do it consciously, he is just too empathetic, and too stuck being grateful that he has friends at all. His loyalty and low self-esteem can blind him to what are obvious facts to anybody else.

So it's nice to hear that, to tentatively, obliquely criticize: ]

It was Barry's idea. We needed more information, and I knew... he'd talked to me some, before he killed me, so we did this lucid dream thing where I relived it in a kind of half-vibe half-nightmare and narrated what was happening to everybody. Which... sucked. But he mentioned killing Barry's mom, so Barry thought maybe we could get that on tape. As a confession, you know? If we recreated the circumstances. So... he asked me to. I- wasn't really thrilled about it, obvs, but I said yes. It was my call.

[ Cisco thinks back, remembers the little hints he'd been dropping, trying to communicate to his friends how not alright he was. Making jokes about having PTSD, and never sleeping again, and how scared he was all the time, and how his whole life was starting to seem like one big waking nightmare. It wasn't their fault, perhaps, for thinking it was hyperbole, or just cracking wise. But then he remembers about how much he had screamed and begged for help while they all stood around him as he vibed. Maybe it had been a little bit their fault. His hold on Taako's hand tightens, the tears threatening to come again. He holds them back, though, and says a touch hoarsely: ]

I don't think - I think I did too good of a job, pretending to be okay, when I wasn't.

[ When Taako brings up Eddie not pulling something like that, it's enough to make Cisco smile, small but warm. Even if Taako can't see his face well from this angle, the sound of that smile is in his voice when he says: ]

If there's anybody at all who wouldn't, it'd be Eddie.

[ Cisco knows that for a lot of folks, he's not their number one priority. Taako has Lup - and Magnus, and probably even Lucretia. And Cisco gets that. He's been forced to choose, before. He'd given up Barry's identity to Snart, not because he didn't love him, but because Dante would've died, otherwise.

But with Eddie, Cisco's pretty sure he's the top of the list. Which is a new and very unfamiliar feeling. ]

[It doesn't come as any kind of surprise that Cisco was willing to not only risk himself, but force himself to relieve a shitty, traumatic experience for to help out a friend. Not even to save their life, just to help, even if Taako doesn't have all the details to put more than a basic guess together (Eobard killed Barry's mother, his dad took the fall for it? But he doesn't understand why a speedster couldn't presumably just break someone out of prison).]

Kind of a bad call on that one, bubbale.

[It's almost gently chiding, an unspoken reminder that Cisco shouldn't have to hurt himself to help his friends, no matter what the cause. Taako is too selfish, but Cisco is far too selfless, and there's probably a balance that can be struck between either end of that spectrum.]

How's that all going, bee-tee-dubs? If uh, if you wanna talk about it instead of all this shit?

[It's an offer to move the conversation to something positive, if Cisco wants it.]

Yeah. Maybe it was.

[ The only problem with admitting that is, no matter how much Cisco thinks about it, he can't imagine making any other choice. Even if he'd known, at the time, just how risky it could be. Even if Barry had flat-out said to Cisco's face that he was using him and didn't care what it might do to his mental or physical health. Even if all of that were true... Can't can't imagine himself saying no.

At least he has enough perspective to be troubled by that, though, so he is grateful when Taako offers him the conversational out. Cisco recognizes it for the opportunity that it is, and seizes on it immediately, but without any acknowledgement that he's doing it to avoid talking any more about Barry Allen's questionable decision making and Cisco's somewhat doormat-ish tendencies.

Cisco tucks his hair back behind his ears, gives a shy small shrug; the corner of his mouth twitches towards a smile, despite everything awful they'd just been talking about. ]

It's going really, really well.

[ He and Taako don't discuss Cisco's love life all that much, for obvious reasons. They had seemed to both understand, without ever saying it out loud, how to bend and shape their conversations to avoid as much awkwardness as possible. If Taako is asking, now, Cisco assumes he must want a real answer. One of the great things about Taako is that he doesn't pretend to be interested in shit that doesn't matter to him, and if a conversation is making him uncomfortable, he'll simply put a stop to it. It's a reassuring thing, for Cisco (though he knows others might see it as rude). ]

I'm happy. I'm- I'm that kind of happy where a lot of the time I'm starting to forget to even brace myself for whatever's gonna come along and take that happiness away.

[It's a little awkward, sure, and Taako's way to deal with that is just to mostly avoid the topic, but it's not the worst thing ever and he's willing to handle a tiny bit of discomfort to give Cisco something positive to focus on.

So he'd asked, and Cisco has answered and really, despite that potential for awkwardness he's happy for the both of them, that they seem to have found something that works together. Taako never had any illusions about the permanence of his relationship with Eddie, so there's no jealousy or anything there, he can just be glad for them.]

You know that like, aside from all the rough shit this place pulls it's pretty safe. [There's no supervillains or whatever, and the fence keeps people safe from monsters.] You don't have to brace yourself for shit to go bad.

Yeah, I know. Thanks, Taako.

[ It means a lot to Cisco, that Taako actually cares whether he's happy or not. That he pays enough attention to actually notice when things aren't going as well as Cisco might pretend. Cisco doesn't really doubt that Barry and Caitlin had cared about him, each in their own way. But they'd forget, it seemed, from time to time, that there was more to him than the jokes, and the fun, and the stuff he did to keep their spirits up. ]

I don't know. I mean, don't get it twisted, man - I'm really happy. Not just with Eddie, though that's a big part of it. There's also... now brace yourself, 'cause it's gonna get sappy... there's also you, and Lup, and Magnus, and all the other friends I've made. And I straight-up love it here. Even with the ghosts, and now all this bullshit. It's not like I'm slapping on a big fake smile or whatever. This place is dope and my life is awesome.

[ He pauses for a moment, considering how best to word this next part, so it does not undo everything he's just said. But if there's anyone who is likely to understand, it's Taako. And after he had just had such a prolonged freakout about Barry, and seeing patterns where there weren't any, some explanation is probably a good idea. ]

I just... got blindsided pretty bad, once, and now it's like a reflex. Like when you tap the top of your knee. [ He mimics tapping his knee, and his leg swinging out in an automatic response. ] When things are going good, I look for the signs that it might not be as good as it seems. 'Cause there were signs. With Eobard. And I missed all of 'em.

Edited 2017-10-16 12:02 (UTC)

[Taako makes a point to tense up a little at that brace yourself, as if he really is, though he relaxes a moment later and squeezes Cisco's hand instead of saying anything about how he doesn't want to deal with sappy feelings. Taako accepts that this is just part of being friends with Cisco, the way that Cisco knows not to expect that same sappiness in return.]

I get it, I do.

[There's something to be said for vigilance, for not letting his guard down, but sometimes that can go too far.]

Just don't start seeing seeing shit that isn't there, you know? Cause you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Big talk coming from someone who's likely to do the same thing, but... whatever.]

Yeah. You're right.

[ Cisco knows he's been guilty of seeing things that aren't there, from time to time. There are people he's been suspicious of who didn't deserve it, moments he's not been able to properly enjoy because they reminded him of this or that inconsequential detail about times with Dr. Wells. It had been worse, before he came here. But this place, with all its strangeness, and its habit of dredging up the past, has been helping. ]

I'll do my best not to.

[ It's all he can realistically promise, for the time being. But it's a start. ]

Can I- can I ask you something, and then I'll drop it? If I've ever got a friend that gives you a bad feeling, or who's doing something that doesn't fit with their story... gimme a heads up?

[ That first bit, he thinks, Taako might have been inclined to do already. It's this next part that is the heart of the request. ]

And if I'm ever, you know, going off the deep end saying someone must be up to no good when they're obviously harmless, just, like, gimme a smack on the back of the head and tell me to lighten up.

Cisco, darling, I've got magic powers. I'll do more than give you a heads up.

[It's easy enough to skim the surface of someone's thoughts to check for any ill intent, and he's willing to cross a couple of boundaries if someone is giving him a bad vibe, especially if they're someone his friends are close to. Taako doesn't see any need to monitor who his friends hang out with, but that doesn't mean he can't keep an eye out for anything weird.]

The smack upside the head I can handle, for sure.

[Any excuse will do.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[open] cast an illusion

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