riverviewlogs | But since you've been gone, girl you know the thought of you's driving me mad

Entry tags:

But since you've been gone, girl you know the thought of you's driving me mad

who: Ivar and you! + some closed prompts
what: The Viking tries (and fails to) deal with heartbreak
when: After August 25th and into September
where: All over the city
warnings: Possible violence, mentions of underage sex

She'd left him. Well, to be more specific, Letha had left him and Winter. Somehow, that hurt almost worse than anything, knowing that she didn't love her own child enough to stay and care for her. What had possessed her to do it, he'd never know. They'd finally slept together for the first time, and while they lay in bed together afterwards, Ivar had worked up the courage to tell her that he loved her for the first time.

The next day, she was gone.

Apparently, they'd gotten that portal working well enough to send her where she wanted to go. Those running it told him where they'd set it for: Kattegat in 816. His home world. Wasn't that just a kick in the ass, that she'd run away to where he'd come from? Ivar had been too stunned at the time to do much more than wonder why.

Eventually, the emotions hit, and considering the Viking never had a good grasp on them anyway, they were all over the place. He could be found alternately crying his eyes out, sulking like a small child, taking his rage out at the weapons training center, or spending time with Winter to distract himself. He could be encountered in just about any mood, but one thing was clear: Ivar was hurting bad, heartbroken in the way that someone could only be upon losing their first love.

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Ivar doesn't leave the beer. Instead, he just polishes it off with a few gulps down. He takes the cup of whiskey offered. He drinks a long draught before he continues on. "Up and left me to go to my world. To Kattegat."

He's always struggled to express his emotions. Right now, Ivar feels like he's being pulled in a bunch of different directions. There's anger, shock, resentment, and despair. But mostly, it's just a whole lot of sadness. "I told her I loved her the night before and she did this to me." He slumped forward onto the countertop and buried his face on his folded arms. Ivar's life had always been a bit of a soap opera, but this was just a new dramatic wrinkle to it. He was working his way up to telling Bucky the other part of it, how they'd never slept together until that night either.

Bucky knocks back a shot of whiskey with him, and sets the glass down on the countertop with a clink and a heavy exhale. This is a much heavier conversation than he'd thought to have today. The liquor, at least, soothes the desire to up and run and not face any of this conversation. Ivar needs a friend right now, not a man who's afraid to talk about feelings. "She went back to your world without you. Jesus Christ," he swears, picking up the bottle again to pour another shot. He never knew this woman, but it seems so callous, to go back to your love's world by yourself, to leave your boyfriend alone with the baby in a strange place.

Then he watches Ivar fold over, watches him crumple in a pile of too many awful feelings at once, and he sets the glass down, reaching over to put a hand on his shoulder, heavy and warm. "That's fucked up. I'm sorry she put you through this. Whatever was goin' through her head, you didn't deserve any of this shit."

It seems to hit him then that Ivar has a baby. He's what, sixteen? Alone and heartbroken with a baby. Christ.

The hand on his shoulder is comforting, a reminder of times when his father would do the same, laying a hand on him, or coming in close to rest their foreheads together. The ache for his dead parent feels a bit less today, replaced by the misery of losing his girlfriend.

Ivar is strong-willed, a good thing when tragedy keeps befalling him. This won't break him for good, though for now, he's hurting enough to where it feels like it'll never end. The thought of raising Winter by himself, a broken family just like he cam from, depresses him greatly. Growing up with only one parent can screw people up. He's proof of that.

His voice is muffled as he doesn't lift his head, but a hard edge enters it. "No, I didn't. I could kill her for this. Just take her by the hair and smash her head right into a pulp." Disturbing thoughts when voiced aloud, but Bucky already knew that the teen has a very unstable mindset.

"Hey. C'mon," he says firmly, giving his shoulder a light squeeze. "Those kinda thoughts aren't productive." He knows Ivar isn't exactly all there, as far as stability and morality goes, so he doesn't lecture about how you shouldn't kill people, especially people you love - or once loved. He tries to frame it differently. "She did a shitty thing to you, and to your kid, but right now, thinkin' about murdering her isn't gonna help anybody." Maybe it's good she's worlds away right now.

"You gotta worry about you and your daughter right now."

Ivar finally looks back up. "I am worried about Winter. I wanted her to have a whole family, not a shitty broken one like I came from." Not having a father had profoundly affected Ivar growing up. He knew, despite all his best efforts, it was going to affect Winter not having a mother around.

"It's going to be hard enough growing up different as she is with her powers." He ran a hand over his hair. "But maybe it's better this way. Guess Letha didn't love either of us, no matter what she said."

"A small family ain't necessarily a broken one. I don't even remember my mom." His lips curl in a wry little smile, almost humorless. "Not gonna say I turned out alright, but none of that was my dad's fault. He did his best with me and Rebecca. She turned out alright." She had gotten married, had kids, lived a normal and happy and productive life, and for all but a handful of her years she'd been an orphan.

"It's not gonna be easy for either of you, but at least as long as you're here, you got friends. Those can wind up like family, too. You don't have to do it all alone." Bucky doesn't respond to the part about Letha not loving him, because... he doesn't know what to say. He thinks she probably didn't, but will saying that really help? And of course he doesn't want to offer empty platitudes. "What kinda powers does the kid have?"

Ivar gives his parental figure a flat look. "Forgive me if I feel dubious when you use yourself as an example." Sorry, Bucky, you're as unstable as a plate in a china shop during an earthquake. He better come up with a better example if he wants to convince Ivar the merits of single parenthood.

Ivar listens and it sparks just the tiniest bit of hope in him. He's got people he can count on here. He's not alone. His small found family can help get him through this and beyond, when he'll have to raise Winter in the years to come. "She's what's called a healer in Letha's world. She absorbs the life force from people and can put it back into others, healing them. Letha kept saying she was unnatural, some sort of abomination, like a little monster." There's a note of fury in his voice as he mentions Letha again.

Then it softens again as he goes back to talking about Winter. "But she's never done it to me. If she already has that control so young, she can learn to do it with others as she gets older. She won't be dangerous if I can teach her what to do."

Bucky just shrugs at that, not offended. "Didn't say I was a good example, said my sister was. She grew up and got married, had kids, grandkids, still alive into her 80s. Had a long, happy, normal life." Whereas Bucky went into the military and got fucked up. He's never going to be anybody's good example of anything.

His brow creases as Ivar describes the way Letha talked about the kid. Her abilities are strange, maybe, but Bucky has seen all kinds of strange abilities in his day. "That's rich comin' from the lady who up and left her family. If she talked about your daughter that way, maybe it's better that she's gone." The kid doesn't need to be hearing talk like that, after all, even as young as she must be.

"She can learn. People with powers aren't uncommon where I come from; everybody has to learn. She'll be just fine, and so will you."

"Good riddance to her." Ivar pours another liberal amount of whiskey into his glass. He wants to get good and drunk right now. Maybe then it will stop hurting so much. "It would have been terrible if she had stuck around without really loving Winter." That would have screwed up their daughter for certain.

"At least there's no better place to raise a child that's different. Seems like everyone here has some power or another." Ivar sighs heavily and looks down into his drink glass. He just looks so sad, a teenager who's had too much sorrow and pain for an entire lifetime, let alone one that's only been sixteen years so far. "I hope so. But it doesn't really feel that way right now."

"Good riddance to a bad girlfriend," he says, tapping his glass against Ivar's and then draining another shot. Liquor is definitely the answer right now. "Kid's better off. Long as you love her and do your best for her, you're gonna be a good parent." Coming from a guy who knows nothing about parenting and also hasn't been around a baby since the 1940s, but, he thinks it's a good sentiment.

"Just about. Plenty of people to give you advice." That's a positive, at least, but it's a shitty situation, and Ivar just looks so sad... It hurts to see him like this. "I know everything feels like shit right now. But I mean it, you got friends. For whatever you need." Even if what he needs is just to get good and drunk, like now.

"I hope so. I'm not really a good person in general, but I think I can be good for her." What choice did he have otherwise? He wasn't about to abandon Winter like his own father had done to him. He found himself in the same position that his own mother had been in all those years ago, caring for a child that the rest of the world had decided to reject.

Ivar drains his own glass again. "I'm sticking with men from now on. At least they stab you in the front instead of in the back." Is he still making sense? The alcohol is finally starting to hit a little bit. It helps to numb the pain away.

Then he sets his chin down on top of the arms already folded on the table in front of him. His voice sounds small, not at all like the confidence and authority that the Viking usually tries to exude. "Can I ask a favor? Is it okay if I just stay here for the night?"

"Nobody's perfect. At least if you're makin' the effort, you're doing better than a lot of people." Everyone's parents screw up at some point, Bucky knows that Ivar will be no different there, but as long as he's trying, he thinks he'll be fine. The declaration makes him smile slightly, a little humorously.

"Guess that's one way to look at it. I'm just staying away from relationships for now. Men don't seem any less complicated." He can't help but envy how easy it is for some people to move on, to decide hey, I'll just date my own gender instead. Bucky isn't sure he will ever get past his breakup with Natasha.

His posture softens a little at that, though, and he gives Ivar's shoulder a light squeeze. "Yeah. You're always welcome here. Your kid staying with someone?"

Ivar runs his finger over the edge of the glass. "Everyone is terrible. Sometimes, I think no one is meant to stay together forever." Aside from Floki and Helga, who were sort of his honorary uncle and aunt, no one in his life had ever stayed completely monogamous. People's eyes always wandered, and whether their partner gave them permission or not, they ended up straying.

He sits back up, slumping in his wheelchair. "Yeah. I made plans in case I couldn't get back to her." Ivar had the foresight to know he was probably going to be getting good and drunk tonight.

"I'm startin' to think that too." Not that everyone is terrible, he knows better than that, but that no one stays together forever. That's certainly how it feels right now, and maybe if he believes that no one is meant to last, he'll feel better about the end of his own relationship.

"See, you're taking to this responsible parenting thing already." He smiles just slightly. "You can crash in my room tonight. I don't sleep much anyway."

"Nobody I know has ever really stuck together for the long run. Guess it's too much to expect someone to stick around. I should just get used to it." It was a shame to think this way. All Ivar had ever really wanted was someone who could look past the surface and decide he was worth it. But this was better than getting hurt.

Ivar downed another shot of whiskey, the faintest hint of a smile on his face as Bucky called him a responsible parent. One or two more and he'd be ready to hit the bed.

"Sometimes life gets in the way," he says mildly, practically. "Circumstances change. It's your friends that will always stay, I think, not your lover." At least, that's how it feels. He and Natasha have broken up but Bucky knows there is nothing he could do to shake Steve off his back, even if he wanted to. That kind of partnership is forever.

"You'll get through this. You're a hell of a viking."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Ivar knew he was tough enough to get through anything that the world threw at him. It had already done quite a number on him back home, losing his mother and father at almost the same time.

Ivar downs his drink. It's definitely going to be his last. "I'm gonna go to bed." Hopefully, Bucky would just ignore the muted sounds of crying as Ivar sobbed into his pillow until he fell asleep.

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But since you've been gone, girl you know the thought of you's driving me mad

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