riverviewlogs | [semi-open] ✪ may your smile shine on, don't be scared

[Oh okay they're talking about it, that sure is a thing that can happen.]

Bubbale, I couldn't cook for fucking years without getting the shakes. Whatever's, uh, whatever you've got going on is fine. Who gives a shit if you're not down with small spaces, you know?

[He doesn't mean in the who cares about your problems way, but in a things are allowed to be scary kinda way.]

Doesn't make you any less of whatever the fuck you wanna be.

[Whether that's a hero or not.]

[It's stupid, to talk about it, honestly. It's a stupid idea, and the moment Taako stumbles over his words a little while he's responding, Eddie immediately regrets bringing it up again. For a moment, he's quiet, fiddling with his drink, making sure the bottom of the glass is dead center on the coaster, watching the little bubbles make their way up through the cider.

But Taako is being reassuring, awkward or not, and for a moment, Eddie feels strange and vulnerable and a little overwhelmed. Biting at the inside of his lip, he hesitates, eyes flicking up to Taako. It feels like it's been a really long time since someone addressed his issues instead of dismissing them, awkward as it might be, and he's caught somewhere between feeling uncomfortable and almost painfully grateful.]

I was kidnapped. For a couple weeks, almost. The guy tied me to a chair and I was stuck in a small room. I only got out a few days before I died and ended up here. I'm not used to small spaces anymore, but, you know, it'll get better.

[Shrugging awkwardly, he takes a sip of his cider, and smiles at Taako a little, hesitant.]

Thanks.

[Well, shit.

Taako is willing to admit that he's dealt with some pretty messed up shit and lived through it, and not just when he was with the Bureau, there had been plenty of bad things before that, but he's never been kidnapped and tied to a fucking chair for weeks. He's a little lost for words, not sure what to say that can really make any of that better, but not stupid enough to miss that it means something that Eddie's opening up? To him?

Why do people think he's any good at this, because he's not. Until the Bureau he was never around anyone long enough for them to tell him this sorta shit.]

You're welcome? [He laughs, but it's a little unsure, a little awkward.] Not entirely sure what I did, unless we're still talking the rescue, in which case, duh. [The good thing about being the sort of person who talks a lot is that it's perfectly acceptable to ramble a bit while trying to figure out what the hell to say.] Dying's pretty rough, though, right? I super never want to do that again. [Nope, still not right.] I'm, uh, shit. I'm sorry, about happened. That fucking sucks, man.

[He tried so hard and got so far and in the end totally screwed it up anyway.]

[For a few long moments, he's completely silent, awkwardly so, and he immediately and desperately regrets having said a thing. It's a strange line to walk between opening up because Taako is the one he called to rescue him from the elevator, and keeping his cool because they don't actually know each other all that well, and he feels like he's completely fallen to the wrong end of the line.

Especially when Taako suddenly sounds so awkward and uncertain, then rambles about the rescue before commenting about dying. Dancing around the topic like he doesn't quite know how to settle on it. It's a little reassuring that Taako seems to want to help, but Eddie still finds himself almost painfully embarrassed.]

Yeah, of course I meant for the rescue. And, you know, for not immediately jumping up and running for the nearest exit when I overshared. [A wan smile, but he takes a deep breath before moving on, glancing down at his drink.] You've died?

[In the interest of not addressing the point about running away, since it really was tempting and he feels like kind of a dick for even considering it, Taako leaps on the chance to discuss much palatable topics.

Like dying.]

Buncha times, if I'm being honest. There was this whole thing with like, a time loop and a giant worm? Kinda lost track of how many times we got killed, most of 'em Magnus' fault cause he kept blowing us the fuck up. And there's another eight times I don't fucking remember, but according to the grim reaper they happened.

[It's all said so casually, which is either a front or Taako is just really chill about the sheer number of times he's died.

It's the latter.]

[Eddie might not be anywhere near the type of person who would run away from someone in distress, but he also completely understands people who do. He's been a cop long enough to have heard a lot of terrible stuff, and so he thinks he's pretty prepared to listen to almost anything.

That particular conception, however, is seriously challenged when Taako starts talking about his deaths, though. Casually, almost off-handed, like it doesn't matter, he describes being trapped somewhere and killed over and over, by a giant worm or being blown up, and having forgotten other times he died.]

Oh my god.

[The expression on Eddie's face is horrified, and he's almost completely forgotten his own distress (its so much easier to focus on someone else's problems instead of his own).]

That's awful. Are you okay?

Oh, uh...

[He's a little caught off guard by the sheer amount of concern, because it was just a thing that happened, something to get through in order to recover a relic, and really, Refuge was way better than Wonderland.

And unlike Eddie, he didn't stay dead.]

It's cool? I mean, it was-- it hurt like hell or whatever but not for very long before we reset. Just another day at work, ya know?

[The truth is that dying is just different where Eddie comes from. Dying is permanent and terrible, people hurt and grieve and miss the people they've lost. People don't come back from actually dying, not if they've been dead for more than a handful of seconds. It's definitely not anything to be brushed off or flippant about.

Eddie bites his lip, feeling a little embarrassed about his outburst, and he shrugs.]

Damn, your world is...really, really different than mine.

[Lifting his drink, he sips at it again, as if he could draw the attention away from his misstep.]

Oh, don't get me wrong, the shit we put up with isn't even a little bit normal for most people.

[It's actually not really bragging, for once, he's just stating a fact. The Burea of Balance isn't what most people would consider a regular place of employment.]

It's just like, what we're doing actually fucking matters, you know? I'd die a bunch more times to avoid another Phandalin.

[It's a little too honest, that admission, because it means showing that he cares about what they're doing, that he thinks it's important.]

[Eddie's still feeling awkward, keeping his eyes down as he tries to get past the embarrassment of his apparent overreaction to Taako's deaths. For a moment, he busies himself with taking a few sips of his drink, gaze averted, until Taako says that second part. That what they're doing actually matters, and his head jerks up.

Smiling slightly, he nods, eyes dropping again.]

I get that. Believe me. I died for something that matters too. I don't know what a Phandalin is, but...for me it was the lives of everyone I loved, you know?

[Shrugging a little, he stirs his drink with a straw, licks his lips.]

It's nice, to finally understand what it is that matters to you that much, right?

[Neither of them are really good at this, huh? Taako can tell that Eddie is feeling kind of awkward, and he's definitely feeling kind of awkward that he like, admitted he gives a shit about something, since it ruins the whole aloof vibe he has going on.

But he might as well go all in now, since they're sharing.]

We fucked up. In Phandalin. Hundreds of people died 'cause we fucked up.

[They were operating with very little information and trying to do the right thing.

But a lot of people still died, including Noelle. That's on them.]

[The whole aloof vibe might feel safer and cooler to Taako, but to Eddie it's the opposite. Maybe it's something about Eddie's personality, but realizing that something matters to Taako adds a depth to him, makes Eddie feel like he understands him a bit better, and that's attractive to him. Reaching out, a little tentatively, he brushes his fingertips across the back of one of Taako's hands.]

I know it doesn't change anything, but...everyone messes up sometimes. And sometimes it causes a lot of problems, and hurts a lot of people but. [He shrugs a little, glances downward.] It doesn't make you bad. Especially when you talk about it like that.

[His fingertips graze gently against the skin between Taako's knuckles, and he swallows hard before speaking quietly.]

I killed myself.

[This feels so stupid, opening up about something and having someone do the same to him; honesty isn't the easiest thing most of the time, but it always seems to strike at the worst moments. Admitting to Kravitz that was worried no one else would have him comes to mind, and that just makes this whole thing seem more ridiculous.

Eddie admits he killed himself and Taako laughs, not cruelly, not at what happened to Eddie, just in something like disbelief.

He thinks about Hurley, throwing herself into the vines to save Sloane, and it hurts.]

We make a fucking pair, huh? [He hasn't missed Eddie touching his hand and it's an odd little moment of affection that he isn't sure what to do with. Merle is as closed off as Taako, and though Magnus hugs him sometimes, it's all in that aggressively friendly way that Magnus does everything. No one really touches him like this.

Taako turns his hand, almost like he's offering his palm, and his tone softens.] I'm sorry, dude, that sucks.

[Again, it's the opposite for Eddie. It doesn't feel stupid, it feels like a relief. Like there was some sort of weight, some kind of environmental pressure holding him down, making it hard to breathe, and it's lifting a little. Had been since Taako got him out of the elevator. He's not really sure what to make of it, all he knows right now is that it feels good. And surreal. Definitely surreal.

When Taako laughs and says they make a fucking pair, Eddie smiles, but he can't laugh, any sound chokes off in his throat, and unconsciously the hand that's not touching Taako's lifts to his chest, the fingertips brushing over where the scar is.]

Yeah.

[Taako's hand turns, and he brushes his fingertips over the elf's palm, tracing the lines of it almost idly. When Taako says it sucks, he finally manages a laugh.]

Yeah. Yeah it definitely does. [He exhales, hard and a little rough.] And I really wasn't expecting to have to deal with the fallout.

[This would almost be nice if not for the conversation, both the subject matter and the vulnerability that seems to be part and parcel of the whole thing. It feels like a wound ripped open, raw and bleeding and usually he'd rather just bandage it up and move on, not dig his fingers in until it hurts even more.]

It's another chance though, right? You did what you had to and now you still get to live your fucking life, even if it wasn't the one you thought it was gonna be.

[Eddie can stay here, and live. That's better than death.]

[That much they could agree on, and Eddie's fingers trail to Taako's wrist before he presses their palms together and smiles, eyes flicking up to the elf's face.]

You're right.

[He takes a little breath, and then laughs, soft and humorless, obviously a deflection.]

I mean. I get to live a life. Not really my life. You know? But it's better than being dead. It's got to be.

[It's a deflection but he's not inclined to call Eddie on it, both because this is still way too open for his comfort, and because he wants to give Eddie the option to drop the subject if he'd rather.]

As far as I can tell, being dead involves floating around a lake for eternity.
[He smiles, and it's probably a little more sure than Eddie's.] This is way more interesting.

[It's a relief that Taako lets it go, because Eddie thinks if he dove much deeper into this right now, he'd probably end up choking up in the middle of a restaurant, and Eddie never wants to be that guy crying into his beer, no matter whose life he's living. So he swallows, takes a deep breath, and his smile goes a little more solid, less shaky.]

Seriously? Floating on a lake? Not even waterskiing??

[The smile finally gains a semblance of being real, and Eddie's eyes brighten.]

And yeah, I guess it is. I mean, at least I have one constant in my life. Still a cop.

I don't even know what water skiiing is, my man.

[It probably requires a body, though, which souls don't exactly have anymore, not counting Kravitz, who's probably exception.]

But hey, there you go. It's not the fucking ideal situation, for sure, but I'm glad you've got something.

[He's trying.]

Well, I mean, it's pretty much what it sounds like. You strap a board or boards to your feet and a boat drags you around fast enough you can skim on top of the water. It's a lot more fun than it sounds.

[It's easier, this way, talking about more mundane things, like going waterskiing in the afterlife than it is talking about his death and why and how it happened.]

It's definitely something. And I'm...yeah, I'm gonna do my best. No more elevators though, I'm definitely taking the stairs from now on.

No more elevators is the smartest shit you've ever said. I'll drink to that.

[He hasn't moved his hand from where it's resting under Eddie's, but that's fine, he's got another one he can use to lift up his drink for a toast.]

[semi-open] ✪ may your smile shine on, don't be scared

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