riverviewlogs | [semi-open] ✪ may your smile shine on, don't be scared

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[semi-open] ✪ may your smile shine on, don't be scared

who: Eddie Thawne; Tony Stark, Taako Taaco; anyone else
what: catch-all
when: mid to late March, maybe early April
where: Community Housing; out and about
warnings: flashbacks to traumatic situations in trapped threads; probable mention of suicide (heroic self-sacrifice) and violence
notes: Hit me up via PM or on plurk if I have you added if you'd like to thread something, or toss up a starter.

Starters in comments.

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[The truth is that dying is just different where Eddie comes from. Dying is permanent and terrible, people hurt and grieve and miss the people they've lost. People don't come back from actually dying, not if they've been dead for more than a handful of seconds. It's definitely not anything to be brushed off or flippant about.

Eddie bites his lip, feeling a little embarrassed about his outburst, and he shrugs.]

Damn, your world is...really, really different than mine.

[Lifting his drink, he sips at it again, as if he could draw the attention away from his misstep.]

Oh, don't get me wrong, the shit we put up with isn't even a little bit normal for most people.

[It's actually not really bragging, for once, he's just stating a fact. The Burea of Balance isn't what most people would consider a regular place of employment.]

It's just like, what we're doing actually fucking matters, you know? I'd die a bunch more times to avoid another Phandalin.

[It's a little too honest, that admission, because it means showing that he cares about what they're doing, that he thinks it's important.]

[Eddie's still feeling awkward, keeping his eyes down as he tries to get past the embarrassment of his apparent overreaction to Taako's deaths. For a moment, he busies himself with taking a few sips of his drink, gaze averted, until Taako says that second part. That what they're doing actually matters, and his head jerks up.

Smiling slightly, he nods, eyes dropping again.]

I get that. Believe me. I died for something that matters too. I don't know what a Phandalin is, but...for me it was the lives of everyone I loved, you know?

[Shrugging a little, he stirs his drink with a straw, licks his lips.]

It's nice, to finally understand what it is that matters to you that much, right?

[Neither of them are really good at this, huh? Taako can tell that Eddie is feeling kind of awkward, and he's definitely feeling kind of awkward that he like, admitted he gives a shit about something, since it ruins the whole aloof vibe he has going on.

But he might as well go all in now, since they're sharing.]

We fucked up. In Phandalin. Hundreds of people died 'cause we fucked up.

[They were operating with very little information and trying to do the right thing.

But a lot of people still died, including Noelle. That's on them.]

[The whole aloof vibe might feel safer and cooler to Taako, but to Eddie it's the opposite. Maybe it's something about Eddie's personality, but realizing that something matters to Taako adds a depth to him, makes Eddie feel like he understands him a bit better, and that's attractive to him. Reaching out, a little tentatively, he brushes his fingertips across the back of one of Taako's hands.]

I know it doesn't change anything, but...everyone messes up sometimes. And sometimes it causes a lot of problems, and hurts a lot of people but. [He shrugs a little, glances downward.] It doesn't make you bad. Especially when you talk about it like that.

[His fingertips graze gently against the skin between Taako's knuckles, and he swallows hard before speaking quietly.]

I killed myself.

[This feels so stupid, opening up about something and having someone do the same to him; honesty isn't the easiest thing most of the time, but it always seems to strike at the worst moments. Admitting to Kravitz that was worried no one else would have him comes to mind, and that just makes this whole thing seem more ridiculous.

Eddie admits he killed himself and Taako laughs, not cruelly, not at what happened to Eddie, just in something like disbelief.

He thinks about Hurley, throwing herself into the vines to save Sloane, and it hurts.]

We make a fucking pair, huh? [He hasn't missed Eddie touching his hand and it's an odd little moment of affection that he isn't sure what to do with. Merle is as closed off as Taako, and though Magnus hugs him sometimes, it's all in that aggressively friendly way that Magnus does everything. No one really touches him like this.

Taako turns his hand, almost like he's offering his palm, and his tone softens.] I'm sorry, dude, that sucks.

[Again, it's the opposite for Eddie. It doesn't feel stupid, it feels like a relief. Like there was some sort of weight, some kind of environmental pressure holding him down, making it hard to breathe, and it's lifting a little. Had been since Taako got him out of the elevator. He's not really sure what to make of it, all he knows right now is that it feels good. And surreal. Definitely surreal.

When Taako laughs and says they make a fucking pair, Eddie smiles, but he can't laugh, any sound chokes off in his throat, and unconsciously the hand that's not touching Taako's lifts to his chest, the fingertips brushing over where the scar is.]

Yeah.

[Taako's hand turns, and he brushes his fingertips over the elf's palm, tracing the lines of it almost idly. When Taako says it sucks, he finally manages a laugh.]

Yeah. Yeah it definitely does. [He exhales, hard and a little rough.] And I really wasn't expecting to have to deal with the fallout.

[This would almost be nice if not for the conversation, both the subject matter and the vulnerability that seems to be part and parcel of the whole thing. It feels like a wound ripped open, raw and bleeding and usually he'd rather just bandage it up and move on, not dig his fingers in until it hurts even more.]

It's another chance though, right? You did what you had to and now you still get to live your fucking life, even if it wasn't the one you thought it was gonna be.

[Eddie can stay here, and live. That's better than death.]

[That much they could agree on, and Eddie's fingers trail to Taako's wrist before he presses their palms together and smiles, eyes flicking up to the elf's face.]

You're right.

[He takes a little breath, and then laughs, soft and humorless, obviously a deflection.]

I mean. I get to live a life. Not really my life. You know? But it's better than being dead. It's got to be.

[It's a deflection but he's not inclined to call Eddie on it, both because this is still way too open for his comfort, and because he wants to give Eddie the option to drop the subject if he'd rather.]

As far as I can tell, being dead involves floating around a lake for eternity.
[He smiles, and it's probably a little more sure than Eddie's.] This is way more interesting.

[It's a relief that Taako lets it go, because Eddie thinks if he dove much deeper into this right now, he'd probably end up choking up in the middle of a restaurant, and Eddie never wants to be that guy crying into his beer, no matter whose life he's living. So he swallows, takes a deep breath, and his smile goes a little more solid, less shaky.]

Seriously? Floating on a lake? Not even waterskiing??

[The smile finally gains a semblance of being real, and Eddie's eyes brighten.]

And yeah, I guess it is. I mean, at least I have one constant in my life. Still a cop.

I don't even know what water skiiing is, my man.

[It probably requires a body, though, which souls don't exactly have anymore, not counting Kravitz, who's probably exception.]

But hey, there you go. It's not the fucking ideal situation, for sure, but I'm glad you've got something.

[He's trying.]

Well, I mean, it's pretty much what it sounds like. You strap a board or boards to your feet and a boat drags you around fast enough you can skim on top of the water. It's a lot more fun than it sounds.

[It's easier, this way, talking about more mundane things, like going waterskiing in the afterlife than it is talking about his death and why and how it happened.]

It's definitely something. And I'm...yeah, I'm gonna do my best. No more elevators though, I'm definitely taking the stairs from now on.

No more elevators is the smartest shit you've ever said. I'll drink to that.

[He hasn't moved his hand from where it's resting under Eddie's, but that's fine, he's got another one he can use to lift up his drink for a toast.]

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[semi-open] ✪ may your smile shine on, don't be scared

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