Cisco Ramon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
franciscoramon) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
riverviewlogs2017-07-05 03:37 pm
franciscoramon) wrote in riverviewlogs2017-07-05 03:37 pm
[open] it's time to tip it off
who: cisco + anyone!
what: catch-all
when: july
where: anywhere; if you want a starter, please hit me up!
warnings: discussion of sex & drinking
i. tech testing
[ Most of Cisco's work is done within the privacy of his workshop, but there comes a time when he has to leave and find a nice quiet place to actually test some of the tech that he's made. The one time he'd done so outside the wall, things had gone very very badly. So he makes a compromise, finds an alleyway that is within the city but deserted. Sure, he might blow up a dumpster or two and make quite a racket, but he is less likely to get attacked by monsters here, and if anyone disturbs him he can just tell them to clear out.
That's the theory, anyway. But some of the stuff he brought with him might be a bit more powerful than he'd intended... ]
ii. nesting
[ Cisco had been very tentative about his new living situation, at first. He didn't want to get too comfortable, in case Yuri changed his mind, or Eddie got sick of him. But after a few weeks, with no signs that they want him to leave, Cisco starts to think about maybe settling in to his new room. It's fairly stark, still - just a bed, some sheets, and an old couch. All his clothes are still in bags, but the first thing on his list is some dark curtains for the windows. He was never meant to be a morning person.
He can be seen in various shops in the quarantine, looking at furniture, rugs, curtains, etcetera. Cisco's not above asking random strangers for their opinion, either. ]
What do you think, this one or this one?
iii. misc
[ Come plot something! ]
what: catch-all
when: july
where: anywhere; if you want a starter, please hit me up!
warnings: discussion of sex & drinking
i. tech testing
[ Most of Cisco's work is done within the privacy of his workshop, but there comes a time when he has to leave and find a nice quiet place to actually test some of the tech that he's made. The one time he'd done so outside the wall, things had gone very very badly. So he makes a compromise, finds an alleyway that is within the city but deserted. Sure, he might blow up a dumpster or two and make quite a racket, but he is less likely to get attacked by monsters here, and if anyone disturbs him he can just tell them to clear out.
That's the theory, anyway. But some of the stuff he brought with him might be a bit more powerful than he'd intended... ]
ii. nesting
[ Cisco had been very tentative about his new living situation, at first. He didn't want to get too comfortable, in case Yuri changed his mind, or Eddie got sick of him. But after a few weeks, with no signs that they want him to leave, Cisco starts to think about maybe settling in to his new room. It's fairly stark, still - just a bed, some sheets, and an old couch. All his clothes are still in bags, but the first thing on his list is some dark curtains for the windows. He was never meant to be a morning person.
He can be seen in various shops in the quarantine, looking at furniture, rugs, curtains, etcetera. Cisco's not above asking random strangers for their opinion, either. ]
What do you think, this one or this one?
iii. misc
[ Come plot something! ]
no subject
Eddie's voice sounds tense, worried - exactly how Cisco feels. ]
I, um.... lemme check.
[ Cisco knows the answer is 'yes', but he doesn't want to just say that. Maybe he'd missed one, maybe... ]
Stay here, don't move, I'll be back.
[ And he gets to his feet, feeling along the couch, and then breaking off into the much scarier open space away from it. He makes slow progress towards the kitchen, finds the counter with his hip (more gently this time) and feels across the top for more candles. There are none, of course, which he'd already known. But he does find the lighter, which he flicks on with hands that are shaking a little. Had the lights going out really given him that much of a fright?
By the light of that lighter, he makes his way back to the couch, flops down again, a little bit closer to Eddie this time, so his knee is touching Eddie's. Cisco can see that there's not a whole lot of fuel left at the bottom of the lighter, of course, because they have no luck at all. ]
There's no more. [ He worries his lower lip with his teeth, expression regretful and apologetic. ] I shoulda lit them one at a time, and not all at once, like a total fucking idiot. I thought the power'd be back by now.
[ The sound of the rain is still loud as ever, pounding on the roof, and Cisco shivers. Again. Is it just him, or is it weirdly cold, considering how warm the last week or so's weather had been? ]
no subject
Seriously, with the sound of the rain falling and the slight greenish tint to the darkness, the whole thing is super creepy. Wincing a little, Eddie keeps his head turned toward where Cisco is in the kitchen until he sees the sputtering flicker of the lighter going on, and Cisco calls that there's no more, explains why. Eddie shakes his head.]
You're not an idiot, come on. I thought the power would be on a lot sooner than this too. I mean. I don't actually know how long it's been either, because it feels like no time at all. [Eddie smiles up at Cisco as the younger man comes back to the couch, sits down with his leg pressed against Eddie's, and Eddie can see him through the faint flickering orange light of the lighter flame.] It's been nice spending time with you.
[A pause, and he sucks in a breath - he's starting to feel a chill too.]
So, I'm guessing that puts an end to 'I never' but...I know I'm definitely gonna need something to keep my mind off all this once the lighter runs out. Any ideas?
no subject
Probably best. I'm kinda rum-d out.
[ He hasn't forgotten, this time, what Eddie said earlier about the dark. While the lighter is still illuminating them some (though the tiny flame on top is already smaller than it had been), Cisco locks eyes with Eddie, expression grave and purposeful. ]
Hey, Eddie, look at me. I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'll be right here. You won't be alone.
[ The lighter flame sputters once, and Cisco takes that as a sign to snap into action. He moves the aloe and the open bottle of rum onto the coffee table, far enough away that they probably won't knock them over. He grabs the blanket from the other chair in the living room and brings it to the couch. Without saying anything else, he wraps the blanket over his lap, and Eddie's, curls in against his side just as the lighter gives up and goes out. There's a sound of scraping as Cisco tries to relight it, and a few little sparks are visible from the flint, but there is nothing. Cisco tosses it onto the table gently, muttering: ]
So much for that.
[ This time he's the one reaching out, patting around until he finds Eddie's arm and wraps his arm within it, anchoring them together. And he shivers again, asks abruptly: ]
It's like... cold, right? It's not just me?
no subject
[Eddie suspects he's not quite as drunk as Cisco, mostly because he's (apparently) pretty boring and hasn't done anything with his life. Or maybe it's just because he's taller, and more muscular, and that only leaves him trying not to think about the proportions of Cisco's body again, wondering about it...
Cutting off that train of thought, Eddie exhales softly, glances up at Cisco, tries to redirect his brain, but the only thing that he can seem to redirect it to is being worried about the lights going out. Thankfully, when Cisco looks at him, meets his gaze with those dark eyes that reflect the flickering lighter flame, and says that he's not going anywhere, that he won't be alone, it snaps him mostly out of it. For a moment, Eddie feels like he's going to cry, and he just nods, in the last moments of the light, reaching out and taking Cisco's hand, squeezing it hard for just a second.]
I'm not going anywhere either. Together.
[And then the light goes out, and Cisco is in a flurry of activity, disposing of the aloe bottle and the bottle of rum, grabbing a blanket and tucking it around their laps. When Cisco curls in beside him, Eddie instinctively lifts his arm and drapes it around Cisco's shoulder to accommodate his weight and presence. A moment later, Cisco asks if it's cold, and Eddie's shaking his head.]
Definitely not just you. It's getting really cold really fast.
no subject
[ Cisco is still a little shy, hesitant to settle into Eddie's embrace, lean against him too much. He keeps himself a bit stiff, doesn't relax into it the way he'd like. This is just... a matter of convenience, and pragmatism. Doesn't mean anything, and it would actually be pretty awful if he lets himself enjoy it.
He'd already made a plan for how to distract Eddie from their situation: if he hates being alone in darkness and silence, and Cisco can't do anything about the darkness, he's not going to give silence even a little bit of a chance. Fortunately, talking is something he's good at. ]
I hate the cold. I despise it. You know, my family didn't move to Central City until I was like, 10-ish? And it was so much colder, and I swear I just never adapted to it. Snow is nice but the rest of the time, when it's freezing but there's nothing to show for it? The worst. Pretty much between the months of November and April, I'm miserable if I'm wearing less than three coats at any given moment.
[ The temperature apparently hasn't stopped dropping, just because they started talking about it; Cisco's teeth are actually chattering, now. It won't be so bad, once they get used to it, but for now, Cisco just shivers and shivers, enough that his plan to keep on talking without much pause falters. ]
This's gotta be the storm, right? Something to do with the weird storm with the acid and the awfulness that showed up ready to ruin our day for no good reason...
no subject
When Cisco starts talking, Eddie listens carefully, focusing on Cisco's story instead of the cold and the darkness and worrying about the tension that Cisco is still carrying in his body. Eddie can hear the fact that his teeth are chattering a little bit while he talks, and he can feel him trembling slightly, then more and more as the temperature drops. Eddie is feeling really cold too, and he shifts a bit, scoots closer to Cisco.]
Yeah...I mean, I don't know what else could be making it so cold, and of course I'm not wearing socks...god. Do you think we could make it to my bedroom where there's a comforter? I'm f-freezing already. Or we could just-
[A pause, and then Eddie is shifting a bit in the couch to make his torso more accessible, tugging Cisco in closer and rubbing his hand against Cisco's shoulder, trying not to think about it too much.]
Sorry. I know it's uncomfortable but if...if you lean against me and we pull the blanket up, the body heat will...you know...
no subject
Look, it's n-not uncomfortable, for me. [ He speaks firmly, despite the chattering of his teeth. ] I just... d-didn't want to make you uncomfortable. T-too used to Barry and Caitlin and they're pretty big on the whole p-personal bubble thing, me I'm just... an octopus, if I don't reign it in.
[ Cisco clings to Eddie a bit closer as he says that, and it's hard to tell if he can feel Eddie shivering, too, or if that is just himself. Doesn't make much difference. It is so strange, talking to Eddie and feeling him like this but not being able to see him, almost at all. ]
J-just, like. Promise you'll tell me if you n-need space, okay?
[ For a moment or two, Cisco thinks that their combined body heat, even with just the thin couch blanket, will be enough. But there's Eddie's bare feet to think about, and their ears and noses, and he thinks about how his brothers' hands looked after Snart froze them, and shyness doesn't seem as important anymore. ]
I don't know how bad it's gonna get, but I think we should b-bring the blanket from here, and go get all the ones from my room, and take them to your room and b-bundle up on your bed. Hopefully, with the two of us, that'll b-be enough. If it's not... I d-don't know what we're gonna do. We'll cross that icy bridge when we c-come to it.
no subject
Wow, we're quite a pair, aren't we? Trying not to make each other uncomfortable. Honestly, I'm not that big on my personal bubble and I have to watch out to avoid being an octopus too, so.
[Shrugging a bit, he shifts so he can pull Cisco in a bit closer when Cisco clings to him. They're both shivering, and Eddie resists the urge to press his face into Cisco's hair, because it looks so warm and soft and his nose is so cold.]
I'll let you know, though. Promise. If you do the same.
[While Cisco is quiet, Eddie is too, focusing on trying to calm his shivering, trying to think warm thoughts and relax himself, because keeping tense is not going to help. But then Cisco starts to say he doesn't know how bad it's gonna get and they should bring the blankets to Eddie's room and bundle up on his bed, and Eddie nods.]
Alright. I'll come up with you, and we can...we'll figure this out. We're gonna be fine.
[A little smile, and he takes a sharp breath, braces himself and slips out of the blanket, leaving it draped around Cisco's shoulders. Teeth chattering, he stands, reaches back to touch Cisco's shoulder and make sure the younger man is coming along, then heads toward where he knows the stairs to the attic are. Moving as quickly as he can with his sore feet, he starts up the stairs and only pauses at the top to let Cisco head into the room first - it only seems respectful, since that's his space.]
How many comforters do you have? I think there's...there's a s-spare in the hallway closet we could grab on the way by.
no subject
He's glad that Eddie volunteers to come with him the whole way, even gives him the couch blanket for the time being. Cisco clings to Eddie's sleeve as they make their way to the stairs and then up them; when Eddie pauses at the top, Cisco slips by him clumsily to open the door.
It isn't entirely dark, however: there is a scattering of those cheap little glow-in-the-dark stars that Cisco had stuck onto the ceiling, and the wall beside his desk, which are faintly glowing. It's not enough to light up the room, by any means, but it helps Cisco to orient himself. He reaches around for Eddie's wrist, finds it, and pulls Eddie in after him to grab the blanket and comforter from the bed. Cisco bundles them up messily under one arm, crouches down and reaches around under the bed for the spare blanket. ]
Got 'em. B-back down.
[ Cisco doesn't care if it makes him seem clingy, or scared; he keeps close to Eddie, holds tight to his sleeve once more as they make their way back down from the attic. As they're passing by, he reaches out and pulls one of the larger stars off the wall, pulls the tape from the back and just carries it with him. Not a lot of illumination, but it's something.
They stop at the hall closet and Eddie has to be the one who reaches down the comforter. Cisco tries, but it is too high up for him to reach. The floor feels icy on his feet, and he can't imagine how much worse it must be for Eddie. That sends a little spike of fear through his chest and maybe if he weren't a little drunk he would have held it back, but instead he asks: ]
You can still feel your toes, right? It's not cold enough for frostbite, is it?
no subject
It's good, to feel anchored to the warm solidity of someone else's body in the dark. To be reminded that he isn't alone, that Cisco wasn't lying when he said he wasn't going anywhere, and to be able to remind Cisco non-verbally of the same thing. When they stop at the hallway closet, Eddie doesn't let go, pulls down the spare comforter - thick and heavy, a down duvet more than just a comforter, that Eddie had bought because it was on sale - and drags it with them toward his room. Thankfully, it's a pretty short walk.
When Cisco asks if he can still feel his toes, Eddie blinks, and nods.]
Yeah, I can feel them. They feel freezing, but they're definitely...definitely...still there. I don't think this is quite frostbite c-cold, and if it gets there, we'll be under b-blankets together by the time it does. We're g-gonna be okay.
[Eddie offers Cisco a tiny smile, even though it's dark, and squeezes his hand again, shifts to pull him along as he shoulders open the door to his room and heads to the bed.]
The floor's bare, nothing to t-trip over, so don't...don't worry, just...get up here.
[Eddie climbs into the bed, dragging up the duvet and helping to get Cisco's blankets onto the bed.]
How do you wanna do this?
no subject
He hadn't thought it would matter to him, that he was climbing into Eddie's bed. But at the last moment, just for a moment, he pauses. He's about to ask if Eddie's sure, but then he shakes his head, pulling up the blankets and getting in with him. Once he's committed to that, Cisco doesn't hesitate. He doesn't answer Eddie's question of how he wants to do this, merely burrows himself under the covers and then presses in as close to Eddie as he can, facing him. He ends up bumping his nose against Eddie's chest, then drawing back. He tugs at the blankets and duvet and comforters so they cover his head completely.
He also feels around with his own feet for where Eddie's are, and then, without a moments pause, reaches down to pull at the pants of his pjs so he can press his comparatively-warm ankles against Eddie's freezing feet. He doesn't forget about the chemical burns, and he can feel just a touch of tackiness from the dried aloe. He tries not to jostle them too much, while he's warming them up. ]
Frostbite's really bad.
[ Of all the things he could be talking about to fill the silence and cover over the awkwardness, this is probably the worst one, but his filter is compromised from the alcohol. The weight of the blankets is nice, but they are still cool, haven't absorbed any of the heat from both their bodies, and Cisco feels like he's shivering worse than ever. So he just keeps on babbling. ]
After Snart let us go I was the one who took Dante to the hospital so they could save his hands, and the whole way there I kept asking if it hurt and he kept yelling at me that it didn't hurt because he couldn't feel anything.
no subject
Eddie isn't the biggest fan of dark, enclosed spaces, even when those spaces are in his bed and all that's over him is blankets, but right now, it's more important that he catch his breath under the blankets, his warm exhalations adding to the body heat they're pooling together, than it is to keep his head out. It's a bit of a surprise when Cisco pulls at his pants legs and then presses his ankles against Eddie's, and Eddie pulls in a short, sharp, sympathetic gasp of breath at the contact. The contact with the burns stings a little, but the warmth against his feet more than makes up for it.
He only manages a mumbled 'thanks' before Cisco is talking again, about frostbite and how after the encounter with Snart, Cisco had taken his brother to the hospital so they could save his hands. Wincing a little, Eddie instinctively reaches out, catches Cisco's hands again, and squeezes them, rubbing his thumbs against the backs of them, the palms, as if he's rubbing heat into them even though he knows they're not the coldest part of Cisco's body. Eddie can't soothe away the bad memories, but this is the closest he can do.]
Well, I can definitely feel my feet. I can feel how cold they are, and I can feel how warm you are. Thank you. For this...the...you know, letting me leech your body heat. Where are you coldest? My feet are cold, and my legs, but my body's pretty okay. I don't mind if...you know. If you want to get closer.
no subject
We're... both leeching.
[ And then Eddie says he doesn't mind if Cisco gets closer, and he bites at his bottom lip. This would be so much easier if he hadn't had that rum. He could think clearly, then, and quash down any complicated feelings about this whole situation. It's purely pragmatic. He knows that. He ought to treat it that way.
Instead Cisco has the sudden, impulsive thought that if they stay positioned like this he's going to do something stupid like plant a tiny kiss on Eddie's chest and no matter what Eddie had said about personal boundaries that would be way, way, way out of line. So he swallows, makes a decision. He twists around, cautious not to jar against Eddie's burns, twisting so that he's facing away from Eddie. And then, with the distinct and anxious thought that this is probably just as bad, he scoots back a little so that he can press his back to Eddie's chest, line their legs up and keep warming Eddie's chilly feet.
They fit together well (maybe too well) and Cisco tries not to think that. Or to think about how much better this would feel with Eddie's arm wrapped around his waist, Eddie nuzzling against the curve of his neck. He berates himself internally, and decides that the only way not to get carried away is to just keep talking. He pulls that little glow-in-the-dark star from his pocket and sets it onto the bed, just a few inches from their heads. The glow is a faint pale yellow, but it's surprisingly calming. ]
I was kinda worried when I bought these I was gonna put them up in my room and you were gonna see them and think I was super immature, because I know they're for kids, but I always wanted some as a kid, but I was never allowed to have them, and now I'm really glad I said fuck it and got some anyway...
no subject
He can feel the way Cisco nods, and then Cisco is hesitantly saying they're both leeching, and moving, abruptly. Squirming away from him and turning and then moving backward until his back is pressed against Eddie's chest, and for a moment, Eddie is holding his breath. Taako hadn't been the most physically affectionate person, and it's been longer than he'd like since he was cuddled up against someone like this, warm and solid and present in his bed. Squirming forward a little, Eddie lets the length of his torso press against Cisco, the tops of his thighs press against the backs of Cisco's, and tries not to think about how good it feels, how surreal, like whatever is happening right now in the bed will stay here.
Before he can register that thought clearly and hold himself back, he's sliding an arm around Cisco, just below his ribcage, his hand pressing against Cisco's breastbone near the bottom, and he's curling a little more. Cisco is warm and comfortable and when Eddie's brain catches up with what he's doing, he immediately regrets it, thinks it was a stupid idea, but thinks it would be worse to take it back, now, to acknowledge that he shouldn't have done that.
The glow of the star catches his attention, though, and when Cisco speaks, Eddie chuckles a little, his breath stirring Cisco's hair at the back of his head.]
They're not immature. You know, my mom wouldn't let me have them either, when I was a kid, so...you know, I'm glad that you got them too, even without this situation. If I'd seen them, I would've thought they were cool.
[It's good, to talk, because it draws him out of himself, makes him focus on something other than the steady way that Cisco's body moves against him as he breathes.]
no subject
He can feel Eddie's breath, warm and smelling just the tiniest bit of that rum. The vibrations of that chuckle, brief as it was, go from Eddie's chest right into Cisco's back, and it almost hurts, how good it feels to feel Eddie laugh like that. ]
For real? Man, what is it with moms and hating on these things?! It's like a vendetta or something, and they're so cool.
[ That little moment of shared commonality helps to transmute Cisco's general feeling from terror at doing something that might give away his absurd crush, to a kind of bubbly, nervous happiness. It's terrifying, and it's for the wrong reasons, but... Eddie is holding him, talking to him, laughing and cuddling him.
Cisco doesn't notice it as much, but he is starting to shiver a little less, as well. Eddie's body is ridiculously warm: it's been a long time since Cisco has shared a bed with anyone, and he'd forgotten just how warm another person can be. Even then, he wonders if Eddie might run a little hot, compared to some. He just seems to radiate heat. ]
If we don't die of hypothermia tonight I'm gonna go and buy you and bunch of these and help you put 'em up in here. 'Cause I've found that's a totally important part of being an adult, doing all the stuff that your parents wouldn't let you or raised you to look down on or whatever. And I know you hate the dark, anyway, so I'm gonna go to the store and I'm gonna get you a bunch of these, 'cause-
[ And Cisco catches himself just in time before he says 'cause I really really like you, which is what he'd been about to say. It was a near miss, and the momentary lurch of fear that it gives him is apparently just what was needed to cause a vibe. The last thought Cisco has before he's being swallowed up in the blue-tinted vision is that at least Eddie already knows, and at least it will cover for his sudden silence.
Then he feels himself dropping, and he's somewhere he's never been before. It's a big house, formal, intimidating. Like something in a magazine, all high-ceilings and wainscoting and no clutter or mess. He sees a young boy - ten, maybe eleven years old - sitting at a table, bent over his homework. He is short enough that his feet don't reach the ground, and he's swinging them in the chair, drumming his heels against the legs quietly as he works his way through multiplication sets. Cisco doesn't recognize him at first, until he sits up to sharpen his pencil, and Cisco catches a glimpse of his face.
Of course, it is Eddie. Why would it be anyone else, when it had been Eddie he was pressed up against when the vision was triggered? He looks very different - young, and much heavier, his face soft and childlike, but his eyes are the same. His haircut is not doing any favors, and if the clothes he's wearing are the ones that his parents sent him to school in, Cisco can imagine how he would be bullied for them.
The vision doesn't last long - just enough for Cisco to overhear a woman (Eddie's mother? A nanny, or tutor?) saying to stop kicking like that. Then he is back, under the blankets, hears how shallow and ragged his little breaths are as he crashes back into reality.]
no subject
[Cisco can't see him, and Eddie knows it, but he's pretty sure the sardonic smile is pretty obvious in his voice, the tilt and timbre of it. This is nice, the moment of having something in common like that, of being pressed together in the cold and talking about something they both experienced. It helps Eddie relax, his body slowly going boneless leaned up against Cisco's, warm and solid and comfortable, and Cisco's offer to go and buy a bunch of glow-in-the-dark stars for him, to help him put them up in his room, makes his throat go tight for some reason he doesn't entirely understand. The surge of gratefulness catches in his throat, and he squeezes, tightly, as Cisco's voice trails off, making the cuddle into a hug for a second.
A moment later, when Cisco doesn't start talking again or really react, Eddie feels a sudden surge of panic. First, he thinks he'd done something wrong by squeezing like that, that he'd hurt Cisco or made him uncomfortable. The moment that's passed, he recognizes the stillness, the way Cisco is breathing, and pushes up on an elbow, leaning over Cisco, head still under the covers, and licks his lips nervously but doesn't do or say anything until Cisco stirs a little and he can faintly see a flutter of Cisco's lashes in the slight glow from the star. Eddie exhales a sigh of relief.]
Hey. Welcome back. You okay?
[His voice is gentle, and he smiles while he says it even though Cisco probably can't see him.]
no subject
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
[ He reaches out, picking up the glowing star and fussing with it idly, focusing on it as he adjusts to being here again, so close to Eddie. As he processes everything that's just happened. ]
Sorry. Can't help it, y'know.
[ He closes his eyes for a moment. This is only the second time Eddie's ever seen him vibe, and the first time he'd known what was happening while it was going down. When he opens his eyes again, he turns, looks up at Eddie, trying to see what he can of him in the dim dim light. All he sees is the very faint outline of a smile, and Cisco's heart skips a little. How Eddie could possibly see him zone out like that and then smile at him, say "welcome back" in that soft voice, he doesn't know. Cisco lets his head drop down against the bed again, hair falling across his face, and he doesn't even bother to adjust it. ]
I, uh. Saw you. As a little kid. You were like... doing your homework.
no subject
Before Cisco can even get his whole apology out, Eddie is already shaking his head.]
No, come on. You don't have to apologize. I know it's your power, and I know you don't have it under control yet. It's fine. You don't have to apologize for it any more than you would for sneezing, okay?
[But when Cisco says that he'd seen him as a little kid, doing his homework, Eddie's face is suddenly burning, his heart beating hard.]
What? As a kid? Oh man...
[The embarrassment is palpable in Eddie's voice, because telling Cisco what he'd looked like as a kid, what he'd been like as a kid, is one thing, and having him see it is a totally different thing. Groaning a little, he puts a hand over his own face and shakes his head, embarrassed.]
Seriously? That's really, really embarrassing.
[When his hand drops, though, and he looks back down at Cisco, he sees the strands of hair falling across his face in the dim, dim light, and almost without thinking, he reaches up and gently pushes them back.]
So was it little kid edition Eddie, where I looked like Kirby or middle school edition where I was more like Mario?
no subject
But Cisco is distracted from his own guilt by Eddie's anguished little groan and the palpable embarrassment in his voice. And then he's cracking a joke, voice light, but what he actually says makes Cisco's chest ache with sudden, sharp sadness. It's so clear to him, what Eddie's doing. He knows it right down to his bones. ]
Hey.
[ There's a firmness in the way he says that, and a moment later Cisco is awkwardly turning; the space under the blankets is small and constrictive but he gets himself twisted fully so he's facing Eddie again. The little star casts just enough light for him to see that Eddie's face looks flushed, but Cisco can't read his expression. He guesses it's nothing good.
He isn't thinking, much, just reaches out until his fingertips hit Eddie's chest, and he feels his way from there until his hand is cupping Eddie's cheek. It'll have to work, in lieu of real eye contact. ]
Man... I know why you do it, trust me I do. I used to do the whole make fun of yourself before they make fun of you thing, too. All the time. How d'you think I got to be so funny in the first place? But I just- it breaks my heart hearing you say that shit about yourself. Y'know? You were a kid. You looked like a cute little kid, with a real bad haircut, who was bored as shit with his math homework.
no subject
Either way, he doesn't feel he needs an apology. As embarrassed as he might be for Cisco to have seen him as a kid, it's tolerable, it's something he can work past. But then Cisco is reaching out for him, touching his chest and sliding hands up to his face, cupping it, and it's so strangely intimate paired with the knowing things Cisco says that Eddie's heart starts to race. For a moment, he feels some intense connection with Cisco, isn't sure if he wants to kiss him or hug him or just burst out crying, or what that feeling is.]
I guess. I mean. I guess. I just...I don't know. The thought of you seeing me that way...I'm not proud of who I was before I hit around 15...you know?
no subject
[ For a moment, Cisco considers apologizing again, saying that it should have been Eddie's choice, when Cisco saw what he'd looked like back then - whether he ever did at all. But he changes his mind. Eddie's shame right now isn't about Cisco's powers, and he can see that, even through his own intense dislike of them. It's about treating this whole earlier part of his life as a kind of humiliating half-secret. And the last thing Cisco wants to do is encourage him to keep thinking of it that way. ]
Is it weird if I kind of am, though?
[ Cisco moves his thumb a little over Eddie's cheek, feeling the stubble there. He can hear little hitches in Eddie's breath, can tell that he's feeling a lot of stuff right now. He should just drop it, probably. But he keeps on talking, instead. ]
Look. So many of the kids that bullied me weren't the prettiest kids or the smartest kids or the most popular kids. They were kids that got bullied, too, or some that used to get bullied... nerds that got bullied for being nerds, and other poor kids that got bullied for being poor, and fat kids that got bullied for how they looked, too. And anyway, they just turned around and took it out whoever was even lower on the social ladder than them, and that was pretty much always me.
[ Cisco doesn't leave any space for Eddie to jump in and interrupt him, doesn't want to let this become about him and his horrible time in school. There is a point to this little speech, and he's coming up on it, momentum gathering as he approaches. ]
And I probably shouldn't say this, 'cause I'm a little drunk and it's not my business and I know that I don't get to tell you how to feel about being fat as a kid, but to me the fact that you survived all the stuff I'm sure people put you through, and you didn't let it kill you, or turn you mean and horrible and into a bully yourself? That's totally something to be proud of. Way proud.
no subject
Not just for not being a bully, but for not becoming mean. For not becoming a bully once he did have power. And Eddie can't deny that, because he knows himself, he knows that part of the reason he wanted to become a cop was always so he could protect the people like Cisco and him, people who were getting hurt for being marginalized or on the fringes. People who were nerds or poor or gay, people who were vulnerable, who got bullied and attacked, who needed someone to stand up for them. Eddie had always wanted to be that guy.
It had just never occurred to him that it wasn't perfectly natural, a normal human desire, to experience pain and then want to work to keep other people from having to experience that pain. Licking his lips a bit, he just looks at Cisco, and then smiles a bit, slowly.]
Thanks. I...I don't think it's weird, and it means a lot to me, that you think that. That you're proud of me. I mean, I don't really get it, it seems so normal that if you go through something bad you want to help other people who are in that situation. I mean, look at you. You had a hard time, and you reacted by helping people with Barry, it just seems like what people would want to do. But I guess you're right. They don't always want to, that's why we have criminals, I just...
[He shrugs.]
I don't know. I never thought of it the way you said it before.
no subject
And of course, Eddie thinks that. Because Eddie doesn't even see a fraction of how wonderful he is, how rare. I can see it, Cisco thinks, and swallows, not trusting his own voice for the moment. He can see that goodness in Eddie even in the pitchest blackness. He swallows again, grins, and his words are just a touch throaty as he says brightly: ]
Well, that's what you got me for.
[ He swipes his thumb across Eddie's cheek one last time, and then reluctantly pulls his hand away. Cisco doesn't turn away, again; he just scoots in close to Eddie, facing him, and exhales a long sigh. He keeps his arms curled up close to his chest, stays near to Eddie but not touching him, except for their legs. ]
You really were cute, too. I'm not just saying that. You were. If I saw 10 year old you walking down the street today I would totally think, look at that adorable kid.
no subject
Thanks. Though the idea of asking you why I'm good is a little cringey. I promise I am never going to put you on the spot like that. I try not to be that...you know, needy.
[When Cisco lets go of his face and curls his arms up against his chest, Eddie drops his head to the pillow, looking over at Cisco with a slight smile. He can still feel the softness of Cisco's hair against his fingertips, after having pressed it back, it lingers, the ghost of a physical sensation, making him want to feel it again.
The comments about thinking he was a cute kid make Eddie laugh softly, though he's starting to feel chilly again, wants to spoon with Cisco again but isn't sure how to ask, and so he just scoots a bit closer, just enough that their legs tangle a little.]
I guess, maybe, at 10, I can admit that I was sort of cute. Little kids pull off chubby really well. You didn't see me at 14. It's really no wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22 years old.
[Shaking his head, he laughs softly, and tilts his head against the pillow. It's surprising, that he can admit that to Cisco and laugh about it, when he's been embarrassed about it enough that he's never really talked about it.]
I mean, wow, that sounds pathetic but. You know.
no subject
The sound of Eddie's laugh sets off butterflies in Cisco's stomach, as he remembers earlier, feeling that laugh through his back. Is he ever going to be able to hear Eddie laugh and not feel that little jolt of vibrant energy, that brief shock of surprise and happiness? Doesn't feel like it, right now. ]
Doesn't sound pathetic to me. [ Cisco shrugs, pushes at the little star with his fingertip, sliding it back and forth over a few inches of the bed. ] Not like there's a deadline. Honestly, it's not like in movies or whatever. I think a whole lot of people don't have sex or even kiss or really go on dates until they're in their 20s. I know a ton of people like that. Caitlin for one.
[ He knows the circumstances are very different, between the two of them, but he doesn't want Eddie to feel like he's the only one. A shiver goes through Cisco, and he realizes how much colder he's gotten, since he vibed. He lets out a little short sigh of frustration, twisting once more so that he can fit himself against Eddie, and all this tossing and turning is really doing a number on his hair. It gets all into his face, and he's busy trying to swipe it out of his eyes as he goes on: ]
And anyway, earlier's not always better.
[ Cisco isn't thinking enough to suppress the contented little sigh he makes, when he is tucked up against Eddie again, like the little spoon. ]
I hope it was somebody nice?
[ If anybody deserved a nice first time, it was Eddie. Especially now that Cisco knows how many issues he'd had with body image up until that point. And he tries to keep himself from wondering how many partners Eddie had had since then, between that first time and Iris (which he definitely doesn't want to think about for other reasons). How many people had Eddie been with - how many women? Men? When had he figured out he was into dirty cop stuff, of all things... no, he shouldn't think about that. He should erase that from his memory permanently. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)