riverviewlogs | [open] it's time to tip it off

Entry tags:

[open] it's time to tip it off

who: cisco + anyone!
what: catch-all
when: july
where: anywhere; if you want a starter, please hit me up!
warnings: discussion of sex & drinking

i. tech testing

[ Most of Cisco's work is done within the privacy of his workshop, but there comes a time when he has to leave and find a nice quiet place to actually test some of the tech that he's made. The one time he'd done so outside the wall, things had gone very very badly. So he makes a compromise, finds an alleyway that is within the city but deserted. Sure, he might blow up a dumpster or two and make quite a racket, but he is less likely to get attacked by monsters here, and if anyone disturbs him he can just tell them to clear out.

That's the theory, anyway. But some of the stuff he brought with him might be a bit more powerful than he'd intended... ]

ii. nesting

[ Cisco had been very tentative about his new living situation, at first. He didn't want to get too comfortable, in case Yuri changed his mind, or Eddie got sick of him. But after a few weeks, with no signs that they want him to leave, Cisco starts to think about maybe settling in to his new room. It's fairly stark, still - just a bed, some sheets, and an old couch. All his clothes are still in bags, but the first thing on his list is some dark curtains for the windows. He was never meant to be a morning person.

He can be seen in various shops in the quarantine, looking at furniture, rugs, curtains, etcetera. Cisco's not above asking random strangers for their opinion, either. ]

What do you think, this one or this one?

iii. misc

[ Come plot something! ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[In Eddie's opinion, Cisco vibing isn't much different than him sneezing. Maybe it's not 'natural' but it is part of who Cisco is now, it's part of his physiology, part of what his body does reflexively, just like seeing or hearing or sneezing or coughing or the hiccups. But he also knows that Cisco doesn't see it the same way, and that the fact he saw part of Eddie's life makes it a bit different too. The thing is, if he were that concerned about Cisco seeing parts of his life, he'd avoid touching him, and he hasn't. There's nothing Eddie can think of that'd be worse than embarrassing for Cisco to see, and if there's anyone Eddie feels like he could handle being embarrassed in front of, it's Cisco, who has been so gentle and understanding with him when he's been at his worst.

Either way, he doesn't feel he needs an apology. As embarrassed as he might be for Cisco to have seen him as a kid, it's tolerable, it's something he can work past. But then Cisco is reaching out for him, touching his chest and sliding hands up to his face, cupping it, and it's so strangely intimate paired with the knowing things Cisco says that Eddie's heart starts to race. For a moment, he feels some intense connection with Cisco, isn't sure if he wants to kiss him or hug him or just burst out crying, or what that feeling is.]

I guess. I mean. I guess. I just...I don't know. The thought of you seeing me that way...I'm not proud of who I was before I hit around 15...you know?

I know.

[ For a moment, Cisco considers apologizing again, saying that it should have been Eddie's choice, when Cisco saw what he'd looked like back then - whether he ever did at all. But he changes his mind. Eddie's shame right now isn't about Cisco's powers, and he can see that, even through his own intense dislike of them. It's about treating this whole earlier part of his life as a kind of humiliating half-secret. And the last thing Cisco wants to do is encourage him to keep thinking of it that way. ]

Is it weird if I kind of am, though?

[ Cisco moves his thumb a little over Eddie's cheek, feeling the stubble there. He can hear little hitches in Eddie's breath, can tell that he's feeling a lot of stuff right now. He should just drop it, probably. But he keeps on talking, instead. ]

Look. So many of the kids that bullied me weren't the prettiest kids or the smartest kids or the most popular kids. They were kids that got bullied, too, or some that used to get bullied... nerds that got bullied for being nerds, and other poor kids that got bullied for being poor, and fat kids that got bullied for how they looked, too. And anyway, they just turned around and took it out whoever was even lower on the social ladder than them, and that was pretty much always me.

[ Cisco doesn't leave any space for Eddie to jump in and interrupt him, doesn't want to let this become about him and his horrible time in school. There is a point to this little speech, and he's coming up on it, momentum gathering as he approaches. ]

And I probably shouldn't say this, 'cause I'm a little drunk and it's not my business and I know that I don't get to tell you how to feel about being fat as a kid, but to me the fact that you survived all the stuff I'm sure people put you through, and you didn't let it kill you, or turn you mean and horrible and into a bully yourself? That's totally something to be proud of. Way proud.

[About halfway through what Cisco says, his voice gentle and his thumb stroking across his cheek, Eddie gets where he's going with this. Understands that Cisco is going to commend him for not having been a bully, and he's about to protest that there just hadn't been anyone beneath him, not at his school, but Cisco keeps going anyway, keeps talking and saying it's not any of his business, that he doesn't get to tell him how to feel, that he's only saying it because he's drunk, but that he's proud of him for having gotten through it without becoming mean and horrible himself.

Not just for not being a bully, but for not becoming mean. For not becoming a bully once he did have power. And Eddie can't deny that, because he knows himself, he knows that part of the reason he wanted to become a cop was always so he could protect the people like Cisco and him, people who were getting hurt for being marginalized or on the fringes. People who were nerds or poor or gay, people who were vulnerable, who got bullied and attacked, who needed someone to stand up for them. Eddie had always wanted to be that guy.

It had just never occurred to him that it wasn't perfectly natural, a normal human desire, to experience pain and then want to work to keep other people from having to experience that pain. Licking his lips a bit, he just looks at Cisco, and then smiles a bit, slowly.]

Thanks. I...I don't think it's weird, and it means a lot to me, that you think that. That you're proud of me. I mean, I don't really get it, it seems so normal that if you go through something bad you want to help other people who are in that situation. I mean, look at you. You had a hard time, and you reacted by helping people with Barry, it just seems like what people would want to do. But I guess you're right. They don't always want to, that's why we have criminals, I just...

[He shrugs.]

I don't know. I never thought of it the way you said it before.

[ Cisco can see just enough to catch the movement, when Eddie smiles. It's a relief; he'd been sure for a moment there that he'd messed up, that he'd overstepped and everything would be awkward and miserable. But Eddie smiles, and thanks him, and talks about how it only seems natural to him that he would take the struggles he'd been through and transform them into a desire to help people.

And of course, Eddie thinks that. Because Eddie doesn't even see a fraction of how wonderful he is, how rare. I can see it, Cisco thinks, and swallows, not trusting his own voice for the moment. He can see that goodness in Eddie even in the pitchest blackness. He swallows again, grins, and his words are just a touch throaty as he says brightly: ]

Well, that's what you got me for.

[ He swipes his thumb across Eddie's cheek one last time, and then reluctantly pulls his hand away. Cisco doesn't turn away, again; he just scoots in close to Eddie, facing him, and exhales a long sigh. He keeps his arms curled up close to his chest, stays near to Eddie but not touching him, except for their legs. ]

You really were cute, too. I'm not just saying that. You were. If I saw 10 year old you walking down the street today I would totally think, look at that adorable kid.

Edited 2017-07-30 04:26 (UTC)

[It's something Eddie can see in Cisco too, that goodness, something he appreciates and it's probably a good bit of why they get along so well now that they're actually talking more. When Cisco says 'that's what you got me for' in that slightly throaty voice, Eddie's smile widens a bit more, cheek lifting with it under the press of Cisco's thumb.]

Thanks. Though the idea of asking you why I'm good is a little cringey. I promise I am never going to put you on the spot like that. I try not to be that...you know, needy.

[When Cisco lets go of his face and curls his arms up against his chest, Eddie drops his head to the pillow, looking over at Cisco with a slight smile. He can still feel the softness of Cisco's hair against his fingertips, after having pressed it back, it lingers, the ghost of a physical sensation, making him want to feel it again.

The comments about thinking he was a cute kid make Eddie laugh softly, though he's starting to feel chilly again, wants to spoon with Cisco again but isn't sure how to ask, and so he just scoots a bit closer, just enough that their legs tangle a little.]

I guess, maybe, at 10, I can admit that I was sort of cute. Little kids pull off chubby really well. You didn't see me at 14. It's really no wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22 years old.

[Shaking his head, he laughs softly, and tilts his head against the pillow. It's surprising, that he can admit that to Cisco and laugh about it, when he's been embarrassed about it enough that he's never really talked about it.]

I mean, wow, that sounds pathetic but. You know.

[ Cisco thinks to himself that there's a hell of a lot worse out there than needy, but he doesn't say that out loud - even if he did, he doubts it would change Eddie's mind one bit. That's just a part of who Eddie is, he suspects. And all that means is Cisco is going to have to keep on being the friend who figures out when Eddie needs to be encouraged, without Eddie needing to ask for it. He's got some practice with that, and hopes that maybe he'll keep on being pretty decent at it, in the future.

The sound of Eddie's laugh sets off butterflies in Cisco's stomach, as he remembers earlier, feeling that laugh through his back. Is he ever going to be able to hear Eddie laugh and not feel that little jolt of vibrant energy, that brief shock of surprise and happiness? Doesn't feel like it, right now. ]

Doesn't sound pathetic to me. [ Cisco shrugs, pushes at the little star with his fingertip, sliding it back and forth over a few inches of the bed. ] Not like there's a deadline. Honestly, it's not like in movies or whatever. I think a whole lot of people don't have sex or even kiss or really go on dates until they're in their 20s. I know a ton of people like that. Caitlin for one.

[ He knows the circumstances are very different, between the two of them, but he doesn't want Eddie to feel like he's the only one. A shiver goes through Cisco, and he realizes how much colder he's gotten, since he vibed. He lets out a little short sigh of frustration, twisting once more so that he can fit himself against Eddie, and all this tossing and turning is really doing a number on his hair. It gets all into his face, and he's busy trying to swipe it out of his eyes as he goes on: ]

And anyway, earlier's not always better.

[ Cisco isn't thinking enough to suppress the contented little sigh he makes, when he is tucked up against Eddie again, like the little spoon. ]

I hope it was somebody nice?

[ If anybody deserved a nice first time, it was Eddie. Especially now that Cisco knows how many issues he'd had with body image up until that point. And he tries to keep himself from wondering how many partners Eddie had had since then, between that first time and Iris (which he definitely doesn't want to think about for other reasons). How many people had Eddie been with - how many women? Men? When had he figured out he was into dirty cop stuff, of all things... no, he shouldn't think about that. He should erase that from his memory permanently. ]

[It doesn't really occur to Eddie that it might be a burden, not asking, that he might be forcing Cisco to pay more attention to him than he would be otherwise, putting in more effort than he should have to. But honestly, his first thought is just that Cisco won't have to worry about comforting him at all, because he won't be obligated to. After all, Eddie is not used to people wanting to comfort him, to take care of him. So it catches him off-guard a little when Cisco reassures him that it doesn't sound pathetic that he didn't lose his virginity until he was 22, lets him know that he knows a few people who hadn't either. Eddie manages a smile, and tilts his head, eyes on Cisco's face, making out the lines of it, trying to read his expression in the last bits of the star's glow.]

Thanks. It's nice to know I'm not the only one without any game. The only one in this bed, though, that's for sure.

[A moment after he's said it, he realizes how awkward the wording was, how bad that sounds, and winces a bit to himself, huffing a breath out. It's almost a relief when Cisco starts squirming again and twists to fit them back into the spooning position. Cisco's hair is a mess, Eddie can feel it against his mouth and cheek, and he closes his eyes for a moment, enjoying the sensation, before lifting his hand and gently tugging it away from Cisco's cheek, downward and out of the way, then settling his arm around Cisco again. It's warmer this way, by a wide margin, and Eddie makes a soft contented sigh of his own.]

Yeah, she was pretty nice. I mean, it wasn't super memorable besides being my first time, but 'memorable' has at least a 50/50 chance of being bad-memorable, so I'll take it.

[Tilting his head forward, Eddie breathes downward, into the slight space between their bodies, his fingers idly moving against Cisco's chest through his clothing, mindless.]

[ Cisco snorts when Eddie says he has game, shaking his head just a little, though not enough to dislodge the hair that Eddie has so helpfully just gotten out of his face. 'Having game' to Cisco implies suaveness, confidence, and skill, none of which (he is certain) he possesses. He thinks that really it was more a matter of having no standards and, for a few years there, no self-respect to speak of. But he'd already said way too much earlier about his whole slutty phase, and made things weird and uncomfortable between them. He doesn't want to open up that can of worms again.

So he lets it go, and listens to Eddie talk about the first woman he'd slept with. It wasn't like Cisco was hoping for salacious details (well, maybe some tiny uncooperative little corner of his brain was), but "pretty nice" and "not super memorable" is very vague, indeed. ]

Non-bad-memorable is good. I don't think anyone super loves it the first time, anyway. Too much... anxiety and awkwardness and... not knowing what the hell you're doing.

[ Cisco can feel Eddie's breath against the back of his neck, just barely stirring the hair caught between them. But that's nowhere near as distracting as the little movements of Eddie's fingers over his chest. Cisco's breath catches in his throat, but Eddie keeps on doing it. He doesn't even seem to notice that he's doing it, and Cisco is suddenly panicking again. Should he ask Eddie to stop? Probably, but he doesn't know how to do it without making things weird. If he were only thinking more clearly he could come up with a way: a way to do it and make it into a joke and play the whole thing off so cool.

Instead he just lies there, hand curling against the bedsheet, heart hammering away. It is so much warmer lying like this, but the downside is that there is just so much of Eddie's body touching his. And Cisco really didn't need to know just how much he'd be able to feel the muscles of Eddie's arm, when they're tucked against his side like that. Or how their legs would feel tangled together. Or how Eddie would look smiling softly and looking at him from a pillow a few inches away. Or any of this. ]

Mine was, um. A guy. [ Oh no, why did he start talking about this, he is making things exponentially worse. Time to abort. ] Not really memorable, either. Just messy.

[ HE'S MAKING IT SO MUCH WORSE. ]

[There's not much he can say to counter Cisco's headshake, denying that he's got game, because literally anything Eddie could say to disagree would be to admit that he's been feeling weirdly super attracted to Cisco tonight, that with the rum in his system and the way Cisco treats him, he's had no less than 2 moments where he really wanted to kiss Cisco tonight. In his mind, that's definitely game, considering how against that kind of thing Eddie's been feeling since Taako. But there's no way to say that without incriminating himself, so Eddie chooses to keep it quiet for now.

Instead, he just listens to Cisco's feedback on what he'd said about his first time, about how he doesn't think anyone loves it the first time because of the anxiety and awkwardness and being confused about what to do. Eddie laughs a bit, eyes sinking shut, and he makes a little hum of agreement, fingers shifting against Cisco's chest still. He's not paying attention to it, not really, but the affirmation of Cisco's solid heat, the life in him, the fact that there is someone alive pressed close against Eddie, that he's not alone, is invaluable. It's why he's relaxed, why he's calm, why he can mentally work his way through the fact that he's hungry in the dark without panicking. He can feel the beat of Cisco's heart through his chest, feel the rise and fall of his ribcage as he breathes, all of it is clear and obvious and reassuring in the most basic, human way possible.]

Really? With a guy...I guess I just always found it easier to find girls to hook up with. Tell me about yours and I'll tell you about mine?

[He can't deny he's interested in what Cisco means by 'messy,' but it's also an excuse to keep talking, to keep Cisco's voice coming in the darkness. It's warm under the blankets, now, finally, though Eddie is vaguely aware of the fact that the cold is trying to creep through, even as the duvet and Cisco's warm body keep it at bay.]

[ Cisco is thinking hard right now about how weird it is that people's mouths and throats feel dry when they are nervous. What possible evolutionary benefit could that offer? Why had he never asked Caitlin about it? She's a doctor, she definitely must know. And it's much better to focus on that mystery than it is to think about the way he can feel the little paths that Eddie's fingertips have traced, even after they've moved on. Like the idle looping patterns have been burned into his skin. ]

Yeah... yeah maybe that's, uh, the age thing? Girls cared more about me being younger than guys did. I mean, not always, but. It was a statistical trend. Once I was about nineteen things evened out.

[ Cisco shifts, gnawing on his lip, half-tempted to tell Eddie to go first. But then, he thinks, he'll just spend the whole time not really listening and worrying about what he's going to say and how he'll explain it, so in the end he just dives in. It's easy to keep talking once he starts, and he doesn't really leave any space for Eddie to interrupt. ]

Okay, but I'm warning you, mine's pretty boring. I was, uh. When I was 15 I was trying to save up for college and one of my summer jobs was biking around town delivering pizzas. It was really late, my last run of the night, maybe like midnight? And it was five extra large Hawaiian pizzas, and I assumed somebody was having a party, but I showed up and it was just one guy. I actually knew him a little, he and my brother were kind of friends for a while, but then they had a huge fight and he punched Dante in the face and then they like, never spoke again.

[ Cisco realizes about then that he's never actually told this story before. He's probably doing way too much set-up, just rambling and boring Eddie, but then he remembers that Eddie hates the silence, anyway, and he doesn't feel as bad. And it's kind of a funny story, after all. ]

Anyway, he said he hadn't ordered any pizzas and it must've been somebody's idea of a prank, but he agreed to pay for them anyway which totally saved my ass because otherwise it would be a total hassle. I'm not like, 100% sure that was true, actually, like... I kinda think he might've ordered them because he knew I did the late deliveries, and then pretended not to. Or maybe not, I don't know. Anyway, it was my last delivery he invited me in and gave me a beer, and I didn't have a fake ID yet so I thought that was the coolest ever. He lived with his uncle but he said he wasn't in town that week, so we could do whatever we wanted. And I knew my parents weren't gonna notice if I was late, so we played some video games and had a few more beers and then outta nowhere he just kinda... started kissing me, and y'know. We fooled around a bit.

[ For all that Cisco had called the encounter unmemorable, he does seem to remember quite a lot about it. He gives a little shrug, says: ]

It wasn't like, bad or anything, but like I said I didn't know what I was doing yet so it wasn't exactly mind-blowing. I left a couple hours later and he gave me one of the pizzas to take home, and I didn't really see him a lot after that. I tried calling a few times and he didn't call back. I went by his house for a few deliveries but he was always pretty icy so I figured probably internalized homophobia and all of that, so I just kind of... gave up.

[Eddie is quiet, listening to the story as Cisco tells it, making soft hums in his throat to acknowledge things, but about the time he mentions that the guy was alone and invited him in and offered him a beer, at 15, Eddie falls silent. He keeps breathing, keeps touching Cisco's chest, but he just listens, takes it in and tries to compartmentalize the growing horror and retroactive anger at this guy. Because Eddie can see it clearly, the manipulation. Ordering a large amount of pizza from a delivery boy he knew would be coming by alone, who he sort of knew, whose brother he'd had a fight with. Giving someone only 15 years old several beers before coming onto him, apparently out of nowhere, and Cisco doesn't mention being asked or anything.

Eddie can feel the shrug, and when he finishes the story off by saying the guy never got hold of him, never talked to him afterward, that he was icy cold and shut him out, and he can't help knowing, just from experience, that the guy had done it as revenge against Dante, or because taking advantage of a drunk kid was easy. Especially a drunk kid all alone at midnight whose parents didn't care where he was. Eddie knows, he knows that underage kids drink and have sex all the time and that even if it's illegal it isn't always bad, but this...this isn't that, it's something else, and he feels a protective surge, unconsciously presses closer to Cisco as if he could port back in time to tell him he deserved better, squeezes an arm around his middle gently, palm flat against the base of Cisco's sternum.]

Wow.

[He manages not to let any of the anger or shock sound in his voice, because he knows Cisco would take that the wrong way, would think Eddie was judging him or something, and he's not. He's judging the guy who'd done all of that.]

That's pretty cold. And it makes my first time sound really, really boring. I was literally at a club on my 22nd birthday, I was pretty drunk and I kept dancing with this girl and buying her drinks. I thought she was really hot, you know? Tan skin, long gorgeous dark hair, a really good butt, but some of the guys I was there with said some rude stuff about her, so...I dunno. I thought she was gorgeous. Anyway, when she found out I was a birthday boy she came home with me and we...you know. She was gone when I woke up in the morning, and I think I probably totally embarrassed myself, but it was...pretty good, for a first time. I think.

[ Cisco doesn't really know what he'd expected from Eddie, after hearing that story. A joke, a question or two, some commentary that is a little more than "that's pretty cold". Cisco feels a little twist of... something in his stomach. Embarrassment? Regret? He probably had said way more than he needed to, and Eddie doesn't want to risk him rambling on any more. But he feels the way Eddie presses in close, squeezing him a little in a kind of one-armed hug. That makes Cisco's throat feel just a touch tight, for a moment, and he's glad that Eddie starts talking, then, and he doesn't have to for a bit.

He's braced for Eddie's story to be at least a little pathetic (not that Cisco would ever call it that to Eddie). But it's just so... normal. At a club with his friends, getting his drink on, on his birthday no less. The only thing that makes it stand out is Eddie refusing to listen to his friends being assholes. And isn't that just like Eddie? That brings a smile to Cisco's lips; he turns his face a little towards the bed to hide it as much as he can, in case Eddie catches a glimpse. ]

Figures you were always super chivalrous.

[ He means to say it as a joke, but there is such warm fondness in the words: a whole lot more than Cisco had meant there to be. Hearing that, he moves on quickly, face heating: ]

I uh- I didn't realize you like dancing so much.

[ He'd known that Taako and Eddie met at one of the dance parties here, but... there are a lot of dance parties, here. That could have been a coincidence. But apparently Eddie used to go out dancing in the clubs, and for one brief moment, Cisco's kind of sad he never bumped into him in one of them. Not like Central City has all that many, anyway. What would it have been like, if he had? ]

Sounds pretty damn good to me. I bet you didn't embarrass yourself, I bet you're just being modest-

[ Oh, no, he hadn't thought about how that would sound before he said it. Cisco had been too distracted trying not to think about the fact that Eddie likes tan skin and dark hair and partners with good butts, and wondering if any of those could ever apply to him, and he'd forgotten to watch his mouth. ]

Uh- what was her name? You ever see her again?

[ Neither of which are things he really needs to know, he'd just wanted to say SOMETHING as a distraction. ]

Edited 2017-07-30 20:35 (UTC)

[Eddie feels a bit bad for not saying more about Cisco's story, but he honestly can't, not without giving away how upsetting it was to hear about Cisco being taken advantage of. So he lets the topic go and focuses on his story, which is a little sad because he always thought that girl was totally giving him a pity fuck on his birthday, because at least it doesn't make him angry.

But Cisco is saying he was always chivalrous, doesn't seem to think the whole thing was pathetic, and Eddie laughs.]

I don't know about chivalry, I'm pretty sure it was total pity sex. She was way too hot for the likes of me.

[It sounds fond, and he smiles while he's speaking; the fondness only increases when Cisco says he didn't realize he liked dancing so much, and he laughs softly, again.]

Yeah. I never really did it much in Central City, but before I transferred, back in Keystone right before my promotion, I used to go out a lot. It's just something I enjoy a lot, always have. It's about the only artistic or creative thing I can do, you know? We should go sometime, dancing. If you like it, I mean. You just struck me as the sort of guy who enjoys dancing.

[His voice is still warm and fond, and he relaxes a little bit, laughing again when Cisco says that he doubts he embarrassed himself.]

Well, I came in about thirty seconds, but I like to think I made up for it once she taught me how to go down....

[Clearing his throat, he changes the subject, cheeks going red.]

Sorry, I know, TMI, right? Anyway. No, I never saw her again and I never got her name, but...you know, I take back what I said earlier. Now that I'm thinking about it, it was a really good first time.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[open] it's time to tip it off

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