riverviewlogs | [open] don't know where i am, don't know where i've been

Entry tags:

[open] don't know where i am, don't know where i've been

who: cisco + anyone!
what: catch-all; tdm prompts
when: the rest of june
where: anywhere; if you want a separate starter, please hit me up!
warnings: will add as necessary

i. monster plants

Cisco isn't a member of the Perimeter Guard for a reason. He's just not a front-lines kind of guy. He'd get in the way, put himself and the people around him in unnecessary danger. But when Killer Vines From Hell™ start coming over the wall and mayhem breaks out, he has to help somehow. Back home he'd do that from the safety of S.T.A.R. Labs, over the coms, with Barry facing down the real danger. Here, he has to improvise.

He gets close enough to the fighting to pull aside one of the Guard members who is resting and to ask what weapons have been working. And when one of the answers he's given is fire, Cisco knows what he has to do. He rushes back to his workshop, and to a few stores, comes running back as close as he dares to the fighting, and starts to whip up as many fast-and-dirty flamethrowers as he possibly can. The more he can make, the more he can give to people to help defend themselves and defend the Quarantine.

ii. attraction

After the whole Little Shop of Horrors mess at the wall, Cisco heads home for a very needed shower. He doesn't know, yet, that some of those very same experimental chemicals that had brought the plants over the wall had seeped into the ground, into the water supply.

And because he is such a naturally friendly, extroverted person, Cisco doesn't realize that anything is off for quite some time. All he knows, after he gets dressed and heads out for a celebratory meal, is that he's feeling acutely lonely, that he just needs to see a familiar face, or strike up a conversation with a stranger if he has to. He sends out over-affectionate texts of appreciation and jokes and fondness to his friends, but that isn't nearly enough.

iii. repellant

They do their best to clean up the area of the spill as quickly as possible, and Cisco does his bit. But a few days after the worst of it, as he's walking past, he can still smell it lingering in the air. And this time, unlike when it had gotten into his system via the water, it has quite the opposite effect. Without quite realizing it, the stuff puts Cisco on edge.

How could they have been so careless with such a dangerous project? Did they not realize what would happen? What if those plants had killed people? There are children living here, and civilians, and people who never hurt anyone in their lives. Was it criminal negligence, or did the scientists involved just not care about collateral damage? (The way Dr. Wells had not cared, when he set off the particle accelerator explosion, just to further his own ends).

The idiocy and injustice of it keep churning away in Cisco's mind, putting him in an uncharacteristically foul mood. Better not bump into him, while he's like this, or you're likely to get a piece of his mind.

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Kind of.

[ Even though Eddie is his closest friend by far in this place, it's still a challenge to make himself open up, especially about something as embarrassing as this. It goes against everything about the person that Cisco wants to be. If he could only will himself to be different than he is...

But that's a foolish wish, and he knows it. And Eddie is watching him with that patient, open face of his. Cisco glances at him and away again. He half-turns his back and sighs heavily. ]

A couple of nights ago I had one of those dreams I get, y'know? About, um. Dr. Wells killing me. And I woke everybody up screaming my head off. I mean, from the way they were all looking at me I probably woke the whole damn building up. [ Okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but even so. ] Only they couldn't get me to snap out of it and stop crying, since it wasn't really a nightmare, it was a vision, and when I get those nothing's gonna snap me out.

[ Cisco takes the bag of food from Eddie without making eye contact, and starts to pull out the various little dishes, setting them up on the space he'd cleared on the desk. ]

I don't want anyone finding out I have powers, you know? But that's gonna be real hard if anything like that ever happens again. And besides... they all look at me different, now, so I just. Can't really bring myself to go back there.

[It's easy to see how difficult this is for Cisco - he can see how he struggles with it, how he holds himself a little stiff, his shoulders tense and slightly hunched, the muscles in his arms and down his back tight. Everything about his posture suggests he's trying not to give in to the flight part of fight or flight.

But Cisco sighs and then he starts talking, a little hesitant. He avoids eye contact, but he speaks, he explains what it is that has him looking so tired and sleeping on a busted couch in his lab. The more he talks, the more Eddie feels sick for him, at the thought of going through that. The idea of Cisco falling into one of those dreams, screaming and crying in his sleep, with no one able to wake him up, makes him feel a little desolate inside.

So he stays still, his hand going slack after Cisco pulls the food from his hand and starts setting it up. His brows furrow as Cisco explains that he doesn't want anyone to know he ha powers, and that he's been sleeping here so no one sees if he has those nightmares. To avoid being looked at differently. But it's the way Cisco says he can't bring himself to go back there that really cinches it.]

I have a room in the attic of the apartment I'm renting, if you want to stay there.

[He blurts it out, his eyes a little wide, and then he steps forward, looking intently at Cisco's face.]

I mean, you'd have to deal with living with Yuri, who's kind of an obnoxious teenager, but he has a cat that's a great cuddler and it would be quiet and private, and if you chipped in for rent and stuff, I'd totally be wiling to make extra food for you too...

[ Cisco stops fussing with the food and just looks at Eddie for a moment, disbelieving. There's no mistaking that first response: the naked confusion at being made such an offer. After a few moments he recovers his composure and pulls on a little smile that doesn't quite reach his tired eyes. ]

For real? You sure about that? Did you miss the bit about the really, really loud screaming in the middle of the night?

[ But Eddie doesn't stop him and say 'just kidding', and the way he'd listed the drawbacks to living with him sounded like he really wanted Cisco to consider it as a possibility. He lets himself think about it. The truth is, even if the communal housing is a no-go, Cisco's not been looking forward to living alone. And Eddie already knows about his powers. If it ever came down to it, Eddie could cover for him with Yuri. ]

I... do you really mean it?

[ Cisco meets Eddie's eyes again, expression quiet and unsure. He doesn't think that Eddie would tease him about something like this, but he also thinks that maybe Eddie spoke in haste. Maybe it was a moment of pity, and after two days he would regret it and start to resent Cisco and his presence.

He looks sidelong at the couch, thinks about the trouble he's had finding a place that he liked for just one. And he swallows, hands fidgeting together nervously even while the rest of him is still. ]

I've got more money than I know what to do with here so rent wouldn't be a problem. I love cats, and Yuri's okay. He seems like he'll be a good guy when he ages out of his whole edgy phase. I could... if it has a door, I could put up soundproofing in the attic and that way you won't have to worry.

[ Maybe that's not the greatest sign, that Cisco seems so certain soundproofing would be needed. ]

Are you sure?

[For a moment, Eddie's completely caught off guard by Cisco's response, the way he goes still and stares at him, eyes wide and dark, and then he smiles in a fake sort of way. A few scrambled, pannicked moments pass while Eddie kicks himself repeatedly for probably screwing up and blurting out stupid things he shouldn't have said at all, tries to figure out how to backpedal from overstepping whatever boundary he'd crossed without hurting the friendship.

And then Cisco is verifying, his voice quiet and a little hesitant, his eyes meeting Eddie's, and the vulnerable uncertainty makes Eddie's throat choke up a little bit with empathy.]

Of course I mean it. It's not like anyone else in the apartment is totally together. I have nightmares. Yuri barely sleeps at night sometimes, because he's going through an existential crisis - please don't tell him I said that, by the way, because he doesn't want to admit it. But I find him on the couch in the morning all the time with a cold cup of chamomile tea in his hand and the cat on his chest and...

[Eddie shakes his head, swallows hard.]

Look. No one's okay all the time. We're all lonely and struggling, and yeah, the room has a door and if you want to soundproof, you can. Just...don't worry about not being okay. It's okay to not be okay.

[ Maybe it's a touch hypocritical, or at least foolish, but Cisco is shocked by the offhand, casual way Eddie says I have nightmares. He tosses it off like it's nothing, but at the same time it's obvious he doesn't just mean the amount of nightmares that the average person would have. He means that he has them habitually, and bad enough to mention, but that it's just the way things are. And while Cisco can accept his own sleep disturbances as a necessary inconvenience, hearing that Eddie has nightmares makes his chest feel tight with worry.

And even Yuri, too - Cisco's not friends with him, or anything, but he is just a kid. What must he be, sixteen? Fifteen? Cisco remembers how hard that age was.

The tactic that Eddie chose is certainly effective; it's reassuring, knowing that if he accepts he won't be moving into an apartment with two people who have their shit together completely. But Cisco is so unaccustomed to having someone stop and actually offer him help - concrete help, with no strings attached - that he isn't sure how to respond at first. ]

I.... I mean, do you think Yuri'll be okay with it?

[ He doesn't know what it is that makes him hesitant like this. It's a better offer than he ever would have expected. What is it in him that compels him to look for the downside when it seems like there isn't one? ]

Maybe we could try just for a week. Like, um, a beta test. A week to see if it works or not, and at the end if you change your mind, no problem.

[It's impossible to miss the response to his comment, the way Cisco's eyes widen a little, the way he stares for just a few seconds. Shifting a little anxiously on his feet, Eddie tries to understand why he suddenly feels so awkward about it - he'd never really minded sharing that kind of thing before, hadn't minded until Cisco was suddenly looking at him that way, and now he wants to change the subject, because he feels conspicuous, vulnerable.

Licking his lips nervously, he glances downward, and when Cisco asks if Yuri will be okay with it, he exhales sharply and looks back up.]

I think so.

[Another exhale, while he tries to work out what it is that's making him feel weird about that moment of shock on Cisco's face when he'd admitted he has nightmares. It takes him a few moments to realize that it's because he's mentioned nightmares before, to other people, and no one ever looked at him like that. Like it was a serious problem, something worth being shocked over, and not just a passing comment, barely even interesting.

For some reason, that leaves his throat feeling tight, his and he glances up again when Cisco says he could try it for a week.]

If you want to give it a test-run for Yuri's sake, that's fine. But honestly, I don't think it's going to be a problem. And you know, it would probably be good for us to live with someone from home. You and me. You know?

[He licks his lips again, swallowing hard.]

Just give it a try?

[ Cisco hesitates for just a second or two more, but then he nods. Then all at once he swoops in and hugs Eddie, brief but tight. Eddie can say all he wants about how it'll be mutually beneficial, but Cisco knows that he's the one who is getting the best deal. He was the one who needed help, and Eddie was the one who offered it. ]

Don't let the workshop fool you, okay, I can be totally neat if I need to be.

[ And Cisco drops into his chair, his hesitation and uncertainty receding to the background, and underneath there is elation and gratitude. He opens up the last of the food containers, picks himself up a fork, and dives in. He hasn't been eating very well for the last few days, either, and all of a sudden he's noticing how hungry he is. ]

I never saw your place back in Central City, where did you live anyway?

[ As they eat, the two of them chat pleasantly about where their apartments had been (and they were actually surprisingly close), the various nightmare studios they had seen while they were hunting for a place to live, the worst neighbors they'd had, etcetera. Eddie was right - even when there are people here who get his pop culture references, it's really not the same as talking to someone from home. Someone who knows the particular irritations and quirks of Central City, without Cisco needing to explain at all.

After they're done eating, and Cisco's cleared away the dishes, a little of that earlier uncertainty and awkwardness creeps back into him. He glances at the backpack full of clothes he's been living out of, where it's sitting near the couch, and he asks: ]

So, um. So... you think we could go over and I could drop off some of my stuff?

[Considering how Cisco had been reacting before this, the hug is a little surprising, but definitely not unwelcome. Eddie squeezes him back, quick and fierce, and then he's smiling a bit at Cisco, eyes warm, while settling in to eat.]

Haha, it's fine. I end up cleaning all the time anyway. I'm a tidier, what can I say?

[It's nice, falling into a comfortable pattern of talking about Central City - where they'd lived, where the best coffee shops were besides Jitters, where the best restaurants and holes in the wall are. Chatting about where they'd lived, getting a feeling for how well they'd live together, while Cisco eats heartily and Eddie picks because the food is good but was mostly for Cisco.

By the time things are done and cleared and they've chatted, Eddie feels a lot more relaxed, comfortable, pretty confident that he and Cisco and Yuri will be a pretty decent set of roommates, no one stepping on each others' toes too much. That they're compatible. It's still worth giving it a test run, but Eddie feels pretty comfortable. And that's nice. Really nice.]

Yeah, no problem. Yuri's out, either with Otabek or Michael or someone else, so it can give us some time to get your stuff in. I'll text him and let him know you're staying over for a bit and will move in if it works out. It might help him a bit, you know, having more people around, even if he doesn't want to admit it.

[Standing up, Eddie glances around.]

So. What are we taking?

Okay, yeah. That's good.

[ He's glad Eddie will be the one doing the explaining, and that he's planning on giving Yuri some warning so he doesn't just show up and find Cisco in his home like some kind of interloper. Well, he still kind of is that, but at least Yuri won't be caught off-guard by it.

When Eddie asks what they're taking, Cisco makes his way over to the couch; he has clothes in the big backpack, and a cardboard box with some shoes, and another box that has some other essentials: toiletries, a few books he's picked up since he moved here, a phone charger, pens, and one small succulent carefully perched on top. He slings the clothes bag over his shoulders and grabs one of the boxes. He could have handled both, but it's certainly easy to let Eddie take the one with his shoes. ]

This is kinda it. Most of the stuff I've bought since I got here was stuff for the lab, you know? To get it set up right.

[ And, with Cisco's few possessions in hand, the two of them head out and in the direction of Eddie's apartment. ]

They don't have any budget for that?

[While Cisco was gathering up his things, Eddie was texting Yuri. No response yet, but he expects he can defuse any issues the teenager has with the whole concept. After Cisco's done, Eddie picks up the box of shoes Cisco indicates, and gives him a little smile.]

Got it. And I called a taxi, should be here in a moment.

[The car arrives right on time, and they get Cisco's stuff into the back of it. The drive to Eddie's place is short, and Eddie shows him inside. It's neat and tidy, a strange mix of masculine dark blues, greys, and the occasional plant with loud bright things in various large-cat prints. A tiger-striped pillow here, a framed print of a leopard's face there. A little mismatched, but it suits Eddie and Yuri pretty well, and Eddie expects that eventually some of Cisco's decorating taste will work its way in - a sci-fi poster, maybe, or some technical drawings on the table. Something about that feels nice.]

So, here it is. You can obviously tell where the kitchen and living room are. My room is in through there. [He gestures vaguely toward a half-closed door just off the living room.] And Yuri's is the bigger one, down at the end of the hall. [He indicates a closed door at the end.] The bathroom is across from his room, and there's a laundry closet on the other side of the hall. And, the spare room is up here...

[Heading up a set of narrow stairs near the door to his room, and pushes the door open, stepping inside. The attic is clean and very empty, aside from a couch shoved into one corner that didn't work out in the area downstairs. The ceiling is peaked, and there are a couple of windows and one flat wall where bookshelves could stand. Eddie smiles a bit.]

I know it's pretty empty. If you want, we can go do a bit of furniture shopping.

[ While they're in the taxi, Cisco fills up the silence explaining that yes, he has some budget granted to him by the various groups he's making tech for, but that it doesn't really stretch as far as it needs to, and doesn't cover the costs of any experimental stuff he wants to do on the side. And even though that experimental stuff often ends up helping him in his official projects, he still funds it out of pocket.

It's a tame enough subject, and one he can talk about at length without any deep thought or emotional expenditure. His sleep-deprivation is probably making him a little more rambly than usual, but if so, Eddie gives no indication of being bored by it. And then they are at his apartment, and Cisco shuts up, doesn't say anything as Eddie leads him inside. He looks around, and he can't help thinking it's just so much more of a home than the communal housing. It's a place where people live, where they belong.

He follows Eddie on the brief tour, clutching the box to his chest and trying not to get in the way, peering into Eddie's room and the kitchen, following him up the stairs and into the attic. Which is a lot bigger than Cisco had pictured, which distresses him for a moment because surely they had plans for a room this nice? But there's nothing in there, and no indication that they'd been intending to use it for anything in particular.

Cisco sets down his things, dropping down to sit cross-legged on the couch and just looking around. He reaches up and runs his hand against the sloped ceiling. A moment later he realizes Eddie said something he should be responding to, and he belatedly says: ]

Um. Maybe tomorrow? I can sleep on the couch tonight and you can make sure Yuri's good with it before we hit up the local IKEA.

[ He smiles, faintly, at his joke, since obviously there are no IKEAs in the quarantine. He also thinks about where he would get the material to soundproof it, which reminds him of their earlier conversation, and out of the blue he blurts out: ]

You really have nightmares?

[Eddie listens attentively while Cisco explains his funding system and where the money comes from, how he uses it, how he uses his own money. It's interesting, though he doesn't have much to add, so he's mostly quiet on the trip back to his place. After the tour and Cisco drops his boxes on the floor in the attic, sits on the couch and looks around curiously, Eddie crosses over and flops onto the couch beside him.]

You sure you don't need a bed for tonight? I can let you use mine and sleep on the living room couch if you want. I mean, how long has it been since you slept in an actual bed?

[Eddie tries to keep his voice light and teasing, but there's no way to disguise the concern that's underlies it, tentative and careful.]

And Yuri texted me back in the cab. He says as long as you're nice to Petya, his cat, and do your own dishes, he's fine with it. [A soft laugh, and he smiles at Cisco.] That's Yuri code for he's actually totally fine with it.

[When Cisco asks that question, his smile fades just a little, and he shrugs, glancing down at his knees.]

Yeah. I mean. I already did, now and again, back home. About that time I got shot during the blackout and almost died, and about being kidnapped. Since I got here, I get to add in shooting myself, and dying, and how much I miss home. [Another shrug, and he glances up.] It's probably not as bad as yours, because of your power, but I just, you know. I wanted to make sure you know you're not the only one.

[ Cisco shrugs; maybe it shouldn't, but it actually hurts a little, the way Eddie just offers his own bed, says he'll sleep on the couch in the living room instead. It's not logical, that such kindness would set off a little flicker of pain in him, but it does. Cisco doesn't know why, exactly. Maybe just because he's not used to this kind of treatment, doesn't know what to do with it, how to respond. ]

I'm not gonna kick you out of your own bed. And it's only been a few days, it's not a big deal.

[ There's still plenty of time in the day to get a bed for this room, if they wanted to. It just seems so final, so... entitled to the space. But Cisco justifies it to himself: even if he doesn't end up staying, having a bed up here would be useful to Eddie. He could have gusts. He could use it as a spare bedroom. Cisco's shoulders straighten a little and he says: ]

We can go and get a bed today.

[ It just seems so flimsy, to have permission given in a text. Eddie can dismiss those caveats as code for unconditional acceptance, but Cisco isn't so sure. He wouldn't be surprised if Yuri came to have a talk with him in the next few days, when Eddie wasn't around, and gave a very different answer. But he doesn't know how to express that feeling without sounding like he's calling Yuri a two-faced liar. ]

I love cats, and I'm good about dishes.

[ He watches as Eddie's smile dims and he shrugs off the question, like it's trivial. But all the shrugs in the world couldn't cover this up completely. Cisco keeps looking at him, waits until the weight of his gaze is enough to get Eddie to look up at him, so they can be making eye contact when he says, quietly: ]

I dunno. Sounds plenty bad to me.

[ Cisco tucks his hair back behind his ear, concern clear as day on his tired face. ]

You got anything you do to make 'em better? Or... to forget them quickly, afterwards? Like a routine or anything?

[The shrug is so indecisive, and the look on Cisco's face makes Eddie hesitate, like he's done something wrong, but then Cisco is just brushing it off, saying he won't kick him out of his own bed, that it's not a big deal. It makes sense, then, that Cisco is just trying to play it off as fine, because it's the polite thing to do to decline, and Eddie relaxes a bit, smiles.]

Fine. Compromise. We can go get a bed a bit later on. Then we both get to sleep somewhere comfortable. And we can grab some other stuff for the room too, what's your decorating sense like? I know a few places.

[Eddie says it without any self-consciousness, admitting that he frequents home decorating stores. Shifting on the couch, he leans back and rests his ankle on the opposite knee, heaving a deep breath. He's about to ask when Cisco wants to go, because the idea of decorating the room sounds like a lot of fun, but then Cisco is looking at him, intense and serious, and Eddie feels the balance of the conversation shifting.

Licking his lips nervously, he glances up at Cisco, makes eye contact, and almost immediately feels a twinge in his chest and gut. He doesn't know if it's anxiety or guilt or happiness, or something else, some twisted up combination of all of them. It feels good-bad, Eddie doesn't know how to categorize it properly.]

It's not really all that bad. I don't make noise. I just toss a little bit and wake up. And I guess, when it happens, I get up and grab myself a snack from the kitchen. Just something little.

[ Cisco opens his mouth to object that decorating is going way too far, but he stops himself, falling silent once more. He doesn't know how to express what he's feeling without sounding ungrateful, without running the risk of hurting Eddie. Getting a bed is one thing, but decorating the room, in his own style, it just seems more personal. More permanent. More entitled to really be there. And as good as it is to hear Eddie asking about his style, Cisco is too fretful to let himself get really comfortable. Not yet. Not when he has no idea how long this will last.

After a moment or two he finds the right way to put it, says: ]

We can leave the decorating for another day. Gotta get the vibe of the space, first, y'know?

[ Which is utter nonsense, but hopefully convincing enough nonsense (when paired with the finality in Cisco's tone) to close the matter.

Especially since Eddie is actually answering him about his nightmares, and that seems like a far more pressing issue to Cisco than what kind of curtains he'd like to buy. Eddie is talking about his nightmares mostly in relation to how disruptive they are from the outside, and it makes sense. The whole reason Cisco is here is because his nightmares are, well, very very noticeable. But just because Eddie's reliving his awful shit quietly doesn't mean it's "not really all that bad."

It's a little weird, actually, talking about this kind of thing. The only time Cisco had really ever talked about his nightmares before had been to Barry and Caitlin, while they were setting up their lucid nightmare experiment that had gone so awry. Cisco tilts his head to the side a little, asks quietly: ]

For real? Man, I'm so the opposite. When I have nightmares I usually feel sick to my stomach.

[It's obvious how uncomfortable Cisco is when Eddie makes one last attempt to suggest this might be more long-term. He'd thought the bed suggestion was a decent way of conveying that, taken Cisco's response to be positive, but it's obvious that decorating choices are pushing Cisco's boundaries, so Eddie gently lets it go.]

Fine, fine, but you get to choose the sheet and comforter colour, okay? Compromise.

[Eddie pitches it as a gentle tease, offering Cisco a little smile, but the smile fades to a slight frown when Cisco mentions he's the opposite when he has a bad dream. For a moment, Eddie's quiet, because he suddenly feels a little trapped, because there's no way to explain his desire to have a snack after a nightmare that doesn't involve explaining what happened while he was kidnapped, and that's...not really something he's ever talked about. To anyone. In fact, he's not even really sure how to get into it.

So, for a while, he's quiet, staring at his knees, trying to gather his thoughts, trying to work out how much he wants to share, how much he can say and how he should say it, without making Cisco uncomfortable. After a moment, he licks his lips and exhales softly.]

I get that, how you'd feel nauseous. I usually am too. It's just because of how things were down there that I want to eat. It's like eating reminds me I have some control over my own situation, you know?

[ Cisco can see the impact his comment has on Eddie. But he's learned a little about Eddie, in the time since they've come to this place. He knows by this point that if he wants Eddie to open up at all, it's going to take a little bit of patience, and a little bit of persistence. So Cisco just waits while Eddie looks down and gathers his thoughts; he doesn't crack a quick joke to ease the tension, doesn't change the subject the way he might do for someone else. Eddie had told him in the hospital that Cisco's his closest friend here, and this is part of what close friends do. They worry about each other. They talk to each other, even about the stuff that's hard to say.

Eddie's answer might be fairly short, but it's also quite informative. From the sound of it, the kidnapping is what Eddie has nightmares about the most, more than being shot by Tockman, or waking up in the quarantine not knowing where he was. And... that makes sense. It's easy for Cisco, because of his own experiences, to just assume anything involving Eobard is going to be worse somewhat automatically. ]

I know how that is. The... needing to remember you're in control part. My thing is I take a shower. Like I can wash it off or whatever. Plus, showers are nice.

[ It sounds a little stupid when he says it out loud; Cisco shrugs, chewing at the inside of his lip. There's an awful lump of guilt sitting in his stomach, thinking about that time. Eddie had been down there for so long, and Cisco had been so nearby. If he'd just used his damn head, he could have found him way sooner. Saved him a little of it. He wants to apologize, but the words feel stuck in his throat. Soon. He'll apologize for it soon. ]

Anyway the point is... I get it. And if I'm gonna be here, well, if you ever have a bad one and you feel like company, just come on up and wake me up, okay? Any time of night.

Edited 2017-07-15 19:34 (UTC)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[open] don't know where i am, don't know where i've been

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