riverviewlogs | [open] we tried to bury it and rise above

[He wants to brush her off again, find a better excuse or just leave even without an excuse, but he can hear the worry in her voice and as much as he wishes he could be a dick right now, he can't find it in himself to do it.

Taako stops and finally turns to look at her. He doesn't say anything, because he doesn't know what to say, but he spreads his hands in a hit me gesture.]

(Lucretia had been expecting more resistance than that, and for a moment she doesn't say anything, as if she's expecting him to just turn and leave the room.)

Um, (she says eventually, still looking down at her hands as she picks at a little worn hole in her jeans.) Taako, I want to know what's going on.

You're- you're hiding something from me.

No shit, Lux.

[It comes out harsher than he means it to, so he snaps his mouth shut and exhales sharply through his nose. He's not mad at her, not... this version of her, not now. Lucretia hasn't done anything wrong, yet.]

There's sixty years I'm not talking about, but you know why I can't.

Do I?

(She appears calm despite the wave of dread that steals through her in that moment. Sixty years he's been hiding from her. This isn't a question of a couple cycles ahead any more: Taako might be... out of them, completely. Or perhaps he isn't, and they're still scouring the edges of the planar system for the lights. Lucretia knows which one she hopes it is.)

I don't think I do, Taako. You must know by now that I've noticed the way you look at me sometimes when you think I won't notice. Or the way you acted when I arrived here, or how you talk about my time on the Starblaster in the past tense? I'm not stupid.

(She knows he doesn't think she's stupid. But knowing that he's keeping things from her makes her feel like an idiot, like she's not worth trusting with the information. Anxiety is making room for frustration, now.) What happens in the future that you think I shouldn't know about?

And what... what happens to Lup? (She's definitely pushing it now, but she can't stop now that she's started. Her hands bunch into fists. Lup may be his sister, but she's Lucretia's best friend, important in so many ways.) Why don't you ever want to talk about her? Did... did something happen? I want to know. I just— I just want to know so I can help, Taako.

[Every accusation feels like a nail in this coffin of lies he's built around himself, like another weight added onto his chest, but it all comes crashing around him when she asks what happened to Lup.

He wasn't careful enough, the way he talks, about the things he hasn't said, because it's too hard to pretend like Lup is fine when she's not, or she might not be. He doesn't know anymore, after what he saw with Cisco, but the sound of Lup's voice isn't enough to give him hope that they'll find her or save her. When he goes home, he won't even remember her.

Something in his expression falters, and he can feel it, but he fights it down and when he speaks, his voice is cold.]

There's nothing you can do to help, whatever happens has to happen. If it changes it might get worse.

(Taako has never spoken to her like this before.

He's been mad with her on the Starblaster prior to this of course, but that was different. Those were petty arguments or small disagreements about what to do next; little fights that meant nothing. This conversation is in a whole other ballpark.

Lucretia exhales, shaky, and looks away from the weight of his gaze, heart pounding in her chest. She's gone and stepped on something hurtful and tender by bringing up Lup, but she can't take it back now. Nor does she want to. She presses her fingernails into her palms.)

Why can't you trust me with this? I don't believe that there's nothing I can do. There's always something that can be done.

[Taako doesn't say a word for a long moment, until the silence feels almost deafening to him, until all he can hear is his heart thudding in his ears and the echo of Lup's voice.

Why does he keep trying to lie, when the truth is apparently written in everything he does.]

It's you. You can't change this cause it's you that did this, all of it.

[He can't put it into words, what all of it encompasses, but it's out now, the truth, or part of it.]

(She figured as much, but it hurts like hell to hear coming from him regardless. Lucretia exhales, breath trembling, her posture tight and rigid.)

Okay. (Her voice is quiet. 'This is what you've been explicitly asking for' she reminds herself, annoyed with the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. Taako has answered one question, and dredged up at least ten more, but Lucretia doesn't know if she's brave enough to ask them.

She opens her mouth.)

I... I don't understand. What did I do?

You fed your journals to Fisher, you made us all forget.

[He should be angry, he thinks, he should be upset, but the words all come out flat and cold, and he's suddenly reminded of the way he spoke to her before Wonderland. Like he's angry, yeah, but like they're not close enough that she gets to see it.]

You made me forget Lup.

[And that's it, really. Everything else would have been forgivable, she could have killed him and Taako would forgive her, but taking Lup from him is worse than anything else he can imagine.]

(Lucretia looks up at him sharply, eyes wide with confusion. There had been a very small, scared part of her that thought she might have done something to harm Lup; it had made sense in her head when measured against Taako's reaction to her asking about it all. But this... to have erased her entirely from Taako's memory?

She's shaking her head slowly, staring at him, trying to piece it all together and coming up empty handed.)

I... (she stammers, heart thudding hard in her ears.) No, I... Why would I do that? Why would I do that? I wouldn't... I'd never...

(She doesn't understand. Lucretia hates not understanding.)

This is why I didn't want to do this!

[It's there, suddenly, all the anger built up comes crashing down, comes pouring out in something that's too close to a shout. He doesn't know if he's ever yelled at Lucretia before, not out of anger, but here they are now.]

You want me to explain fifty fucking years of our lives in what, a couple minutes so it's nice and digestible and you can write it down in your stupid book? [That's not fair, he knows it's not fair, but he can't help it.] Well, listen, here's your fucking summary. You didn't like the way we were doing things so you betrayed us. Lup's dead. Barry's dead. Magnus is a fucking mess cause he built himself a life that got blown to shit. Merle has no faith in himself or his god, and you took so much from Davenport he can't say more than his name.

[He's almost shaking with rage, everything rattling around inside him after weeks of build up.]

The Hunger is coming, and we're all going to die.

(His sudden turn to anger startles her and tears spring into her eyes unbidden; she presses her palms against her eyes to try and hide it even as her expression crumples, shoulders hunching as if she can tuck into herself and disappear. None of it makes any sense. The word that stands out, ugly and bitter and on fire in her mind is betrayed.)

Taako, (she tries, voice wet with tears, but he talks over her, on and on, so she knuckles her eyes, shaking her head. There must be a reason. There has to be. Something has to have happened, because she wouldn't do this, she wouldn't wish harm on any of them for anything in the entire planar system.

When she lowers her hands, Taako is staring at her all misery and anger and mistrust and Lucretia thinks her heart might break.)

I want you to explain, (she presses, voice hoarse, her gaze dropping to the ground,) Why.

[It takes him a second; he wants to throw a magic missile at the damn wall just to pour the anger into something other than his words, but he's not a child throwing a tantrum, as satisfying as that would be.

Taako remembers how to breathe, though it isn't easy.]

We broke the light to hide it from the hunger, and it worked, the scout never showed up, but we didn't-- we didn't realize. The things we made from the light were too powerful, too tempting, we started wars.

[There's guilt there, warring with the anger, all of it swirling in his chest.]

You wanted it to stop, so you made it stop. All of us, and the whole world, we all forgot except you.

We broke the light?

(She stares at him disbelievingly. Perhaps this is a very bad dream; her overactive imagining combined with preexisting anxiety. She feels empty with the shock of it all.)

That doesn't make sense. (And she almost laughs, if only because it's so horrifying and strange she doesn't know quite how to deal with the weight of all he's told her.) Why did we bother collecting it in the first place if we were only going to scatter it again??

(She had thought the whole point was to use the light as a weapon against the Hunger, had even been throwing the idea of it being used defensively instead around before she'd come to Quarantine in the first place.)

I... Taako, I don't know what to say.

We were tired.

[That's all there is to say in response to her questions, to the thoughts that he knows she must be contemplating, because there's so many explanations he could give but it all comes back down to that.

They were so tired of running, of dying, of losing. They just wanted to stop.]

We were tired, (she repeats, hollowly.)

We were tired of doing our- our jobs, so we just gave up and let the Hunger win?

(She exhales sharply and rubs the back of her head, deeply disappointed.) I— sure. Okay.

No, gods that's not-- [They didn't just give up.] We wanted to buy some time, keep the Hunger at bay for a little bit longer so we could, I dunno, find a way to actually win.

[He doesn't know how to tell her that it kept getting worse, that the scouts kept finding them more easily, that every cycle became riskier, more terrifying.]

And it was never our jobs. I signed up for a cool trip across the planes, not the fucking apocalypse.

But it became our job, Taako, whether we liked it or not! God knows it wasn't fair on any of us, but there isn't anybody left to do it.

(It's sobering to know that by the end of their time on the Starblaster they still won't have any idea of how to actually defeat the Hunger. Lucretia doesn't want to make assumptions of what it would be like to be struggling through those last few cycles, but she can't help but feel incredibly disheartened with the whole thing.

Why didn't she try harder? What made them fail? Lucretia thinks of all the worlds they've failed so far already and can't help but feel ashamed of herself.)

Yeah, well, I fucking quit.

[It doesn't work like that, he knows, but how can she call it a job when there was never any choice, never any option but to keep running.

If it was anything, it was their life.]

I quit the IPRE and I quit the goddamn Bureau, all of it is bullshit. This is bullshit.

[He didn't want to do this.]

Yeah, well, too bad.

(It's her turn to sound cold.)

People are counting on us- the entire planar system is counting on us to do this. It isn't fair to give up. This was never about us. (It's so hard to swallow that all of this work so far is going to amount to nothing, and culminates in her going behind her teammate's backs and changing everything, taking Lup from Taako. Letting the others fall to ruin.

She loves the six of them deeply, complexly. But what is six lives compared to the multiverse? She hates herself for this realisation.)

Maybe I can do something about it, (she mutters, eyes narrowed.) Now that I know. Maybe I can stop it, or- or change it.

It's always been about me.

[That's how this works, it's how it's always worked because that's just who he is, and this is a stark fucking reminder. Taako never wanted to save the world, he just wanted to be happy and safe, with Lup.]

Me and Lup, and now I don't even have that, so forgive me if I'm sick and tired of dying and suffering for the rest of the universe. Maybe it can do something for me for once.

[He wishes this argument didn't feel so familiar.]

(She stares at him for a long moment, furious and disappointed. She wants to yell at him very badly, and at the same time knows she will never change his mind on this.

But doesn't he care? How can he stand there and tell her that none of it matters?)

I've been dying for you, (she says eventually, and stands, digging her book out from where it had been resting, squished between her hip and the chair.) You, and Lup and Merle. Magnus, Barry, Davenport. I've died for all of you, and this mission, and I'd do it a hundred times over if it guaranteed your safety.

I thought that might mean more to you. The universe can't do anything for you if you allow it to be destroyed.

So have I!

[They've all died, it doesn't make it fucking special, it just makes it shitty and painful. Merle has died the most, Magnus has died more times than him, but he doesn't think it should be some mess up competition of who can sacrifice the most.]

I just want my sister back. [His voice cracks, and he fails to swallow it down, collapsing into a chair because he doesn't trust his legs anymore.] I just want Lup back.

Edited 2017-06-26 14:12 (UTC)

(Despite the whirlwind of emotion she's feeling right now it's very hard not to automatically go to him as he collapses into a chair. Lucretia bites the inside of her cheek hard, folding her arms protectively across her chest.)

I... (She doesn't want to know. She wants to know. Lucretia has no idea what she wants any more.) When... when did she...?

Ten years.

[Does it matter, really, if he spent those ten years thinking that being alone was how things were supposed to be? If he's only had the last few months to really mourn her?]

fucking, tru

✌✌✌

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i swear to god if i get jossed by griffin