we are high and we are fine

[volitaunt]

who: Poe Dameron + John Sheppard
what: An exploratory patrol outside of the wall via shuttle
when: During Dragosta
where: Outside the wall/in the jungle
warnings: Talk of torture, maybe other warnings later.



[ They agree without really talking about it directly. Talk about wanting to fly out, go on a longer patrol mission, see if they can spot more ruins outside the city. Neither one of them says what Poe is pretty sure they're both thinking--they want out of the city, away from this festival and its magics and its focus on romance.

Poe isn't sure what to make of the fact that they decide to run away from a romantic festival together, but he's trying not to read into it or be hurt by it. They're past that. They're fine.

They've got supplies for about a week's worth of flying, fuel included. Three days out, three days back. It's a long time to spend alone together, but maybe they need it. Maybe then can stop having awkward pauses in their conversations.

Poe hopes so, anyway.

They fly silently for the first few hours, and Poe can feel the tension leaving him as the tree pass below them and low-flying creatures drift on the wind at a distance from the shuttle. He leans forward just a little to peer out through the hood and get a better view of the Capital World and its pale colors against the sky. ]

Reminds me of home sometimes.

[ He's described Yavin to John before, the great red gas giant glowing in the light of its sun. For a second Poe aches for home, a kind of desperate longing he's almost used to at this point.

He sits back in his chair again. ]

I'm glad we're doing this.

Comments

[volitaunt]

I checked. Talked to the people who escorted him and Hux to the portal themselves.

[ Poe turns to look at him, surprised and wary. ]

That doesn't sound good.

[deploy]

When you disappeared I thought he took you. I was sure he took you. Who else?

[John rubs a hand over his jaw, his eyes on the floor. Glad for the space between them. He doesn't want to see the look on Poe's face.

John wasn't thinking that far ahead when he captured Kylo. All that mattered was getting Poe back. Whatever happened after that would be worth it. John will go as far as it takes to protect the people he loves.]

I tranqued him in the back, and imprisoned him in a power-nullifying container Rodney developed. He wouldn't tell me where you were. Denied taking you. So I used every trick in the book to make him talk. Y'know. The book people don't talk about.

The original plan was to get what I needed and make what was left of Kylo disappear, but when we got word about the cult... dumped him outside a hospital and waited to be arrested. Then he disappeared himself. Thought he might've died and wound up in the morgue or something.

[volitaunt]

[ There's a funny ringing rush in Poe's ears that he doesn't think belongs to his injuries.

The book people don't talk about.

He can almost hear his own screams echoing back at him from the walls of the Finalizer, past the haze of pain, neuroshocks, abuse. He flicks ahead mentally to that conversation with Rey and Leia, that desperation for them to understand what it all meant.

That Rey, that Leia, hadn't gotten it. They hadn't cared enough about Kylo Ren's crimes--

Except that's not what it was. They hadn't cared about him.

Poe doesn't realize he's moving. The world is a seesawing blur. But he finds John, he finds John's hair with his hands, John's mouth with his own, and kisses him so tenderly a person might think Poe was afraid of hurting him.

Maybe that's not far from the truth. ]

[deploy]

[John didn't see that coming.

Poe's lips are so soft against his lips he could cry. John doesn't deserve this. He fucked up. In the time he spent hurting Kylo he could have been finding Poe. Instead he wasted three days torturing the wrong man while Poe was being beaten into submission by cultists.

His hand finds the front of Poe's jacket, gripping onto his collar for support, to ground himself in what feels like an impossible moment. Is this really happening, or is John lying on the floor of the burning shuttle with his head split open, dreaming away what little time he has left in this world?

If he is dreaming, he doesn't want to wake up before he goes, but he's never wanted something to be real more badly than this.

John swallows his emotions just long enough to rasp out the words he's been choking down since they met against Poe's mouth before kissing back, his lips as gentle as he knows how.]

I'd do anything for you.

[volitaunt]

[ The noise Poe makes is something like a sob. He presses his face against John's neck, hand still tangled in his hair. He wants to tell John not to say that, that he doesn't deserve it, that he's more than proved he doesn't. ]

Thank you. Thank you. [ Quiet. Thin. ] I missed you so much.

[ He eases back, head pounding, almost afraid to look John in the face again. ]

I would too. [ He swallows, throat squeezing. ] Please believe me.

[deploy]

You don't need to thank me. I didn't do it for that. Or for this.

[But John wants this. He wants it more than to take back what he did to Kylo Ren. He wants Poe more than he wants to try and be a better man. It's too late for that. Too late for him.

Looking into Poe's eyes, so dark and wet John could drown in them, he lifts a hand to cup Poe's jaw. They're both so busted up that together they almost make one man. For the first time in John's life he felt some semblance of wholeness.

He never felt so empty when Poe walked away from him. Not until Rodney, Elizabeth, and Carson left him behind. Now John doesn't know how he feels. Most days, if he's lucky, he feels nothing at all.]

I want to.

[Quietly, his thumb stroking Poe's cheekbone, something like a smile ghosts over John's lips. The truth is, John doesn't believe anyone. Not when it comes to loving him. At this point in his life, John's not sure it matters.

Poe doesn't need to want him. All he has to do is need him.]

You're worth it. All of it.

[volitaunt]

[ Sure, John said the last time. I want to, he says now.

It cuts. Poe thinks he probably deserves it. He's betrayed John enough to deserve it. He doesn't move as John strokes his cheek, afraid to break whatever kind of spell they've found themselves under, injured and honest and alone.

Even if John never believes him, right at this moment he's willing to spend as much time as they have trying to prove it.

Poe lets his hands fall away from John's hair, resting them on the man's hips, pulling them together gently.

I've missed you so damn much. ]

I didn't just kiss you because of what you did.

[deploy]

Good. Because I want you to kiss me again.

[John's hands go to Poe's hair, mindful of his stapled scalp, twisting dark curls around his fingers like he's been dying to since Poe stopped being his to touch.

Face to face, body to body, John can almost forget they've been apart for longer than they were together. They fit together in all the wrong ways just right.]

I missed you too. Every goddamn day.

[volitaunt]

[ Poe, for once, obeys. He kisses John, hand going to the back of John's neck.

A half-dozen voices play in his head, people urging him to talk to John, to take the leap, to stop being afraid of what could happen. Figures they were right. Figures he spent all this time holding back for no reason.

Poe's skull is pounding when he breaks the kiss this time, but he doesn't care. ]

I'm sorry. [ Blurted out. What he tried to say back when John was sick, when he pinned Poe against the wall of the shuttle and told him exactly what he thought of him. Something Poe thought he wouldn't really have the chance to say again. ] I'm really sorry, I'm... I fucked up, bad, I know I did.