riverviewlogs | [open] Time keeps on slipping

[It was always in the back of Rey's mind the Force bond she shared with Kylo Ren. How it would suddenly flare up, allowing both of them to see each other and converse....or ignore one another. They hadn't talked in sometime, but even with that, she could still feel something--something that connected them to each other. It was stupid, but maybe sub-consciously she was glad to have it. A way to show she wasn't alone, even if it was to someone she continued to get into arguments with.

One morning, she was watering her plants when she felt it--nothingness. A hollow feeling that filled her and left her confused. Something had shifted in the Force. Something that made her hairs stand on end. She looked around her apartment for any signs of a disturbance, but there wasn't anything. Part of her thought she was being paranoid for no reason, whereas the other part of her continued to think there was something wrong.

Rey sat down on her floor and got into a meditative pose. She reached out to the Force, trying to tap into it to help her figure out what was wrong. Those close to her...she felt their presence, but there was someone missing. Her eyes snapped open when she realized who it was. Part of her knew this was a possibility, that he could leave--but he wanted to stay.

Ben...Kylo Ren was gone. It was bittersweet, really. He didn't need to be here, considering they weren't talking and he continued to get into fights with Poe...but he was back in their world and who knows what was going on.

Rey found her device, sending out a text to her friends who knew of her situation. The text merely read:]

Kylo Ren is gone.

Edited 2018-07-09 17:50 (UTC)

[When Alex got the address, she frowned. She'd liked Kylo and considered him sort of a friend. She also knew about their history and how it had ended and she could only think of one way to help: booze and ice cream and hugs. So she just texts back:]

Meet me here in half an hour?

[Alex sent the address to a quiet bar where Alex would be sitting and waiting for her at a table, two absurdly sized booze shakes in front of her. Sipping on one slowly (and of course eating the cake from it) she just watched for when Rey showed up.]

[ To be honest, Rey didn’t know if she wanted to leave her apartment. She was trying to process all the feelings she had on this. Bittersweet, with something’s being more bitter than sweet. He was able to go back to their world. He would t cause trouble here...but he was gone. Like how Poe was gone and...was it wrong that she missed him? Or missed the connection between them. Rey didn’t know, but she was grateful for Alex texting her back.

Getting out help. She wasn’t about to turn the other woman down. ]

Okay.

[ Rey grabbed her small bag and went out. It didn’t her long to get to the place Alex sent her. She was surprised to see Alec there with something that looked much sweeter than Rey’s current mood. She sat across from her ]

Hey

Hey.

[Alex just smiles sadly at Rey, and she pushes the chocolate monstrosity across the table to her. She knows this isn't a normal sort of break up, but in a way it kind of is so Alex is treating it like she would if someone back home had broken up with their partner. Even if their partner was a complete jackass to them, like Kylo had been to Rey for a while.]

Just the thing to help: chocolate and vodka and kahlua.

[Could this really be considered a break up? Ben and her...they went through that once they gained memories of what happened after Starkiller base was destroyed. They fought then, and things weren't the same then. Now with him officially gone...no, no, Rey didn't want to go through those feelings in front of Alex.

She just....she didn't know what she wanted, but focusing on those feelings wasn't it.]

I don't know if it'll help...but it looks good? [A lot of sugar....and chocolate...

Okay, the chocolate may help a little. She took the straw and started to swirl the contents a little.]

...thanks for doing this. You didn't have to.

[It may not be an actual breakup, but it's honestly close enough for ice cream. After all, friends and enemies can break your heart too, which is why Alex is bringing her to the chocolate and the ice cream and the booze.

As if to encourage Rey, Alex takes a sip of her shake and makes a pleased little noise. It's strong but you can barely taste the booze in the boozeshake, which of course is the point of it.

But when she's told she doesn't have to do this, Alex just frowns.]

You're my friend and you need it, of course I'd do this, Rey.

[After Alex took a sip, Rey did the same. The creamy coldness of the boozeshake hit her tongue quickly, but it was sweet. She could barely taste the alcohol, which made for a dangerous combination. She would have to be careful with this--so she didn't get drunk too quickly, or get a brain freeze.]

I don't know if I need it...but it's still appreciated.

[It's needed, greatly needed, even though she didn't say that. Feelings, blah. She didn't want to think too much on it.]

I should be happy about this, right? He's not here to cause trouble anymore.

Of course, that's what friends do for one another, even when complicated situations like this one happen.And I mean you two were very complicated. I think it's definitely okay if you have mixed feelings on him being gone.

[Alex just takes another sip of her milkshake with an encouraging smile, and she thinks about it for a second before she decides to add:]

I think I'd be more worried for you if you were all happy or all sad, honestly.

[Alex could be sad, but then again she'd never seen the terrible sides of him that she'd heard about from Rey. And she doesn't have that personal connection to the havoc that he reeked in Rey's universe.]

[ Cisco reads the very short text and mutters a triumphant yes! out loud to the empty room. Rey doesn't need to know about that. He gets that all of this is complicated for her (and he knows it's not impossible the creep will pop up again, later). But for his part, Cisco is glad that he - and the dangers he presented - are out of the Quarantine. One less villain to worry about.

Still, he tries to be sympathetic. ]

are you sure?
how are you doing?

Complicated...that's a nice way of putting it. [More like one big, fucked up, messed up, thing they had going on. First hating each other, then Rey trying to develop a friend..and things continued to snowball from there, until new memories came to her and, yeah. It was more than complicated--but it was the best way to describe it.

Rey has another sip of her milkshake, taking comfort in the cold drink. There's another sip before she pauses to avoid a brain freeze.]

If you had asked me that when I first got here--that he was here and no longer around, then yes, I would've been happy. Now? After months of ... [Dealing with him didn't sound right.] Being around him--without fighting, it's...it's something else.

Yeah, it's a good societal way of saying that this is a giant clusterfuck.

[Alex smiled at that, because nine times out of ten when she says how complicated something is, that is exactly what she means. Not all the time, but most of it anyway. She takes a sip of her drink and just watches Rey, her eyes focused on her friend.]

You guys learned to coexist. And it was nice not having to constantly be engaged in a fight?

[The words were suggested softly, Alex's eyes on Rey's still.]

[Rey has to stifle a snort. yes, a clusterfuck is the best way to put it.]

Call it for what it is--or was..a clusterfuck.

[Maybe that alcohol was helping to loosen her tongue a little, lowering her filter. It was a clusterfuck where both of them had feelings, and things happened, and then they came to a headway....and nothing really got resolved. Maybe that's what Rey wanted? Closure?

Another long sip to push those feelings down.]

...Yeah..it was nice not fighting with him--didn't stop him from fighting with others. [Like with Poe. Rey averts her gaze from Alex for a moment, feeling her thoughts start to float away.]

....But it was nice just...spending time with him...and not fighting.

[It takes a good five minutes from Cisco sending out that message to Rey replying. She was reading his words over and over again, thinking the answer would appear out of thin air.

She was going to have to be honest with him.]

I don't feel the bond anymore. It's....gone.
I don't know...and that's the confusing part in all this.

Okay, so this clusterfuck... [The words come with a smile and a little nod, because Alex was all for calling a spade a spade, honestly. Even if the spade was between two people who were friends, but whom Alex didn't even realize were what they were until their spa day.]

I mean, it makes sense. He was the only one here who had the same sort of things that you do, right? Even the other people from your world don't. It's always easier to be connected to someone on the same level if you've got something like that in common. And whatever else goes on back home, this can be a little timeout before you have to go home and keep fighting the good fight I guess.

And if you never got to fix anything or say anything that you wanted to? Then that sucks. And I'd feel conflicted too. I mean, especially if you may or may not have had tiny amounts of feelings for him.

[ The pause is... worrying, and Cisco's reply comes within a few seconds: ]

gotcha.

it's okay not to know
you can hate him and still miss him.
and feel relieved and sad at the same time.

do you want company?

[ He might not be sad that Kylo has vanished, but he is concerned about how Rey will handle it, and wants to support her in whatever way she might need. Goodness knows, he's had some experience with how awful and lonely it can be, not even understanding your own feelings about something. ]

Think it's more than that, but it's the best way to put it.

[The more she thinks about it, the more she thinks it's bigger than a clusterfuck. It's just plain fucked up. But, less thinking and more drinking. That sounds like a much better plan.

There's a nod of her head, and it feels like Alex is getting it. Not trying to understand, but actually getting it. It's....it's refreshing, and honestly, it felt like Rey was going to go crazy. Talking to Cisco about the complexities of the 'relationship' she had with Ben was hard. He was being supportive, in more ways than one.

But Alex? She got it. Or maybe it was the alcohol that helped.]

Yes, it was that! We were removed from the conflict and just...able to be people. No titles, no sense of duty--or what our destinies should be. [And maybe that's what's bothering her the most--what could have been. But, hadn't they gone on about that? When the bond first picked up again and ended up with them not speaking to each other. Just an utter mess.]

It...it was nice connecting to him on that level. And looking past what he did... [As for feelings, Rey's cheeks burn a little and she opts for another drink of her shake.]

Shouldn't I know by this point? Considering our history--and...everything.

It would be far easier to hate him completely than anything. But..it's not easy. [So she does miss him. Wasn't that part of the problem?]

I don't know.

I wouldn't say no to it, but...it's hard to process everything right now.

[If there's one thing that Alex gets (other than being complicated in a relationship, because god knows that she gets in spades) it can be how this place is just a good place for them to just breathe. Yes, there are still old animosities and fights and feelings but it's not like home where from what Rey had told her, that's what the majority of things was.

Learning about the other without the idea of being other, maybe. Alex just took another sip of her milkshake and nodded again, her attention entirely on Rey. Alex is a reporter, a damn good one but she didn't even need to rely on those skills to see Rey for the moment, instead the woman was as easy to read as Alex herself was sometimes.]

We are going to need so much more ice cream, but would you want him to come back? How he was before he was ignoring you, I mean.

i don't think this kind of stuff is ever as simple as it "should" be
not for anybody.
and certainly never any kind of easy

that's fine.
i'll just come over and sit with you
and if you wanna talk, you talk, and i'll listen
and if you don't wanna talk, i'll be there anyway.

[There's a shake of Rey's head. As nice as ice cream was, it gave her brain freezes, and really what she probably wanted but shouldn't have was alcohol in a glass.]

Think I need whatever they put in this, and not the ice cream.

[There's a soft sigh, leaning back into her seat, her eyes on her booze shake as she tries to sort out her feelings. She didn't like not being in control of her feelings, of the things around her. Granted, the latter was something she was used to having grown up on Jakku where things were always out of her hands. But her own feelings on someone who was an enemy, then turned friend, then turned into enemy again. There were so many feelings there that it was hard to unpack it all.]

If he came back....I would be torn between wanting to hit him, and....[Kissing him? Maybe? She brought a hand up to her face, pushing back a few strands of hair.] And I don't know. The question becomes, would he even remember his time here?

[For a moment, Alex just looks at Rey, frowns and then gestures to the waiter to bring them a drink. What was in the boozeshakes of course so they weren't mixing liquor because Alex didn't want either of them to have a hangover tomorrow. Richard would never let her live it down.

When the white russians were in front of them, Alex lifted hers and took a sip before she responded gently.]

It seems like some people don't and some people do. Peggy Carter did but I know other people have been here multiple times and don't. But would you want him to remember? Or would you want the chance to try and be friends again with a fresh start? I mean, you guys definitely weren't okay by the end right? Just from the anon post that went up.

[Having a hangover was never fun, not that Rey actually to experience a bad one. Just a slight headache, but nothing else. She had to fully experience the pain and agony of alcohol turning on her. For now, she sits in her chair, letting Alex order something for both of them and....

Her face turns pink.]

You figured out that was us?

[Shit. Shit. Shit. She would like to go crawl into a hole now, please.

Never mind the fact that she doesn't know who Peggy Carter is, but damnit, this place knew their business and it was stupid of her to put that question up. URGH.]

But it should be! That's the infuriating part! I should be mad at him Cisco. After all the shit he pulled, and all I did because I thought he wanted more than power...

I should be so happy for him leaving, but I feel...

I feel alone again.

[That was the hardest thing she had to write out. Facing the reality that she was alone again, in a way that she couldn't describe and no one else would really be able to relate to.]

[For a minute, Alex just looks at Rey with her brow raised, and she frowns deeply, before giving a little nod. When she speaks, it's in a soft and gentle tone.]

I am a reporter, and the two of you weren't exactly being all that discrete, you know. I think a lot of people figured it out.

But it's nothing to be embarrassed of, honestly. I mean, I was all over that, and I asked a question too.

[Alex just shrugged at that, and she considered for a minute before she added:]

I'm pretty sure people figured out it's me if it helps any.

[If this place could open up and swallow her whole, that would be great. She should've been vague, she shouldn't have posted that crap to begin with! It was only going to bite her back in the end. Well...the fact that no one out right approached her about it, was a good thing? Up until now that is.

But, she does want this place to swallow her whole, because this was utterly embarrassing.]

I didn't want my business broadcast like that...shouldn't have posted it.

[Grumbled more to herself, and then a nice long drink of her white Russian.]

It was embarrassing, do you think I wanted people to know there were feelings between us? It...[She lets out a frustrated sigh.]...my friendships were strained because of it.

No of course I didn't think you wanted people to know. There's a reason that I didn't bring it up before now, Rey. But I'm so sorry who you have feelings for... or not have feelings for, as things may be caused problems within your relationships. That sucks.

[Her tone says how much she thinks it sucks, and she shifts uncomfortably in her seat, feeling like an asshole for bringing it up. However, she just asks:]

Are things better now with them? That you were fighting and now that he's gone, do you think?

There's nothing to be sorry about...

[It wasn't Alex's fault that Rey got involved with someone who she shouldn't have. It wasn't Alex's fault in any way, but...she could appreciate the sentiment? At least Alex brought it up now and didn't go around talking about it to others--at least Rey hopes that isn't the case.

The question leaves Rey staring at her drink. Her fingers tracing the rim of the glass in a slow manner.]

Don't know. I haven't told them yet. Told them that I was wrong about him...and that seemed to have mended things a little and... [A lump is starting to form in her throat, emotions coming to the surface.] ...I had a dumb plan about trying to train under him, and when I brought it up, it back fired and I didn't talk to my friends for weeks...maybe a month.

[She isolated herself in the hopes of trying to show that Ben was changing, that he could be something other than darkness and evil....and she was proven wrong.]

It was for nothing. All of it was for nothing.

[Without even thinking about it, as Rey says that it was all for nothing, Alex just reaches over and wraps her in a tight hug, a hand on her back. She makes a soothing sound, because Alex doesn't need to have the force or be able to sense someone's feelings to know that saying that, meaning that, and knowing that something you believed in was all for nothing.

Her voice is soft and calm and reassuring.]

Hey, I don't believe that it's true that people can't be redeemed. I think that most people can. You don't know what's going to happen in the future, and maybe something that you did does matter to him, and maybe it's not for nothing even if it does feel like it all is. I wouldn't give up hope yet, okay?

[In the blink of an eye, Rey was swept up in a tight hug by Alex. She stiffened at first, taken aback by the sudden hug, but she wraps her arms around Alex. A stray tear or two coming down her face. She listens and it makes her heart ache all the more. Another person she had dragged into this mess, just as she had done with Cisco.

Cisco had warned her, cautioned her of the possible outcomes of what would happen in trying to give Ben a chance--and she promised she wouldn't beat herself up if it didn't work out. But, she was still doing that, wasn't she?]

I don't think he can be redeemed. Not after what happened--what we experienced. [Killing Snoke, offering his hand to her. To let the past die.

You're nothing...but not to me.

Those words stabbed her so many times, and yet she had to bring herself out and fight against him. Closed that door and forced herself to not look back. Maybe now, with him gone it'll be easier.]

I think...I think that's the problem. I want to have hope, but I don't think there is for him. He made his decision....and I've made mine. [There's a deep breath as she tries to pull away, not wanting to get tears on Alex's shirt and to hide those tears too.]

[As Rey talks, Alex's keeps that gentle and soothing hand on her back, and when she pulls away, Alex lets her do that too. There's a frown on her face when she does it, and she just studies the tears on Rey's cheeks for a moment as if she's considering before she speaks.

Because she is. She doesn't want to give up on people, but she doesn't know what Rey does either. There's no way for her to. So instead Alex does what she probably does to often, and complete disreguards the ways of it being one or the other.]

You know, you don't have to be all or nothing with this, Rey. I mean nothing is ever entirely black or entirely white. There's always shades of gray. You can do what you need to do and still give him a chance if you feel like he's earned it later on. But everything is dependant on if you're both in the same place at the same time. You don't need to decide anything now.

you aren't alone
you're never gonna be alone, as long as me and eddie are here
and i know that it's different but still

you can't worry too much about how you SHOULD be feeling
feelings just happen and then you decide where to go from there.
it's okay to feel upset

but you don't gotta go through it on your own.

That's assuming he comes back--and I don't think he will.

[Ben wasn't one to be taken some place so easily, not unless he was chasing after something. More recruits, or places where the Resistance could be hiding. Could she give him another chance? She wasn't sure. That was assuming he ever came back--and even then would he remember? Would he remember their time together where, for a brief moment, it was fine? That...maybe they had some semblance of happiness?]

Maybe you're right, I don't need to be all or nothing...he's not here. If he comes back..maybe then I'll have it figured out.

People come and go all the time though. We don't know. I mean, he could just show up next week or whatever. Most of us don't chose to come here the first time, I imagine we wouldn't chose to come here the second.

[Which was probably true. But if Alex knew things about this place, like she knew Richard was here? She might do it. She didn't know. Before she'd been entirely gunho about not doing it, but now.... Now she was pushing those thoughts aside and just focusing on Rey.]

And it's okay not to have it figured out when he comes back too, Rey. I mean, emotions are huge and complicated and if we could figure them out easily, they probably wouldn't be worth it.

It's not the same, Cisco. It's not.
It's a feeling--a connection, and...it's gone.
It's gone and I should've expected it to go away but...I didn't want to.

[Something else she didn't want to admit out loud, but she is to Cisco.

She doesn't even get to replying to the rest, quietly crying to herself--update that she feels this way, and even more upset that she can't get a hold of her feelings. Crying helps, in some instances, but she wanted to be in control. She didn't want to unravel.]

[ Cisco has got to just take her word on that; he knows better than to push, when it comes to Force stuff. It's as much a religion as anything else, and Rey is allowed to have her beliefs, even if they don't make much sense to Cisco. When she says that she felt a connection with Kylo, he just has to trust that. ]

it wasn't wrong, not to expect it
no one is so prepared that life can't take them by surprise ok?
it's impossible
don't blame yourself on top of everything

i'll be there soon.

[ He sends that last message a little later, after Rey doesn't reply; she sounds like she's feeling pretty low, and there's a lot a hug can say better than a million texts. ]

[open] Time keeps on slipping

[For established CR: Back dated to July 3rd]

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