riverviewlogs | [ open ] if we're all just cynics come undone

Entry tags:

[ open ] if we're all just cynics come undone

who: Loki + You
what: Rescuing + Canon update
when: June 15th + Late June
where: Around!
warnings: Spoilers for Infinity War, violence

[ Loki awakens.

It was startling, like he had forgotten how to breathe and submerged underwater for all his days. His chest heaves, fits of coughing wrestling his voice away from him as the doctors clamor above him, gloved hands resting on his shoulders. Violently, Loki shakes them off, immediately climbing out of bed and fleeing the hospital. Hospital. How had he ended up here? How —

A few blocks away, Loki stops, his back resting against the wall. Trembling, his fingers go upwards, touching his neck and drawing back with a hiss. Loki cannot see them but he can feel it. Dark finger-brands upon his skin, squeezing the life out of him, until he couldn't breathe, he couldn't see Thor, spots dancing in his vision, and thinking I don't want to go, I don't want to go —

He slides against the wall, boneless, leaning his head back. The sky looked so blue. His throat aches.

I could have done it, father! I could have done it. For you! For all of you.

Odin was right all along. Loki never could have done it. ]

[ i. infiltration, open to hostages and infiltrators joining him. ]

[ When Loki learned of the kidnappings and who had been taken, his anger overpowered any lingering feelings of self-loathing and tragedy. It was a task he could throw himself into, even as he constantly doubts any effort made in his part. Doubts the ability in his hands, the power in his bones. He would like nothing more than to squirrel himself away, cut off all ties. He didn't want to try anymore only to fail. He can't do it, he knows that now.

But . . . he found he couldn't stop either. For that, Loki blames Thor and curses him constantly under his breath as he and Jim sneak into the base, under heavy illusions, similar to the ones he has placed around his neck. The wound there was slow healing and even Loki's voice bore the slight twinge of soreness. Thankfully, he is nothing if not an excellent pretender.

Jim shoots a few people down, but Loki swats the men away. Steps on a man's neck as he makes his way through. Once they cleared the area, Loki drops part of the illusion to the hostages, his voice sharp and curt. ]

We're leaving. Can you get up?

[ ii. brawl ]

[ It had been bloody but short. Blissfully short. Loki doesn't join the medics (his healing gifts were mediocre and he is not in the mood to help out the entire community). He should approach his . . . friends. Family. But strength fails him as he stands there, looking hopelessly lost. Loki should be proud, shouldn't he? He managed to help, it didn't fall apart.

He should be proud.

He feels none of these things.

One of the kidnappers (missed by the general chaos) rushes at him, but Loki easily turns and grabs him by the throat. Squeezes. And then lets go with a gasp, colour draining from his face. The kidnapper stumbles back, confused but seeing an opportunity and rushes at Loki again.

Loki who is frozen stiff and cannot move. ]

[ iii. aftermath ]

[ Loki doesn't join the healers (he considers his skills in that area mediocre), but he does stop by a few people, healing them of minor gashes and wounds. He doesn't make eye contact. They come and go, and Loki is oddly mute, no quicksilver lines and retorts passing through his lips. Breath in, breath out. He waves them off. What Loki hasn't realized is the illusion he had placed around his neck was slowly flickering, giving away to Loki's bone-exhaustion. ]

There. Off you go.

[ iv. wildcard ]

[ Loki will be around, killing kidnappers, healing people and sort of drifting here and there, checking up on people. Post-event, you can meet him at Gramarye, in his office or doing a few quiet lectures or around Riverview in general. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I hate to break it to you, bubbale, but he probably already knows something is wrong.

[They've known each other for centuries and centuries, Thor can read Loki easily enough, in Taako's experience. ]

[ He purses his lips. ]

Unfortunately. But all the same, I rather not. I prefer to keep him in the dark a little longer.

I thought you guys were kinda past all that.

[Keeping secrets from each other and all. There's no judgment in his tone, but maybe there's a little gentle nudging, because he does think that Loki should try to talk to Thor about whatever this is.]

[ Loki grimaces. ]

It's a complicated situation. And not really a secret per se.

But you're not ready to talk to him about it yet?

[It's probably a little selfish, but it makes him feel slightly better about the fact that Loki won't talk to him, either.]

It would just be another sufferance I revisit upon him. And I'm — tired of that. I'm tired of only bringing pain.

[ His fingers reach up to scratch at the bandages at his neck. ]

I do not know . . . if what happened is the end of it all.

[He doesn't miss that movement, and quietly figures that Loki was probably lying about Laura being responsible for whatever happened.

It's okay, he doesn't mind, but at least now he has a better guess about what went down.]

If it's your future, he's gonna find out one way or another. Better it comes from you, yeah?

Is it?

[ Loki turns to look at Taako, a sliver of desperation in his eyes. ]

Is anything truly better when it comes from me? I promised him and I find I want nothing more than to break every oath under the sky.

[There are two options here, he realizes, and neither of them are ones he wants to hear. But he has to know.]

What happened, bubbale?

[It's as gentle as he can manage; he doesn't want to press the issue but he needs to know if he's going to answer what Loki's asking.]

[ Loki hisses, shaking his head at himself. ]

I can't.

You died, didn't you?

[The other option was that Loki betrayed Thor in a way that's unforgivable, but Taako doesn't think that's really possible anymore and he doesn't think it would explain this. The injury, the hesitation, that barely-held-together look that he's seen before.

The words taste bitter, but he thinks they're true.]

[ His breath catches in his throat. Every movement is a giveaway, the precursor to a landslide that Loki has been holding back ever since he returned. Every little detail was repressed, hidden, but after months of spending his time in Riverview, it was harder to return to old habits when he had changed.

Too little, too late to matter. Destiny still arrives. ]

I . . . believe so. I woke up here . . . afterwards.

Fuck.

[Taako knows people that are dead, who died and came to the Quarantine as a second chance and that sucks but it's... it doesn't hurt the way this does. It's different, somehow, maybe because it feels like something that could have been changed, could have been stopped, if only they'd known.

He's died a dozen times, he's watched the people he loves die even more times, and he still has no idea what to say right now. So he doesn't say anything, just closes the distance between them to pull Loki into a hug, going up on tip toes to let him wrap his arms around Loki's shoulders.

It doesn't feel like enough, but it's all he has.]

[ His chest shudders with the weight of Taako and the rest upon him, as Loki wraps his arms around his back. Taako's sorrow doesn't surprise him but it is a strange, unnatural thing to be mourned. The only person he knew who had ever cared was Thor. Asgard hadn't. Long ago, he thought it would have made him feel better. To know that his passing mattered, that it made a difference to people's lives.

Now he simply feels gutted and robbed of all the things he had only started dreaming of. Loki's feelings bubble up in his chest. ]

I wasn't ready this time. I wasn't ready.

[He wants to argue it, maybe Loki will be fine, he's gotten close to death before and survived, so perhaps this is just another occasion of the same, but... it wouldn't fix anything, not if it's what Loki believes.

The best he can do right now is try to be a reassuring presence, which he does by smoothing down Loki's hair, something that Lup has always done for him when he's hurting.]

I know, I know. I'm sorry, darling.

[It's useless platitudes, but what else can he say?]

[ He shivers, burrowing his face in Taako's hair, breathing it out. He's alive and right now, that does matter but everything else has been taken away again and Loki struggles to know where to start, where to rebuild. ]

I can't tell him.

[That's what he's here for; Taako isn't affectionate with Loki in quite the same way he is with Lup or the rest of the IPRE, but physical comfort is easy to offer.]

You can't tell him or you don't want him to know?

[Because if it's just that Loki can't deliver the bad news himself, Taako would do it.]

Both.

[ Every time he considers it, the words clog up his throat, making it difficult to breathe. In all honesty, Loki is still trying to remember, trying to remove the equation of a Titan's hands around his throat, squeezing his blood out. ]

[That isn't much of an answer, so he might as well make the offer.]

If you want me to talk to him, I can do it. Give him some time to come to terms with you before you have to talk about it.

[He doesn't know if that would be better or worse, but he'll leave it in Loki's hands to decide. Thor has to find out eventually, and the longer it's kept a secret, the more upset he'll be.]

[ Shame floods his system. It's cowardly, how easy it would be, to hand that decision over to someone else. ]

I couldn't do that. To you or to him.

You don't gotta worry about me.

[Taako is nothing if not self-serving, but that doesn't matter in circumstances like these; Loki is one of the people he'll put himself in danger for, or deal with something unpleasant for.]

But I get it.

[He told Lup himself, when he thought he might've died in Fearun, but that was uncertain, and death isn't the same for all of them.]

It'll be better, once you tell him, this isn't the kinda shit you want to carry yourself.

You know I do.

[ He feels bad enough as it is. It's a strange pressure, to know that there are people who are concerned about him. Before, Loki would have given anything to know what that's like. Now, it just feels heavy, like he's carrying the weight of more than one person. ]

I just don't see how it'll be better. Thor has mourned me twice. I just don't see how I can do it again.

You know how many times I thought I'd lost Lup?

[It's a lot. The first time she'd died in a cycle, even though they'd seen others come back, he'd been terrified that somehow it wouldn't work for her. Dying together under the glare of the Judges, not knowing if Lucretia would be able to get the Starblaster out of the plane at the end of the year. Watching her become a lich. Waking up one morning to find her gone. Forgetting her.

But he'd do it a hundred times again for her.]

He's got you here, neither of you have to do this alone, not right now.

[ He can't. That's the litany running through his mind. He can't do this to Thor again, he was supposed to be better, he can't. Loki pulls back a little, trying to catch his breath. His heart stutters. ]

I'll simply be revisiting my pain upon him.

He'd rather know.

[Taako lets Loki go but makes no move himself, not wanting to seem as though he's pulling away.]

Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. You know that, right?

[Loki can't blame himself for this, as if it's something he's responsible for.]

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