[ open ] if we're all just cynics come undone

[dothelokimotion]

who: Loki + You
what: Rescuing + Canon update
when: June 15th + Late June
where: Around!
warnings: Spoilers for Infinity War, violence


[ Loki awakens.

It was startling, like he had forgotten how to breathe and submerged underwater for all his days. His chest heaves, fits of coughing wrestling his voice away from him as the doctors clamor above him, gloved hands resting on his shoulders. Violently, Loki shakes them off, immediately climbing out of bed and fleeing the hospital. Hospital. How had he ended up here? How —

A few blocks away, Loki stops, his back resting against the wall. Trembling, his fingers go upwards, touching his neck and drawing back with a hiss. Loki cannot see them but he can feel it. Dark finger-brands upon his skin, squeezing the life out of him, until he couldn't breathe, he couldn't see Thor, spots dancing in his vision, and thinking I don't want to go, I don't want to go —

He slides against the wall, boneless, leaning his head back. The sky looked so blue. His throat aches.

I could have done it, father! I could have done it. For you! For all of you.

Odin was right all along. Loki never could have done it. ]

[ i. infiltration, open to hostages and infiltrators joining him. ]

[ When Loki learned of the kidnappings and who had been taken, his anger overpowered any lingering feelings of self-loathing and tragedy. It was a task he could throw himself into, even as he constantly doubts any effort made in his part. Doubts the ability in his hands, the power in his bones. He would like nothing more than to squirrel himself away, cut off all ties. He didn't want to try anymore only to fail. He can't do it, he knows that now.

But . . . he found he couldn't stop either. For that, Loki blames Thor and curses him constantly under his breath as he and Jim sneak into the base, under heavy illusions, similar to the ones he has placed around his neck. The wound there was slow healing and even Loki's voice bore the slight twinge of soreness. Thankfully, he is nothing if not an excellent pretender.

Jim shoots a few people down, but Loki swats the men away. Steps on a man's neck as he makes his way through. Once they cleared the area, Loki drops part of the illusion to the hostages, his voice sharp and curt. ]

We're leaving. Can you get up?

[ ii. brawl ]

[ It had been bloody but short. Blissfully short. Loki doesn't join the medics (his healing gifts were mediocre and he is not in the mood to help out the entire community). He should approach his . . . friends. Family. But strength fails him as he stands there, looking hopelessly lost. Loki should be proud, shouldn't he? He managed to help, it didn't fall apart.

He should be proud.

He feels none of these things.

One of the kidnappers (missed by the general chaos) rushes at him, but Loki easily turns and grabs him by the throat. Squeezes. And then lets go with a gasp, colour draining from his face. The kidnapper stumbles back, confused but seeing an opportunity and rushes at Loki again.

Loki who is frozen stiff and cannot move. ]

[ iii. aftermath ]

[ Loki doesn't join the healers (he considers his skills in that area mediocre), but he does stop by a few people, healing them of minor gashes and wounds. He doesn't make eye contact. They come and go, and Loki is oddly mute, no quicksilver lines and retorts passing through his lips. Breath in, breath out. He waves them off. What Loki hasn't realized is the illusion he had placed around his neck was slowly flickering, giving away to Loki's bone-exhaustion. ]

There. Off you go.

[ iv. wildcard ]

[ Loki will be around, killing kidnappers, healing people and sort of drifting here and there, checking up on people. Post-event, you can meet him at Gramarye, in his office or doing a few quiet lectures or around Riverview in general. ]

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki opens the door. His throat is bandaged up and there's a faint bump on his side, indicating that he's bandaged his stomach as well. His jacket hangs loosely on his shoulders, the faintest smudge of dark circles under his eyes. ]

Lucretia.

[scholiast]

(She can't remember ever having seen Loki injured before. For a moment her gaze lingers on his throat, then lifts. He looks tired. In contrast, Lucretia's had her wounds seen to and treated, has caught up on her rest; she feels more or less as good as new.)

I... wanted to come and thank you, for helping me.

(It's not the only reason she's here, but it's a good start.)

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki frowns lightly at that. ]

It's hardly necessary.

[scholiast]

(Lucretia frowns, but tries to shrug it off. Fine, she'll go in guns blazing if she has to.)

Either way, I'm grateful. Loki; what happened?

[dothelokimotion]

[ His expression shutters briefly as he responds, coolly. ]

Besides the large kidnapping and getting stabbed? Not much.

[scholiast]

(She relents, tone softening slightly.)

When were you stabbed? Was that in accordance with... (she gestures to her own neck.)

[dothelokimotion]

[ It is difficult to repress the urge to touch his neck. Every time it is called into attention, Loki wants to touch it, just to remind himself that breath still flows in his body. That he's alive. It all seems so fake, even if this is his third time. ]

No. Laura panicked and I was the closest body available.

[scholiast]

Ah.

(Beverly was similarly stabbed in a moment of panic by Laura too, albeit a long time ago now. Was Laura taken too? Lucretia can't help but feel a little stab of anger at the thought.)

You heal relatively fast though, right? Like Thor?

[dothelokimotion]

I do.

[ He heals from everything. It's a double-edged sword. ]

But I am a little . . . tired of late.

[scholiast]

I noticed.

(She finally comes in properly, and closes the door behind her with a click.)

Why is that?

[dothelokimotion]

[ He stiffens, tense and alert. ]

I'm quite sure I do not need to explain lethargy.

[scholiast]

This isn't about lethargy.

I'm worried about you.

[dothelokimotion]

That is pointless.

[ Every nerve in his body hums in pain. His voice is drawn out, a rattle that ends with a hiss. ]

It is base sentiment that does nothing. It changes nothing. Why should I care who frets and who worries? Why should it matter to me?

[scholiast]

(Lucretia glances away, biting the inside of her cheek. It's tempting to leave if he's going to act like this, but she stands her ground:)

Because I think you say these things defensively to keep people away from discovering what is hurting you, and that you don't actually mean it. Am I wrong? Or aren't we as friendly as I think we are?

You don't have to care if I worry about you or not Loki, but if you truly feel that way then tell me so. I'll stop wasting my time.

[dothelokimotion]

[ His expression drops slightly, his first telling concession before it shutters. He purses his lips, shaking his head slightly. She wants an out. Fine. Loki can do that much. ]

Yes. I feel that way.

[scholiast]

(Lucretia looks back at him sharply, taken aback.

She hadn't been expecting such an easy concede.)

... Do you? Or are you saying what you think I want you to say?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki huffs. He is so tired. Tired of trying, tired of dying. Tired of the cycle. His voice is hoarse, dragged over cement. ]

The truth of Loki is simple. Narrow. I'm not capable of such things. I never was.

[ He smiles, bittersweet. ]

So you get to be right after all.

[scholiast]

That's ridiculous; you are as if a maze were a person, (Lucretia says, and perhaps she sounds bitter. She hates the way that Loki huffs, as if what she says doesn't matter. Has this relationship meant nothing to him? Has it always been this way? Did it ever evolve past Loki deigning to put up with her presence?)

I don't want to be right. You are– trying to shove me away, because you think you don't deserve a single, extended hand. Why.

/2

[dothelokimotion]

Because I died!

[dothelokimotion]

[ The sentence leaves his lungs, an explosion. It drains whatever energy he had left and he sags visibly. He hadn't realized how much it would hurt to say, because it made it real. His many deaths had been a joke, one Loki had played easily because the truth of it was worse. If people saw it as anything else, Loki couldn't bear it.

He hated the truths. Especially self-evident ones about himself. ]

I was killed. And then I came back.

[scholiast]

(The sudden admission makes her jump a little due to its force and in the silence that follows she simply looks at him. She's trying to glean extra information from his expression, the way that he droops. To her it indicates that this isn't something that can be fixed. It wasn't a trick, or a joke. It was real.

After a moment's pause, she tries again, softer this time. Gentler.)

What happened?

[dothelokimotion]

[ He turns his gaze away pointedly. ]

It is not a story worth telling. Someone long ago promised my death. And saw it fulfilled.

[scholiast]

Okay.

(That's fine. Baby steps. If this were somebody else, she might have tried to reach out to them in some way, take their hand. She's not sure Loki will allow this though. It may be too much pushing, so she holds fast.)

I'm sorry, Loki. That it happened at all.

[dothelokimotion]

Don't.

[ He swallows. ]

Three times was pushing my luck.

[scholiast]

(She nods, understanding.)

If... you ever want to talk about it, I'll always listen.