[ open ] if we're all just cynics come undone

[dothelokimotion]

who: Loki + You
what: Rescuing + Canon update
when: June 15th + Late June
where: Around!
warnings: Spoilers for Infinity War, violence


[ Loki awakens.

It was startling, like he had forgotten how to breathe and submerged underwater for all his days. His chest heaves, fits of coughing wrestling his voice away from him as the doctors clamor above him, gloved hands resting on his shoulders. Violently, Loki shakes them off, immediately climbing out of bed and fleeing the hospital. Hospital. How had he ended up here? How —

A few blocks away, Loki stops, his back resting against the wall. Trembling, his fingers go upwards, touching his neck and drawing back with a hiss. Loki cannot see them but he can feel it. Dark finger-brands upon his skin, squeezing the life out of him, until he couldn't breathe, he couldn't see Thor, spots dancing in his vision, and thinking I don't want to go, I don't want to go —

He slides against the wall, boneless, leaning his head back. The sky looked so blue. His throat aches.

I could have done it, father! I could have done it. For you! For all of you.

Odin was right all along. Loki never could have done it. ]

[ i. infiltration, open to hostages and infiltrators joining him. ]

[ When Loki learned of the kidnappings and who had been taken, his anger overpowered any lingering feelings of self-loathing and tragedy. It was a task he could throw himself into, even as he constantly doubts any effort made in his part. Doubts the ability in his hands, the power in his bones. He would like nothing more than to squirrel himself away, cut off all ties. He didn't want to try anymore only to fail. He can't do it, he knows that now.

But . . . he found he couldn't stop either. For that, Loki blames Thor and curses him constantly under his breath as he and Jim sneak into the base, under heavy illusions, similar to the ones he has placed around his neck. The wound there was slow healing and even Loki's voice bore the slight twinge of soreness. Thankfully, he is nothing if not an excellent pretender.

Jim shoots a few people down, but Loki swats the men away. Steps on a man's neck as he makes his way through. Once they cleared the area, Loki drops part of the illusion to the hostages, his voice sharp and curt. ]

We're leaving. Can you get up?

[ ii. brawl ]

[ It had been bloody but short. Blissfully short. Loki doesn't join the medics (his healing gifts were mediocre and he is not in the mood to help out the entire community). He should approach his . . . friends. Family. But strength fails him as he stands there, looking hopelessly lost. Loki should be proud, shouldn't he? He managed to help, it didn't fall apart.

He should be proud.

He feels none of these things.

One of the kidnappers (missed by the general chaos) rushes at him, but Loki easily turns and grabs him by the throat. Squeezes. And then lets go with a gasp, colour draining from his face. The kidnapper stumbles back, confused but seeing an opportunity and rushes at Loki again.

Loki who is frozen stiff and cannot move. ]

[ iii. aftermath ]

[ Loki doesn't join the healers (he considers his skills in that area mediocre), but he does stop by a few people, healing them of minor gashes and wounds. He doesn't make eye contact. They come and go, and Loki is oddly mute, no quicksilver lines and retorts passing through his lips. Breath in, breath out. He waves them off. What Loki hasn't realized is the illusion he had placed around his neck was slowly flickering, giving away to Loki's bone-exhaustion. ]

There. Off you go.

[ iv. wildcard ]

[ Loki will be around, killing kidnappers, healing people and sort of drifting here and there, checking up on people. Post-event, you can meet him at Gramarye, in his office or doing a few quiet lectures or around Riverview in general. ]

Comments

[scholiast]

(She nods, understanding.)

If... you ever want to talk about it, I'll always listen.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki laughs, wiping his face with his hand. ]

No one knows. Thor does't even remember. I rather not have this go public.

[scholiast]

It doesn't have to go public. I know how to keep a secret.

(Her mouth twitches into a glimmer of a smile, expression sardonic.)

I... just want the option of talking to be available to you. That's all.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki stares because he doesn't know what to make of that. Neither Thor or Loki have ever been good at talking. It's not an instinct that was cultivated in their household and Loki, more than most, has learned to keep his mouth shut and head low. It's only the recent years that he's started holding his chin up. ]

I . . . will not forget it.

[scholiast]

Good.

(She wouldn't be surprised by such an admission if he told her as much.)

It's... hard, to keep feelings like that to yourself. To deal with it alone.

[dothelokimotion]

As I said, it is my . . . third time.

[ His chuckle has no humour. ]

I should be desensitized to it by now.

[scholiast]

(Lucretia snorts.)

I've died... thirty-two, thirty-three times?

It doesn't get any easier. It hurts. You miss things. (People miss you.)

[dothelokimotion]

[ He doesn't say anything. ]

I think this . . . was the first time I didn't want to go.

I wasn't ready.

[scholiast]

(He's wanted to die before? Is that what he means?

Lucretia's expression scrunches a little, uncertain, sad.)

Will you come back again?

[dothelokimotion]

I don't know.

[ He is a God. But Thanos was a Titan. Who has long put fear into Loki's marrow. He cannot recall a time when he wasn't surprised of what Thanos would do to him. What other horrors he would place in Loki's skin. ]

[scholiast]

I hope that you do.

(The thought that he will come to fatal harm makes her uneasy.) When will this happen? Is it far away?

[dothelokimotion]

It already happened.

[ A soft exhale. ]

I died. And woke up in Riverview's hospital.

[scholiast]

(So it wasn't a memory he received, but something he experienced. Lucretia looks very tired for a moment.)

Will you stay here, then?

(If he doesn't leave, he doesn't go back to that.)

[dothelokimotion]

[ That question takes him off guard because Loki hadn't fully considered the ramifications of his death. To him, it seemed like a inevitability. An end he was always meant to face. He wasn't a hero, after all. Loki's the monster at the end of the book. How could he expect anything else?

( but he did and he had. and it made him look all the more foolish ) ]

I don't know.

[scholiast]

(No doubt it's complicated. Perhaps Loki won't know until the day he finds out he is able to leave. Lucretia is momentarily torn between telling him that she would miss him if he left and saying nothing about it, but the latter wins out. It just isn't her place, and she doesn't want to put pressure on him.)

Will you tell me if you do?

[dothelokimotion]

[ He would really prefer not to. Leaving quietly seems like the best option, for everyone involved. Loki doesn't want to make promises he feels he can't keep. He's certainly hasn't kept any of the ones he promised before. ]

I can try.

[scholiast]

Okay.

(This is probably the most she's going to get out of him. For now, at least.)

Thank you. (She won't let that linger for too long, though; she comes a little closer to him, to look at his various bandaging.) Are you in pain?

[dothelokimotion]

Well. Yes.

[ Stabbing and strangulation does that to a person, even Loki. They're not normal wounds, after all. ]

But it's nothing that will not pass in time.

[scholiast]

But you're not taking anything for it? You don't have to suffer in silence, Loki.

(No matter how much he thinks otherwise, apparently.)

[dothelokimotion]

A little suffering is good for the soul, I hear.

[ He smiles at that. ]

Whatever I have managed to salvage, at least.

[scholiast]

If you insist.

(She looks a little exasperated, but fondly so.) Well, if you change your mind, my partner is in medicine. I can always, uh, 'hook you up'.

[dothelokimotion]

. . .

To . . . drugs?

[scholiast]

... Yes?

(Lucretia's only just keeping a straight face.)

To, uh, pain medication.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki frowns, mulling it over. ]

I do not know if they will work. Most medicines have no effect.

[scholiast]

I'd suggest you try it, but you seem more than happy to keep wallowing as you are.

(Whoops, a bit mean! Though it's something she would have said to Taako for example, so really it just shows that Lucretia cares.)