5 times Spider-man helped + 1 time Peter Parker didn't (open)

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who: Spider-Man!!!!
what: Being friendly and in the neighborhood
when: IDK now, tomorrow, some time, he's always working
where: Around Riverview.
warnings: Look out for purse snatchers, fam. They're out there.

Just a collection of inspired hero-help from the big spider boi truly.

I. It's Part of My Wardrobe

[When you see petty crimes as Spider-Man, you have to handle it — no ifs, ands, or buts. So it goes without saying that when he sees a dude running his ass off holding a purse, he has to consider two things: one, is the guy just into purses, which is 100% cool, and two, if he's not, then is he frantically racing to give a lady in his life her purse back that she had left at his place? Okay, no, he very clearly stole it, he's rifling through it on a park bench and trying to sniff out the money.

Suffice to say, the guy ends up danging from a tree by his butt, and Spider-Man is now wearing a fashionable purse on his shoulder as he swings around the neighborhood. He may even come swinging over to a fellow character (hey, hi, howdy) and hold up the purse in question (this purse is getting famous).]

Hey, excuse me! You know who this belongs to?

["It's totally your color!" Someone yells from the sidewalk as they go, and he gives a thumbs up.]

Thanks!!

II. The Case of the Cat-Callers.

[Oooor maybe you've got some weirdo following you, whistling or being a general nuisance. Spider-Man's got you covered there, too. He's got a sense for these things, y'know, and not just spidey sense. When you're in New York at 2 in the morning, you see plenty of assholes trying to be funny or gross. So he crawls along the side of the nearest building and goes PSSST at you, like it's totally normal for a dude to crawl on the wall and PSSST like he's so incognito (he's not, he knows, but it's formalities).]

Hey! Sorry, Perimeter Guard guy here. Is that guy giving you any trouble? You want me to walk with you or, like, knock his hat off his head? Maybe get his feet stuck to the ground?

[This seems to be the most logical choice in retaliation for harassment.]

III. A Doggy, I Love Doggies

[Spider-Man is also very helpful to the strays! I mean, they usually hiss and scratch him, because he's a weirdo in a onesie spandex suit with bug eyes, but not always! See: him walking a very large and almost cloud-like fuzzy dog — that is apparently as tall as he is — on a leash clearly made out of spider-webbing material.]

Excuse me! D'you know which way the shelter iiisSSSS—!!

[If you're wondering why his voice got all crazy there at the end, it's cuz the dog has seen a cat run by, and is currently whipping the poor spider dude to the left sharply as it gives chase. Don't worry, he plants his sticky feet and stops the excitable creature from dragging him into the distance.]

S-sorry, where was I — the shelter? Down, doggy! Good doggy! No cat murder!

IV. A Spider-Man and a Drunk Angry Alien Lady Walks In a Liquor Store...

[Oh, yes, the drunk and disorderly! Spider-Man knows them very well, too! He's just not used to the drunk, disorderly person to be a refugee alien lady with eight arms (heh, samesies, but also not) who is having some kind of existential crisis outside of what amounts to a liquor store. She's waving around a bottle of something S T R O N G and is throwing literal globs of acid in every which direction. Sorry if he swings in and picks ya' up from out of the way of the gal, he'll try to put you down carefully.]

Hey, c'mon, I'm sure there are better ways to handle this-

[Ow, ow, that's acid, that burns my arm.]

Note to self, avoid the green sizzling stuff—!! Look out, everyone, back up!

[Maybe he should just web her up, maybe get some water into her? Wait for the authorities to get her sober? Seems like a plan! Just watch y'alls steps while he gets her settled down oh god please don't projectile vomit at me— He maybe catches something about a no good dirty cheater? Oh honey, there are better ways to cope—]

V. Wildcard

[Got your own personal crisis? Need directions? Got a tire that needs changing? Maybe you need help with your math homework at a park. I dunno, man, but Spider-Man's good for that stuff, too. Or he'll try his best to be.]

+I. PSA on Naps



[Peter Parker is not Spider-Man, at the moment, so he's not helping anyone out.

But he is splayed under a tree at the park, so exhausted from dealing with the drunk acid-throwing lady that he has passed out unceremoniously with his legs and arms akimbo in the grass; one of the arms appears to be bandaged, and there's a little burn mark on his cheek and other hand, but nothing too concerning. Though he does look like he might as well have been knocked out by an acorn that hit him on the head, from how dead to the world he is.

It's just another day, another weird night, but boy it's hard when you're not remotely used to the terrain... And you're, like, dealing with way tougher crowds than you're used to...

Judging from the bag opened up and half-dumped of books, he was gonna try to do some reading and relax. He'll get up at some point. Just. Give him a few... minutes... hours. Thank god there's no school right now.]

Comments

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[Oh, well, go ahead and inspect his work. He'll wait patiently, swaying a little on his feet like he's waiting in an elevator. Once the guy seems content, he considers how to reply to that — mainly because reactions to him have been so crazy varied, he's not sure what to expect. He points a finger toward the feathered friend.]

After you tell me why you have a hardcore bird on your shoulder.

[somnioergosum]

[Asking permission was for lesser beings-- or at least politer ones than Ronan Lynch. Though he considered being less rude at the word "hardcore." He almost smiled but what he did was give his raven an approving look.

That'll do, Chainsaw. That'll do.]

What's wrong? Never met a guy with a raven for a pet?

[Smug? Maybe.]

She's needy. Likes to chill with me.

[As if in affirmation, Chainsaw croaked out "Kerah."]

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... Kinda simple compared to, like, a dramatic YA fantasy novel reason, but fair enough.

[Hey Chainsaw, how's it going.]

Back home, I'm a superhero; I look out for the people in my city.

So I figure I'd just do the usual here, since I'm stuck.

[somnioergosum]

Life's more interesting than a book. You're an idiot if you don't know that by now.

[He pointed not at Peter but at the hand that holds the leash. That gesture could have said on its own: 'nuff said.]

You know there are plenty of people who do crazy shit here and don't wear masks.

[This was rich coming from Ronan, who would have done exactly the same thing if so inclined. He just would have chosen something other than a spider.]

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Considering I swing around on webs and stick to walls, yeah, I got the memo.

[Sheesh.]

... The mask's usually to protect my friends and family.

Last thing you want is some baddie figuring out who you love. But here?

I guess I'm still working it out. Might as well stay on brand?

[somnioergosum]

[Ronan's own mask started to slip. At that answer, he nearly smiled. It was almost a shame he didn't know who this really was. He'd just have to be an asshole to him again later, all without knowing.]

Point. You never know when some nutjob's going to pop out of that portal. And there're still all these people throwing their powers and shit around like they're Houdini, getting themselves into shit and sure they're gonna get right out no problem.

[As he talked, he set off in the direction of the shelter, pausing only to see how Peter managed with the dog.]

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[It seems he's not really having too much trouble now, though that's sort of the fun thing about it — when the huge dog jerks at the leash, you'd expect Spider-Man to go flying with the force of it. But he most certainly does not, just patiently pulls the critter back in.]

Pretty much, yeah. I just don't want any trouble following me back.

And anyway, it's helpful to be a sore thumb. I'd rather bad dudes focus on me than civilians.

[somnioergosum]

[Ronan looked away from Spandex-Man and stared straight ahead. He set a steady pace, one that wasn't terribly fast. After all, they had an easily excited dog on their hands. Best not to encourage him.]

You say that like you're in the military. Is that what they do to people who dress like that in your world?

[Ronan's voice was distant as he considered this. Bug Eye Man wanted to draw danger away from others and onto himself alone. Meanwhile, Ronan sat at home and did jack shit these days.]

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Oh, no, no. I'm a vigilante type hanging around New York. Nothing military here.

I would be the worst in the service; they're crazy awesome, way more awesome than me.

[Really, Peter Parker as an actual soldier would be a fucking weird sight.]

I just... uh. I have these powers to do good, so I try to use them responsibly, is all.

[somnioergosum]

You don't say.

[He hadn't expected it outside of some mandatory recruitment program or something, which would render the point of a mask moot. The fact that he used the word civilian anyway told Ronan something about his mindset.]

So you responsibly beat up criminals outside of the law and rescue stray dogs whenever you want. Pretty sweet gig, Bug Eye. Whenever I beat up a criminal I get handcuffed.

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Aaah, I'm not exactly the 'beat-up' kind of guy... [Yes, he did do quote-unquote fingers there.] I try not to beat people up, anyway. Easier to just stop them by just webbing them up. But I'm sure if I stick around longer, someone would try to slap cuffs on me.

[He knows not everyone is cool with the bug guy zipping around and handling stuff.]

The day I get arrested for getting a cat out of a tree'll be a sad one, though.

[somnioergosum]

Beating 'em up is better than leaving putting a spider web bow tie on them and leaving them as an anonymous gift. More fun. The police will nail you anyway for the cats. Trespassing on private property. Might as well have fun.

[Wait. Did they even have trees on private property in New York City? Ronan couldn't remember any.]

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Ah, well. We'll see about that.

[Without missing a beat:]

Hopefully the cats don't turn me in.

[somnioergosum]

I wouldn't count on it. They're ungrateful little bastards. I'd bribe them with a mouse to be safe.

[The tone of his voice had changed just a little, but enough to tell he was joking.

He reached into his jeans pockets and flicked a bird treat in the air. Chainsaw went after it, leaving claw marks in his shoulder. Not that she cared once she caught the treat.]

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[Spider-Man winces at the marks.]

I guess every kind of pet has its cons.

[Here he is, wrangling an overexcited dog, and there you are, getting beat up by a bird.]

[somnioergosum]

[Ronan had flinched when Chainsaw took off but other than that his expression changed very little. Instead he watched as she gulped the treat down. She'd done it so many times he forgot how it looked or maybe he counted on it.

He glanced down at his shoulder, looking mildly annoyed. Then again, the extra scratches in his tank top looked pretty cool. He looked up again and smirked.]

Sure, I have to worry about her repeating all the shit I say.

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Hey, hey.

[He motions to the bird, deadpan.]

Language.

[somnioergosum]

[Ronan waved his hand.]

Hey, she's a good bird. She wouldn't--

[And that was when Chainsaw opened her mouth and cawed... "Kerah."

Oh, thank God.]

See? I can think of worse things for her to say.

[He adjusted his shirt to try and cover marks on his skin.]

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[He cocks his head to the side, almost bird-like himself. For a Spider-dude, anyway.]

Kerah?

[somnioergosum]

It's her name for me and her favorite word.

[He shrugged.]

Pets are weird. God knows what that guy's hiding behind his smirk.

[He looked at the dog they were ferrying to shelter. He did seem rather pleased with himself, the mutt.]

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Huh. I mean, corvids are crazy smart, so that makes sense.

[The dog, though, not so much...

Oh, but look at that — speaking of ferrying to the shelter, it looks like they're close!]

Does she know any other words?

[somnioergosum]

[Chainsaw returned to Ronan, resting on the same shoulder. She might have been unnerved by the smell of so many animals or just sensed that their journey was about to come to an end.]

Nice to know someone out there appreciates them.

[He gently stroked Chainsaw's beak but she her only response was to turn her head away.]

Nah, like I said. She mostly repeats shit.

[He smirked at having repeated the word that started this. Sometimes you just have to go out of your way to be an ass.]

She knows the basics anyway. My boyfriend taught her some Latin. But looks like she's done showing off.

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Good! Nobody likes a show-off!

[But he sounds like he's just ribbing ya', Chainsaw, sounding pleased as pie.]

And I guess just in time; I'll get this big guy settled in, and hopefully a, uh... giant. Or something. Adopts him. Someone super tall who can pick up what he throws down.

[somnioergosum]

I'll send the first giant I see his way.

[Having already adopted several dogs-- and a lazy cat, Ronan didn't think Adam would appreciate another surprise pet without discussing it. So as they finally came to the shelter, he took a step back.]

And there you go, Bug Eye. You saved the dog.