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I always behave ...

[ Billy's laughter is all Loki wants to listen to until the end of time (whenever that comes around again), nuzzling a cheek as best he can while ignoring the clink of metal snapping shut. The delving kisses keep him preoccupied as he tests the restraints, getting a cramp in the leg bent over a shoulder and trying to slide it around Billy's waist with the other so his balance is better off when his arms are pulled back. It's annoying, as kinks go, but so far that's all he experiences. Magic threads over his tongue onto Billy's, carrying a moan. ]

Move, please. I can't bear this waiting.

( i always behave and billy's laughing again, shifting knees forward a little to press closer, a steadying hand on loki's hip as he starts to move inside of him--giving himself the time to gather himself helped enough, hips beginning to move to a nice, steady, slow pace--pulling back before grinding in forward, head of his cock pressing up along loki's inner walls before he's rolling himself back once more.

slow, but comfortable. not overwhelming on billy's part even if it feels too good, and gives him plenty of space to focus on running his hands over loki's body, groping along pecs, fingers one one hand wrapping around his cock to stroke him in time with each thrust. loki likes the taste of his magic, too--so billy provides that with what concentration he can hold--fizzed fingers gripping onto his cock, thumb flicking over the head of loki's erection, magic-coated fingers digging in to the skin of his chest. he may be inside of him, but his attention is fully focused on pleasing loki. )

Love you.

[ Billy may not be the smoothest lover in the galaxy but he has a certain finesse when it comes to dealing with Loki in particular, knowing (just as he says) how to keep him aroused with flecks of intimately conjured magic and a drawn-out rhythm from generous hips, both factors enough to keep the godling writhing even without the obliging fist that surrounds his rigid cock. The nails make his arms jerk, forgetting he can't touch him back, and he growls to try and bury the uneasy feeling in his gut.

Loki lets Billy's love wash over him from their bond, relaxing as he concentrates on it. ]

I ... I also, ah ...

( it's nice to not be overwhelmed, for once. still whemled, but not--pushed to the point that he can't think. can't focus on the body below him. loki always reaches to overload billy and he--likes it, hell. it'd be lying to deny it. he likes the push and shove being with loki brings him but he likes giving it, too.

billy lets his mouth slide lower, bites his way down the line of loki's neck with enough magic to make marks stick--at least for a little while. he wants to see bruises on his lover's neck as much as loki likes covering billy in them. and hips never quite stop, even if he stutters in his pace every few thrusts, needing to take a moment to breathe so he doesn't lose his shit again. his fist never pauses around loki's cock, even when the pace does start exhausting him; he wants to keep his godling on that edge, one he, too, enjoys. )

I--don't want to be selfish, with you. Not now.

You're not, you're d-doing so well.

[ If only Loki could ignore the fact he can't touch him. Everything is such a lovely balm, arousal coiling tightly in his gut whenever Billy's thick cockhead rubs deliciously over a prostate to leave Loki making soft noises that would humiliate him elsewhere. It's so good, this wholesome relationship that fills him with something other than self-loathing and makes him feel worthy, his cock leaking as though to underscore how much he could bask in their bed.

He sucks in a breath at the bites, surprised when they actually twinge before he realises what Billy is doing. Oh. Green eyes close, willing himself to relax and enjoy such lavish attention. He can't get his hands into Billy's hair, only watch as a head bows close to his throat and heart. Through the odd apprehension he remains hard, swallowing a lump. ]

( loki wouldn't lie to him, like this. not when billy's trying his best to work over him, touch him, kiss him in ways that he enjoys and show him how deep that love does go. each soft noise is met with stronger thrusts, with shudders racking down billy's spine because he caused that, he's helping make loki feel good, and it feels--great.

his mouth trails down lower, leaving bitemarks in it's wake as he moans. bites into loki's chest right above his heart and gives a much, much harder thrust--pressing in deep with a shallow breath before he's pulling back out a bit again. and slowly pressing in once more, angling hips for loki's prostate with every thrust.

because he's not going to last much longer, and hell if he's going to come without taking loki down with him. )

[ Toes curling and back arching, he finds himself torn between desperately needing to come and a breathlessness that has nothing to do with the exertion sex brings, a tightening in his chest. It's a hindrance, like a swelling in the back of his tongue that makes it hard to breathe when a familiarly sickening sensation knocks his desire off-kilter. Loki tightens the grip his thighs have around Billy's waist to try and halt those deep thrusts, arousal shot through with queasiness that he's pinned. Lashed in place, as the melodramatic whispers in his brain insist (he wishes they would fall forever silent). Last time there was a chair and bolted iron cuffs, a wrinkled face leering so close he could feel the sour breath and feared his unwillingly bare chest would be marred by nails or teeth.

It's been almost two years, he should be over this by now. ]

Billy, [ croaking out a small, embarrassed plea, the headboard creaks as his arms tense up and it takes every ounce of courage he has to speak up, ] Billy, stop. Something's ...

[ Wrong. ]

( those thighs around his waist have more strength in them than billy has in his entire body; they tighten and press close and that's all the hint billy needs to figure out something's off. it's one thing to pull him in, pull him closer, but loki knows that billy can't move much if he's--holding onto him that tight.

billy pulls his head back enough to look down to loki, see the look on his face, hears the tone in his voice that speaks--volumes regardless of how quiet it is. he doesn't need anything else, the stop is plenty when voiced. any arousal still felt on his part is put off, thrown to the side because that shit doesn't matter when loki's like this. no more movements on his part, but those thighs keep him from pulling out.

instead billy shifts both hands up, moves one to thread fingers into loki's hair, gently petting strands away from his face as he lowers his tone, reaches up between them with still magic-fizzed fingers to wrap around the chain and break cuffs apart--loki could have handled that himself, he's sure, but there's no need to wait on him.

when he speaks, it's with a soft, gentle tone, murmuring softly as he presses a soft kiss to loki's cheek, tries to be comforting even if he's not quite sure what's wrong. ) --sorry. I've got you, Loki. Can you let go? I can't--pull out when you've got me. It's okay. Are you okay?

[ As if remembering the grip he has on him, his legs drop to either side and he digs his heels into the bed to help him separate them, sliding a few inches up on the bed with the push. His arms tuck beneath him as he twists his upper-body away and Loki shies into a pillow, shamefully hunched from sight, forehead pressed there as he pants through parted lips. The warmth of his own hands on his chest is what helps him to speak around irregular inhalations.

He fucking hates this. He hates the King and he hates the Old Man and he hates everyone who ever advocated torture, because it scars a soul. His own feels taut in his body, like it doesn't quite fit his limbs and don'tthinkofprisonsofmetalorflesh.

His voice is quiet, mumbled. ]

I'm sorry, it's not a game. It's no trick, I can't ...

( legs off and body moving up at a speed surprising to even billy and he--knows better than to chase after him. than to try and touch loki again, so he--doesn't. just takes a deep steadying breath of his own, shifts back to sit on his heels. takes another breath and very quietly wishes slacks into place, because sitting in the nude feels. extremely inappropriate right now.

he gets it. this isn't the first panic attack he's been witness to, but they've--usually been his own. having an understanding of what's going on doesn't make--trying to find the appropriate way to respond any easier. )

I--I know, it's okay. It's not your fault. I'm--. . do you need space? I can go.

[ Humiliation runs rampant through his veins, cold and searing. Loki takes a few breaths and leans up on a bent arm, a hand pressed under his heart as if timid to let go of his chest in case his breath tightens again. A glance is cast Billy's way but doesn't (can't) make eye-contact. Black curtains fall in Loki's face, a sweaty shield. ]

If you want to.

[ It doesn't make much sense to Loki, how irrelevant all his personal growth has been when his fear was sparked. Billy must be mortified. ]

I'm sorry.

[ Again. ]

( if you want to so, no. he's not sure how welcome using the bond loki forged to show that he's not--angry or upset with loki or anything would be when his head is probably already a mess, so billy chooses not to take that route. he doesn't like to be touched once he gets to the point loki's at, doesn't open up even if he never minded others speaking at him. loki isn't billy, but he's--hoping using his own experiences as a reference isn't going to make shit worse. )

It's not your fault. Really, I'm--not mad at you or anything. Promise. ( there are four hundred furs on this bed and at least one that's not currently being sat/laid on, so billy's. grabbing onto that, crawling up the bed a little to wrap it over loki. waits a few moments before settling in behind him--still a couple feet away, just in case. )

I. . used to get those a lot. I mean, I--I still do sometimes but less than before. It hurts--it's hard to breathe, it feels embarrassing, because it--shouldn't happen. Please don't. . feel embarrassed. Or apologize. I get it. I won't ever fault you for something like that. I promise.

[ With Billy's quiet ramblings as a balm, Loki sits up in the fur and leans toward him. He still can't quite look at him, but the tight lasso around his ribs has gone and all he is left with is shame. ]

It wasn't anything you did, you were wonderful. I loved ... the part with us.

[ Part of him guiltily wishes he hadn't spoiled it. The rational half tells him not to be so stupid.

Loki makes a fist outside of the fur blanket and the handcuffs immolate into dust, then nothing, the bed unscorched by green flames that die out as suddenly as they came. His hand drops to the sheets, reaching tentatively toward Billy. ]

That hasn't happened in a long time.

I know. ( the not being able to help reacting to things one shouldn't find negative in extremely negative ways. the panicking over things that don't make sense in their current context. the feeling of needing to curl up and just cease to be because clearly it's ruined everything. and loki isn't billy (there are more differences between them than similarities, everyone knows that) but he's. fairly certain what loki's going through right now. that hurt. the pain. embarrassment.

a hand reaches for him and billy eagerly takes it, entertaining their fingers while still keeping his distance. doesn't move closer; loki can close any distance he sees fit. he wants to repeat it again, it's not your fault, i'm sorry, don't feel embarrassed because billy remembers how shit he felt, doesn't want loki to feel the same. especially not now. maybe it's best not to say the same shit over and over again, what does he know. )

I've got you. ( fingers squeeze tight around loki's own. holding onto him like a lifeline. ) I'm-- ( sorry. but that won't help anything. there isn't guilt to go around between the two of them, trying to take it won't make anyone feel better. ) Do you want to talk about it?

[ Recognising the temperate way he's being handled, like a fragile mortal who may break (his pride oddly appreciates the fact he qualifies to be treated with such respect), Loki crawls over the short space that separates them and ducks his head on a shoulder, tugging Billy back down to the bed where he can cover Loki again. Perhaps most people can't bear to be touched after a panic attack but for Loki it's the opposite, he craves reassurance and companionship to chase the idiotic shame away. ]

I thought I would be over the issue. Truly, I wouldn't have brought the damned things into our bed if I knew a cold sweat was on the cards.

( permission granted, so billy wraps his way around loki--legs around hips, a hand brushing through his hair, fingers sifting through dark locks and slides up just enough to tuck his chin in over the top of his head. covers as much of loki as he can with his smaller form. there's no need for shame, here; he'll chase it away, banish that shit elsewhere. )

Sometimes it takes more than just--time? It's. . not your fault, really. I'm sorry it happened. We won't try that again.

Edited 2018-05-01 15:40 (UTC)

I'll make it up to you.

[ It feels like he ruined their reunion, as much as Billy insists he hasn't and that everything is okay. Loki curls up inside the shell of Billy's embrace and nuzzles the warmth of his heartbeat, tucked in close; he drapes his fur blanket around Billy in kind, somehow making his long-limbed form fit as he burrows between his boyfriend and the bed. ]

You were wonderful, I loved everything you did.

You don't need to. Really. I'm fine--more worried about you. ( another soft kiss pressed to the crown of loki's head, fingers sifting through his hair to gently pet him. there's no reason to stress him out any more than loki already is. billy definitely needs a shower, soon. sweaty and gross in ways that doesn't feel good anymore--but he can wait.

billy's--quiet for a moment, before he shifts to murmur into loki's hair: ) Because I'm great in bed.

[ It's lovely to be worried over, a small noise eking out of his throat as he nuzzles the dip of a clavicle. Pushes his head back into gentle fingers combing through his hair. The last vestiges of fear melt away, leaving him with a sense of peace that floods their bond.

He chuckles, nose rubbing a line over hot skin. ]

You are. No joke!

( that's--better. billy's own lips twist up into a smile in response, pressing another kiss against loki's hair, this time. holding him close, fingers tangling in strands to give gentle tugs to them. )

You're cute. Even if you're a menace.

[ He looks up at that with a proud smile, cheered up by the praise and flattery as only he could be. A kiss tips up to catch those soft lips, lingering. ]

Would a scouring spell suffice if it meant we got to stay in bed? I'm all sticky and it's your fault.

Technically, it's your fault. You started it. I was comfortable cuddling on the couch.

( scouring spells never feel as clean as showers but whatever. billy presses into the kiss, tugs soft on loki's lower lip before murmuring a mimicry of loki's own spell against them, using that to clean off most the sticky sweat from them both. )

[ It works for now, means he can push Billy onto his back and cast a leg over his waist, nuzzling his way into the curve of a shoulder. Loki traces circles on Billy's side, loosely hugging him. A godly limpet. ]

You're the first person I've ever dated, do you know that? Been with seriously, I mean, or for any significant amount of time in any life.

Sigyn was obsessed, she doesn't count.

( there's no need to mention tony; they're comfortable, billy doesn't want to bring up negative memories on top of loki's panic attack. he tries to turn back onto his side instead, to shimmy in closer. )

Happy four months?

[ He's not even sure it counts as dating when the other person doesn't tell anyone about you. ]

Is that all it's been? I feel like we've had a year already, time stops having meaning when I'm with you.

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