[ It isn't all that unusual, that Cisco will go through almost an entire day without Eddie texting him. In general, he is the chattier of the two of them - the one most likely to send random messages and memes and selfies and little missives of love throughout the day. Eddie usually responds promptly, when he can - but that isn't always the case. He's a busy guy, with a job that doesn't allow for multitasking in the same way Cisco's does.
So when his texts received no reply today, except for one very basic 'ok' to his proposal that he bring home takeout that night for dinner, Cisco didn't think much of it. He walks into the apartment with the bag of Chinese food hanging from his wrist, and doesn't bother calling out a hello. All the lights are off, after all, and it's well past sunset, so he just assumes Eddie hasn't arrived yet. He hangs up his keys, kicks off his shoes, and then startles when he sees movement, in the kitchen.
Eddie is there, sitting at the table with his head in his hands, shoulders slumped, unmoving. Cisco doesn't yelp - small mercies - but he does jump, heart hammering from the surprise. He huffs a soft laugh at his own expense, setting the food down on the kitchen counter. Heading over to flip on the light, he murmurs: ]
Hey, baby. You're home. What are you doin' sitting in the dark?
[It's been a long day. A very long day. Every minute has felt like hours, every hour like days. Eddie feels about a thousand years old as he sits in the kitchen of the apartment, his face in his hands, too exhausted to even stand up and turn on the light. He knows he should've responded to Cisco more throughout the day, knows that he should've been talking to his boyfriend to make his day less terrible, less long, but he hadn't had the emotional energy to match Cisco's.
It catches him off-guard when Cisco comes in with food, startles and talks to him. Blinking blearily into the light, he licks his lips and swallows hard, forces a little smile.]
Rough day at work. Sorry I was so quiet, I'm just really wiped.
[The smile doesn't reach his eyes, but it's the best he can do.]
Ah, you brought the food. I'm starving.
[It's as much a lie as his smile, and he knows Cisco will be able to tell, but he's hoping he doesn't ask. Not just yet.]
Cisco knows Eddie well enough to guess that his hollow, fake smile is a very bad sign. If it were just a question of a merely rough day - coworkers being aggravating, a mountain of paperwork, a broken coffee machine - Eddie would be complaining, rather than trying to cover it up. But for Eddie to be working this hard to pretend it's just a matter of annoyance... something really terrible must have happened.
But Cisco doesn't push - not at first, at least. He pulls the cartons from the bag, setting his hand on Eddie's shoulder to signal he should stay sitting while Cisco gets down the plates, utensils, and the rest of it.
During the meal, Cisco keeps up a steady stream of conversation, but he can tell that Eddie is only pretending to listen. Which doesn't offend him, or make him let up. But it does twist the knot of worry in his chest a little tighter. Eddie is merely picking at his food, moving it around on his plate and barely eating a bite.
So Cisco pauses in his prattle, the false brightness of his voice falling away as he asks: ]
[He does his best - really, it's just a matter of putting Cisco off long enough that he can formulate words for what happened to him today, what he'd seen, so that he can talk about it without feeling like he's going to throw up. He knows, without even really thinking about it, that Cisco will know something is wrong with him, that he'll eventually call him out on it, bring it up, ask him to share. He knows, too, that it will be good for him to share it, good for him to talk about it.
But right now, he just can't bring himself to.
So when Cisco dishes up the food, he tries to eat, manages to get down a couple bites before he's just moving it around trying to make it look like less. And when Cisco talks, he nods and listens and tries to lose himself in it, tries to just let Cisco's chatter gently wash away the pain and anger he's feeling. But eventually it all falls apart and Cisco goes quiet, his voice serious, as he asks if Eddie isn't hungry after all.
Eddie feels sick.]
Not really, I guess. Or more like...you know the flesh is willing but the heart is weak. Some cliché like that.
I'm pretty sure that saying's supposed to go the other way 'round.
[ Cisco says it gently, forehead furrowed with worry. But he doesn't push Eddie to eat any more. A few moments later, he stops eating, himself. His worry for his boyfriend is now strong enough that he's lost what remains of his own appetite. Silently, he begins to clean up, to put away the leftovers, carry the dirty dishes to the sink. There's a solemn hush that's descended on the room. Standing at the sink, Cisco asks, simply: ]
You wanna tell me about it?
[ It is a question, rather than a demand. Cisco knows all too well that sometimes, silence is necessary for a little while. And if that's what Eddie needs, well... he isn't going to be able to stop worrying, but he can at least give him time. ]
[He tries to make it gently teasing, amusing and a little flippant, but it just comes out flat. Frowning, Eddie pushes a piece of meat from the beef and broccoli on his plate, idly, without purpose. Cisco is standing now, not finishing his own meal, taking Eddie's plate and his own and putting the food and dishes away.
For a moment, Eddie feels a profound stab of guilt, his throat feels tight. Now he's ruined Cisco's night too, ruined his good mood, thrown a damper over both of them. Shaking his head, he sighs deeply, biting at his lower lip and glancing up at him.]
I'm sorry, babe. I know I'm really a downer right now. I just...I had to go through some evidence from a case today and it was...you know, it was really rough. Probably the roughest thing I've ever had to go through. I don't know if it's anything you want to hear about.
[ There's some relief in the fact that Eddie doesn't keep maintaining the lie, that he admits something it up. Cisco hadn't known, before, if it were something personal, or something professional. Eddie loves his job, of course, but... Cisco can imagine how horrible it must get, sometimes. Eddie investigates horrible things. People betraying each other, hurting each other, making mistakes and fucking up their lives and others. He has to immerse himself in human suffering, day after day.
Cisco knows that he could never do it.
He is one hundred percent certain that whatever it is - if it's the roughest thing Eddie's ever seen - that he almost certainly doesn't want to know. There is a sour feeling of fear in his stomach, roiling and awful, that he ignores completely, continuing to wash the dishes. ]
Don't you worry about me. Question isn't whether I wanna hear it - it's whether you wanna say it.
[ He says the words with conviction; if it's easier for Eddie to try to put it from his mind, keep his work and his home rigidly separate, Cisco will support that. If he needs to vent, to explain what he'd seen and open up, Cisco will support that, too. He finishes the washing up and comes over to stand behind Eddie, wordlessly beginning to knead at his shoulders, working out the knots of tension. ]
I mean, if it's a confidentiality thing or whatever, you know I can keep a secret...
[ Eddie had told him details of other cases, before, that weren't strictly speaking supposed to leave the station. But in Cisco's experience, not a lot of cops actually followed those rules, when it came to their partners. ]
...but if you don't wanna think about it anymore, I'm not gonna go all inquisition on you.
[For a moment, Eddie feels something between almost-devastating love and overwhelming frustration at how Cisco responds. The truth is, he desperately wants to talk about what he'd seen and heard today, wants to speak it so he can purge it from his mind, let go of it. Those memories are sitting inside him like a lump of cement at the base of his belly, aching and heavy and painful, and he wants to dilute them with sharing them. He wants, desperately, for Cisco to hold him and stroke his hair and tell him it's going to be okay, that he'll catch the bastard.
But at the same time, he doesn't want to tell Cisco, because it's a case Cisco knows more about already than Eddie would like him to. It's the one Cisco had vibed about, it involves children, it's ugly and painful and Cisco will have too clear a visual to work from, to engage his active imagination with. Telling Cisco will just hurt him, more than it would help Eddie.
The fact that Cisco so easily says it's not about whether he wants to hear it but whether Eddie wants to say it, that he can keep a secret if it's confidential - that just makes it harder to fight the intense desire to talk about it, to let it out of himself.]
I want to talk about it, I just...
[Cisco's hands are so warm and strong and reassuring on his shoulders, and Eddie shakes a little, his head lowering, catching his breath in his throat. Cisco says he won't go inquisition on him, but only if he doesn't want to talk about it.]
It's just so awful, Cisco. I don't...if I tell you about it, you're going to picture it, and I know you, I know how good your imagination is. I know you'll dream about it...
[ When Eddie says he wants to talk about it, there's enough certainty in the words that Cisco believes him. He doesn't interrupt, though. Just keeps massaging Eddie's shoulders until he fills in what comes after that all-important 'but'. The justification doesn't surprise Cisco, too much. And the truth of the matter is, Eddie's not wrong. Cisco is squeamish. He does have an active imagination, is sensitive to violence, and in particular doesn't always react well when it comes to certain kinds of murder.
But even if all that is true, it doesn't matter one bit to Cisco, now. He squeezes Eddie's shoulders hard before letting them go, coming around and crouching down to look him in the eyes, face solemn and resolute. ]
I can handle it.
[ He couldn't promise to keep his imagination in check. Couldn't promise not to dream (though he'll try his damndest not to wake Eddie up, if he does.) But what he can do is make the decision that listening to Eddie, helping lift a little of that weight off his shoulders, is more important to him than something as silly as his own comfort. ]
I know you're just trying to protect me, but I promise I'll be okay. Remember, I wanna take care of you just as much as you wanna take care of me. So lemme do that, alright?
[ And Cisco stands once more, goes back to rubbing Eddie's shoulders; it's nice, to have something to do with his hands, and it means Eddie won't have to look at him while he talks, if he doesn't want to. ]
[While Cisco keeps rubbing at his shoulders, his hands strong and certain and warm, Eddie tries to work through it on his own, goes back over what he'd seen and heard, tries to get it out of himself without making Cisco suffer through it with him. And then Cisco is moving, slipping around in front of him and crouching to look up into his face, his eyes warm and dark and honest, expression open and vulnerable and strong as he says he can handle it.
For a moment, a long, long moment, Eddie resists. It isn't fair to hurt Cisco, to drag him down into the pit Eddie's sitting in right now, just because he doesn't want to be there alone. How could he do that? How could he subject Cisco to the ugliness he's seen over the past 10 hours? Cisco is acknowledging that Eddie wants to protect him, asserting that he'll be okay, that he wants to take care of Eddie the way Eddie wants to take care of him. Eddie's throat feels tight, and he makes a soft, hitched breath as Cisco stands again, moves behind him and starts rubbing at his shoulders again.]
I get that. I just...
[He trails off, certain that Cisco can feel the tension in his shoulders, the way he's holding it in, holding back, locking it all up inside himself. It's hard, to try to rationalize allowing himself to hurt Cisco for his own gain, hard to try to get himself to think of it as appropriate or okay, when Cisco is such a warm, bright spot in his life that he wants, more than anything, to keep safe and warm and okay.]
Do you remember when you had that vibe? The one with...with the kid getting killed, the one South and I saved?
[A pause, and some of the tension goes out of his shoulders as he lets go of just a bit of what he's holding inside.]
We found one of the places the guy has been hiding out. Found...found...tapes that he'd made. Of the things he'd done to his victims. I listened to them, and watched them, all day today.
[ Understanding clicks into place in Cisco's mind, the moment that Eddie mentions his vibe about the murdered kid. Or the kid who would have been murdered. They'd stopped it from happening, but they hadn't caught the person who would've been responsible. And if this has to do with him... it makes sense, that Eddie would worry about telling Cisco about this case in particular. He'd blamed himself a little, at the time, for not being able to see more, help more.
There is a twisting feeling of anticipated guilt in Cisco's stomach, but he ignores it. Focuses on what Eddie's saying, about the day he's had. Cisco's hands falter, just for a moment, when Eddie mentions tapes. He can see where this is headed. Not the details, of course, but judging by the haunted note in Eddie's voice. ]
Jesus.
[ What could he begin to say, to do, to make any of that better? Cisco swallows, but he pushes aside that self-doubt, the same way he had the guilt. Goes back to massaging Eddie's shoulders. There's a long, painful silence before he says: ]
That sounds really, really, really awful.
[ It's such an understatement that it would be laughable, if it weren't for the fact that none of this is funny. Someone had to do it of course. Look for clues. Review evidence. It was necessary work. But watching... well, who knows what, for hours and hours on end? It was like Eddie had come home from a day of being tortured. Cisco wishes, for the first time, that Eddie had a different job. He knows that this is Eddie's calling, that he's good at it, that it's important work. Still, right now, he wishes it were something else, so Eddie wouldn't be sitting here, soft-voiced and too still. ]
[When Cisco says that, when he says 'Jesus' in that soft voice, looking at him with that stricken face, his eyes wide and rimmed in red. And then he goes back to rubbing Eddie's shoulders, his hands strong and warm and gentle.
Eddie's head dips a little, his eyes aching, stinging, his breath hitching as Cisco goes on and says that it sounds awful. It's an understatement, and he knows Cisco knows it. For a moment, Eddie lets himself think about it, about what he'd seen and what he'd heard, about the violence against innocents he'd experienced second-hand. Imagines what kind of person it would take to do things like that, can't fathom why anyone could do it, could even imagine it, and abruptly he chokes a bit on his breath, sobs it out with a soft noise that's somewhere between a whimper and a moan.]
It was...it was terrible, I can't...I don't think I'm ever going to forget it. It's going to be stuck in there forever.
[For a moment, he goes quiet, closes his eyes - his voice sounds pathetic in his ears, he can't help but cringe a little at how weak he sounds, how affected. But he knows that Cisco doesn't want him to be unaffected by this. That being unaffected by this would make him inhuman, not strong. Still, it's hard not to hold back the sobs that he can feel building up, the grief over those little boys and girls he'd seen and heard in the worst last moments of their lives.]
I have to find this bastard. I have to take him down.
[ The feeling that stands out, above the disgust, and guilt, and worry, and anger at the world, is a feeling of complete helplessness. Cisco can't solve this. Not with humor, not with tech, not with heart. Those little kids will still be murdered. Eddie will still have those horrible things burned into his memory. There's no way to unbreak what's been broken.
But, swallowing, he thinks, it's his job to mend it back together, as carefully, and delicately as he can. So he wraps his arms tightly around Eddie's shoulders, resting splayed hands against his chest and belly, feeling those sobs he's holding in. He holds him from behind like that, silently, a comforting compression, before he reassures: ]
You will. We will. I promise you that.
[ Cisco is not entirely powerless, after all. Sure, his contract with the department doesn't encompass using his powers to aid in investigations. And sure, there's probably laws, or at least ethical qualms. But Cisco is going to do whatever it takes to help Eddie stop this. ]
But you're not gonna catch him tonight. So it's okay to just- it's okay to just not be okay for a little while. I got you.
[ He turns his head, presses a kiss against the side of Eddie's jaw, his neck, then lets out a long sigh, just holding him tightly against his chest. ]
[There's something safe and secure about the way Cisco leans in, holds him, arms wrapped around his shoulders and hands pressed against his chest and belly. Closing his eyes, Eddie lets himself be quiet and just feel for a few moments, to just let himself ride through the pain and anguish and get them out of his system. It helps, that Cisco is here and holding him and making him feel safe and secure and like he's not going to be judged for feeling what he's feeling, especially when Cisco assures him they'll catch the guy, but that they won't do it tonight and it's okay to not be okay.
Part of him feels selfish for it, like he shouldn't be concerned about his own feelings when those children had endured so much worse, like his hurt shouldn't count. But Cisco is here, holding him, telling him it's okay to feel the way he does. To feel helpless and hurt and angry about those babies who'd suffered so much for no reason. So he lets himself feel it, lets himself choke a little on his sobs and lean against Cisco while his boyfriend kisses his neck and jaw, while he sighs warmly against Eddie's skin and keeps him safe, wrapped up in the warmth of him.
For a few moments, he just lets himself cry a bit, eyes closed against the images in his mind.]
[ Cisco is a tiny bit relieved, when he feels Eddie's chest and shoulders starting to shudder with sobs. Because there's no way Eddie doesn't need a good cry, right now. He knows Eddie well enough now to know how he responds to stress, and pain. Sometimes he will try to hold it in, but it's not in his nature, to go cold, or switch off his emotions in times of strain. Some people responded to trauma like that - Caitlin, for one. But Eddie wasn't like that.
He smooths a hand over Eddie's hair, not saying anything, just being with him. And when Eddie's sobs seem to be lessening, Cisco speaks, softly but with conviction: ]
I'll use my powers. I'll vibe every bit of evidence you got, until we dig up a lead. And I've heard the way they talked at you, back at CCPD. You're a great detective. Between the two of us, that fucker's got no chance. I know- I know it won't bring them back, or undo what you had to watch, but... it'll be justice.
[ Cisco knows there's a chance, if he vibes those tapes, or any forensic evidence they've got, that he'll be seeing at least a few of the unpleasant things that Eddie had been forced to watch all day. It's a thought that frightens him - but doesn't dampen his resolve one bit. It will be worth it. To help Eddie, to help save lives, to stop a monster. He would deal with all that when he had to, if he had to.
Squeezing Eddie a little tighter, Cisco murmurs: ]
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🐙 eddie
So when his texts received no reply today, except for one very basic 'ok' to his proposal that he bring home takeout that night for dinner, Cisco didn't think much of it. He walks into the apartment with the bag of Chinese food hanging from his wrist, and doesn't bother calling out a hello. All the lights are off, after all, and it's well past sunset, so he just assumes Eddie hasn't arrived yet. He hangs up his keys, kicks off his shoes, and then startles when he sees movement, in the kitchen.
Eddie is there, sitting at the table with his head in his hands, shoulders slumped, unmoving. Cisco doesn't yelp - small mercies - but he does jump, heart hammering from the surprise. He huffs a soft laugh at his own expense, setting the food down on the kitchen counter. Heading over to flip on the light, he murmurs: ]
Hey, baby. You're home. What are you doin' sitting in the dark?
no subject
It catches him off-guard when Cisco comes in with food, startles and talks to him. Blinking blearily into the light, he licks his lips and swallows hard, forces a little smile.]
Rough day at work. Sorry I was so quiet, I'm just really wiped.
[The smile doesn't reach his eyes, but it's the best he can do.]
Ah, you brought the food. I'm starving.
[It's as much a lie as his smile, and he knows Cisco will be able to tell, but he's hoping he doesn't ask. Not just yet.]
no subject
Cisco knows Eddie well enough to guess that his hollow, fake smile is a very bad sign. If it were just a question of a merely rough day - coworkers being aggravating, a mountain of paperwork, a broken coffee machine - Eddie would be complaining, rather than trying to cover it up. But for Eddie to be working this hard to pretend it's just a matter of annoyance... something really terrible must have happened.
But Cisco doesn't push - not at first, at least. He pulls the cartons from the bag, setting his hand on Eddie's shoulder to signal he should stay sitting while Cisco gets down the plates, utensils, and the rest of it.
During the meal, Cisco keeps up a steady stream of conversation, but he can tell that Eddie is only pretending to listen. Which doesn't offend him, or make him let up. But it does twist the knot of worry in his chest a little tighter. Eddie is merely picking at his food, moving it around on his plate and barely eating a bite.
So Cisco pauses in his prattle, the false brightness of his voice falling away as he asks: ]
Not so hungry after all?
no subject
But right now, he just can't bring himself to.
So when Cisco dishes up the food, he tries to eat, manages to get down a couple bites before he's just moving it around trying to make it look like less. And when Cisco talks, he nods and listens and tries to lose himself in it, tries to just let Cisco's chatter gently wash away the pain and anger he's feeling. But eventually it all falls apart and Cisco goes quiet, his voice serious, as he asks if Eddie isn't hungry after all.
Eddie feels sick.]
Not really, I guess. Or more like...you know the flesh is willing but the heart is weak. Some cliché like that.
no subject
[ Cisco says it gently, forehead furrowed with worry. But he doesn't push Eddie to eat any more. A few moments later, he stops eating, himself. His worry for his boyfriend is now strong enough that he's lost what remains of his own appetite. Silently, he begins to clean up, to put away the leftovers, carry the dirty dishes to the sink. There's a solemn hush that's descended on the room. Standing at the sink, Cisco asks, simply: ]
You wanna tell me about it?
[ It is a question, rather than a demand. Cisco knows all too well that sometimes, silence is necessary for a little while. And if that's what Eddie needs, well... he isn't going to be able to stop worrying, but he can at least give him time. ]
no subject
[He tries to make it gently teasing, amusing and a little flippant, but it just comes out flat. Frowning, Eddie pushes a piece of meat from the beef and broccoli on his plate, idly, without purpose. Cisco is standing now, not finishing his own meal, taking Eddie's plate and his own and putting the food and dishes away.
For a moment, Eddie feels a profound stab of guilt, his throat feels tight. Now he's ruined Cisco's night too, ruined his good mood, thrown a damper over both of them. Shaking his head, he sighs deeply, biting at his lower lip and glancing up at him.]
I'm sorry, babe. I know I'm really a downer right now. I just...I had to go through some evidence from a case today and it was...you know, it was really rough. Probably the roughest thing I've ever had to go through. I don't know if it's anything you want to hear about.
no subject
Cisco knows that he could never do it.
He is one hundred percent certain that whatever it is - if it's the roughest thing Eddie's ever seen - that he almost certainly doesn't want to know. There is a sour feeling of fear in his stomach, roiling and awful, that he ignores completely, continuing to wash the dishes. ]
Don't you worry about me. Question isn't whether I wanna hear it - it's whether you wanna say it.
[ He says the words with conviction; if it's easier for Eddie to try to put it from his mind, keep his work and his home rigidly separate, Cisco will support that. If he needs to vent, to explain what he'd seen and open up, Cisco will support that, too. He finishes the washing up and comes over to stand behind Eddie, wordlessly beginning to knead at his shoulders, working out the knots of tension. ]
I mean, if it's a confidentiality thing or whatever, you know I can keep a secret...
[ Eddie had told him details of other cases, before, that weren't strictly speaking supposed to leave the station. But in Cisco's experience, not a lot of cops actually followed those rules, when it came to their partners. ]
...but if you don't wanna think about it anymore, I'm not gonna go all inquisition on you.
cw: vague talk of crimes involving children
But at the same time, he doesn't want to tell Cisco, because it's a case Cisco knows more about already than Eddie would like him to. It's the one Cisco had vibed about, it involves children, it's ugly and painful and Cisco will have too clear a visual to work from, to engage his active imagination with. Telling Cisco will just hurt him, more than it would help Eddie.
The fact that Cisco so easily says it's not about whether he wants to hear it but whether Eddie wants to say it, that he can keep a secret if it's confidential - that just makes it harder to fight the intense desire to talk about it, to let it out of himself.]
I want to talk about it, I just...
[Cisco's hands are so warm and strong and reassuring on his shoulders, and Eddie shakes a little, his head lowering, catching his breath in his throat. Cisco says he won't go inquisition on him, but only if he doesn't want to talk about it.]
It's just so awful, Cisco. I don't...if I tell you about it, you're going to picture it, and I know you, I know how good your imagination is. I know you'll dream about it...
no subject
But even if all that is true, it doesn't matter one bit to Cisco, now. He squeezes Eddie's shoulders hard before letting them go, coming around and crouching down to look him in the eyes, face solemn and resolute. ]
I can handle it.
[ He couldn't promise to keep his imagination in check. Couldn't promise not to dream (though he'll try his damndest not to wake Eddie up, if he does.) But what he can do is make the decision that listening to Eddie, helping lift a little of that weight off his shoulders, is more important to him than something as silly as his own comfort. ]
I know you're just trying to protect me, but I promise I'll be okay. Remember, I wanna take care of you just as much as you wanna take care of me. So lemme do that, alright?
[ And Cisco stands once more, goes back to rubbing Eddie's shoulders; it's nice, to have something to do with his hands, and it means Eddie won't have to look at him while he talks, if he doesn't want to. ]
no subject
For a moment, a long, long moment, Eddie resists. It isn't fair to hurt Cisco, to drag him down into the pit Eddie's sitting in right now, just because he doesn't want to be there alone. How could he do that? How could he subject Cisco to the ugliness he's seen over the past 10 hours? Cisco is acknowledging that Eddie wants to protect him, asserting that he'll be okay, that he wants to take care of Eddie the way Eddie wants to take care of him. Eddie's throat feels tight, and he makes a soft, hitched breath as Cisco stands again, moves behind him and starts rubbing at his shoulders again.]
I get that. I just...
[He trails off, certain that Cisco can feel the tension in his shoulders, the way he's holding it in, holding back, locking it all up inside himself. It's hard, to try to rationalize allowing himself to hurt Cisco for his own gain, hard to try to get himself to think of it as appropriate or okay, when Cisco is such a warm, bright spot in his life that he wants, more than anything, to keep safe and warm and okay.]
Do you remember when you had that vibe? The one with...with the kid getting killed, the one South and I saved?
[A pause, and some of the tension goes out of his shoulders as he lets go of just a bit of what he's holding inside.]
We found one of the places the guy has been hiding out. Found...found...tapes that he'd made. Of the things he'd done to his victims. I listened to them, and watched them, all day today.
no subject
There is a twisting feeling of anticipated guilt in Cisco's stomach, but he ignores it. Focuses on what Eddie's saying, about the day he's had. Cisco's hands falter, just for a moment, when Eddie mentions tapes. He can see where this is headed. Not the details, of course, but judging by the haunted note in Eddie's voice. ]
Jesus.
[ What could he begin to say, to do, to make any of that better? Cisco swallows, but he pushes aside that self-doubt, the same way he had the guilt. Goes back to massaging Eddie's shoulders. There's a long, painful silence before he says: ]
That sounds really, really, really awful.
[ It's such an understatement that it would be laughable, if it weren't for the fact that none of this is funny. Someone had to do it of course. Look for clues. Review evidence. It was necessary work. But watching... well, who knows what, for hours and hours on end? It was like Eddie had come home from a day of being tortured. Cisco wishes, for the first time, that Eddie had a different job. He knows that this is Eddie's calling, that he's good at it, that it's important work. Still, right now, he wishes it were something else, so Eddie wouldn't be sitting here, soft-voiced and too still. ]
no subject
Eddie's head dips a little, his eyes aching, stinging, his breath hitching as Cisco goes on and says that it sounds awful. It's an understatement, and he knows Cisco knows it. For a moment, Eddie lets himself think about it, about what he'd seen and what he'd heard, about the violence against innocents he'd experienced second-hand. Imagines what kind of person it would take to do things like that, can't fathom why anyone could do it, could even imagine it, and abruptly he chokes a bit on his breath, sobs it out with a soft noise that's somewhere between a whimper and a moan.]
It was...it was terrible, I can't...I don't think I'm ever going to forget it. It's going to be stuck in there forever.
[For a moment, he goes quiet, closes his eyes - his voice sounds pathetic in his ears, he can't help but cringe a little at how weak he sounds, how affected. But he knows that Cisco doesn't want him to be unaffected by this. That being unaffected by this would make him inhuman, not strong. Still, it's hard not to hold back the sobs that he can feel building up, the grief over those little boys and girls he'd seen and heard in the worst last moments of their lives.]
I have to find this bastard. I have to take him down.
no subject
But, swallowing, he thinks, it's his job to mend it back together, as carefully, and delicately as he can. So he wraps his arms tightly around Eddie's shoulders, resting splayed hands against his chest and belly, feeling those sobs he's holding in. He holds him from behind like that, silently, a comforting compression, before he reassures: ]
You will. We will. I promise you that.
[ Cisco is not entirely powerless, after all. Sure, his contract with the department doesn't encompass using his powers to aid in investigations. And sure, there's probably laws, or at least ethical qualms. But Cisco is going to do whatever it takes to help Eddie stop this. ]
But you're not gonna catch him tonight. So it's okay to just- it's okay to just not be okay for a little while. I got you.
[ He turns his head, presses a kiss against the side of Eddie's jaw, his neck, then lets out a long sigh, just holding him tightly against his chest. ]
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Part of him feels selfish for it, like he shouldn't be concerned about his own feelings when those children had endured so much worse, like his hurt shouldn't count. But Cisco is here, holding him, telling him it's okay to feel the way he does. To feel helpless and hurt and angry about those babies who'd suffered so much for no reason. So he lets himself feel it, lets himself choke a little on his sobs and lean against Cisco while his boyfriend kisses his neck and jaw, while he sighs warmly against Eddie's skin and keeps him safe, wrapped up in the warmth of him.
For a few moments, he just lets himself cry a bit, eyes closed against the images in his mind.]
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He smooths a hand over Eddie's hair, not saying anything, just being with him. And when Eddie's sobs seem to be lessening, Cisco speaks, softly but with conviction: ]
I'll use my powers. I'll vibe every bit of evidence you got, until we dig up a lead. And I've heard the way they talked at you, back at CCPD. You're a great detective. Between the two of us, that fucker's got no chance. I know- I know it won't bring them back, or undo what you had to watch, but... it'll be justice.
[ Cisco knows there's a chance, if he vibes those tapes, or any forensic evidence they've got, that he'll be seeing at least a few of the unpleasant things that Eddie had been forced to watch all day. It's a thought that frightens him - but doesn't dampen his resolve one bit. It will be worth it. To help Eddie, to help save lives, to stop a monster. He would deal with all that when he had to, if he had to.
Squeezing Eddie a little tighter, Cisco murmurs: ]
Love you.