[ When Eddie says he wants to talk about it, there's enough certainty in the words that Cisco believes him. He doesn't interrupt, though. Just keeps massaging Eddie's shoulders until he fills in what comes after that all-important 'but'. The justification doesn't surprise Cisco, too much. And the truth of the matter is, Eddie's not wrong. Cisco is squeamish. He does have an active imagination, is sensitive to violence, and in particular doesn't always react well when it comes to certain kinds of murder.
But even if all that is true, it doesn't matter one bit to Cisco, now. He squeezes Eddie's shoulders hard before letting them go, coming around and crouching down to look him in the eyes, face solemn and resolute. ]
I can handle it.
[ He couldn't promise to keep his imagination in check. Couldn't promise not to dream (though he'll try his damndest not to wake Eddie up, if he does.) But what he can do is make the decision that listening to Eddie, helping lift a little of that weight off his shoulders, is more important to him than something as silly as his own comfort. ]
I know you're just trying to protect me, but I promise I'll be okay. Remember, I wanna take care of you just as much as you wanna take care of me. So lemme do that, alright?
[ And Cisco stands once more, goes back to rubbing Eddie's shoulders; it's nice, to have something to do with his hands, and it means Eddie won't have to look at him while he talks, if he doesn't want to. ]
[While Cisco keeps rubbing at his shoulders, his hands strong and certain and warm, Eddie tries to work through it on his own, goes back over what he'd seen and heard, tries to get it out of himself without making Cisco suffer through it with him. And then Cisco is moving, slipping around in front of him and crouching to look up into his face, his eyes warm and dark and honest, expression open and vulnerable and strong as he says he can handle it.
For a moment, a long, long moment, Eddie resists. It isn't fair to hurt Cisco, to drag him down into the pit Eddie's sitting in right now, just because he doesn't want to be there alone. How could he do that? How could he subject Cisco to the ugliness he's seen over the past 10 hours? Cisco is acknowledging that Eddie wants to protect him, asserting that he'll be okay, that he wants to take care of Eddie the way Eddie wants to take care of him. Eddie's throat feels tight, and he makes a soft, hitched breath as Cisco stands again, moves behind him and starts rubbing at his shoulders again.]
I get that. I just...
[He trails off, certain that Cisco can feel the tension in his shoulders, the way he's holding it in, holding back, locking it all up inside himself. It's hard, to try to rationalize allowing himself to hurt Cisco for his own gain, hard to try to get himself to think of it as appropriate or okay, when Cisco is such a warm, bright spot in his life that he wants, more than anything, to keep safe and warm and okay.]
Do you remember when you had that vibe? The one with...with the kid getting killed, the one South and I saved?
[A pause, and some of the tension goes out of his shoulders as he lets go of just a bit of what he's holding inside.]
We found one of the places the guy has been hiding out. Found...found...tapes that he'd made. Of the things he'd done to his victims. I listened to them, and watched them, all day today.
[ Understanding clicks into place in Cisco's mind, the moment that Eddie mentions his vibe about the murdered kid. Or the kid who would have been murdered. They'd stopped it from happening, but they hadn't caught the person who would've been responsible. And if this has to do with him... it makes sense, that Eddie would worry about telling Cisco about this case in particular. He'd blamed himself a little, at the time, for not being able to see more, help more.
There is a twisting feeling of anticipated guilt in Cisco's stomach, but he ignores it. Focuses on what Eddie's saying, about the day he's had. Cisco's hands falter, just for a moment, when Eddie mentions tapes. He can see where this is headed. Not the details, of course, but judging by the haunted note in Eddie's voice. ]
Jesus.
[ What could he begin to say, to do, to make any of that better? Cisco swallows, but he pushes aside that self-doubt, the same way he had the guilt. Goes back to massaging Eddie's shoulders. There's a long, painful silence before he says: ]
That sounds really, really, really awful.
[ It's such an understatement that it would be laughable, if it weren't for the fact that none of this is funny. Someone had to do it of course. Look for clues. Review evidence. It was necessary work. But watching... well, who knows what, for hours and hours on end? It was like Eddie had come home from a day of being tortured. Cisco wishes, for the first time, that Eddie had a different job. He knows that this is Eddie's calling, that he's good at it, that it's important work. Still, right now, he wishes it were something else, so Eddie wouldn't be sitting here, soft-voiced and too still. ]
[When Cisco says that, when he says 'Jesus' in that soft voice, looking at him with that stricken face, his eyes wide and rimmed in red. And then he goes back to rubbing Eddie's shoulders, his hands strong and warm and gentle.
Eddie's head dips a little, his eyes aching, stinging, his breath hitching as Cisco goes on and says that it sounds awful. It's an understatement, and he knows Cisco knows it. For a moment, Eddie lets himself think about it, about what he'd seen and what he'd heard, about the violence against innocents he'd experienced second-hand. Imagines what kind of person it would take to do things like that, can't fathom why anyone could do it, could even imagine it, and abruptly he chokes a bit on his breath, sobs it out with a soft noise that's somewhere between a whimper and a moan.]
It was...it was terrible, I can't...I don't think I'm ever going to forget it. It's going to be stuck in there forever.
[For a moment, he goes quiet, closes his eyes - his voice sounds pathetic in his ears, he can't help but cringe a little at how weak he sounds, how affected. But he knows that Cisco doesn't want him to be unaffected by this. That being unaffected by this would make him inhuman, not strong. Still, it's hard not to hold back the sobs that he can feel building up, the grief over those little boys and girls he'd seen and heard in the worst last moments of their lives.]
I have to find this bastard. I have to take him down.
[ The feeling that stands out, above the disgust, and guilt, and worry, and anger at the world, is a feeling of complete helplessness. Cisco can't solve this. Not with humor, not with tech, not with heart. Those little kids will still be murdered. Eddie will still have those horrible things burned into his memory. There's no way to unbreak what's been broken.
But, swallowing, he thinks, it's his job to mend it back together, as carefully, and delicately as he can. So he wraps his arms tightly around Eddie's shoulders, resting splayed hands against his chest and belly, feeling those sobs he's holding in. He holds him from behind like that, silently, a comforting compression, before he reassures: ]
You will. We will. I promise you that.
[ Cisco is not entirely powerless, after all. Sure, his contract with the department doesn't encompass using his powers to aid in investigations. And sure, there's probably laws, or at least ethical qualms. But Cisco is going to do whatever it takes to help Eddie stop this. ]
But you're not gonna catch him tonight. So it's okay to just- it's okay to just not be okay for a little while. I got you.
[ He turns his head, presses a kiss against the side of Eddie's jaw, his neck, then lets out a long sigh, just holding him tightly against his chest. ]
[There's something safe and secure about the way Cisco leans in, holds him, arms wrapped around his shoulders and hands pressed against his chest and belly. Closing his eyes, Eddie lets himself be quiet and just feel for a few moments, to just let himself ride through the pain and anguish and get them out of his system. It helps, that Cisco is here and holding him and making him feel safe and secure and like he's not going to be judged for feeling what he's feeling, especially when Cisco assures him they'll catch the guy, but that they won't do it tonight and it's okay to not be okay.
Part of him feels selfish for it, like he shouldn't be concerned about his own feelings when those children had endured so much worse, like his hurt shouldn't count. But Cisco is here, holding him, telling him it's okay to feel the way he does. To feel helpless and hurt and angry about those babies who'd suffered so much for no reason. So he lets himself feel it, lets himself choke a little on his sobs and lean against Cisco while his boyfriend kisses his neck and jaw, while he sighs warmly against Eddie's skin and keeps him safe, wrapped up in the warmth of him.
For a few moments, he just lets himself cry a bit, eyes closed against the images in his mind.]
[ Cisco is a tiny bit relieved, when he feels Eddie's chest and shoulders starting to shudder with sobs. Because there's no way Eddie doesn't need a good cry, right now. He knows Eddie well enough now to know how he responds to stress, and pain. Sometimes he will try to hold it in, but it's not in his nature, to go cold, or switch off his emotions in times of strain. Some people responded to trauma like that - Caitlin, for one. But Eddie wasn't like that.
He smooths a hand over Eddie's hair, not saying anything, just being with him. And when Eddie's sobs seem to be lessening, Cisco speaks, softly but with conviction: ]
I'll use my powers. I'll vibe every bit of evidence you got, until we dig up a lead. And I've heard the way they talked at you, back at CCPD. You're a great detective. Between the two of us, that fucker's got no chance. I know- I know it won't bring them back, or undo what you had to watch, but... it'll be justice.
[ Cisco knows there's a chance, if he vibes those tapes, or any forensic evidence they've got, that he'll be seeing at least a few of the unpleasant things that Eddie had been forced to watch all day. It's a thought that frightens him - but doesn't dampen his resolve one bit. It will be worth it. To help Eddie, to help save lives, to stop a monster. He would deal with all that when he had to, if he had to.
Squeezing Eddie a little tighter, Cisco murmurs: ]
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no subject
But even if all that is true, it doesn't matter one bit to Cisco, now. He squeezes Eddie's shoulders hard before letting them go, coming around and crouching down to look him in the eyes, face solemn and resolute. ]
I can handle it.
[ He couldn't promise to keep his imagination in check. Couldn't promise not to dream (though he'll try his damndest not to wake Eddie up, if he does.) But what he can do is make the decision that listening to Eddie, helping lift a little of that weight off his shoulders, is more important to him than something as silly as his own comfort. ]
I know you're just trying to protect me, but I promise I'll be okay. Remember, I wanna take care of you just as much as you wanna take care of me. So lemme do that, alright?
[ And Cisco stands once more, goes back to rubbing Eddie's shoulders; it's nice, to have something to do with his hands, and it means Eddie won't have to look at him while he talks, if he doesn't want to. ]
no subject
For a moment, a long, long moment, Eddie resists. It isn't fair to hurt Cisco, to drag him down into the pit Eddie's sitting in right now, just because he doesn't want to be there alone. How could he do that? How could he subject Cisco to the ugliness he's seen over the past 10 hours? Cisco is acknowledging that Eddie wants to protect him, asserting that he'll be okay, that he wants to take care of Eddie the way Eddie wants to take care of him. Eddie's throat feels tight, and he makes a soft, hitched breath as Cisco stands again, moves behind him and starts rubbing at his shoulders again.]
I get that. I just...
[He trails off, certain that Cisco can feel the tension in his shoulders, the way he's holding it in, holding back, locking it all up inside himself. It's hard, to try to rationalize allowing himself to hurt Cisco for his own gain, hard to try to get himself to think of it as appropriate or okay, when Cisco is such a warm, bright spot in his life that he wants, more than anything, to keep safe and warm and okay.]
Do you remember when you had that vibe? The one with...with the kid getting killed, the one South and I saved?
[A pause, and some of the tension goes out of his shoulders as he lets go of just a bit of what he's holding inside.]
We found one of the places the guy has been hiding out. Found...found...tapes that he'd made. Of the things he'd done to his victims. I listened to them, and watched them, all day today.
no subject
There is a twisting feeling of anticipated guilt in Cisco's stomach, but he ignores it. Focuses on what Eddie's saying, about the day he's had. Cisco's hands falter, just for a moment, when Eddie mentions tapes. He can see where this is headed. Not the details, of course, but judging by the haunted note in Eddie's voice. ]
Jesus.
[ What could he begin to say, to do, to make any of that better? Cisco swallows, but he pushes aside that self-doubt, the same way he had the guilt. Goes back to massaging Eddie's shoulders. There's a long, painful silence before he says: ]
That sounds really, really, really awful.
[ It's such an understatement that it would be laughable, if it weren't for the fact that none of this is funny. Someone had to do it of course. Look for clues. Review evidence. It was necessary work. But watching... well, who knows what, for hours and hours on end? It was like Eddie had come home from a day of being tortured. Cisco wishes, for the first time, that Eddie had a different job. He knows that this is Eddie's calling, that he's good at it, that it's important work. Still, right now, he wishes it were something else, so Eddie wouldn't be sitting here, soft-voiced and too still. ]
no subject
Eddie's head dips a little, his eyes aching, stinging, his breath hitching as Cisco goes on and says that it sounds awful. It's an understatement, and he knows Cisco knows it. For a moment, Eddie lets himself think about it, about what he'd seen and what he'd heard, about the violence against innocents he'd experienced second-hand. Imagines what kind of person it would take to do things like that, can't fathom why anyone could do it, could even imagine it, and abruptly he chokes a bit on his breath, sobs it out with a soft noise that's somewhere between a whimper and a moan.]
It was...it was terrible, I can't...I don't think I'm ever going to forget it. It's going to be stuck in there forever.
[For a moment, he goes quiet, closes his eyes - his voice sounds pathetic in his ears, he can't help but cringe a little at how weak he sounds, how affected. But he knows that Cisco doesn't want him to be unaffected by this. That being unaffected by this would make him inhuman, not strong. Still, it's hard not to hold back the sobs that he can feel building up, the grief over those little boys and girls he'd seen and heard in the worst last moments of their lives.]
I have to find this bastard. I have to take him down.
no subject
But, swallowing, he thinks, it's his job to mend it back together, as carefully, and delicately as he can. So he wraps his arms tightly around Eddie's shoulders, resting splayed hands against his chest and belly, feeling those sobs he's holding in. He holds him from behind like that, silently, a comforting compression, before he reassures: ]
You will. We will. I promise you that.
[ Cisco is not entirely powerless, after all. Sure, his contract with the department doesn't encompass using his powers to aid in investigations. And sure, there's probably laws, or at least ethical qualms. But Cisco is going to do whatever it takes to help Eddie stop this. ]
But you're not gonna catch him tonight. So it's okay to just- it's okay to just not be okay for a little while. I got you.
[ He turns his head, presses a kiss against the side of Eddie's jaw, his neck, then lets out a long sigh, just holding him tightly against his chest. ]
no subject
Part of him feels selfish for it, like he shouldn't be concerned about his own feelings when those children had endured so much worse, like his hurt shouldn't count. But Cisco is here, holding him, telling him it's okay to feel the way he does. To feel helpless and hurt and angry about those babies who'd suffered so much for no reason. So he lets himself feel it, lets himself choke a little on his sobs and lean against Cisco while his boyfriend kisses his neck and jaw, while he sighs warmly against Eddie's skin and keeps him safe, wrapped up in the warmth of him.
For a few moments, he just lets himself cry a bit, eyes closed against the images in his mind.]
no subject
He smooths a hand over Eddie's hair, not saying anything, just being with him. And when Eddie's sobs seem to be lessening, Cisco speaks, softly but with conviction: ]
I'll use my powers. I'll vibe every bit of evidence you got, until we dig up a lead. And I've heard the way they talked at you, back at CCPD. You're a great detective. Between the two of us, that fucker's got no chance. I know- I know it won't bring them back, or undo what you had to watch, but... it'll be justice.
[ Cisco knows there's a chance, if he vibes those tapes, or any forensic evidence they've got, that he'll be seeing at least a few of the unpleasant things that Eddie had been forced to watch all day. It's a thought that frightens him - but doesn't dampen his resolve one bit. It will be worth it. To help Eddie, to help save lives, to stop a monster. He would deal with all that when he had to, if he had to.
Squeezing Eddie a little tighter, Cisco murmurs: ]
Love you.