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♫ Now I long for yesterday ♫

who: Alec Lightwood, Izzy Lightwood, Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane, and Clary Fray
what: Hanging out in the music store that shouldn't exist
when: February 20
where: At the record store from Wayward Pines that really shouldn't be in Quarantine
warnings: Will update as needed

The Vinyl Frontier shouldn't be in Quarantine. Alec logically knew that it had to be an illusion or some kind of magic trick, but it seemed real. Every detail that he remembered from their stay in Idaho was there. He knew that some of those memories were false, but others were incredibly real. The knickknacks that decorated the shop weren't souvenirs from a cross-country trip with Magnus, but they were still special. The shop had been an odd sanctuary, someplace he could enjoy music and share it with people who felt the same way about the old vinyl that was stored in wooden bins. A place what was his even if Magnus' name was also listed as proprietor.

Wandering the main floor, he started up the jukebox, smiling as one of the songs from the sock hop they'd had upstairs began to play. Easing into one of the chairs that he'd set up in Izzy and Magnus' sitting area, he looked around, realizing how much he missed this normalcy. Digging his phone out of his pocket, he texted the location of the shop to his family and Clary, telling them that they could come by if they wanted and sending them the address. When they eventually arrive, they'll find him sitting in one of the velvet chairs, or sorting through the boxes of records like he had when most of them had been in Pines.

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"You are freaking out. The couch is not going to hurt you and there is nothing questionable on it." Magnus wouldn't let something questionable stay on it. Not when he could wave a hand and replace it with something even brighter than the purple velvet. "If I freaked out, it'd be because my parabatai walked in." Not because someone was watching.

He flushed slightly, thinking of what he and Magnus had done at the Lounge. Thank the Angel that Jace and Izzy hadn't decided to visit that club...

"Any of you in relation to Simon. You're all weird about him."

"Weird? I am not weird about Simon." Jace sat back, getting comfortable in Izzy's chair, trying not to be weird about Simon. He wasn't weird about Simon. "And you said 'between the two of them'. Simon and who? Clary?"

Why were they talking about two people he had complicated feelings for while also talking about Alec's healthy sex life? Jace wanted to know when his life became so completely messy. Wincing slightly he instantly thought of the moment he bumped into Clary.

"Clary isn't weird about Simon. Who else is weird?" Just out of curiosity.

"You were the weirdest one about him," he teased. At least he kept the hurt out of his voice. It was an old hurt, one that they didn't need to revisit when there was already some tension between them. "Simon and Clary. Simon and Raphael. Simon and Iz. You and him. The only people that didn't have some weird thing going on with him is me and Magnus." And, technically, there was tension between Alec and his sister's maybe boyfriend.

Jace remembered Izzy flirting with Simon, but nothing happened between them. And why would Raphael be weird about Simon? Did Alec mean 'weird' as in 'dating' or just being weird? "How am I the weirdest about Simon? He hates me and I tolerate him. For Clary."

He licked his bottom lip and rubbed the fabric covered arm of Izzy's chair.

"Did Clary mention Simon to you?" Just curious. He hadn't asked because it seemed inappropriate to be asking about Simon when he was basically breaking up with her. She probably would have given into the urge to hit him then.

"It's something that I remember but none of you do." That was the easiest way to explain it. Clary refused to know anything except that Jace survived. "But you don't just tolerate him and he doesn't hate you. It's jealousy."

Which would fade eventually, even if Alec didn't quite understand the odd relationship between his parabatai and Simon.

"She hasn't mentioned it. She's been too concerned about you." Sighing, he closed his eyes, listening to the music for a few seconds. By the Angel, he missed this place and the collection of vinyl that he'd had access to. "What's going on between you two?"

Jealousy wouldn't be a problem now he thought to himself. And Alec was right. He didn't just tolerate Simon. But like everything else it didn't matter. Simon wasn't here and his heart was a complete idiot. He never should have let it get so out of control.

Jace looked at Alec, feeling the guilt all over again. He hadn't told Clary the real reason why things were so complicated. Not that it mattered. Alec was as far out of reach as Simon. Farther. He was married.

He watched Alec with his eyes closed, looking relaxed and happy, and wondered would have happened if he had never met Clary and Alec had never met Magnus.

"Nothing. I broke her heart and now I'm keeping my distance to give her time to heal."

For a few seconds, Alec remained silent, letting the music fill the space that had been so comfortable to him. The next 45 was something by the Everly Brothers. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, turning his head to give Jace a half-hearted look of disbelief.

"Nothing seems like something." He wasn't going to push, not exactly. "You're both acting weird, even compared to your last round of 'She's my sister. He's my brother'." Alec doubted that Jace would answer him, but he'd ignored the signs of trouble before and his parabatai had been hurt because of it. "Did she tell you something that's bothering you?"

"It's not what she said. It's everything she didn't say." Jace had wanted to ask Clary what it was Alec didn't want her to tell him, but he wanted to trust Alec had a good reason.

He took a deep breath and laid his head back against the chair.

"I broke up with her. Sort of. I didn't actually say 'I'm breaking up with you'. Not that we were dating, but she remembers things differently."

"What did she say?" Part of him didn't want to know, but if this was what was causing Jace to swing between the healthy life choices they'd seen before and ones that could potentially be reckless, then Alec needed to find a way to help his parabatai.

"I remember them differently too. I remember you giving her your family ring." He paused, giving Jace a significant looking, knowing that he would understand the meaning of giving that ring to Clary. Especially when everyone knew that Magnus' wedding ring was Alec's Lightwood ring.

"I'm not her brother. Valentine isn't my father. I get to meet the real brother at some point and it sounded like that was a very bad thing. And when I asked her what was the last thing she remembered she told me that was exactly what she wasn't suppose to tell me."

Jace turned his head to look at Alec. More like let his head roll to the side with as much 'I know you told her not to tell me things' look.

"I am not marrying Clary. I'm not her Jace." It hurt to say that because he was starting to wonder if he even knew who he was or who he was suppose to be. "Not anymore."

Clary's real brother. It shouldn't be easier to think about Jace's death than what had happened to Max. Both had nearly broken him... but Jace had survived and Max... By the Angel he hoped that Magnus was right and Max was in another reality, given the second chance he deserved but Alec didn't remember.

Suddenly the upbeat music from the dance didn't seem right. As the song faded to an end, Alec stood and stopped the jukebox. Going to one of the turntables, he set an old blues record to play, turning the volume to low so that it would be mostly background noise.

"Remember the injuries Max had when he arrived?" Swallowing hard, he reminded himself that if he'd told Magnus what had happened, it was safe to tell Jace. "Her brother caused them." He hoped Jace wouldn't ask for more details. He didn't want to ruin the comfortable feeling the store had given him by going over that horror again.

Alec sighed, knowing he'd have to address that look. Sitting down on the couch, he ran his hands through his hair. "Clary and I are from different points in time. I'm from farther along than her. She doesn't want to know the future. I thought that if she told you what she remembered without the rest, it would just make the rest worse for you."

Looking up, he watched Jace to gauge his parabatai's reaction. "You didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to make things worse for you because you didn't know the whole story." And he knew that Jace wouldn't talk to him. He hadn't wanted to talk to anyone... No, Alec had moved past those old resentments.

"You don't have to marry her and you were never her Jace. I'm not Magnus' Alec." They were married, but that didn't mean he was Magnus' possession. They might say things like that to others, but not in the way Jace seemed to imply. "You'll figure things out Jace." So would Alec even if he wasn't exactly sure if he'd like the results.

Jace had to wonder if he'd been the one, not just the lie his father-Valentine-had told him, would he have hurt Max. Or Alec. Or Clary. But Alec didn't look like this was a subject he wanted to talk about. Losing Max had been hard for both Alec and Izzy.

So he focused on the one thing they should have talked about and needed to talk about. Together. No more keeping Alec at a safe distance because he thought it was better for them both. Mostly better for Alec. He may not be able to tell him everything, but he also didn't like Clary and Alec keeping things from him.

"I haven't made things easy for you. Not now, not ever. Not one moment from the day we met. And it's crazy to continue sharing a soul with someone I'm not completely open and honest with because I'm afraid of losing you. You've been by my side, had my back, and risked everything for me. So....if I figure things out it will be because I have you to talk to."

Taking a deep breath he sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together.

"No more hiding. No more running away. I promised myself, for you, that I wouldn't do that to you again. Ask me anything."

Leaning back against the velvet, he began picking at the cuff of his shirt, worrying at the seam. "If you keep talking about how I would have been better off if we'd never met, I'm going to find a flock of ducklings and put them in your bedroom." He wouldn't really do it, but at least the threat might make Jace take him seriously. "Things haven't been easy for any of us. If it was easy, it wouldn't have been worth it." That's what he'd told himself when Jace had driven him crazy and later when things had been a struggle with Magnus. Easy things weren't the ones that made life better.

Alec stretched out his legs, not quite able to contain his nervous energy, afraid that Jace would continue on with his 'I don't deserve you' speech. But instead of that usual subject, Jace suggested something that caused Alec to blink at him in confusion. "Shouldn't you be asking me questions? I'm the one that asked Clary to hide things from you."

Jace gave Alec a 'you wouldn't dare' look while managing to not look too terrified at the idea. Just the thought made him shudder slightly. No. Just...no.

He doubted anyone else thought he was worth all the heartache he'd caused Alec.

"No. You told Clary not to tell me and I trust you have good reasons. Even if I hate the fact that you two are keeping things from me. But I haven't been completely open and honest with either of you so...."

He worried at his bottom lip and rubbed his hands together, taking another deep breath. "Ask me anything, Alec."

Arching an eyebrow, he gave Jace a look that suggested he might not be joking about the ducklings. At least the creepy factor would be enough to shock Jace into actually listening instead of describing all his supposed failings.

"My reasons were mostly because she didn't now everything that happened. If she told only part of the story, I was afraid you'd go back to how you were when we first arrived." Jace had already broken his promise once and Alec accepted that. It took time to break an addiction and occasionally people slipped during their recovery.

For some reason Jace wanted him to ask questions, but he couldn't figure out why or what he was supposed to ask. There was only one thing he could think of bringing up. "Why are you always panicked that you're going to lose me?"

"Then...maybe you should tell me." Jace might admit to Alec, not anyone else, that what he didn't know and the way Alec seemed to be so protective of him over it scared him. "Sometimes I'm afraid I will too."

He knew a promise would mean nothing so he didn't promise. He simply answered Alec's question as honestly as he could find the words for.

"You're the better half of my soul. Without you I'm just...a badass Shadowhunter. But you saw me as more. Someone worth having in their life beyond hunting and fighting." It was more than that. "When I held you in my arms and felt you slipping away...I don't ever want to feel that again. Not physically, not emotionally."

He took a deep breath and shook his head.

"Beyond that I don't really know how to explain why."

He hadn't wanted to talk about Max, but this didn't seem much better. But Alec had opened up the topic, so he couldn't avoid it now. Maybe if Jace was aware of his behavior in the past and was afraid of repeating him, there wouldn't be so much risk.

Considering how best to tell Jace the truth, his heart ached when his parabatai mentioned the Greater Demon attack. Knowing that Jace would need physical contact after that confession, Alec snagged one of the wooden crates he used to store records and pulled it over to Jace's chair. Carefully sitting down on the box, he rested his hand on his parabatai's arm. "You were always someone worth having in their life. The fact that your father tried to turn you into his ideal doesn't mean that you don't have traits that make you worthwhile."

Looking away from Jace for a moment, his gaze became distant and his other hand moved to his side, pressing against the parabatai rune. "I know what you felt Jace. That's what I didn't want Clary to tell you." How could he make this easier for Jace? Maybe leave out how he'd died until he'd accepted that detail? "You died during the war, but Clary pleaded with an Angel and you were brought back. She doesn't know that you survived."

"You're the only one who can see them." Jace smirked, but the look in his eyes was warmth and love. It helped ease the ache in his chest and the knot in his stomach. A little.

And then it felt as if the chair and the floor and the entire world dropped out from beneath him. He was glad he could still feel Alec's hand on his arm because it was the only thing keeping him from falling.

It took a moment before he could even find any words, make his brain move forward past the shock.

"It's something we all know and accept, but we don't really think about." Jace remembered something his father-Valentine-had said to him. Something he had reminded Jace of again while wearing Michael's face. It occurred to him right then that it was probably the only good thing his father taught him. "Sometimes it's as brave to live as it is to die."

But he had died.

"Alec. We don't bring people back from the dead." But even more important. "You were dying in my arms and I couldn't...I knew I'd die with you. I pleaded with you not to leave me. How did you...?"

He was pulling Alec into a hug, holding him so tightly, one had against the back of his neck.

"How? How did it happen?"

"Izzy would kick your ass if she heard you say that." Izzy might not be Jace's parabatai, but she loved him as much as she did the rest of their family. The fact that Jace wasn't biologically her brother didn't change that fact. She saw the good in him even if she was more aware of Jace's faults than Alec could be.

Looking up at Jace, he waited for his parabatai to process what he said, dreading what he'd have to tell him. Clary might not want to know the details of the future, but he knew that Jace wouldn't let the subject rest until he knew all of the truth. Hopefully Alec would be able to tell him in a way that wouldn't make the emotional wounds worse.

Moving as Jace tugged on him, Alec awkwardly let his parabatai pull him into a hug. "I know. I almost died when you did. Magnus was beside me. It's the only reason I survived. The demons would have killed me if the bond breaking hadn't." But Magnus had been there, almost instantly realizing what had happened when Alec had dropped in the middle of the battlefield.

"I didn't, Jace. I would have if I'd been there but..." No matter how wrong he knew it had been and the consequences of the wish, he would have made it. If he'd survived afterward long enough to put it into words. "Clary asked the Angel to bring you back and he did."

"Don't tell her, okay." Izzy would kick his ass. And he'd welcome it right now.

If he wasn't trying to wrap his head around actually dying.

"I meant...how did I die?" He understood now why Clary wasn't simply pissed at him. He knew she would be hurt and angry, but it was more than that. He hadn't been able to figure out what it was because she refused to tell him.

"And how did she convince an Angel to bring me back?" He didn't loosen his hold on Alec, simply held him tighter and closed his eyes. "I know you would have. I would have done the same."

No matter the consequences. So he couldn't blame Clary for making the same choice.

By the Angel, should he be telling Jace this?

Yes, he had to. If he'd told most of it to Magnus, then he had to tell Jace too. Of any of them, he deserved the truth the most. Gently rubbing the back of his parabatai's neck, he told himself it'd be all right. They'd find a way through this. They'd done it before. "You were sacrificed to the Angel. Valentine gave him what he loved to summon Him." That love might have been twisted and abusive, but Valentine had cared about Jace. Others might not believe it, but Alec did. What else would you offer an Angel, except either yourself or what you truly loved?

"Valentine managed to do the ritual, but Clary altered the summoning circle so that the Angel listened to her. Whoever brought the Angel to Earth was given a wish. Bringing you back was her wish." Eventually, he'd tell Jace about the complications. How they'd eventually learned that even an Angel's gift had a price. "I - I didn't know if I would until - I always thought I'd die with you. I never realized what it'd feel like to survive losing you."

Valentine. His father. Killed him? No. Sacrificed him. To get what he wanted.

Jace remembered how horrified he'd been watching his father die. How angry. How hurt. He remembered the feeling of realizing his father was alive. The betrayal of learning the truth. It had been Valentine, the enemy and leader of the Circle who slaughtered Shadowhunters and Downworlders, all along. His father.

All of it had been a lie.

Including the lie he'd told himself.

"I'm sorry, Alec. I'm so sorry."

He knew without even having to ask the details. He'd let his guard down. Listened when he should have been fighting. No one could manipulate him the way his father could and even knowing that he still let it happen. All because he could never let go.

There was a cold trickle of pain slowly filling his chest and if he hadn't been holding onto Alec he was sure he'd scream.

But for every memory of a bruise or broken bone there was a memory of a warm hand held out to him. A warm smile. Comfort. Laughter. Friendship. Light. Everything he'd never imagined.

A bond that was only made stronger the moment they drew the parabatai rune and swore the oath.

"Entreat me not to leave thee, Or return from following after thee—For whither thou goest, I will go, And where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God. Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried. The Angel do so to me, and more also, If aught but death part thee and me."

His voice broke trying to force the words past the burning ache in his throat, but he didn't stop.

"There's nothing to be sorry for." Not anymore. Maybe if he'd had more time to grieve, he would have resented what had happened, the conflicts between him and his parabatai, but he hadn't really blamed anyone except Jonathan and Valentine. If Jace hadn't been wounded... if Izzy had been able to go with Jace... If Valentine hadn't been a maniac who wanted to remake the world to fit the image he thought best... Maybe then none of it would happen.

Clinging to Jace, he waited for his parabatai to understand what had happened or at least accept the words. Jace had been through so much in the past. So much abuse and doubt. He shouldn't have this extra burden. His father was supposed to protect him, but then that really didn't seem to be how Shadowhunter parents behaved. In his own way, Hodge had been a better parent to them both, trying to protect them from the dangers around them.

When Jace began reciting the vow, Alec matched him word for word the way they had during the ceremony. His chest ached, an echo of the pain he'd felt when Jace died and of the pain his parabatai now felt, but Alec kept his voice steady.

"The Angel brought you back. It was hard afterward, but the last thing I remember about New York was that you were happy. You were accepting what happened and who you are." Alec kept running his hand over the hair at the back of Jace's neck, soothing him the way he had when they were boys and his parents weren't in the Institute to condemn them for being too close. "It'll be okay."

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♫ Now I long for yesterday ♫

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