riverviewlogs | ♫ Now I long for yesterday ♫

"Wow... you know, when you said you'd had a record store, this really wasn't what I had pictured." It looked more Magnus than Alec, but there were obviously sides of the giant Shadowhunter that she was still discovering.

Clary had stepped into the record store, not entirely sure she was prepared for the vintage look. She'd been imagining clean lines and minimalist decor. Or something. But of course Magnus probably wouldn't have allowed it. "And it's just so mundane and so Brooklyn."

Her smile increased, like she'd found herself at home in New York and not in Idaho, or even Quarantine. It even smelled like one of those record stores Simon would drag her to.

Alec began to stand when he noticed the door open. He'd set the sign to "Closed" but since it was unlocked, he knew that someone that he hadn't texted might decide to try to look around since the lights were on. ""What did you picture? LPs shoved in plastic bins?" She probably had since his 'pre-Magnus' choices had always seemed utilitarian instead of something with more flare. But even without Magnus, he wouldn't have treated the stock that way. They were rare and should be treated like they were important.

"Mundane would have been like those chain music stores," he complained, pretending to be annoyed before moving to the jukebox. He searched for something that he thought Clary would like, but it seemed to still seemed to have the selection from the Fifties dance. "Music deserves better treatment than that." The song changed to something by Chuck Berry and Alec turned toward Clary, rolling his eyes. "I used to live in Brooklyn so why wouldn't it 'so Brooklyn'."

Living a Mundane life wasn't something he'd ever considered. He was a Shadowhunter. That was his life, who he was, and with that came all the responsibility and expectations. Mundane's were boring and something to be protected.

That's what he believed before meeting Clary.

And Simon.

Clary wasn't a Mundane, but she'd lived the life. And Simon couldn't be more Mundane.

Jace took one look around Alec's music shop and instantly thought of Simon. This was a place he could imagine Simon spending his free time. If he hadn't been murdered and turned into a Vampire. Being a Vampire hadn't made him any less of a Mundane. Something, Jace was sure, only Simon could accomplish.

The surprise was how well Alec seemed to fit into the Mundane lifestyle.

He smiled and made his way over to where Alec was sitting, taking one look at the furniture and dropping onto the couch. "What exactly does the Vinyl Frontier mean?"

The jukebox had changed to something with a beat that Alec was unconsciously mimicking, tapping his foot against the floor. If Magnus was there, they probably would have started dancing. If Jace hadn't arrived, Alec might have started dancing even if he didn't have a partner.

Mentally, he winced as Jace flopped on the couch. It should be clean, right? The whole wave of a hand, finger snap magic should have gotten rid of any - uh - evidence of what they'd done the night of the dance. And the other times Alec had closed the shop for 'lunch'. "Um, you might want to sit somewhere else." Continuing on as if that hadn't been a strange thing to say, Alec added, "It's a pop culture reference to a science fiction show and the town was in the middle of nowhere so it was a 'final frontier'."

Jace gave Alec a curious look and then looked around at the couch he was sitting on, "Why?" If Alec was mentioning it then there had to be a good reason. Right? "You sound like Simon."

If Alec said they had become best friends while he was off getting his ass kicked he was not going to be jealous. Not even a little. Nope. They probably complained to each other about him.

"Sounds like you miss Idaho. Why do I want to sit somewhere else?"

He couldn't see any reason. The couch looked fine and it was comfortable.

"Simon isn't the only one who knows about pop culture." He was still learning. Music he'd already had a good foundation for. Evening watching TV and movies with Magnus had helped him learn more. "I'm slowly learning about it and I do read Magnus' comic books."

Which were true in some realities according to Cisco... That still seemed strange but demons were just stories to other beings.

"I miss aspects of it. I don't miss the mind control and zombies." Glancing over at the couch, he tried to remember where exactly they'd been sitting when... "Uh, that was our - Magnus and me - favorite spot when we were ... when the shop was slow and I'd close it early."

"Magnus has comics?" Jace wasn't sure why, but he'd never imagined Magnus reading comics or owning them. The idea was...charming. Of course Alec would know about things like pop culture and comics. Magnus was showing him the world they'd been entrusted to protect. "Now I've imagined you and Simon nerding out over comics I can't not imagine it."

Jace still wasn't completely clear on the whole zombie mind control thing Alec had mentioned before. It was something he would have to ask about later. When he wasn't suddenly imagining what had happened in Magnus's and Alec's favorite spot. The favorite spot Jace was no longer sitting in and was absolutely not thinking about.

"An active sex life is healthy." was the only thing he could think to say at the moment.

"He did in New York." He hadn't seen any since they'd arrived in Quarantine, but that didn't mean that Magnus hadn't been reading them when Alec wasn't around. It would have been strange though that he didn't share them with him. "We never got a chance too." He started spinning his wedding ring, slowed slightly by the wide spot where the monogrammed M proudly decorated the silver. "He's never been comfortable around me. If he was here, I'm sure that he'd want to see the rest of you more." Hopefully, Jace wouldn't ask about Simon since he didn't want his parabatai to worry.

Alec carefully hid a chuckle over Jace's sudden departure from the couch with a faked cough. After clearing his throat, he shrugged apologetically. "Magnus regularly used magic to clean the shop." Just in case they got too cared away during the off hours. "Remember the 'an active sex life is healthy' if you see the door of Magnus' office at the Apothecary closed." It was usually locked and warded, but just in case...

By the Angel, he missed sex. Not that he'd had a lot of sex, but sex was definitely missed.

"I'll-uh-try to remember that." Or try not to think about it if he didn't want to take another cold shower. He'd managed to avoid cold showers for at least a week now and was not looking forward to another. "You have more in common with him than I do. I'm sure you two would become the best of friends if he were here. Which he's not." And that, Jace reminded himself, was a good thing. Right?

Things were complicated enough without Simon making things even more complicated.

"Is this chair safe?" he asked, waving a hand int he chair's direction while still staring over at the couch.

"Simon doesn't like me." That probably wasn't true. Simon was terrified that Izzy's big brother would have a 'talk' with him about the two of them dating. Even though it was probably Izzy he'd need to have the talk with. Terrified of someone and disliking them were two different things. "And I'm not sure what was going on between the two of them." There'd been so much UST between them even if at the time Alec hadn't known what that term meant.

Rolling his eyes at how Jace was staring at the couch, he nodded toward the chair. "It's Izzy's chair so yes it's safe. I would never do something like that in Izzy's spot." Even if she'd done those kinds of things in Alec's bed in the past. "The couch is not going to turn into a demon and eat you. You're freaking out more than you should. It's not like you walked in on us."

"I am not freaking out!" Far from it. He was simply trying not to imagine...things. Which meant he needed to stop staring at the couch. So he gave Alec a look that was suppose to convey that he was not freaking out over the couch and sat down in Izzy's chair. "I wouldn't freak out if I had walked in on you. You, I imagine, would freak out."

Alec would probably be mortified....or...not. Jace remembered the festival and Alec's pants. And Magnus. Magnus and Alec together. He need to not be thinking about them. "Between who? What are you talking about?"

"You are freaking out. The couch is not going to hurt you and there is nothing questionable on it." Magnus wouldn't let something questionable stay on it. Not when he could wave a hand and replace it with something even brighter than the purple velvet. "If I freaked out, it'd be because my parabatai walked in." Not because someone was watching.

He flushed slightly, thinking of what he and Magnus had done at the Lounge. Thank the Angel that Jace and Izzy hadn't decided to visit that club...

"Any of you in relation to Simon. You're all weird about him."

"Weird? I am not weird about Simon." Jace sat back, getting comfortable in Izzy's chair, trying not to be weird about Simon. He wasn't weird about Simon. "And you said 'between the two of them'. Simon and who? Clary?"

Why were they talking about two people he had complicated feelings for while also talking about Alec's healthy sex life? Jace wanted to know when his life became so completely messy. Wincing slightly he instantly thought of the moment he bumped into Clary.

"Clary isn't weird about Simon. Who else is weird?" Just out of curiosity.

"You were the weirdest one about him," he teased. At least he kept the hurt out of his voice. It was an old hurt, one that they didn't need to revisit when there was already some tension between them. "Simon and Clary. Simon and Raphael. Simon and Iz. You and him. The only people that didn't have some weird thing going on with him is me and Magnus." And, technically, there was tension between Alec and his sister's maybe boyfriend.

Jace remembered Izzy flirting with Simon, but nothing happened between them. And why would Raphael be weird about Simon? Did Alec mean 'weird' as in 'dating' or just being weird? "How am I the weirdest about Simon? He hates me and I tolerate him. For Clary."

He licked his bottom lip and rubbed the fabric covered arm of Izzy's chair.

"Did Clary mention Simon to you?" Just curious. He hadn't asked because it seemed inappropriate to be asking about Simon when he was basically breaking up with her. She probably would have given into the urge to hit him then.

"It's something that I remember but none of you do." That was the easiest way to explain it. Clary refused to know anything except that Jace survived. "But you don't just tolerate him and he doesn't hate you. It's jealousy."

Which would fade eventually, even if Alec didn't quite understand the odd relationship between his parabatai and Simon.

"She hasn't mentioned it. She's been too concerned about you." Sighing, he closed his eyes, listening to the music for a few seconds. By the Angel, he missed this place and the collection of vinyl that he'd had access to. "What's going on between you two?"

Jealousy wouldn't be a problem now he thought to himself. And Alec was right. He didn't just tolerate Simon. But like everything else it didn't matter. Simon wasn't here and his heart was a complete idiot. He never should have let it get so out of control.

Jace looked at Alec, feeling the guilt all over again. He hadn't told Clary the real reason why things were so complicated. Not that it mattered. Alec was as far out of reach as Simon. Farther. He was married.

He watched Alec with his eyes closed, looking relaxed and happy, and wondered would have happened if he had never met Clary and Alec had never met Magnus.

"Nothing. I broke her heart and now I'm keeping my distance to give her time to heal."

For a few seconds, Alec remained silent, letting the music fill the space that had been so comfortable to him. The next 45 was something by the Everly Brothers. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, turning his head to give Jace a half-hearted look of disbelief.

"Nothing seems like something." He wasn't going to push, not exactly. "You're both acting weird, even compared to your last round of 'She's my sister. He's my brother'." Alec doubted that Jace would answer him, but he'd ignored the signs of trouble before and his parabatai had been hurt because of it. "Did she tell you something that's bothering you?"

"It's not what she said. It's everything she didn't say." Jace had wanted to ask Clary what it was Alec didn't want her to tell him, but he wanted to trust Alec had a good reason.

He took a deep breath and laid his head back against the chair.

"I broke up with her. Sort of. I didn't actually say 'I'm breaking up with you'. Not that we were dating, but she remembers things differently."

"What did she say?" Part of him didn't want to know, but if this was what was causing Jace to swing between the healthy life choices they'd seen before and ones that could potentially be reckless, then Alec needed to find a way to help his parabatai.

"I remember them differently too. I remember you giving her your family ring." He paused, giving Jace a significant looking, knowing that he would understand the meaning of giving that ring to Clary. Especially when everyone knew that Magnus' wedding ring was Alec's Lightwood ring.

"I'm not her brother. Valentine isn't my father. I get to meet the real brother at some point and it sounded like that was a very bad thing. And when I asked her what was the last thing she remembered she told me that was exactly what she wasn't suppose to tell me."

Jace turned his head to look at Alec. More like let his head roll to the side with as much 'I know you told her not to tell me things' look.

"I am not marrying Clary. I'm not her Jace." It hurt to say that because he was starting to wonder if he even knew who he was or who he was suppose to be. "Not anymore."

Clary's real brother. It shouldn't be easier to think about Jace's death than what had happened to Max. Both had nearly broken him... but Jace had survived and Max... By the Angel he hoped that Magnus was right and Max was in another reality, given the second chance he deserved but Alec didn't remember.

Suddenly the upbeat music from the dance didn't seem right. As the song faded to an end, Alec stood and stopped the jukebox. Going to one of the turntables, he set an old blues record to play, turning the volume to low so that it would be mostly background noise.

"Remember the injuries Max had when he arrived?" Swallowing hard, he reminded himself that if he'd told Magnus what had happened, it was safe to tell Jace. "Her brother caused them." He hoped Jace wouldn't ask for more details. He didn't want to ruin the comfortable feeling the store had given him by going over that horror again.

Alec sighed, knowing he'd have to address that look. Sitting down on the couch, he ran his hands through his hair. "Clary and I are from different points in time. I'm from farther along than her. She doesn't want to know the future. I thought that if she told you what she remembered without the rest, it would just make the rest worse for you."

Looking up, he watched Jace to gauge his parabatai's reaction. "You didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to make things worse for you because you didn't know the whole story." And he knew that Jace wouldn't talk to him. He hadn't wanted to talk to anyone... No, Alec had moved past those old resentments.

"You don't have to marry her and you were never her Jace. I'm not Magnus' Alec." They were married, but that didn't mean he was Magnus' possession. They might say things like that to others, but not in the way Jace seemed to imply. "You'll figure things out Jace." So would Alec even if he wasn't exactly sure if he'd like the results.

Jace had to wonder if he'd been the one, not just the lie his father-Valentine-had told him, would he have hurt Max. Or Alec. Or Clary. But Alec didn't look like this was a subject he wanted to talk about. Losing Max had been hard for both Alec and Izzy.

So he focused on the one thing they should have talked about and needed to talk about. Together. No more keeping Alec at a safe distance because he thought it was better for them both. Mostly better for Alec. He may not be able to tell him everything, but he also didn't like Clary and Alec keeping things from him.

"I haven't made things easy for you. Not now, not ever. Not one moment from the day we met. And it's crazy to continue sharing a soul with someone I'm not completely open and honest with because I'm afraid of losing you. You've been by my side, had my back, and risked everything for me. So....if I figure things out it will be because I have you to talk to."

Taking a deep breath he sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together.

"No more hiding. No more running away. I promised myself, for you, that I wouldn't do that to you again. Ask me anything."

Leaning back against the velvet, he began picking at the cuff of his shirt, worrying at the seam. "If you keep talking about how I would have been better off if we'd never met, I'm going to find a flock of ducklings and put them in your bedroom." He wouldn't really do it, but at least the threat might make Jace take him seriously. "Things haven't been easy for any of us. If it was easy, it wouldn't have been worth it." That's what he'd told himself when Jace had driven him crazy and later when things had been a struggle with Magnus. Easy things weren't the ones that made life better.

Alec stretched out his legs, not quite able to contain his nervous energy, afraid that Jace would continue on with his 'I don't deserve you' speech. But instead of that usual subject, Jace suggested something that caused Alec to blink at him in confusion. "Shouldn't you be asking me questions? I'm the one that asked Clary to hide things from you."

Jace gave Alec a 'you wouldn't dare' look while managing to not look too terrified at the idea. Just the thought made him shudder slightly. No. Just...no.

He doubted anyone else thought he was worth all the heartache he'd caused Alec.

"No. You told Clary not to tell me and I trust you have good reasons. Even if I hate the fact that you two are keeping things from me. But I haven't been completely open and honest with either of you so...."

He worried at his bottom lip and rubbed his hands together, taking another deep breath. "Ask me anything, Alec."

Arching an eyebrow, he gave Jace a look that suggested he might not be joking about the ducklings. At least the creepy factor would be enough to shock Jace into actually listening instead of describing all his supposed failings.

"My reasons were mostly because she didn't now everything that happened. If she told only part of the story, I was afraid you'd go back to how you were when we first arrived." Jace had already broken his promise once and Alec accepted that. It took time to break an addiction and occasionally people slipped during their recovery.

For some reason Jace wanted him to ask questions, but he couldn't figure out why or what he was supposed to ask. There was only one thing he could think of bringing up. "Why are you always panicked that you're going to lose me?"

"Then...maybe you should tell me." Jace might admit to Alec, not anyone else, that what he didn't know and the way Alec seemed to be so protective of him over it scared him. "Sometimes I'm afraid I will too."

He knew a promise would mean nothing so he didn't promise. He simply answered Alec's question as honestly as he could find the words for.

"You're the better half of my soul. Without you I'm just...a badass Shadowhunter. But you saw me as more. Someone worth having in their life beyond hunting and fighting." It was more than that. "When I held you in my arms and felt you slipping away...I don't ever want to feel that again. Not physically, not emotionally."

He took a deep breath and shook his head.

"Beyond that I don't really know how to explain why."

He hadn't wanted to talk about Max, but this didn't seem much better. But Alec had opened up the topic, so he couldn't avoid it now. Maybe if Jace was aware of his behavior in the past and was afraid of repeating him, there wouldn't be so much risk.

Considering how best to tell Jace the truth, his heart ached when his parabatai mentioned the Greater Demon attack. Knowing that Jace would need physical contact after that confession, Alec snagged one of the wooden crates he used to store records and pulled it over to Jace's chair. Carefully sitting down on the box, he rested his hand on his parabatai's arm. "You were always someone worth having in their life. The fact that your father tried to turn you into his ideal doesn't mean that you don't have traits that make you worthwhile."

Looking away from Jace for a moment, his gaze became distant and his other hand moved to his side, pressing against the parabatai rune. "I know what you felt Jace. That's what I didn't want Clary to tell you." How could he make this easier for Jace? Maybe leave out how he'd died until he'd accepted that detail? "You died during the war, but Clary pleaded with an Angel and you were brought back. She doesn't know that you survived."

"You're the only one who can see them." Jace smirked, but the look in his eyes was warmth and love. It helped ease the ache in his chest and the knot in his stomach. A little.

And then it felt as if the chair and the floor and the entire world dropped out from beneath him. He was glad he could still feel Alec's hand on his arm because it was the only thing keeping him from falling.

It took a moment before he could even find any words, make his brain move forward past the shock.

"It's something we all know and accept, but we don't really think about." Jace remembered something his father-Valentine-had said to him. Something he had reminded Jace of again while wearing Michael's face. It occurred to him right then that it was probably the only good thing his father taught him. "Sometimes it's as brave to live as it is to die."

But he had died.

"Alec. We don't bring people back from the dead." But even more important. "You were dying in my arms and I couldn't...I knew I'd die with you. I pleaded with you not to leave me. How did you...?"

He was pulling Alec into a hug, holding him so tightly, one had against the back of his neck.

"How? How did it happen?"

"Izzy would kick your ass if she heard you say that." Izzy might not be Jace's parabatai, but she loved him as much as she did the rest of their family. The fact that Jace wasn't biologically her brother didn't change that fact. She saw the good in him even if she was more aware of Jace's faults than Alec could be.

Looking up at Jace, he waited for his parabatai to process what he said, dreading what he'd have to tell him. Clary might not want to know the details of the future, but he knew that Jace wouldn't let the subject rest until he knew all of the truth. Hopefully Alec would be able to tell him in a way that wouldn't make the emotional wounds worse.

Moving as Jace tugged on him, Alec awkwardly let his parabatai pull him into a hug. "I know. I almost died when you did. Magnus was beside me. It's the only reason I survived. The demons would have killed me if the bond breaking hadn't." But Magnus had been there, almost instantly realizing what had happened when Alec had dropped in the middle of the battlefield.

"I didn't, Jace. I would have if I'd been there but..." No matter how wrong he knew it had been and the consequences of the wish, he would have made it. If he'd survived afterward long enough to put it into words. "Clary asked the Angel to bring you back and he did."

"Don't tell her, okay." Izzy would kick his ass. And he'd welcome it right now.

If he wasn't trying to wrap his head around actually dying.

"I meant...how did I die?" He understood now why Clary wasn't simply pissed at him. He knew she would be hurt and angry, but it was more than that. He hadn't been able to figure out what it was because she refused to tell him.

"And how did she convince an Angel to bring me back?" He didn't loosen his hold on Alec, simply held him tighter and closed his eyes. "I know you would have. I would have done the same."

No matter the consequences. So he couldn't blame Clary for making the same choice.

By the Angel, should he be telling Jace this?

Yes, he had to. If he'd told most of it to Magnus, then he had to tell Jace too. Of any of them, he deserved the truth the most. Gently rubbing the back of his parabatai's neck, he told himself it'd be all right. They'd find a way through this. They'd done it before. "You were sacrificed to the Angel. Valentine gave him what he loved to summon Him." That love might have been twisted and abusive, but Valentine had cared about Jace. Others might not believe it, but Alec did. What else would you offer an Angel, except either yourself or what you truly loved?

"Valentine managed to do the ritual, but Clary altered the summoning circle so that the Angel listened to her. Whoever brought the Angel to Earth was given a wish. Bringing you back was her wish." Eventually, he'd tell Jace about the complications. How they'd eventually learned that even an Angel's gift had a price. "I - I didn't know if I would until - I always thought I'd die with you. I never realized what it'd feel like to survive losing you."

Valentine. His father. Killed him? No. Sacrificed him. To get what he wanted.

Jace remembered how horrified he'd been watching his father die. How angry. How hurt. He remembered the feeling of realizing his father was alive. The betrayal of learning the truth. It had been Valentine, the enemy and leader of the Circle who slaughtered Shadowhunters and Downworlders, all along. His father.

All of it had been a lie.

Including the lie he'd told himself.

"I'm sorry, Alec. I'm so sorry."

He knew without even having to ask the details. He'd let his guard down. Listened when he should have been fighting. No one could manipulate him the way his father could and even knowing that he still let it happen. All because he could never let go.

There was a cold trickle of pain slowly filling his chest and if he hadn't been holding onto Alec he was sure he'd scream.

But for every memory of a bruise or broken bone there was a memory of a warm hand held out to him. A warm smile. Comfort. Laughter. Friendship. Light. Everything he'd never imagined.

A bond that was only made stronger the moment they drew the parabatai rune and swore the oath.

"Entreat me not to leave thee, Or return from following after thee—For whither thou goest, I will go, And where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God. Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried. The Angel do so to me, and more also, If aught but death part thee and me."

His voice broke trying to force the words past the burning ache in his throat, but he didn't stop.

"There's nothing to be sorry for." Not anymore. Maybe if he'd had more time to grieve, he would have resented what had happened, the conflicts between him and his parabatai, but he hadn't really blamed anyone except Jonathan and Valentine. If Jace hadn't been wounded... if Izzy had been able to go with Jace... If Valentine hadn't been a maniac who wanted to remake the world to fit the image he thought best... Maybe then none of it would happen.

Clinging to Jace, he waited for his parabatai to understand what had happened or at least accept the words. Jace had been through so much in the past. So much abuse and doubt. He shouldn't have this extra burden. His father was supposed to protect him, but then that really didn't seem to be how Shadowhunter parents behaved. In his own way, Hodge had been a better parent to them both, trying to protect them from the dangers around them.

When Jace began reciting the vow, Alec matched him word for word the way they had during the ceremony. His chest ached, an echo of the pain he'd felt when Jace died and of the pain his parabatai now felt, but Alec kept his voice steady.

"The Angel brought you back. It was hard afterward, but the last thing I remember about New York was that you were happy. You were accepting what happened and who you are." Alec kept running his hand over the hair at the back of Jace's neck, soothing him the way he had when they were boys and his parents weren't in the Institute to condemn them for being too close. "It'll be okay."

Izzy hadn't really thought about what she might do if any remnants from Wayward Pines made their way here. Honestly, she figured that it was all left behind them. And that seemed to mean, to her, to leave it all behind.

So, when she'd received the text from her brother that the roecord store was here, of all places, she couldn't help but make her way over. And, upon arrival, she couldn't help but think that it looked the exact same that it had when they'd left. Letting herself in, it doesn't take her more than a moment to spot her brother, going through yet another box of records. Smiling, even though it's a bittersweet one, Izzy makes her way over to her brother, perching herself precariously (and gingernly) the arm of Alec's chair, supporting most of her own weight and not relying much on the chair, really. "Well, this looks familiar. And here I thought we'd left everything from Wayward Pines behind."

Looking up and around, it's not exactly uncanny, but it's identical. Nothing has changed. And she's not sure she can decide what her feelings are about that fact, or what she thinks of the reminder either. "How does it feel seeing all of this again?"

The clack of Izzy's heels somehow makes it all more real. The only other detail that would make it perfect would be Magnus here to chat with her, but he expected Magnus later, after he was done at the Apothecary. "I thought we had too." It shouldn't be here, but neither should they so he could let that impossibility go. Somehow they'd ended up on a moon and so had Alec's record store.

Shutting down the jukebox, he moved to one of the turntables, placing the record he'd selected on it. After making a few adjustments, he set the needle to start. When he was sure the volume was right, he moved to the chair, sitting down carefully so he didn't unbalance Izzy. Setting up the record had given him time to think, but he wasn't sure how to answer her question.

He'd gotten better at discussing things with her after Magnus broke up with him, but emotions and putting them into words was still difficult. "I don't know. I was ignoring how much I missed it until I saw it again."

At least she's not the only one that assumed so. Still, it feels....like some sort of throwback, or something, to be here. It feels like a lifetime ago to her. It feels that way, mainly, because things were different for her in Wayward Pines. Or they felt that way, anyway. The settled feeling that she had there....was different. Here it feels like she's carved out more for herself. She's doing more. She's not running a store, she's utilizing the science that she loves.

There, she didn't even rememver that entire part of herself, and she's still not sure how she feels about that.

Looking up as Alec deals with the turntables, the middle Lightwood looks around again. Alec had loved this place - she could just tell. And the party that he and Magnus had thrown had been pretty amazing. She's not sure if it's something that he wished he'd brough with him all along, or what. But, Izzy can tell that there's something on Alec's mind. After all, he's thinking - she can practically see the gears working with each action he performs before he sits back down.

"Why didn't you say that you missed it? Idaho wasn't the best place, but there's nothing wrong with missing a place like this - given the implanted memories, the memories that you made, and the time you spent in this place, you know?" Izzy points out, sounding very much the wise sister that she tries to be at times. Or at least, hoping she does. She can understand why he might miss this place. "It doesn't seem weird to me, you could have mentioned it."

He knew Izzy was happier here. Even if he didn't remember her interest in science and that seemed new to him, he knew that it was what she enjoyed. She was brilliant and that intelligence shouldn't be stifled. She was helping others more than he was. Which might be one of the reasons why he had been thinking about the shop more.

"It felt like it was somehow making our lives here seem like they weren't important." That had been part of it at least. They'd been relatively free to live some aspects of their lives but Wayward Pines had been stricter than the Clave in others. Here he could be with Magnus, living a life they'd never have in New York or in Idaho. "I'm happier here. We don't have to hide most of ourselves in Quarantine. No one cares about our marks or if we were Shadowhunters." It was freeing.

"Mentioning it wouldn't bring it back." Looking around to make sure that none of the others had entered through one of the other doors, he tipped his head back against the velvet to look up at Izzy. "I don't know if I really miss it or if I've just been feeling restless lately."

Moving to put her hand on Alec's back, between his shoulderblades, Izzy shifts so that she can look over at her brother. "I think there's a flaw in your logic there, big brother. You can miss something without belittling what you have." She explains, gently, rubbing very lightly on that spot on his back. Even she has things that she misses - moreso from home than Wayward Pines, but still. "You're allowed to miss things from there, or from home without it counting as a dig at your - our - lives now." She shares, leaning down a little bit, her hair falling over her shoulder and some of it hanging a bit like a curtain around her.

"And just because you're happy here doesn't mean you can't miss things either." Izzy runs her hand up to her brother's neck and then musses his hair up, playfully. That drops relatively quickly, though, as Alec leans back, looking up at her the way that he does. "It wouldn't bring it back, no, but you don't have to ignore things either." Izzy, this time, smooth's Alec's hair, considering what he's saying.

"Well, what do you think you miss about it? And if it's just restlessness - does that mean you're not happy as a perimeter guard, or something else?"

"I think I got used to things being 'either or'." Leaning closer to Izzy, he reached up to gently tug on her hair. "I had to choose between my crush on Jace or being his parabatai. I could live up to our parents expectations or could come out. I could have a normal life or be with Magnus. There didn't seem to be middle ground."

Sometimes it still felt that way but Alec wasn't sure if that was his own perceptions that had been forced into a certain way of viewing the world or the truth.

"There's not much that I miss from home." That felt traitorous. He should miss Robert and Maryse and some days he did, but then he'd remember how they'd treated Magnus. How they'd ignored the four of them when they were children and forced Alec to be an adult. "And I don't miss what I should."

Unconsciously he scrunched down in the chair to make it easier for Izzy to reach his hair, pretending to scowl when she ruffled it out of place. "It seemed pointless to talk about it when it's not something that can be changed. And everyone except the three of us seems to think it's weird that I had this."

Looking around the room, he couldn't help thinking of how different it was to what he'd had at the Institute, but it was similar to the way Magnus had decorated the loft during their happier times. "I'm happy but I feel like there's more to life than being a warrior. You went to college. You found a role beyond Shadowhunter. I've been wondering if I could find something too."

Izzy can't help but feel a pang of resentmenht toward their parents, toward the Clave, and toward how things were to put Alec in this place. To make him think that way. It wasn't all right, and it wasn't fair to him. Life - to Isabelle Lightwood - shouldn't ever have to be this or that, or either or. In every respect, from what she knew - which was a hell of a lot considering - Alec had lived up to their parents expectations, even if they didn't necessarily see it that way. And here, as well as in Idaho, her brother had the chance at a normal life...even if that was the biggest difference from home. "Well, now you're in a place where you can have it all, as cliche as it might sound. No hard decisions - you just have to decide what the things you want are."

Rolling her eyes at the sheer guilt in his voice, Izzy can't help the look she levels her brother with...both from that and from the previous tug of her curl. "There's not a mandate of what you should and shouldn't miss. And it's fine if you don't miss much too." Part of Izzy thinks that she shouldn't really have to say this, but at the moment her brother really seems to need to hear it. Nobody can dictate what he feels, what he should feel, and he should be free to view things...and feel how ever comes naturally to him.

"Why can't it be changed? If you miss this recreate it here." It sounds so simple, and Izzy can't quite help but boil it down to something simple. Because...if you want something - you find it, you take it, you make it happen. And it really is as simple as that. Nodding, lightly, Izzy can understand the dilemma. "Alec, if you want something more go for it. You're entitled to it and you're much more than just a warrior. We don't have to ignore our interests, our passions. If you want more everyone here will support that."

"Even if you're not sure what 'all' is?" he teased. Deep down, Alec knew that she was right. There was no reason why everything had to be 'either or'. He just hadn't ever seen anything beyond being a Shadowhunter. Not until they'd arrived in Quarantine, then he hadn't been able to stop himself from thinking about what it'd be like to try things that normally were forbidden to Nephilim.

"I shouldn't still be angry with Robert," he sighed before pretending to flinch away from her glare. "I know I'll forgive him eventually, but I keep feeling like I shouldn't be holding that against Maryse too." It wasn't fair to her. She'd been trying, but she'd been so set in the idea of little Lightwoods that she couldn't see that he was happy with Magnus. "I miss Lily and Maia even if they drive me crazy." He almost mentioned Simon but Izzy didn't seem to remember him as clearly as he did. Which probably was for the best since then she wouldn't miss her boyfriend.

"I don't know if I want to." Alec looked up at her in amusement. "Can you really imagine this as a long term choice? Jace would go stir crazy if I became a shopkeeper again." And now that Clary was in the city, that wasn't an option any of them could let happen. He had the feeling that his parabatai's drinking wouldn't be the only lapse in judgement that they saw thanks to his conflicted feelings. "I don't really know what my interests are. You know you like science. You probably knew for years. The only thing I really had were books and music."

"Well, you have think on it to eventually decide on what all is, but even with uncertainty- yes it counts." Izzy replies, allowing some sass to seep into her tone while she bumps purposefully into her brother's shoulder. Even if someone needs to experiment and try on various things in order to decide what all it is that they want to have, can have.

"I'm pretty sure there isn't a set time in which you have to forgive your parents for anything. And nobody said that feelings had to be fair." Iz points out. She's more than aware that some of her own feelings have crossed into the exact opposite of that category in the past. And with their parents they're not required to do anything when it comes to forgiveness - especially not considering the amount of pushing, prodding, and judgement that they both had recieved from their parents. "And missing people that aren't here...it's only natural. Even if you're happy here."

Izzy misses people from home - she had missed Clary before she'd come back. She's missed Max since he went back. She misses Simon some days. She misses people, and some places or things, but not enough that she isn't happy right here whre she is. It's only natural.

"Unless you employed him and gave him another outlet for all of that ridiculous energy he manages to bottle up." Izzy rolls her eyes, unable to quite help but counter Alec's point. "It doesn't have to be this, obviously, it just has to be something that you want to pursue...that makes you happy, but if this is it you owe it to yourself to not put your happiness on the backburner to take care of Jace." Izzy almost says something that she knows she shouldn't, but bites her tongue. Taking care of Jace, keeping him occupied, and keeping him in check isn't something that is feasable on the long-term. So, Izzy means it when she points out that Alec does need to keep himself happy first. They'll figure Jace out - but as much as parabatai are bonded there's a limit...because being someone's keeper and having them not bothering to help themself for too long...Izzy can only think about how old that would get, and this is even with the amount of time that she's known Jace...and loving him like a brother.

She just doesn't want to see Alec unhappy because he's putting what he wants off due to his parabatai.

"Well, yeah, I knew I loved science, but there are ways to figure out what is for you, big brother." Izzy rolls her eyes playfully, turning a little more. "That's what taking classes, and trying different things out are for. Not everybody knows what they want or what they love without experimenting and trying things on." Izzy grins, using a shopping analogy with amusement on her red lips.

For awhile he's silent, obviously considering his sister's advice, trying to decide what 'all' was and what he else he could do with his life. In some ways, he still felt guilty for considering that this wasn't enough. He liked the Perimeter Guard. He loved his life with his family and husband, but sometimes he felt restless. Not the way Jace did, not really. Unlike his parabatai, Alec could find outlets for his energy that didn't involved hunting monsters.

Their parents were an easier subject, even if they shouldn't be. "I know, Iz, but I also know that not forgiving them isn't healthy. Resenting how they treated me when we were growing up and the things Robert said and did after I came out..." Shaking his head, he gave his sister a weary smile. "I know he's the one who is wrong. He apologized, in his own way, but it doesn't feel like one yet. I know I should miss the others, but I can't think about it too much." Because if he did, then he'd start thinking about Max.

"I don't know what to do about Jace," he confessed, hating putting the thought into words, but he knew Izzy would be more objective than Magnus. His husband was worried about something related to Jace, but they hadn't really dealt with the source if Magnus' concern. "I have a bad feeling that things with him will get worse now that he knows part of the truth about what happened during the wars." He was already acting odd. What would happen if Alec quit the guard and decided to run a record store? "Before we ended up in Idaho, Jace was settling down, becoming responsible. Now it's one step forward and two steps back."

Classes wouldn't be bad, would they? He wouldn't have to commit to anything. It didn't even have to lead to anything other than learning something new. Rolling his eyes, he pretended to let out a suffering sigh. "Aren't you and Magnus happy with my wardrobe yet?" He moped for a few seconds before adding, "I was thinking maybe history or mythology. If I took classes."

"Maybe not, but only you can determine when you're ready too. So, don't try and force it if you're not there because you don't have to feel one way or the other." Izzy says firmly. Just like mourning, nobody can tell somebody else when is enough time for forgiveness. It's something that someone has to decide on their own; Alec has to get to the point that he genuinely is ready to forgive, not force it because of someone else, or some other standards. Izzy may not always listen to her own advice, but she can clearly see what seems right for her brother, what he should know to not force anything because of anybody else.

Izzy's quiet, it's her turn - obviously. She takes in the statement: 'I don't know what to do about Jace' and a part of her can't help but think about what Jace has spoken with her about, what she knows about the blonde. She can't help but feel conflicted about things with Jace all around. "I can't tell you what to do about Jace, that's something you have to figure out. What I do know is that you're probably right because it sounds exactly like him to backtrack, you just have to remember even though he's your parabatai you have a responsibility to make yourself happy and fulfilled - your whole life doesn't revolve aorund what to do about Jace."

She probably shouldn't say it, but there it is, again.

Alec, though, has a bad habit of living for others...of making decisions because of other people and what htey need, want, or think. And that's, oftentimes, at his own esxspense. "Never!" Izzy sticks her tongue out, playfully. "Try both - one after the other, even, you don't have to limit yourself, Alec."

Even though he knew that Izzy had sided with him during the fights with their parents, he still hated dragging her into it. Until Izzy had learned of the affair, she'd adored Robert. Even with all that anger to keep her going, it still had to hurt to choose one family member over another. "I keep thinking if I don't forgive them soon, I'll never let go of that hurt." Picking at his sleeve, he let out a sigh. "He asked me to forgive him. He gave all these reasons why, but he still made it sound like I was some kind of punishment for his past." Which was the main reason why Alec couldn't quite forgive Robert. He could understand bigotry. He dealt with that enough with the Clave and the older Shadowhunters. Or even Robert not understanding how to deal with a gay son, but turning his sexuality into some sort of punishment from the Angel hurt no matter what Robert said about Alec being the better person.

No matter how wise Izzy could be when Alec asked for advice, he knew that she wouldn't have an answer for their problems with Jace. Not because of the bond he shared with his parabatai, but because there probably wasn't an answer. She was right. He couldn't keep trying to protect him from the world, but after years of being the one watching his siblings' backs, it was almost impossible to let something like this go. "I'm afraid Clary won't be a helpful influence. He's already broken a promise to me." Which wasn't Clary's fault. She hadn't known but when Clary was withing ten blocks of Jace, his parabatai lost what little common sense he had. "You know how he gets around her."

Alec wasn't Jace's keeper, but that didn't mean he wanted Jace to run off and start brawling with werewolves or going monster hunting to help 'deal with his feelings'.

"I am wearing colors. I am wearing things that feel too small." But both Izzy and Magnus said were the correct size for him. He still had his doubts about that, at least when Magnus said it. Izzy had no reason to want him to wear tight jeans. "I'm not planning to. I'm just not sure if that's what I should do. I liked what I was doing in New York with the Downworlders, but I don't know how I'd do something similar here."

"Oh, so you can tell the future now?" Izzy teases, reaching over to poke her brother. He's so serious at times. She can't help but feel like he deserves to let himself not overthink the situation, or force himself into forving, forgetting, or some other emotionally-connected action that he's just not ready for. "Because I'm pretty sure there's no time limit on anything, and sometimes time gives perspective and all that jazz...I think you need to stop pressuring yourself to do this, or that, and just let it be. Let yourself process the feelings until you feel ready. Don't force yourself to let go of your hurt before you'rer eady because it's your pain and your decision, Alec. Nobody else's."

Despite the fact that Izzy is very much an outgoing fashionista....she's not a total ditz. She can have her moments, and where her brother is brooding, contempative, and does things like this - she, at least, projects it out there that she is confident in everything she does. It makes a difference, makes her even feel that way when she doesn't, in certain situations.

"And you can't blame Clary for Jace's decisions. He's a big boy." Iz levels her brother with a pointed look, curls falling forward slightly as she does. "You've got to take that up with Jace and you know it." Izzy knows she's right here. Though, she's not disagreeing that her presence has an effect on Jace - it's not about her, though, it's about Jace himself. And the way he chooses to do htings. She's not entirely sure Alec speaking with him will have the intended affect, unfortunately, but they both know the conversation needs to happen with the blonde, no their ginger friend.

"Baby steps, big brother." Izzy teases, grin pulling at her mouth. "Those are baby steps in the right direction." Of course, that is a feat, considering who she's talking about - her grumpy big brother. "The nice thing about classes..." Izzy stands, turning around and putting her hands on Alec's shoulders, squeezing. "You can drop them if you really don't enjoy it. And there are plenty of different opportunities and careers around here that could fit the bill if you want to try those on too. How genius, right?" Iz teases, tapping Alec's cheek playfully before straightening.

Wincing away from his sister, Alec tried not to pout. "No, but I don't want to become bitter over something that's in the past." He'd seen so much hatred over perceived insults. It'd caused so much death and led to wars. He didn't want that kind of darkness ruining the happiness he had with his family. "Is it healthy to be so angry over what he did when he said that I was a good man?" That wasn't something he'd ever thought Robert would say and it had eased some of the hurt but years of being afraid because of his father's paranoia didn't disappear with a few words of praise. "Have you forgiven him for what he did?" Sometimes it seemed like Izzy had been more angry over Robert's reaction to Alec's sexuality than he was.

Rolling his eyes, he leaned back in the chair, still wary that he'd get poked again. "I'm not blaming her. She probably didn't even know that Jace had promised not to drink. Jace acts a certain way around her, whether she's thinking up their latest harebrained scheme or not." Before Izzy could, he held up a hand in a placating gesture. "It's his fault he does it, but her presence does influence his decisions."

Looking up when his sister stands, he half expected a kick to the shin or some other reminder that he should be nicer to Clary. Which was unfair since he's been trying to treat her like his sister. "You can drop classes?" Why would that be allowed? They hadn't been allowed to change their studies when they were kids.

Careers? Did he want one? Magnus had his business and Alec expected him to eventually start his High Warlock type duties again, but other than Shadowhunter he hadn't really had a career. Or maybe he had. "I miss working with Downworlders. I was doing something good at home."

"No because actions and words are two different things, Alec. And it's valid, okay even, to be angry. It's not bitterness when you just aren't ready to let it go. When you're ready...you will. You're not just a bitter person." And Izzy believes that wholeheartedly. Her brother isn't bitter - sassy maybe. Sarcastic, absolutely. The occasional jerk...sure why not? But he's not a bitter person. She knows he's not holding onto anything out of some sense of spite or to be purposeful. "You don't even want to be upset - and that's a major sign that you're not just bitter."

It does throw the younger Lightwood, for a moment, when she's asked that question by her brother. And she's not really...interested in talking about it herself. So, she shrugs - noncommitally. She's never really interested in turning around and sharing on her part when it's easier to focus on him, or someone else. Avoidance...sometimes it's just easier.

"I'm going to go ahead and guess she had no idea." She can't help but defend her friend. And Alec's well-timed hand keeps her from throwing out another line of defense for Clary. Pursing her lips, Izzy rolls her eyes, but nods. "Fine, fair enough. The two of them together are like...certain chemicals where they always have some sort of reaction when mixed together. It is his impulse problem, though, especially when he should know better in some situations."

She loves Jace, she really does. But he's the seasoned shadowhunter. Clary isn't. He's the one that could be the voice of reason in some situations - he chooses not to be. He creates a lot of his own problems - and even as his sister Izzy's not afraid to admit and poke at his faults - Alec's either when she's in the right mood.

Snorting a laugh out, Izzy nods. "Yes, Alec, you can drop classes in the mundane world - when it's not a shadowhunter class. Because you're paying for the education, you're tapering it to what you want to do and to your interests. So, you want to work with downworlders....ask yourself what the alternative is here - and find a way to do it."

Izzy taps her toe against Alec's foot with another wink. She's not letting anybody off the hook as of late. IF they want something - she's pushing them. Because this place does have limitless opportunities for all of them, and they should be taking them.

♫ Now I long for yesterday ♫

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