Cisco Ramon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
franciscoramon) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
riverviewlogs2018-02-04 05:45 pm
franciscoramon) wrote in riverviewlogs2018-02-04 05:45 pm
Entry tags:
- dc comics (rebirth): wally west,
- legend of zelda (botw): zelda,
- original: shigeru miyata,
- star trek (aos): james kirk,
- star trek (tng): beverly crusher,
- star wars: finn,
- star wars: rey,
- the adventure zone: taako taaco,
- ✖ dctv (flash): cisco ramon,
- ✖ dctv (flash): eddie thawne,
- ✖ the adventure zone: lucretia,
- ✖ the raven cycle: adam parrish
[ open ] call it your 2.0, your rebirth, whatever
who: cisco + anyone!
what: catch-all + tdm prompts + fajro prompts
when: february
where: various places!
warnings: will add as needed
I. DREAM A LITTLE DREAM
[ Cisco thought that the crystal caves sounded exactly like something from a fantasy series he had loved as a child, so of course, he dragged Eddie to go and see them with him. There had been nothing ominous about the place, at the time. It isn't until a few days later that Cisco's dreams start to show the sign of outside influence. They become vivid, surreal, and most importantly, he starts having guests. A few times he'll have a passing thought about a friend before falling asleep, only to run into them in his dream. He's no stranger to unusual dreams, and - after what had happened in October - not even a stranger to encountering other people in them.
But it's still pretty damn weird. ]
You see that, right? It's not just me?
[ Cisco asks the question to whoever is standing next to him, pointing down an empty city street at the looming figure of what is, unmistakably, a Godzilla-sized robotic panda. ]
II. CLEANING HOUSE
[ Cisco had rolled his eyes at first at the idea of a whole holiday based around cleaning. What could be less fun? He's always been somewhat inclined to keep stuff. After all, you never know what use it could be later. He spends plenty of his time scavenging the things other people left behind in the abandoned parts of the city, for materials and parts for his work.
But once he and Eddie decide to share the same room, he realizes he is going to have to get rid of at least some of his stuff, to make room. So he reluctantly starts, only to find himself getting more and more into the task. He can be seen either having a cute little yard sale to get rid of various items (clothing, books, etc.), or else taking what remains after the sale down to the bonfires by the river. ]
III. CLEARING THE AIR
[ Along with everyone else in the Quarantine, as the month progresses, he finds himself dwelling on resentments from his past. Unfortunately for Cisco, most of those resentments pertain to people who aren't even here. Once the 15th rolls around, he finds that his sense of taste has vanished completely. A few conversations with others tell him that this is probably something to do with the holiday, that he needs to clear the air.
But what is he supposed to do, when the people he's feeling resentful towards aren't even here?
So Cisco can be found all that week making his way around town, sitting in a park or perhaps at a bar, slump-shouldered and wan and uncomfortable, needing (but not knowing it) someone to talk to. A good heart-to-heart will put things right, but he's not aware of that yet.
He is also, despite his distraction, more than happy to listen to others' woes, or any resentments held against him. ]
what: catch-all + tdm prompts + fajro prompts
when: february
where: various places!
warnings: will add as needed
I. DREAM A LITTLE DREAM
[ Cisco thought that the crystal caves sounded exactly like something from a fantasy series he had loved as a child, so of course, he dragged Eddie to go and see them with him. There had been nothing ominous about the place, at the time. It isn't until a few days later that Cisco's dreams start to show the sign of outside influence. They become vivid, surreal, and most importantly, he starts having guests. A few times he'll have a passing thought about a friend before falling asleep, only to run into them in his dream. He's no stranger to unusual dreams, and - after what had happened in October - not even a stranger to encountering other people in them.
But it's still pretty damn weird. ]
You see that, right? It's not just me?
[ Cisco asks the question to whoever is standing next to him, pointing down an empty city street at the looming figure of what is, unmistakably, a Godzilla-sized robotic panda. ]
II. CLEANING HOUSE
[ Cisco had rolled his eyes at first at the idea of a whole holiday based around cleaning. What could be less fun? He's always been somewhat inclined to keep stuff. After all, you never know what use it could be later. He spends plenty of his time scavenging the things other people left behind in the abandoned parts of the city, for materials and parts for his work.
But once he and Eddie decide to share the same room, he realizes he is going to have to get rid of at least some of his stuff, to make room. So he reluctantly starts, only to find himself getting more and more into the task. He can be seen either having a cute little yard sale to get rid of various items (clothing, books, etc.), or else taking what remains after the sale down to the bonfires by the river. ]
III. CLEARING THE AIR
[ Along with everyone else in the Quarantine, as the month progresses, he finds himself dwelling on resentments from his past. Unfortunately for Cisco, most of those resentments pertain to people who aren't even here. Once the 15th rolls around, he finds that his sense of taste has vanished completely. A few conversations with others tell him that this is probably something to do with the holiday, that he needs to clear the air.
But what is he supposed to do, when the people he's feeling resentful towards aren't even here?
So Cisco can be found all that week making his way around town, sitting in a park or perhaps at a bar, slump-shouldered and wan and uncomfortable, needing (but not knowing it) someone to talk to. A good heart-to-heart will put things right, but he's not aware of that yet.
He is also, despite his distraction, more than happy to listen to others' woes, or any resentments held against him. ]
no subject
He shakes his head, a little too vehemently. ]
I don't want to do that.
[ Things are going so wonderfully, between him and Eddie. They're perfect for each other. They never fight. He's not about to put any part of that in jeopardy. Not for any reason.
The answer he gives is clearly a reflex, an outburst of anxiety, rather than calm certainty that he and Eddie have no grudges between them at all. Cisco crosses his arms, hands gripping tight at his upper arms, shoulders hunched. Eddie has been so good to him, so good for him. He can't mess that up. ]
no subject
Cisco didn't say there's no resentment between them. He said he doesn't want to express it. And...that's a little troubling.
Eddie's brows furrow and he frowns a bit, lifting a hand idly to support the weight of the horn on the left side of his head, blue eyes locked on Cisco's face. Trying to read him, his body language, the way he's hunched in on himself with his arms crossed in front of himself, protectively. Trying to figure out how to approach this when Cisco seems almost afraid of him.]
Why not?
no subject
[ Cisco looks up, meets Eddie's gaze, his pale blue eyes keen and unrelenting. Cisco is reminded, then, of how easily Eddie can read him. How hard it is, by comparison, for him to read Eddie, or anybody else for that matter. And he feels a prickle of jealousy. It's not fair, that Eddie can see through him so easily.
But instead of saying that, or even acknowledging that a resentment had just bubbled to the surface of his mind, he insists (sounding a little now as if he's trying to convince himself): ]
Because it's wrong to act like this tiny, unfair, barely noticeable stuff matters at all when you treat me better than... than anybody's ever treated me, my whole life.
[ That's getting closer to the truth. Any complaints he might have about Eddie are so minuscule, compared to all the good Eddie's done for him, continues to do for him, every day. To acknowledge any of it feels... ungrateful.
Cisco shifts his weight, stomach twisting. He gets down to the truth of it, and that's clear in the way his voice goes a bit raw and he drops his eyes, whispering: ]
Because I don't want to risk messing this up. I... don't know what I'd do without you.
no subject
And when Cisco says he doesn't want to risk messing this up, that he doesn't know what he'd do without him, Eddie swallows hard, feeling a sudden rush of emotion. Sliding down into the couch beside Cisco, he pulls one foot up and tucks it under the other leg so he can sit sideways and face him.]
Hey. It's okay if you're upset at me for little things. I love you too, and so...you know, if you tell me something that's upsetting you, it's not going to mess anything up.
[A pause, and he takes a sharp little breath.]
Believe me. I know I'm not perfect.
no subject
Until Eddie calls himself 'not perfect' and Cisco cuts in quickly: ]
See, but that's just it.
[ His breath is a little shaky, but he interrupts with enough energy that the momentum carries him forward, helps him to say: ]
You are. You're perfect. And I'm so... not. So, like, how can I criticize you for being neat? It's good to be neat. I should be neater. It's just sometimes you put my stuff away in weird places and I don't know where to find it because I was still in the middle of using it. Or- or trying to get me to eat healthier, when all I want to do is shove red vines in my face for two days in a row. I can't criticize that, because you're right, and I know you're right.
[ Cisco chews at a cuticle, feeling the strange and ambivalent sensation of guilt for saying those things, and relief, too. It's such a hard thing to navigate: part Eddie's habits knocking his self-esteem down a peg because he can't help comparing, part actual irritation at his own accustomed habits being inconvenienced. He knows he has no kind of moral ground to stand on, that it's just tiny, petty annoyances that can only spring from him being a fundamentally terrible person. ]
no subject
Swallowing hard, he listens to Cisco as he explains that it's irritating when Eddie puts his things away while he's using them so he can't find them, or stops him from eating candy. He can understand, why those things would be frustrating, how it could come across like he's looking down on Cisco or thinks he's superior. It's just that...]
I get that. I mean, I don't think I'm better than you or anything, or like...that you should live the way I do. I just do it without thinking. It's just...you know, it's annoying when there's stuff all over the place or I cook something and you don't want to eat it because you've filled up on Skittles.
[Eddie avoids eye contact, lifts his hand and rubs at the base of one of his horns, distractedly.]
I'm not perfect, though. I really am not.
no subject
[ That's the thing; Eddie doesn't even do it out of judgement or a feeling of superiority. If he did, Cisco would have reason to be irritated. But Eddie's motives are entirely blameless. He wants a clean home, to cook good meals, to live an admirable life. And he's willing to pick up Cisco's slack in order to make that happen. It's just that Cisco likes a bit of slack. But there's no ground to stand on, and he knows it.
Cisco rubs a hand down his face, wishing he had just not said anything at all, sneaking a quick, guilty glance up at Eddie's face, his downcast eyes. His shoulders hunch further, and he gives a very small shrug, as if to say you asked for this. He mutters: ]
You should do me, now. There's gotta be stuff I do that gets on your nerves, I mean. It's only fair.. Your turn.
no subject
I said as much as you did, already.
[There's a pause, and he shifts a bit closer, reaches out to take Cisco's hand in his, gently tugging it toward himself, running his thumb over Cisco's knuckles.]
Why does this bother you so much? Telling me what I do that annoys you? Are you worried I'm going to leave you because you admitted I'm annoying sometimes? Because I promise, Cisco. I promise I'm not going to.
no subject
[ Even Cisco can hear the faint hint of petulance in his words; he'd gone out on a limb, saying what he did, and now it feels like Eddie's avoiding doing the same. If Eddie were anyone else, he would start wondering if it were some kind of trick, or mind game. But Eddie doesn't play those. He's good, and honest.
He tightens his hand, squeezing gently as Eddie touches it. Cisco is glad for that touch, the warm familiar feeling of Eddie's fingers. ]
I guess. I don't... know as much about long-term relationships as you do. You're the first person I've been with this long, you know? And I'm not- I haven't got as much experience, knowing what it's supposed to look like.
[ He raises his eyes, finally, to look at Eddie, worry clear in his dark eyes. ]
And I can't stand the thought of hurting you, know you? And you're so- you're better than I am. At hiding it. When you're hurt.
no subject
[Eddie shrugs, eyes flicking up to Cisco's face again.]
Honestly, that's what I would've said anyway. I guess... [For a moment, he's quiet, and then he speaks, his voice hesitant.] ...maybe sometimes I feel a little upset when you're so wrapped up in a project and I feel like I disappear out of your mind. Like science is some mistress I lose you to for days at a time. And don't get me wrong, I love it that you're so smart, I love watching you do what you do, but I miss you. And I guess I feel unimportant.
[Eddie licks his lips, avoiding eye contact again, and then, when Cisco starts speaking again, explaining that he doesn't know much about long-term relationships, and that he lacks experience, doesn't know what it's supposed to look like, Eddie looks up at him again with a slight smile.]
It looks different every time, I think, depending on who's involved. I think...I think hurting each other happens in relationships though. And Cisco, if I left you or got mad at you because you told me a few irritating things I do, I'd be a really, really bad boyfriend.
no subject
I- I didn't know.
[ Cisco scoots over, so he can wrap his arms around Eddie, settle close against his chest and mumble against his shoulder. ]
You're not unimportant. Not even a little. It's- [ He chews his bottom lip for a moment as he tries to find the right words. ] No one's ever... wanted to spend time with me enough for that to like... even occur to me. Back in Central City, it didn't really matter if I stayed at S.T.A.R. Labs for a couple days in a row 'cause... 'cause that's what they kept me around for. It was- what was expected.
[ There's no self-pity, in the words. Just an apologetic need to explain why. But Cisco presses his cheek against Eddie's collarbone and is quick to add: ]
I'll be better, okay. Now that I know... it's important to you. Anytime I get all up in my head, just tell me I'm pulling a Beautiful Mind and need to pump the brakes, and I'll do it.
[ When Eddie says he'd be a really bad boyfriend if he broke up with Cisco for mentioning things that irritate him, Cisco huffs a tiny laugh that sounds like it has the traces of a sob in it. He's still feeling a bit shaky, but the tension has broken, enough to let him joke, gently: ]
In that case, I got another beef. You give Shadow way too many table scraps. He's getting so spoiled!
no subject
So it's a relief when Cisco scoots closer and curls up against him, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his cheek into his chest, assuring him that he's not even a little unimportant. That it hadn't even occurred to him that it might be a problem because no one had wanted him around this much, that it had been expected. That answer hurts a little, but he smiles softly, rubs Cisco's back.]
I know you don't think of me as unimportant. It's just a feeling, and it's okay, but thank you.
[Shifting back a bit, he lifts a hand and gently strokes the side of Cisco's face, brushing his hair back behind an ear, his smile a little crooked as he studies Cisco's face. And when Cisco chokes a bit, makes that sobbing laugh and then says that he gives Shadow too many table scraps, Eddie laughs too.]
And he's getting fat. I know. I know. It's stupid of me...I'll try to stop.
no subject
[ He smiles, feeling a little rush of warmth, remembering that vibe he'd had, of the two of them sometime in the future, how much larger Shadow had been, then. That knowledge makes him scrunch his nose with amusement and say, as if making a concession: ]
House cats are supposed to be fat, though. It's their job. My problem's that now any time I'm getting something to eat he starts begging, and I feel like a monster for not sharing. He's got those big sad green eyes.
[ It's strange, how much better Cisco is feeling already. Like he's been walking around with some kind of vice around his chest, constricting him, and he can feel it starting to loosen. ]
It's not stupid. You're just too sweet for your own good.
[ Even as he's thinking that maybe that's it, maybe he should try a bite of that stir-fry and see if it's done the trick, another thought floats to the surface of his mind. He smile dims and then drops, and he adds, quiet and newly solemn again: ]
I- there's only one more thing I can think of. And it's not- it's me being jealous of something good about you, not you doing anything wrong. Sometimes I kinda... resent how much easier it is for you to read people, than it is for me. You know? Like, it's so not fair to feel that way, and I know how important it is for your job, but I just can't help but feel like... it's such an unfair advantage, you know?
no subject
[Eddie smiles at him, his eyes bright and warm, because it means a lot to him that Cisco would consider him that much, that he would take his feelings that seriously. That he would consider dropping everything in the middle of a project to come home and coddle Eddie for feeling lonely. He can't help but feel a rush of happiness, a little thrill, that he means that much to Cisco.
Gently, he keeps pushing back Cisco's hair from his face, fingertips caressing against his cheeks and ear, his earlobe, just enjoying the contact, the feeling of Cisco's warm skin and hair.]
Mmm, I can see how that would be a problem. You're too good, and kind, and you want to spoil him too. It's almost impossible to say no.
[A soft laugh, and he shakes his head, leaning in and kissing against Cisco's mouth. But then, Cisco's smile fades and he glances downward, his voice solemn and quiet and Eddie feels a spike of worry. He listens as Cisco explains what's going through his mind, bites his lower lip and wonders how he can help with it, what he can do to make it better for Cisco. But the truth is, he can't. Not really.]
I'm sorry, babe. I don't mean to have an unfair advantage. I guess...it's just something I do, you know? I learned it.
[For a few moments, he chews on his lower lip, then he speaks, voice quiet.]
Maybe I could teach you, a bit? Some of the basics of reading body language and facial expressions, the stuff I learned in school. It's all behavioural science. Would you like that?
no subject
[ The hyperbole is clearly meant for humor; Cisco's voice is warm and fond, and his complaint about Eddie spoiling Shadow was only half-serious in the first place. The truth is, as annoying as the cat's begging can be, he loves that Eddie adores the cat as much as he does. That his generosity and gentleness are so boundless. And a part of Cisco can't help being proud, remembering he'd been the one who found Shadow, and brought him into Eddie's life, then his own. ]
I always figured it was like... I mean I knew you'd studied that stuff, but some of it's just gotta be intuition, right?
[ He doesn't sound certain, however. Eddie's offer is a surprising one, and while his knee-jerk reaction was to say no because it wouldn't make any difference, Cisco pauses, and considers. ]
You mean it? You don't think... I don't know. That I'm a hopeless case?
[ He reaches up, running his fingers through Eddie's hair, around the base of those horns, a little furrow of worry coming between his brows. ]
What else? How can I help you get rid of these things? They've gotta be hurting this late in the day, right?
no subject
Well, you're not weak at all, so I guess it worked.
[The smile is a bit crooked, and only grows as Cisco keeps looking at him the way he does. Eddie can see it, the fact that Cisco loves him, right now, that Cisco is looking at him with affection and pride and care, and it makes him feel good in a way that's slowly becoming more familiar, in this place, with Cisco. Who would've thought that sharing some resentments between them could leave him feeling like this, loved and warm and safe and content?
It's Cisco. It's always been Cisco.]
Some of it is, yeah, but the thing is, everyone has intuition. It's just that a lot of us ignore it, or subconsciously ignore it because we want to believe the best of people, or we're taught from childhood experiences that it's best to ignore it, or because we benefit short-term in some way from ignoring it. I mean, look at me, back in Central City. I knew from almost the moment Barry woke up that Iris was in love with him, but I pretended it wasn't the case because I wanted to be with her so badly.
[Taking a deep breath, he holds it for a moment, then releases it.]
Sometimes we're blind to what our own instincts tell us. Learning to read body language and pay attention to those physical cues can, you know, untrain us from that instinct.
[He trails off, eyes on Cisco's face as he watches for the effect that has on his boyfriend - it was hard, to word it without making Cisco feel like he's weak, or too desperate for love to pay attention to his own doubts, even if that's the honest truth of it. Hopefully, using a personal example will help take the sting out.
And then Cisco is touching the base of his horn and asking what else. Eddie's smile falters, goes a little wry.]
Babe, don't worry about it. That resentment...it's not yours. It belongs to someone else. Maybe a few other people.
no subject
And the truth is, despite how he usually tells it, even to himself, there had been signs about Eobard. Moments when Cisco's conscience had stopped him short, made him question, just for an instant. The autopsies on metahumans that had died. How willing Wells had seemed to sacrifice Ronnie. The way Bette had just disappeared. Stein being taken from the lab. Little clues that he'd ignored, consciously or unconsciously.
Even as he drops his gaze, he can feel the weight of Eddie's eyes on him, the warmth of his sympathy and concern. ]
Yeah... you're right. I ignored stuff I shouldn't have.
[ He looks up, then, expression soft and quiet. Without speaking again, he leans forward and kisses Eddie, just a brief press of his lips. When he pulls away again, he is smiling faintly. ]
I do want to learn. At least a little. If you don't mind.
[ Eddie's answer does alleviate a little of his worry, but Cisco continues running his fingers through Eddie's hair, blunt nails scraping delicately against the scalp around Eddie's horns. ]
Can you tell me about them? Maybe- maybe that'll be enough.
no subject
When Cisco drops his gaze and says that Eddie's right, that he ignored things he shouldn't have, Eddie makes a noise of protest in his throat, brows furrowing a little.]
That's not what I meant, babe. It's not on you, it's on him, and there were a lot of reasons you acted the way you acted and trusted who you trusted. Okay? I'd love to teach you how to trust your own instincts, but don't ever think that just because you haven't in the past that being hurt was your fault. It wasn't.
[Eddie shifts, ducking his head to try to catch Cisco's eyes, until his boyfriend lifts his gaze to look at him, and he smiles.]
I love you.
[It's soft, gentle, encouraging. And then Cisco is brushing fingers through his hair, scraping his nails against his scalp where it aches from supporting the horns. Cisco is asking to hear his resentments, his issues and upsets and the hurts he holds onto inside. Licking his lips nervously, Eddie is quiet for a few moments. This kind of thing has always been hard for him - he doesn't like talking bad about people, he doesn't like venting about his issues, he'd just rather not have them. But there's no other way to deal with the horn situation and he trusts Cisco not to judge him for the petty stuff he's holding onto.]
Barry, I guess. He's a hero but...but I can't help being mad at him for what I lost, you know?
no subject
I love you, too.
[ Cisco doesn't rush Eddie. He can tell this silence apart from an angry silence, or a confused silence. Eddie has things to say. He just needs time, to bring himself to say them. So Cisco keeps on gently massaging his scalp, waiting for the right words to come to his boyfriend. Even if it takes half an hour, he is ready to wait. But it's not that long until Eddie exhales, apparently accepting his situation, and starts to divulge his other resentments. The fact that he starts with Barry isn't a big surprise, and Cisco is immediately ready with encouragement. ]
Of course I know.
[ He keeps up the movement of his hands, little circles of pressure and contact against Eddie's skull, coaxing and thoughtless. ]
Eddie, you've got every right to be angry at him. Barry wasn't perfect, okay. Believe me. You don't have to hold back, just 'cause I was his friend. Tell me more.
no subject
Alright then, we'll start with learning about body language tells, later on today or tomorrow or whenever we're up to it.
[Then Cisco is rubbing his fingers against his scalp again, massaging around the base of the horns, and Eddie makes a soft groan in his throat at it, eyes sinking shut. The contact makes it easier to respond to Cisco, his voice quiet.]
I guess...I get it. He was in love with her. He was in love with her for a long time, a really long time. But he never said anything. I was the one who said it, you know? I was the one who...who treated her with respect and was honest with her. I was the one who was there beside her, every day.
[A pause, and he's quiet for a moment. It's funny, he hadn't even realized that he was this angry about it until he'd started saying it out loud.]
I feel like he thought he was entitled to her. Like he took advantage of her fascination with The Flash to set up this scenario where he was...the exciting other man, tempting her away because he was too scared to tell her how he felt without a mask on. And then he did, and she said no, and he just kept pushing...
no subject
[ Cisco can't deny any of what Eddie is saying. Barry had always acted as if he were wronged by Eddie and Iris being together, as if he'd never had a chance, a fair opportunity. But he had. He'd had days and weeks and months and years, before the accelerator exploded, before his coma. He'd wasted that time, as if Iris were going to remain single and available for as long as he liked, until he were ready. But that's not how the world works.
And Eddie, in the meantime, had been the one making Iris feel wanted. He'd done the work of dating her, caring for her, living with her, loving her. Cisco's seen it, in the months they've been together, how much energy and attention Eddie spends, when he is with someone. ]
He was afraid of her. Of treating her like an adult. You never were.
[ The hypocrisy is clearer for Cisco to see now, with some perspective. All Barry's little visits to Iris, as the Flash, were putting her in danger, in a way that totally went against his willingness to lie to her about his identity. He hadn't wanted her to know the truth because he was afraid - not just of her getting hurt by criminals and villains, but of her knowing him, seeing him, genuinely, without games. So he'd encouraged her with this fairytale superhero persona of the Flash, and he'd lied to her as Barry Allen - trying to cheat the system and be with her without ever needing to make himself vulnerable. ]
You were always right. About how we shouldn't have kept up the lie. You were the only one who was... who was really willing to risk being completely upfront. Barry wasn't. Iris wasn't. Hell, even Joe and the rest of us weren't, about all kinds of stuff.
[ He keeps moving his hands, massaging Eddie's scalp as he speaks. There's a knot of guilt in his chest, slowly tightening. He should have spoken up. Should've done something to make the situation better, back then, when it had mattered. His support now is... little, and late. ]
Barry never treated you right. If he'd really loved Iris, he would've been happy for you guys. Done his best to keep your relationship healthy and strong, instead of... what he did.
no subject
But Cisco doesn't look like he's caught between the two. He's admitting that Barry was wrong, that Barry didn't treat Iris like an adult, that Eddie was right to want to tell her the truth, that he was the one who was willing to be upfront. For some reason, just for a moment, Eddie's eyes well up with tears, because it's a little overwhelming to hear that, to hear someone who loves him and loved Barry say that he was right, that he'd done the right thing.
Then Cisco is saying if Barry loved Iris he would've been happy for them and tried to keep their relationship healthy and strong. Lifting a hand, Eddie scrubs at his eyes with the heel of it, swallowing hard.]
That's what I did, when...you know, when Barry and Iris were fighting because Barry refused to support her Flash blog? When we were working on the Tony Woodward case together, I tried to figure out what was going on, how to help them reconnect. She needed her best friend.
[Shaking his head, he exhales, rubs at his eyes again. The horns feel lighter, somehow, like they're getting hollow inside.]
It's really a stupid thing to dwell on. I just hang onto it because...it doesn't feel fair. And because I never got to tell her that I wanted to be honest with her.
no subject
I know. And Barry never appreciated that. He took advantage of it. Of you and how kind you were.
[ When it came to Iris, Barry was willing to break all his usual rules - even the rule that made him treat other people well, and empathize with them, and try to help them. Eddie had been an obstacle, getting between Barry and Iris, and so Barry's treatment of him had been uncharacteristically petty and cold. ]
It's not stupid to dwell on. Just because it's in the past doesn't mean it doesn't matter. You know that. And it wasn't fair. None of it was fair to you, Eddie. Nobody - none of us had your back. Not even Joe or Iris, really. And you deserved to have someone on your side.
[ Cisco pulls Eddie's head down just enough that he can kiss his forehead, apologetic and loving. His chest hurts a little with sadness, and he considers not saying what he does next. ]
She knew. I know you didn't get to tell her, and that sucks, but... Joe did. I heard it. The two of them talking about you, and how you'd wanted to tell her the truth the whole time. And for what it's worth I think... Barry realized, after you were gone, how much he'd messed up. He... failed you. It shouldn't have taken you dying for him to get that, but.
no subject
I get it. He was upset because I was dating the woman he had feelings for, he was angry at me for that. I really do get it. I just wish he wouldn't have...you know, I wish he wouldn't have tried to get her to cheat on me. And it hurts, that he did such a good job of it.
[Licking his lips, he glances up when Cisco pulls him in, gentle and careful, and kisses his forehead while he explains that one of them should have had his back, that someone should've spoken up. The tears do spill over then, welling up and making his vision blurry, two of them streaking down his cheeks, joined by a few more when Cisco explains that Joe had told Iris that he'd wanted to tell her the truth, when he says that Barry realized that he'd messed up after Eddie had died.]
That helps. [It's soft, but honest. Genuine.] It helps to know that...she knew that in the end. I always trusted her.
[A pause, and he rubs at his eyes, licking his lips.]
They're getting lighter. It's like they're hollow inside now.
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[ Cisco can't watch Eddie crying without his own vision going a bit blurred with tears, but he manages to blink them back, cupping Eddie's face in his hands and wiping the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs. Cisco kisses his forehead again as he cries, then his cheeks, places one last soft kiss on his mouth. ]
She knew. And she didn't... maybe she's gonna end up with Barry someday, but it's not like- like as soon as you were gone, she was rushing off to him. She was mourning you.
[ When Eddie mentions that the horns are starting to feel lighter, Cisco smiles, small and warm and encouraging: ]
Good! That's good, baby. That means we're on the right track.
[ Cisco reaches up to touch the horns again, and they do feel less solid than before, less sturdy. As soon as they're all the way gone, Cisco is going to fingercomb Eddie's hair for about an hour without stopping. But for now, he reaches down, laces his fingers with Eddie's and encourages: ]
You're doing really well. Keep going.
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