riverviewlogs | [ open ] call it your 2.0, your rebirth, whatever

Entry tags:

[ open ] call it your 2.0, your rebirth, whatever

who: cisco + anyone!
what: catch-all + tdm prompts + fajro prompts
when: february
where: various places!
warnings: will add as needed

I. DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

[ Cisco thought that the crystal caves sounded exactly like something from a fantasy series he had loved as a child, so of course, he dragged Eddie to go and see them with him. There had been nothing ominous about the place, at the time. It isn't until a few days later that Cisco's dreams start to show the sign of outside influence. They become vivid, surreal, and most importantly, he starts having guests. A few times he'll have a passing thought about a friend before falling asleep, only to run into them in his dream. He's no stranger to unusual dreams, and - after what had happened in October - not even a stranger to encountering other people in them.

But it's still pretty damn weird. ]

You see that, right? It's not just me?

[ Cisco asks the question to whoever is standing next to him, pointing down an empty city street at the looming figure of what is, unmistakably, a Godzilla-sized robotic panda. ]

II. CLEANING HOUSE

[ Cisco had rolled his eyes at first at the idea of a whole holiday based around cleaning. What could be less fun? He's always been somewhat inclined to keep stuff. After all, you never know what use it could be later. He spends plenty of his time scavenging the things other people left behind in the abandoned parts of the city, for materials and parts for his work.

But once he and Eddie decide to share the same room, he realizes he is going to have to get rid of at least some of his stuff, to make room. So he reluctantly starts, only to find himself getting more and more into the task. He can be seen either having a cute little yard sale to get rid of various items (clothing, books, etc.), or else taking what remains after the sale down to the bonfires by the river. ]

III. CLEARING THE AIR

[ Along with everyone else in the Quarantine, as the month progresses, he finds himself dwelling on resentments from his past. Unfortunately for Cisco, most of those resentments pertain to people who aren't even here. Once the 15th rolls around, he finds that his sense of taste has vanished completely. A few conversations with others tell him that this is probably something to do with the holiday, that he needs to clear the air.

But what is he supposed to do, when the people he's feeling resentful towards aren't even here?

So Cisco can be found all that week making his way around town, sitting in a park or perhaps at a bar, slump-shouldered and wan and uncomfortable, needing (but not knowing it) someone to talk to. A good heart-to-heart will put things right, but he's not aware of that yet.

He is also, despite his distraction, more than happy to listen to others' woes, or any resentments held against him. ]

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You're right.

[ Cisco can't deny any of what Eddie is saying. Barry had always acted as if he were wronged by Eddie and Iris being together, as if he'd never had a chance, a fair opportunity. But he had. He'd had days and weeks and months and years, before the accelerator exploded, before his coma. He'd wasted that time, as if Iris were going to remain single and available for as long as he liked, until he were ready. But that's not how the world works.

And Eddie, in the meantime, had been the one making Iris feel wanted. He'd done the work of dating her, caring for her, living with her, loving her. Cisco's seen it, in the months they've been together, how much energy and attention Eddie spends, when he is with someone. ]

He was afraid of her. Of treating her like an adult. You never were.

[ The hypocrisy is clearer for Cisco to see now, with some perspective. All Barry's little visits to Iris, as the Flash, were putting her in danger, in a way that totally went against his willingness to lie to her about his identity. He hadn't wanted her to know the truth because he was afraid - not just of her getting hurt by criminals and villains, but of her knowing him, seeing him, genuinely, without games. So he'd encouraged her with this fairytale superhero persona of the Flash, and he'd lied to her as Barry Allen - trying to cheat the system and be with her without ever needing to make himself vulnerable. ]

You were always right. About how we shouldn't have kept up the lie. You were the only one who was... who was really willing to risk being completely upfront. Barry wasn't. Iris wasn't. Hell, even Joe and the rest of us weren't, about all kinds of stuff.

[ He keeps moving his hands, massaging Eddie's scalp as he speaks. There's a knot of guilt in his chest, slowly tightening. He should have spoken up. Should've done something to make the situation better, back then, when it had mattered. His support now is... little, and late. ]

Barry never treated you right. If he'd really loved Iris, he would've been happy for you guys. Done his best to keep your relationship healthy and strong, instead of... what he did.

[Eddie's not entirely shocked when Cisco agrees with him, but he is a little pleasantly surprised. Barry, after all, had been Cisco's best friend, had always been in his corner, and so Eddie had always hesitated to complain about him to Cisco. It hadn't really out of fear that Cisco wouldn't support him or understand, not entirely - mostly, he had felt uncomfortable with the idea of badmouthing Cisco's friend to him. It put Cisco in an awkward place, emotionally, to be placed between his boyfriend and his best friend.

But Cisco doesn't look like he's caught between the two. He's admitting that Barry was wrong, that Barry didn't treat Iris like an adult, that Eddie was right to want to tell her the truth, that he was the one who was willing to be upfront. For some reason, just for a moment, Eddie's eyes well up with tears, because it's a little overwhelming to hear that, to hear someone who loves him and loved Barry say that he was right, that he'd done the right thing.

Then Cisco is saying if Barry loved Iris he would've been happy for them and tried to keep their relationship healthy and strong. Lifting a hand, Eddie scrubs at his eyes with the heel of it, swallowing hard.]

That's what I did, when...you know, when Barry and Iris were fighting because Barry refused to support her Flash blog? When we were working on the Tony Woodward case together, I tried to figure out what was going on, how to help them reconnect. She needed her best friend.

[Shaking his head, he exhales, rubs at his eyes again. The horns feel lighter, somehow, like they're getting hollow inside.]

It's really a stupid thing to dwell on. I just hang onto it because...it doesn't feel fair. And because I never got to tell her that I wanted to be honest with her.

[ Cisco sees Eddie's eyes going bright, but he pretends not to notice, for the time being. Just scoots a little closer, fingers gentle and warm moving through Eddie's hair. Perhaps this is something he ought to have said out loud a long time ago. He knew that he thought Barry had been in the wrong, but had he ever said it to Eddie like this? Plainly, without excuses, without equivocation. Maybe Eddie needed to hear it more than he realized. He'd always been afraid of dredging up old sadness, of seeming to make excuses for himself. But now he thinks that that silence was wrong. ]

I know. And Barry never appreciated that. He took advantage of it. Of you and how kind you were.

[ When it came to Iris, Barry was willing to break all his usual rules - even the rule that made him treat other people well, and empathize with them, and try to help them. Eddie had been an obstacle, getting between Barry and Iris, and so Barry's treatment of him had been uncharacteristically petty and cold. ]

It's not stupid to dwell on. Just because it's in the past doesn't mean it doesn't matter. You know that. And it wasn't fair. None of it was fair to you, Eddie. Nobody - none of us had your back. Not even Joe or Iris, really. And you deserved to have someone on your side.

[ Cisco pulls Eddie's head down just enough that he can kiss his forehead, apologetic and loving. His chest hurts a little with sadness, and he considers not saying what he does next. ]

She knew. I know you didn't get to tell her, and that sucks, but... Joe did. I heard it. The two of them talking about you, and how you'd wanted to tell her the truth the whole time. And for what it's worth I think... Barry realized, after you were gone, how much he'd messed up. He... failed you. It shouldn't have taken you dying for him to get that, but.

[Eddie shrugs a little, his eyes down.]

I get it. He was upset because I was dating the woman he had feelings for, he was angry at me for that. I really do get it. I just wish he wouldn't have...you know, I wish he wouldn't have tried to get her to cheat on me. And it hurts, that he did such a good job of it.

[Licking his lips, he glances up when Cisco pulls him in, gentle and careful, and kisses his forehead while he explains that one of them should have had his back, that someone should've spoken up. The tears do spill over then, welling up and making his vision blurry, two of them streaking down his cheeks, joined by a few more when Cisco explains that Joe had told Iris that he'd wanted to tell her the truth, when he says that Barry realized that he'd messed up after Eddie had died.]

That helps. [It's soft, but honest. Genuine.] It helps to know that...she knew that in the end. I always trusted her.

[A pause, and he rubs at his eyes, licking his lips.]

They're getting lighter. It's like they're hollow inside now.

You don't need to do that, though, Eddie. You don't need to always get it. Him being jealous isn't an excuse for how he acted. You think I've never been jealous before? Never had feelings for somebody who was taken? But I wouldn't do what Barry did. And I've got a feeling you wouldn't, either. So you don't need to make excuses for him at your own expense, okay? You don't always gotta be so noble.

[ Cisco can't watch Eddie crying without his own vision going a bit blurred with tears, but he manages to blink them back, cupping Eddie's face in his hands and wiping the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs. Cisco kisses his forehead again as he cries, then his cheeks, places one last soft kiss on his mouth. ]

She knew. And she didn't... maybe she's gonna end up with Barry someday, but it's not like- like as soon as you were gone, she was rushing off to him. She was mourning you.

[ When Eddie mentions that the horns are starting to feel lighter, Cisco smiles, small and warm and encouraging: ]

Good! That's good, baby. That means we're on the right track.

[ Cisco reaches up to touch the horns again, and they do feel less solid than before, less sturdy. As soon as they're all the way gone, Cisco is going to fingercomb Eddie's hair for about an hour without stopping. But for now, he reaches down, laces his fingers with Eddie's and encourages: ]

You're doing really well. Keep going.

I just don't want to cause trouble. They were best friends, you know?

[It comes out before he really thinks about it, and he takes a heavy breath, holding it in and then releasing it slowly.]

I never wanted to be the reason they stopped being friends. I put my foot down when I started to feel like I was the third wheel in their relationship, but...you know, I never wanted to push him out of her life. Not getting it would've done that. So I just...ugh. It doesn't really matter. I'm just retreading the same ground again.

[Leaning into Cisco's hands, he accepts the gentle comfort, the way Cisco wipes his tears away and kisses his forehead, his boyfriend's beautiful dark eyes wet with tears, because Cisco cares about how he feels. It's soothing, to hear that Iris waited, that she mourned him, that she didn't just run into Barry's arms. Swallowing hard, he nods a bit, lifting a hand and kisses Cisco back, softly, before scrubbing at his eyes.]

Well. I'm really really resentful that I didn't just get together with you right away and just skip Taako.

[ Cisco considers saying something, when Eddie gets frustrated, says that he's repeating himself, and stops speaking. But he knows that there is going to be no perfect resolution or closure that Eddie will reach today. Despite the nature of this holiday, that sort of thing is elusive, and cannot be forced. Especially not when the wounds are so relatively recent. So Cisco keeps quiet, and waits for Eddie to move on.

The direction he moves in surprises Cisco a little. He'd expected Joe, Eobard - someone from back home. But the surprise only lasts for a moment. When Eddie voices that next resentment, he nods, slowly, contemplative. ]

I didn't know that.

[ Eddie is someone who was taught to think of things in terms of success and failure, had seen his relationship with Taako as one that failed, and was thus an embarrassment or waste of time. Cisco sighs, resting his weight against Eddie a little more, a reminder of his solidness, his presence. It's a tricky thing, figuring out how he's going to say what he wants to, without it sounding like he's invalidating what Eddie feels. ]

I think... the way things ended with Taako... it taught you what you needed.

[ Cisco chews at his bottom lip for a moment or two, before he explains in the best way he knows how: ]

In science, there's no such thing as an actual 'failed experiment'. It's just as valuable and informative when you do all the work - the setup, the planning, the research, the hours and hours, all that hope - and in the end, you find out the answer is no. That you were wrong. Doing all that teaches just as much about the world, y'know? We need to confirm what doesn't work, before we can make something that does. And I think, with Taako... you confirmed that you really needed to be somebody's top priority.

[ Then Cisco touches their foreheads together, nuzzling his nose against Eddie's. His voice has gotten softer, a little raspy with emotion. ]

Besides, we found each other eventually. I know it took us a little while, but... we got here.

[Eddie manages a small smile when Cisco says he didn't know that he wishes he'd have just skipped Taako and gotten together with him. Shrugging a bit, he glances down, feeling a little guilty and a little strange all at once.

While Cisco talks, about what it might've meant, what it might've done for him, to date Taako and find out what he needs, Eddie listens, tries to take what he can from it. When Cisco finishes, he makes a soft hum in his throat, shrugging again.]

Maybe you're right. But I think I learned all that with Iris already. That I had to be someone's top priority. I can't remember if I told you I broke up with her, shortly before I died. We got back together, but...I'd broken it off because it was impossible to ignore how much Barry had intruded on our relationship.

[Licking his lips, he avoids eye contact, frowning a little.]

I think with Taako, after what happened with Iris, I just wanted to be wanted. I needed to feel like someone was attracted to me, like I was desirable. I tried, but there was no real emotional connection there, he kept me at arms' length and I still don't know why.

[Exhaling softly, he glances up at Cisco again.]

So I guess that's what I'm resentful of. That I feel like he never gave us a chance.

You did tell me.

[ Cisco trusts Eddie and his awareness of his own motives. But he can't help thinking that, well... Eddie had gotten back together with Iris. He had gotten involved with Taako, who kept people at arm's length. Perhaps Eddie had started to understand what he wanted from a relationship, but he wasn't insisting on it, until he broke things off with Taako.

And Cisco knows that Eddie isn't really looking for some kind of explanation, or even speculation, about why Taako had kept him at a distance. It was too late for that to matter, anyway. ]

Yeah. I get that. You deserved a chance. You were- were ready for it to be something more.

[ And, the unspoken end to that sentence implies, Taako was not. Cisco strokes the pad of his thumb across Eddie's cheek, his jaw, feeling the scrape of his stubble. His face softens with a very small smile, and in a whisper he says: ]

But I gotta admit... I'm kinda glad he didn't. 'Cause I'm selfish, and otherwise I might not have gotten my chance. And now- I can't imagine my life without you in it.

Sorry. I didn't mean to repeat myself.

[For a moment or two, he chews on his lower lip, avoiding Cisco's eyes for a moment, when his boyfriend reminds him that he had told him about Iris. It's not so much the repeated story that's making him feel so exposed and vulnerable, though - it's the repeated pattern. Iris, and then Taako, both people who he'd been more invested in than they had been in turn. He's not sure what that says about him...maybe that he's not worth being invested in, maybe that he has low self-esteem. Either way, he's embarrassed about it, keeps his eyes down, and shrugs a bit.]

I'm a romantic at heart, I guess I learned that. I tried to do casual and short-term and I just can't.

[Finally, he lifts his eyes, when Cisco says he's glad that Taako hadn't given them a chance, because he's selfish and he wanted his own chance. For a moment, Eddie smiles at him, bright and warm, and the horns start to fade away, dissipating.]

I'm kind of glad too. I know now, I want something long-term. Preferably something forever, you know? And I think this, with you and me...I think that's what this is.

Hush.

[ Cisco's chest aches, and now is one of those moments when he wishes he could read his boyfriend a little better, know what was going on inside him. It hurts, hearing his soft apology, seeing the way he avoids eye contact, hunches, afraid and uncertain. Even after Eddie perks up, looks at him once more with that warm affection shining out of his eyes, Cisco is left wishing he could do more, erase all the hurt that had come before him. ]

I-

[ The words stick in his throat, not because he's uncertain of his answer, but because he is all too certain of it. He feels as those horns become fully permeable, and then gradually evaporate into nothing. That lets Cisco bury his fingers in Eddie's hair without any impediment. He's looking between Eddie's eyes, expression vulnerable and searching for a moment before he says, with weight: ]

I think that's what it is, too.

[ There's more he wants to say, but words seem impossibly blunt and simplistic and insufficient, for what he's feeling at the moment. Hope, and nervousness, and so much love he doesn't know what to do with all of it. So he merely closes the distance between their faces, kissing Eddie softly, lips questioning, almost shy. He pulls away just enough to whisper: ]

It's what I want it to be.

[The shift in Cisco's demeanor is subtle, visually, but it's intensely obvious to someone who knows body language; who knows, even more intimately, Cisco's particular body language and all the perfect microexpressions in his face. The tilt of his brows, the tension in his mouth, the way he holds his head, how much eye contact he makes, where he's looking...all of it adds up to a change that's monumental to Eddie.

He can see how Cisco is affected by what he says. Can see how he has a hard time getting the words out, can see that the reason isn't because it upsets him but because he's so affected by the suggestion. Because it means so much to him. It means that much to Eddie, too, and the last of the soreness from his horns starts to dissipate as Cisco runs fingers through his hair with that vulnerable, raw expression on his face, that anxious hope in his eyes.

For a moment, Eddie can't breathe.

The thought of proposing to Cisco has crossed his mind before, in idle fantasies, passing thoughts, and of course he's known for some time that he wants this relationship to last a long time, wants to be with Cisco for a long time. But this is the first time those words have been there, in his head, palpable, so close to escaping his mouth he can almost taste them. He wonders if it shows on his face. Wonders, when Cisco leans in a little, whether he'll bring it up, call Eddie out on his transparent desire to pop the question way too early in their relationship.

Instead, Cisco kisses him, and Eddie leans in, cupping Cisco's jaw with his hands, doing everything he can to reward the action, to gently coax away the anxiety and shyness in the kiss. After a moment, when Cisco pulls back and says that 'long-term' and 'forever' is what he wants, too, Eddie leans in and presses his forehead against Cisco's.]

Me too. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to keep being with you for a really, really long time. I like our life together. You're just this...this amazing, precious, vulnerable, caring, smart guy, and I can't get enough of being around you. Let's just...let's just keep doing this.

Okay.

[ It's strange - such a simple word, one that Cisco says so many times in a day, with so little intention or emotion behind it. This time isn't like that. He half-laughs his agreement, leaning his forehead forward against Eddie's, answering the pressure there. They're neither of them saying everything they are thinking, but Cisco knows at that moment they are both aware of the undercurrents. Neither of them is ready to say anything more, just yet. But there's an understanding. They both want to keep doing this.

Voice warm with love, Cisco murmurs: ]

Aww, bye-bye, horns. Now that they're gone I kinda miss 'em. [ There's a giddiness in the joke, a desire to break the tension and strange hush that's fallen between the two of them. Not because it is bad, but simply because it is so intense. ] Kidding.

[ Cisco is smiling - can't seem to stop smiling, now. He bumps the tip of his nose against Eddie's, playful, and then suggests: ]

How 'bout we eat dinner, now? I'm starving.

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[ open ] call it your 2.0, your rebirth, whatever

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