riverviewlogs | [ open ] call it your 2.0, your rebirth, whatever

Entry tags:

[ open ] call it your 2.0, your rebirth, whatever

who: cisco + anyone!
what: catch-all + tdm prompts + fajro prompts
when: february
where: various places!
warnings: will add as needed

I. DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

[ Cisco thought that the crystal caves sounded exactly like something from a fantasy series he had loved as a child, so of course, he dragged Eddie to go and see them with him. There had been nothing ominous about the place, at the time. It isn't until a few days later that Cisco's dreams start to show the sign of outside influence. They become vivid, surreal, and most importantly, he starts having guests. A few times he'll have a passing thought about a friend before falling asleep, only to run into them in his dream. He's no stranger to unusual dreams, and - after what had happened in October - not even a stranger to encountering other people in them.

But it's still pretty damn weird. ]

You see that, right? It's not just me?

[ Cisco asks the question to whoever is standing next to him, pointing down an empty city street at the looming figure of what is, unmistakably, a Godzilla-sized robotic panda. ]

II. CLEANING HOUSE

[ Cisco had rolled his eyes at first at the idea of a whole holiday based around cleaning. What could be less fun? He's always been somewhat inclined to keep stuff. After all, you never know what use it could be later. He spends plenty of his time scavenging the things other people left behind in the abandoned parts of the city, for materials and parts for his work.

But once he and Eddie decide to share the same room, he realizes he is going to have to get rid of at least some of his stuff, to make room. So he reluctantly starts, only to find himself getting more and more into the task. He can be seen either having a cute little yard sale to get rid of various items (clothing, books, etc.), or else taking what remains after the sale down to the bonfires by the river. ]

III. CLEARING THE AIR

[ Along with everyone else in the Quarantine, as the month progresses, he finds himself dwelling on resentments from his past. Unfortunately for Cisco, most of those resentments pertain to people who aren't even here. Once the 15th rolls around, he finds that his sense of taste has vanished completely. A few conversations with others tell him that this is probably something to do with the holiday, that he needs to clear the air.

But what is he supposed to do, when the people he's feeling resentful towards aren't even here?

So Cisco can be found all that week making his way around town, sitting in a park or perhaps at a bar, slump-shouldered and wan and uncomfortable, needing (but not knowing it) someone to talk to. A good heart-to-heart will put things right, but he's not aware of that yet.

He is also, despite his distraction, more than happy to listen to others' woes, or any resentments held against him. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Of course. The accelerated healing. Cisco ought to have remembered. It's a relief, to know that Shigeru's not injured - but knowing that he's been in a bad spot mentally the past few days isn't really better. He sees the shame and embarrassment in Shigeru's furtive movement, his attempt to hide the gloves (much too late). And even if he's not injured anymore... he'd hurt himself. He'd been so scared he'd made himself bleed. That makes Cisco's heart sink.

He thinks he might know the cause, too. ]

Since the 15th?

[ That was when people all over the Quarantine had been affected - at least, those that were holding onto grudges. And it would seem Shigeru might be one of those. ]

I... um, haven't really been myself, lately, either.

[ Ugh this is the worst. Shigeru hates it when people see him and the effects his phobia has on him. He nods mutely though at the question. ]

I can't seem...to get clean. It just feels like...nothing I do is working. [ He'll wring his hands together a little bit as he lets out a small sigh. He'll give Cisco a curious look before he eyes his gloves again. He might start to...idly scratch his hands as he asks his next question. The one bad thing about not having his hands occupied is that his ticks can get a bit...oppressive. Keeping his hands busy was usually how he prevented this from happening. ]

You haven't? So then...does that mean it's affecting everyone?

[ It's going to take some getting used to, Shigeru's voice. But Cisco doesn't have to know it well to be able to hear the distress in it, clear as day. He sees the restless movements of his hands, too, because how could he not, but he doesn't comment. He just... worries a little more.

But if there's one thing he can do for Shigeru, it is maybe give him a few answers. ]

Not everyone. But a lot of people. It's... some kind of spell. To punish people who're holding onto past grudges, or some sanctimonious goddamn bullshit like that. The symptoms are different for everybody. My boyfriend grew these giant, like, ram's horns. Another friend of mine, her hands started aching pretty bad. And I lost my sense of taste. So... all shitty stuff, basically. Nothing, like, dangerous. Just unpleasant. It's supposed to- to encourage us to let go of our old baggage, or whatever. Just a bunch of interfering crap from some magician who thinks they know how other people oughta live their fucking lives.

[ The resentment that has been so close to the surface recently is bubbling up, making Cisco's voice sharper and more bitter than Shigeru has probably ever heard it. It had been bad enough, knowing how his own body had been changed, tampered with. But seeing Shigeru, who has only ever been completely nice, and gentle, and sweet to Cisco, suffering because of all this? That is really pissing him off. ]

[ Past grudges...oh. He sees now. His shoulders hunch a little when he listens to Cisco's explanation. He completely understands it now. Shigeru never really...talked about it with Dodger. That day at the light festival where Dodger had almost very nearly killed him and left him for dead, alone, without even getting help. He almost died if it weren't for his healing. His hands grip his pants just a little tighter as he closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. Breathe. He just has to breathe.

Of course not talking about would come back to bite him, wouldn't it? He didn't think it was a grudge but...who wouldn't have one after something like that. He thought he was fine just not talking about it, but apparently not. It not only hurt him, it had almost killed him in the process. ]

I guess...the only way to make these feelings stop is to talk about it, right?

Got it in one.

[ Cisco watches Shigeru take in the information, internalize it, realize that it must be true. If he's anything like Cisco, the past has been heavy in his mind already. It wasn't as if, before all this, Cisco never dwelled on how he'd been wronged before he came to this place. But it wasn't ever-present, didn't keep intruding into his thoughts insistently, no matter how hard he tried to meditate the way Genji had taught him. ]

Ideally, uh, with the person you've got the grudge against. If they're here. I heard that's the best way. But- but I think it's supposed to help a little if you tell somebody else.

[ He casts a sideways look at Shigeru, sees his distress and adds, quietly: ]

I can listen, you know. If you need someone to talk to. And I wouldn't tell anybody else anything you had say. Not even Genji.

The person I have a grudge against...

[ it makes his stomach twist in a knot as he speaks those words. ]

I never thought it was a grudge. It's just something that happened and I...talked about it a little with Genji. [ But he never really...spoke to Dodger about it or anyone else. He really doesn't want to either, but his hands are a mess and bloodied and the feeling of needing to clean them again resurfaces like a crashing wave. He hasn't been able to do much of anything, even meditating hasn't helped him. ]

I can listen to you too, if you want. Maybe it'll make us both feel a little better?

Maybe don't think of it as a grudge.

[ For someone like Shigeru, who is kind, who has powers that could potentially do so much harm, who has probably felt (as Cisco does) that anger is a luxury he can't really afford considering how badly it could go wrong... for someone like that, it might be easier to frame the thing in different language. ]

Think of it as... as unfinished business. Something unresolved.

[ Cisco watches Shigeru, sees the restlessness of his body language and the unhappiness of his expression. And while he doesn't exactly feel like talking out any of his baggage right now, he does think it's a good idea for Shigeru to try and air some, before he hurts himself further. So, for now, he agrees: ]

Okay. We can do that.

[ But of the two of them, he thinks, Shigeru's need seems more pressing. So he prompts, gently: ]

You said... something happened? Is this recently, or before you came to this moon?

It's...happened here recently but there's also something from back home too. I guess both things are making me feel this way. [ He looks so...tired there and then. Not sure which memory or event was worse? Honestly he really doesn't want to talk about either but he knows nothing is going to get better if he doesn't. ]

I...I got into a really bad fight with someone I'm close with here. [ And here his eyes will tick down to look at the ground and nowhere else. ]

I...the wounds I got, I almost died, or was close to it. And the person that did it they just...they left me there alone afterwards. [ Thinking about it again just makes him upset enough that his voice cracks a little. Ugh. He really hates talking about it, he knew this was a bad idea. He might grip his pants a little tighter as he continues. ]

I also...hurt them too. I lost control of myself and my powers. I just felt awful about it afterwards. [ It's just...a terrible feeling to have. Even if he and Dodger 'made up' they still never really talked about it. ]

[ Cisco is quiet while Shigeru speaks, letting him take the time he needs to find the right words. At first, when he mentions a fight, Cisco assumes an argument. Particularly because he says it was with someone he was close to. A disagreement between friends, saying something harsh that he didn't really mean...

... but then Shigeru mentions wounds, and nearly dying, and Cisco sits up straighter, expression instantly alarmed. His heart is beating quick with worry that is much too late, but no less awful for it. Shigeru had almost died? Recently? And he hadn't even realized it? Someone had attacked him and nearly killed him and Cisco had been clueless? ]

Damn. Shigeru- I'm sorry. I didn't know... are you okay? I mean- I know you heal, but...

[ He trails off, throat getting too tight to speak. Just because he'd survived, and the wounds on his body had healed up, didn't mean that Shigeru was doing okay. And clearly, judging on the situation right now, he isn't.

Then he says what he does about losing control of his powers, and feeling guilty. And perhaps Cisco is biased, because Shigeru is his friend, but he immediately says: ]

Sounds like they didn't leave you any choice. It was self-defense, right? I mean... I can't imagine you just hurting somebody for no reason. And if they nearly killed you- sounds like breaking out the big guns was the right call.

[ He shifts on the bench, restless and worried, looking around them suddenly as if the person who'd been responsible for hurting Shigeru might be nearby right now. He's a laid-back, gentle sort of person, but that all can change when he thinks his friends are in danger. There's a protectiveness in him that is raising to the surface. Cisco's voice is sharp in a way Shigeru likely hasn't heard before as he asks: ]

Is this person still here? Are they still a threat to you?

I-I didn't really tell anyone, besides Genji and someone else. [ Because after it had happened he was in a really bad way. Aoba was sweet and Shigeru trusted him too. But Genji...he always had a way of making him feel better and he was just so...upset. He thought he had gotten over it, thought that after everything he'd be okay, but it seems like that isn't the case at all. ]

I-I started it. It was...my fault. [ He looks so strained when he says that. ] He told me to-to stay away from Genji. But I just...don't think that's fair. [ Not when Dodger is allowed to sleep around with everyone but he's not allowed to see Genji... ]

He did it out of self-defense. I lost control and attacked him first. It-it happens when I get really angry or strssed. I can't...control my gate and I just...get taken over by something horrible. [ But his shoulders hunch as he lets out a soft sigh. ] He's still here. But it's fine. We...we made up, I guess I just still needed to talk about it. We never really...spoke about what happened in depth though.

[ Maybe that's why he's feeling this way. ]

[ It's probably fortunate for both of them, that Shigeru's not looking directly at Cisco when he talks about not being able to control his powers, about getting taken over by something horrible when he's angry or stressed. Because Cisco sympathizes, with that feeling of not controlling one's powers. But the thought of it, knowing what Shigeru can do, that he can lose control and hurt people, has lost control and hurt people so recently... it's frightening. Cisco does his best to be brave, but it's difficult for him. After Eobard, he spends altogether too much time wondering what he'd do if the people in his life turned on him and tried to hurt him. He obsesses about it even without any prompting. So it's hard not to feel a tiny needle of fear, hearing Shigeru talk like that.

But Cisco just twists his hands together in his lap and pushes past it, doing his best not to think about it. The faint strain in his voice could just as easily be worry as it is alarm. In fact, it is a little of both. ]

Why'd he want you to stay away from Genji? And- I'm sorry, who is this guy to tell you what to do, in the first place?

[ More and more, this dude is sounding like bad news. Who could have any objections to Genji?! Unless this was one of those terrorists he'd talked about... even so, Shigeru is a grown-ass adult, and Genji's his boyfriend. Cisco had seen how happy they were together. It was obvious, in how they lit up speaking about one another, and how they treated one another. Who could have any reasonable objection to that? ]

You... did you say you made up? Just like that? When he nearly killed you?

Edited 2018-02-12 14:51 (UTC)

I. I guess he's jealous. [ Shigeru will wring his hands a little an action that's at least not as bad as scratching but just a precursor for it. ] We were together but I'm not sure what we are anymore. I...I never really thought he was serious about it to begin with, about us. He tends to...see other people.

[ And for Shigeru and the culture he comes from that was hardly anything to be upset or angry over. Phrobiests having multiple partners might be strange to others but it was just a way of life there. The lifespans of Phrobiests was so erratic that they were taught from a young age that having multiple people wasn't bad. It just ensured that they would live and produce phrobiests of multiple powers and outlast the monsters they were fighting. ]

So when he tells me to not see Genji, especially when he goes off and does things with others even people who are bad for him, it...it made me mad and I just- [ he got angry and lost control. ]

It wasn't right for either of us and I just...I didn't want things to end that way. [ Their relationship is complicated is basically what Shigeru is saying. Because he does care and he does still worry about Dodger. Shigeru is the only person he has here for the most part. He wants to see the other man happy if nothing else. But Shigeru probably can't give that to him. ]

Oh, so this is, like, a psycho controlling ex situation? Gotcha.

[ That explained things, to some degree. Cisco hadn't been able to wrap his head around disliking Genji, in part because he is so fond of him personally, but also because Genji is himself so very zen and not one to stir up trouble. But if this guy was into Shigeru, and mad about him getting into a relationship with someone else, that was a narrative Cisco was familiar enough with for it to make sense. Didn't make him sympathize with the guy any more, but it provided a context for his shittiness. ]

So he was off sleeping with other people, and then turned around and expected you not to?

[ Cisco gives a little snort, as if to say typical. He crosses his arms, shaking his head, biting back a whole rant about double standards and machismo and bullshit. Right now Shigeru doesn't need all that. ]

You got every right to be pissed at that. And- and maybe you overreacted, losing control of your powers and attacking him, but that's what happens when people treat you like garbage for long enough. It- it builds up.

[ If it were anyone else, Cisco would reach over, lay his hand on their shoulder, attempt to emphasize the comfort of his words with physical touch. But he thinks that might not be a good idea, with Shigeru. Particularly if his OCD has been worse than usual lately. No need to exacerbate that.

When Shigeru says he didn't want things to end that way, it's such a simple statement, but it cuts to the bone. He doesn't say anything, but it shows, in the way he goes still, eyes going dark and shuttered. He smiles, but it's small, wan, sadder than if he didn't. ]

Yeah.

[ His voice is a little hoarse, but he keeps going, in as normal a tone as he can manage: ]

Sometimes, though- sometimes a messy ending can show you how bad things were, all along. In ways you didn't realize, when you were in the middle of it. Stuff that looked good at the time, but when you look back, it's all rotten.

[ Shigeru's hands clench a bit as he nods silently. ] I don't want him and Genji to fight. I...I never meant for it to turn out like that.

[ He lets out a shaky sigh. ] It wasn't always like that though. He was...nice to me, gentle, and he says he loves me but I just...I don't know if I can believe that.

[ Dodger makes him so confused it's really hard to pinpoint where he's even coming from. Shigeru just shakes his head and exhales softly. ]

He almost...died recently. I can't just...leave him alone. I don't want to see him hurt or anything like that either. [ So he's just...staying by Dodger's side regardless. He can take care of himself at any rate. But he does realize Cisco's reaction is a bit...personal, perhaps more so than he's meant to let on. ]

And you? You seem to...have knowledge about this sort of thing. I'm sorry if I made you remember something terrible.

[ It's one of the more frustrating parts of his recovery, that Cisco is becoming more aware of how his mind works, the traps he slips into, but still isn't able to stop himself. For instance, right now, he knows that what Shigeru is describing is different to what he'd been through. Comparable, in some ways, but different. He wants to listen, kindly, and with enough distance that he can offer comfort and advice. But instead, he can feel his heartbeat speeding up, his body starting to shake a little with entirely unnecessary adrenaline.

Cisco twists his hands together, trying to hide his increasing discomfort, but only making it more obvious as he does. When Shigeru says he says he loves me, Cisco's stomach twists, the nausea somehow worse because it's been so long since he ate last. He swallows and tries to ignore it, and to under no circumstances think about Eobard saying we love you, too.

He only realizes how obvious he's being when Shigeru apologizes, and by that point, it's too late to hide it better. Cisco opens his mouth, starts stammering a denial: ]

Oh, I'm not- it's- I'm fine-

[ He stops, with a short little sigh of frustration. He wouldn't fool a child, right now. ]

Not this sort of thing, exactly. Something different. But it's not- you don't have to apologize. It's just been... on my mind, lately.

[ Cisco rubs his hands over his face, as if he could scrub the memories and all the awfulness away. It doesn't work, of course. But he tries to keep the focus on Shigeru, to actually say something that will help him, rather than just... freaking out about his own issues, like he always seems to. The only problem is that the most important piece of advice he wants to give comes much closer than he'd like to his own situation.

There's obvious effort in the way Cisco tries to keep his voice neutral, a strain in it that is only too audible. ]

People who... the sort of people who will tell you they love you and then- hurt you that badly, don't actually love you. That's not love. Even if... they used to treat you nice. To get you to like them. Even if they're good sometimes. And make other people think they're good all the time. People who love you don't- isolate you, from other people. They don't make you feel like- like you were nothing before you met them, or they're the only ones who understand you, or any of that bullshit. And they don't kill you and leave you there on the ground.

[ He realizes his slip a moment to late, and corrects, face going hot, the shaking in his hands even worse now: ]

Nearly kill you. I meant... they don't nearly kill you.

Edited 2018-02-19 23:59 (UTC)

You're saying he's just using me? [ Shigeru asks barely above a whisper. Of course somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that was the likely cause. Shigeru was probably just there to help and heal Dodger when he got in over his head with his fights. But he'll look at Cisco when he finishes his expression pained and obviously worried. ]

I think I always knew that. [ He laughs a little rubbing his eyes with the back of his gloved hands. ] I thought maybe I could help him change...that I could be there for him because he seems so alone. [ He doesn't want to leave Dodger by himself. He knows he has the capacity to change though. ] I'm an idiot for staying with him but I don't...want him to get hurt or die or any of those things.

[ He's such an idiot he always knew that deep down Dodger never truly loved him, not in the way that he does, but he still stayed by his side because he cares far too much. And he'll continue to stay by his side even if he knows it's a bad idea and that he shouldn't. He'll look back at Cisco again. ]

You have been through something like this then.

Edited 2018-02-22 04:32 (UTC)

I don't think you're an idiot.

[ As crappy as this guy sounds, the last thing Cisco wants to do is blame Shigeru, or encourage him to blame himself. So his answer, though delivered in a soft voice, is firm. ]

Caring about people doesn't make you an idiot. And- and neither does wanting to see the best in somebody. To help them, even if maybe, some part of you knows they're not worth it. It's not your fault, that he decided that he was gonna repay your kindness by being a dick. But there's a big difference between not wanting somebody to die and letting them trample all over you. That's- that can end up teaching him it's okay to keep treating other people like that. You know? If you can't think of it as looking after yourself, think of it as what's gonna be best for him, in the end.

[ Cisco suspects that appealing to Shigeru's altruism and desire to help this guy become a better person is going to be more effective than by appealing to any kind of innate feeling that he deserves to be treated well. He knows it's what would work on him, anyway. ]

No. [ He could leave it there. Lie, albeit badly. Shigeru probably wouldn't push him. But Cisco swallows, staring down at his hands, and keeps going. ] I mean. Not exactly. It wasn't somebody I was dating or any of that. He was...

[ What word should he even use? Friend? Mentor? Pseudo-father-figure? Murderer? Nightmare? No one term could encompass it all. ]

Somebody I looked up to... ended up being a pretty bad person.

[ Shigeru listens and nods after hearing that. His gaze distant as he stares down at his gloved hands, idly scratching them now but he snaps out of it to look back at Cisco. ]

That makes sense. I...get that. But how do I...I don't really know how to say that to him, without him getting angry. [ Because Dodger does have a bit of a temper. ] I don't want to make him...mad.

[ He's not really sure if it's worth it sometimes. But maybe breaking it off would be for the best. But when was the right time to do something like that? ]

Oh. I'm...so sorry, Cisco. [ If he was better at it he'd offer some form of physical comfort. But he's not really good with it when it comes to people he's unused to touching. ]

I can't imagine how that must feel...looking up to someone and then learning and seeing them do that.

Yeah. It sucked.

[ The words are meant to be casual, but they come out hard, bitter, and somehow worse than if he'd picked some more severe synonym. Not realizing he's doing it, Cisco rubs a hand against his chest, over his heart, as if there were a twinge of pain there that he could massage away. It's an unconscious gesture, and he keeps talking as he does it: ]

Anyway, the point is... the point is I know about this stuff, and you're never gonna start really fixing it until you get out from under his thumb. Completely. Like... the fact you're scared of telling him the truth or he'll get angry and wig out - you gotta know that's a bad sign, right, dude?

[ He knows, too, that confronting dangerous men with the truth can go very poorly. The last thing Cisco wants to do is encourage Shigeru to do this, and for him to get killed. Sure, he has his powers, but even so. He shouldn't have to be on his own for this. ]

You shouldn't do it alone. He's already hurt you before. Bring backup. Hell, if you're worried bringing Genji is just gonna piss him off, bring one of your other badass friends. Or, I guess, me, in a pinch. Just tell me in advance so I can make sure I got a taser with me.

I-I know. [ Shigeru knows it's bad that he's secretly sort of scared of Dodger on a subconscious level. It's not that he really meant to be but after their last encounter he's just...a little scared of him and he knows that's not how relationships are supposed to be. ]

No. It-it's okay! I'll be fine on my own. I-I don't think he'd ever get that mad to hurt me again. [ maybe. But Dodger has been pretty absent lately. Shigeru figures after their fight that he's moved on pretty much, but he can never be too sure.

But Shigeru's lack of wanting to involve anyone stems from him not wanting anyone to get hurt and not wanting to be a bother with his own problems. ] I can handle it alone. You don't have to worry.

[ Cisco is silent for a moment, debating if he knows Shigeru well enough to argue, to insist that he ought to bring help. Someone, if not Cisco. His own instincts tell him that it's foolish to dismiss the possibility of future danger. People could surprise you. People you never thought would hurt you could turn around and murder you in cold blood. But... that was just him and his issues, again. Shigeru probably knows his own situation better.

So he doesn't protest, just smiles, a thin smile that doesn't change how sad his eyes are. ]

Okay. I'm still gonna worry, though. It's kinda my thing.

[ If Shigeru were someone else, Cisco would lay a hand on his shoulder, perhaps even give him a hug. But he refrains, because the whole point of this was to help with Shigeru's OCD, and Cisco's just going adopt a policy until further notice to never touch Shigeru, unless the other man initiates it.

Quietly, he adds: ]

And you know... you shouldn't resent yourself, either. For any of it. Making excuses other people is easy. But - forgiving yourself is really important, too.

I-I know. Thank you. I'm sorry for making you worry so much.

[ He knows this situation is serious and Cisco has every right to be worried so he doesn't exactly complain or brush away his concerns. His eyes are downcast as he fiddles with the hem of his shirt with those words.

He still feels so incredibly stupid for what he's done with this whole situation but he knows that he has to forgive himself. It's not healthy not to and he knows that he has to talk to Dodger at some point about where their relationship stands. ]

I'll try to. [ His tone of voice is sad and dour as he gives Cisco a small smile. It's hard to forgive himself when he's so incredibly hard of himself too. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ open ] call it your 2.0, your rebirth, whatever

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject