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who: Karamatsu and Aoba
what: Aoba visits Karamatsu at his new house and brings Ren.
when: 19 Jan, shortly after this thread.
where: Matsuno Residence!
warnings: N/A

[ With Ren in Sleep Mode, he's a small ball of blue fluff in his bag and a familiar weight that Aoba had been missing. He's happy, even when it starts to rain on his way there, but he doesn't mind it much.

He has Ren, his long time companion and very important person in his life, and he gets to show him off to the other important friend. For some reason, that makes him feel light and happy, which he suspects is a bit childish... but it can't be helped.

Wet clothes are uncomfortable and he's going to feel like an idiot for not bringing an umbrella, but he got so excited about seeing this new place of Karamatsu's that he just burst out into the cold air with his coat and scarf still open. Thankfully, his coat had taken most of the damp for him, but some still crawled into his jeans and his hair, so by the time he reaches Karamatsu's door, his teeth are chattering. ]

K-K-Kara-k-kun, can I borrow a t-towel? I kinda forgot it was supposed to rain...

[ Aoba, it's winter, wtf. ]

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[ Just what is Karamatsu bowing for? Is he playing around? ]

...Don't be like that.

Karamatsu is someone important to me, even when he's being dramatic.

[ Aoba kneels down at the kotatsu and reaches out to Karamatsu's face, then literally pulls at it to get him to crawl closer to him. Stop that. He wants him to stop that, stop beating himself up over silly and inconsequential things. He wants him to know that he cares for him, not try to match some so-called score. ]

Don't you know you're enough, just by existing? Come here.

_{[ What was this? He was just apologizing. Honestly, he felt awful he was wrapped up in his own selfishness to not get Aoba something in return. Anyway, Karamatsu releases a slight noise of protest but crawls closer to Aoba until their sides touch at the hips.

His face.. it feels really warm right now.

He blinks in confusion at Aoba's response, completely blown away by his words. Did he just say what he thinks he said? Maybe Karamatsu was overthinking it and looking far deep into Aoba's words— looking for any slice of hope. He couldn't help it, even if Aoba deserved better and even if Aoba had somebody better.

He finally laughs nervously, trying to conceal his anxiousness. ]}

A-aah, well.. I know that.. I am a gift to mankind!
_{[ he tells himself this to feel better about himself, you see... ]}

Edited 2018-02-03 04:31 (UTC)

[ Aoba busies himself with fluffing out and arranging the blanket trapping the heat under the kotatsu so that it covers them both, then stops to look at him. Karamatsu looks flustered, and Aoba assumes he's just feeling overwhelmed by even this minor generosity. Aoba inwardly sighs, but not with exasperation - more like... fondness.

He's trying to push past his embarrassment.

Aoba nudges him with his shoulder against his, leaning on him playfully. Months ago, he wouldn't have done something as physical as this, but this is how comfortable he feels with Karamatsu, it's his doing. Little by little, Karamatsu's antics have broken down his anxiety about touch. All those tight hugs and hand grabbing, Aoba had eventually grown used to it. ]

Heeh? 'A gift to mankind'?

...Who said I felt like sharing my soulmate with so many people? [ He's playing along... ]

_{[ Karamatsu straightens his posture when he feels a sudden weight on his shoulder. Sure, they've been touchy-feely for awhile now, but Aoba seems almost eager to be close to Karamatsu right now. He's beginning to realize it and he doesn't mind it, but he's surprised.

And nervous.

Surely Aoba doesn't mean anything by all of this, right? ]}

Well.. there aren't any rules about this... are there?

[ Karamatsu, try not to look too deeply into it for signs. One cannot divine this kind of thing. Besides, he didn't mean for you to crowd in on the same side of the kotatsu he's on, but he's.... also not complaining.

...And also, he's chilled to the bone. Contact, especially when it's warm, is exactly what he wants. Beneath the thick blanket is a toasty warmth that threatens to shiver out the cold, allowing his muscles to relax - like slipping into a bath. But his top half will take a bit longer to thaw.

He draws back slightly, laughing. Then puts his hands behind him, bracing himself as he leans back a bit. ]

I guess not.

...But then, I've never had a soulmate before. I'm not aware of any rules.

[ All he knows is that he's missed this. ]

So I guess it's okay if I want Kara-kun to have a lot of friends, even if it means sharing him.

_{[ Something was definitely strange here. Something.. foreign. Karamatsu's face is rather vacant as the thoughts rush through his mind, trying to figure it out. Something seemed so radiant in the room.. was it Aoba? Yes, of course.. somebody seemed so happy and Karamatsu, in all of his conceitedness, couldn't help but think that it was something he did or was doing.

But.. what?

That laughter— it makes a feeling bubble up in his chest, but he doesn't quite laugh after Aoba. What was happening right now was absolutely terrifying and Karamatsu knew it. His feelings were beginning to surface— to show— to cross boundaries as he dare harbor affection towards somebody who was taken. Maybe that's why his heart couldn't stop pounding.

His eyes absentmindedly zone in on Aoba's lips, but his mind is wandering so much he doesn't even notice that Aoba has stopped talking and laughing until after a few moments of silence.

And then, a surprised oh escapes Karamatsu's mouth like he's just snapped back into reality. ]}

I suppose.. whatever rules there are.. it is between you and I! If you don't want to share me, I will remain devoted to your tender and undying care and make NO FRIENDS!!
_{[ wowee wow look who actually knows how to communicate, he'd be great to be in a relationship with, right? ]}

Edited 2018-02-04 03:23 (UTC)

[ Sometime when that silence officially turns awkward, Aoba opens his eyes, then glances sidelong at him... and when the silence persists, Aoba finally tilts his head to look at him, still leaning back. ]

.....?

[ Karamatsu is zoning out for some reason, he seems to be staring at his face, but it's like the lights aren't on and nobody's home. Aoba thinks, Maybe he's been working too much... or stayed out too late, before he finally sees him jolt out of it with an 'Oh' straight out of a foreigner's mouth. He blinks a few times at him. ]

C'mon, Kara-kun... that's like the total opposite of what I want.

[ Aoba huffs and drops back on the cushion and tucks his arms under his head, letting the warmth beneath the kotatsu spread up his torso as he turns his head and looks up at Karamatsu. ]

...Are you worried about making me jealous? If so, I want to put that out of your mind right away. Karamatsu deserves to have a lot of friends, because I think he has a big heart even if he doesn't know it.

[ That might be wishful thinking, but it doesn't hurt to give someone a boost of confidence. Even D*mbo needed a feather to fly, right? ]

_{[ There's that agonizing voice in Karamatsu's head— that self-doubt that is constantly swallowing him that he tries to hide from everyone else. It's talking to him-- telling him that everything that Aoba is saying isn't real. You deserve so much more. Your existence is enough. What kind of proclamations are these things? Did Aoba realize what he was doing?

Karamatsu seems to be more transparent with Aoba more than anyone else.. except maybe Osomatsu. Maybe.. he was safe to ask this question, then.
His mouth hangs open slightly. If it were anyone else, he would puff up with pride and agree, but for some reason he can't. He physically and mentally cannot.

And so, he asks this instead, his voice suddenly sounding small: ]}

Why are you like this with me..?
_{[ It's nothing flowery or poetic. It's just straight up confusion. ]}

Mm? [ Ah, maybe he's making him feel a little self conscious. Aoba looks at him for a moment, then lifts up from the floor. It's not the first time he's dropped his confident act to sound so vulnerable, but he wonders what he might have done to cause this. ]

Is... this awkward? I mean, it's been a while, so...

[ Maybe showering him with a gift and then praise is a bad idea, especially since it's been a month since they saw each other. Suddenly, Aoba feels a little guilty. His attention focuses on replaying what he's said and done, second-guessing himself. Asking himself where he may have gone wrong. ]

...I was looking forward to spending time with you and introducing you to Ren. [ Did I get a bit carried away? ] I'm sorry. Did I overreach somewhere?

T—That isn't answering the question.
_{[ He's really down to earth right now. Karamatsu cannot honestly think of a single person who has said things like this before. Osomatsu has encouraged him plenty of times, but that was different. It was sort of like things Eichi would say to him. Yeah, Eichi was undoubtedly the one who had him questioning his sexuality to begin with, but even after all of Eichi's words, he wasn't interested in Karamatsu.

It didn't hurt too bad. It never really did— getting turned down or 'friendzoned' or whatever. He was accustomed to it. It hurt more to see other people happy and with someone.. especially when Karamatsu liked them.

And that is precisely why Karamatsu knows all of this is terrifying. ]}

N..no.. I just do not know what I've done to deserve someone like you.. visiting here at your free will, talking with me.. laughing with me. I do not think I've had anyone.. so genuine like you here with me outside of my family.. and I'm not certain why.

[ Something about this tension between them was making Aoba feel anxious. A strange, nervous sort of restlessness, like he wants to get up and start pacing the room or fidgeting, but he can't move. So his heart works a little harder, as if expecting him to start to exert himself and yet he remains rooted in place.

What's he saying? What's he asking me? What is it? ]

...

[ Aoba understands that Karamatsu is struggling to make a point. As embarrassing as it is to hear compliments like this, he thinks this is normal. Isn't this the sort of thing that friends like about one another? Trust and faith and vulnerability. Taking a part of yourself and placing it into another's hands for safekeeping, knowing that they could hurt you but you have faith in their love, because that kind of security is irreplaceable. Precious and invaluable in ways you can't ever express without it sounding really weird.

But if this is to be expected, why does Aoba suddenly feel on edge and nervous? ]

Isn't it normal to be like this with someone you care about? A lot, I mean, not just like... with anyone...

Edited 2018-02-04 05:22 (UTC)

I suppose.. but maybe I don't quite understand why you care so much.
_{[ He remains seated, posture slouching slightly over the kotatsu table. He feels uncomfortable being so transparent and honest with someone since his own insecurities make him want to lie about who he is constantly. It's happening so natural for him, but he wishes the sick feeling in his stomach would go away. After a moment of silence, he speaks again: ]}

I feel the same way for you, though... but..
_{[ A beat. ]}
What we have.. it isn't enough.

I... I didn't... think I needed... [ A reason. He tries not to really think about it. Karamatsu is one of his first friends, if not the first. They've done a lot of things together, fought, even cried. They're kind of a mess, but he feels like his life is not just more interesting, but better for having even this weirdo in it.

What does he mean 'it isn't enough'? ]

...?

[ Aoba feels like there's that same old thing. A presence? It's like he knows there's something there, something he's not supposed to touch or look at, so he just keeps giving it a wide berth. Only it keeps growing, crowding out all the available air until he feels like there's no avoiding it. Isn't this what they call 'the elephant in the room'? Whatever it is, that restless, anxious feeling builds in him, twisting him up into knots.

He fidgets his hands in his lap and lifts one to touch the middle of his own chest. What's with this heavy mood? ]

Kara-kun, I'm a little nervous... for some reason.

_{[ Aoba doesn't need a reason. That's how friendship works, but Karamatsu can't quite understand that. He seems to work and work and work for other people's approval, whether it be from his family or anyone else. To be honest, he doesn't think he has done anything to earn Aoba's likeness.

Aoba mentions he is nervous, though, and somehow that seems to ease Karamatsu's stress in a way. Here he thought he was the only one nervous over something he wasn't ready to admit— he wasn't ready to confess. He shouldn't, really. IT would complicate things and maybe he'd lose Aoba's friendship if he continued feeling this way.

However, he's selfish. So, so selfish.

Without looking at Aoba, he asks: ]}

Aoba-kun, would I do anything that would make you abandon me? You do not have to answer if you do not wish, but I can tell you that I'd stick by your side no matter what.
_{[ He says it so easily, so naturally. ]}

[ Aoba takes his eyes away from looking at his fingers that push a small depression into his shirt, feeling the vibration of each steady thump of his pulse. He tilts his head to look at him - or rather, the back of Karamatsu's head, his face turned away so he can't see what kind of expression it's wearing. ]

...

You keep asking me 'why do you care' and 'how would I make you abandon me', 'it's not enough' and 'I'd stick by your side no matter what'.

I'm really not sure how to reply.

[ Or if he can. The only scenario that comes to mind are the impossible - Karamatsu hurting those he loves, and even then he has a hard time abandoning him when he hasn't for far more dubious friendships in Midorijima. ]

[ Karamatsu doesn't think of himself with very high regard, Aoba knows this. As much as he tries to be the very picture of confidence, he thinks he's worthless, unworthy of even friendship and when he's like this, Aoba hurts. ]

I wish I could destroy the part of you that hates yourself.

[ Aoba blinks. Wait, that's it. It's something he can do, maybe... maybe this is the elephant in the room. The remedy he refused to look at that could close the holes in Karamatsu's heart and let him understand why he's important, valued. Without thinking, because he's not thinking this through or giving himself a moment to second-guess his actions, the true paralyzing force in why he didn't risk Scrap on Noiz a second time...

I'll use Scrap, and break the cycle holding him back. I can do this.

He reaches over to put his hand on Karamatsu's cheek, turning his face to his. His eyes look different in this light, paler yellow from the usual hazel, bringing their faces closer together. ]

Karamatsu --

_{[ It isn't the first time he's confessed to anyone about things like this. He does so on a regular basis, but the only difference is the fact that Aoba isn't turning him away, or doing something to get away from some. Rejection— it was a daily routine for him to expect rejection from each and every angle, whether it be romantic rejection, platonic rejection, rejecting any part of him that had a desire bubbling up inside of him to be accepted.

Rejection doesn't exist in his relationship with Aoba. Not yet, at least. Even when they have argued, things got patched up-- things went on as they did before. It's strange. The only time Karamatsu has ever experienced something similar to this has been with his family or with somebody like Chibita who went above and beyond to make him feel accepted. The only problem is Karamatsu doesn't remember groveling or working for acceptance from Aoba. No, Aoba just gave it to him freely and something that treasured confuses Karamatsu. He doesn't understand, but does he even have to?
He supposes not, but it only causes the feelings that is trying to suppress to grow and grow-- to overflow out of his heart like a cup that has been filled too much.

He can't take it anymore. Not when Aoba is this close and not when Karamatsu is this vulnerable with his feelings.

He has no idea what Aoba is planning or trying to do, and even though Aoba didn't give Karamatsu the response he desired to his question, he can't help it. He can't help it when Aoba holds his face and looks at him like that. He cuts Aoba off before he can continue, fingers curving under Aoba's chin to hold him properly. ]}

Let me get away with something.. j-just this once. Please.
_{[ With that, he tugs Aoba in for a kiss, pressing their lips warmly together. ]}

[ Aoba had used his voice, THAT voice, the one he reserves for annoying customers, for enlisting a spy's help in rescuing Granny, to bring bad, rough men to their knees or to chase away a friend's dark moods. As soon as he does, he feels a familiar ache pulse dully behind his eyes, the sounds outside of his mind slowly being drowned out by the hiss of static and the hard thud of a pulse.

...estroy

...壊セ

Destroy
His voice echoes in his head as he brings Karamatsu around to face him. He's distantly aware that Karamatsu yields easily, as if needing little prompting to turn, as if he had intended to anyway. He's about to say the words, 'I'll enter your mind and destroy a piece of you.' But...

Destr--...
Suddenly the growing din of his heart and the sharp pain that carves through his temples stops, the static and voice is gone. It's startlingly quiet, and finally Karamatsu's words register, so distant just a moment ago. In the span of a blink, Aoba's eyes flicker back to that blend of green and brown as he tips forward. Something is warm against his mouth, stopping his voice and his breath.

He said, 'Let me get away with something', and 'just this once'... Aoba only realizes what that something is too late. Frozen in shock, Aoba finds himself tipped forward at the hand on his chin guiding him toward Karamatsu, one hand braced on the cushion they share, the other resting with a loosely closed fist on one of his legs.

Eh? What is he -- ]

...Mh?

Edited (formatting) 2018-02-06 00:19 (UTC)

_{[ It's so simple, but it feels so good. The warmth of their bodies close, the sensation of lips against lips is so enthralling to him. Him, somebody who hardly ever experiences something like this. He doesn't even notice one of his sneaky hands has found its way to the top of Aoba's thigh, squeezing it with an ample amount of pressure, curious.
He gives him no tongue, only parts his lips slightly before he pulls away all together only to plunge right into Aoba's shoulder, arms curving around him in an embrace. ]}

I'm so sorry.. I overstepped myself..
But I —
_{[ A sharp inhale. ]}

I'm a selfish person who likes you too much.

[ He kissed me. He touched me. And it wasn't in some affectionate way, not like skinship.

Aoba seems to short-circuit, his head tilting to the side as Karamatsu pulls him in for a tight embrace. He stares off, spacing out as his brain mentally catches up with everything that just happened. Well, no, it's not really catching up. He's reviewing it, over and over again. Wondering if something will pop out at him, 'surprise! this was all a joke'... anything to relieve him of this shift that changes everything.

No. He can't feel that way about me.

This is wrong.

I want things like they were.

I want my friendship back.

Aoba feels a tightness in his chest at the thought, like something dear to him was taken away. But Karamatsu's still here, holding him and apologizing but not so sorry as to stop himself from acting on his selfish desires. That tightness turns to embarrassment and hurt, even anger. He knows he's with Noiz, and yet...

But then, just now, he tried to act on his selfish desires. Packaged them neatly under the purpose of deleting that self-hate from Karamatsu's brain, but if he inspects his intent under a different light, he supposes he'd see the ugly underside. The part of Aoba who wanted Karamatsu to stop questioning his reasons for cherishing him, to not have to explain himself time and again, because it was... embarrassing. A rush of other problems come to light too, things Aoba doesn't want to think about, and instead he just shoves them all down inside and snaps it shut like baggage he doesn't intend on opening again. Instinctively, Aoba jerks back, tugging away in Karamatsu's grip. ]

Karamatsu -- what are you -- l-let go... I can't...!

[ Aoba tries to pull him at his shoulders to get him to stop hugging him, his heart has been banging away in his chest and now with it feeling this tight, he feels like any pressure is suffocating him. He needs space, air, anything. ]

_{[ Karamatsu can be stubborn about certain things, but he does listen to Aoba, giving his body one last tight squeeze before he lets him go, unable to look at him. His head is bowed, dipped down in shame. He can feel the twinge of guilt twisting in his chest-- the feeling that he's made a horrible mistake. He's gone and made their friendship all weird, huh? Could it have been helped? Karamatsu doesn't think so; not with how much he's been feeling for Aoba lately.
He expects rejection— he's not sure to what extent, but he expects it one way or another. ]}

I know, I'm sorry.. I am just hoping that maybe by doing this, the feelings I have for you will go away and I can stop feeling so tormented. It isn't your fault; it's mine for falling so easily. It happens.. a lot. I wish I was stronger in that sort of way.

_{[ He watches the kotatsu table, unable to bring his eyes up. ]}

I'm not, though. I try to make people think I am, but I'm nothing but a coward.

[ The squeeze is so tight that it nearly makes it hard to breathe, but it doesn't distress him. If anything, it's a sign. His friend is there there - he said something about always being at his side, right? So now it's all up to him. Is Aoba the type of person who'll take this and... what, what's he supposed to do with this?

It makes him mad, being left to decide what to do. Some part of him questions if there's something he's done to warrant this, some way he's led him on. Some way he's... cheated. Resentment comes hot on the heels of that repugnant thought that twists inside him like a sour stomach and he finds himself grinding his teeth at Karamatsu's back, his eyes hot and stinging.

How could he do this to me? How could I do that to him? What did I do?

Around and around that cycle goes, with him being mad at Karamatsu's selfishness, and then turning his own accusations inward, deflecting them internally and then it starts all over again. ]

You kept asking me why I am the way I am with you... but what am I supposed to...?

[ Aoba's voice is low and shaking and he loses his nerve almost as soon as he's started speaking. His hands grip his knees tightly, then he reaches out and pats a balled up fist against his shoulder. It's a hit, but it's too light. He's hitting him like a child might - pat, pat pat, too weak but expressing his frustration nevertheless. ]

You idiot! Just how are you supposed to quit liking someone this way?! That's stupid!!

_{[ Each hit to his shoulder earns Aoba a grimace. He knows he's done something he shouldn't have and he half-expected Aoba to get mad at him. For some reason, it hurts more than he anticipated. What should he do now? He's gone and made this entire afternoon awkward because he couldn't hide his feelings-- he couldn't conceal how he feels-- he couldn't fake like he so often does.

So weak. So insignificant.

Defeated, he refuses to look at Aoba or even fight. ]}

I don't know... I wish I knew so I could just remain your friend.. but instead, I want something much more.
You should just leave me in the dust.

_{[ how selfish can you get... ]}

[ Aoba feels his voice growing smaller as his throat closes in on itself. He wants to croak out how Karamatsu could say such a thing - 'could just remain your friend' hot on the heels of that reckless promise to never leave his side for anything. Aoba's fist on his back loosens to palm the spot, then slides off.

Just how am I supposed to feel?! What am I supposed to do?! What kind of friend am I? Or boyfriend?

But instead he finds himself caught in a trap. He can't unhinge his jaw or raise his voice to tell him this. His breath catches in his throat like something dry that he can't swallow. His chest is tight and his head hurts, but while he knows he should tell him this, he's frozen. Paralyzed by his fear of making this worse, risking either of his relationships would be catastrophic, but doing nothing is also... risky.

What if... because he's been telling Karamatsu how much he means to him, because of all those times he gets close to him... if this is his own fault? Now, all the times he's been so friendly with him seems twisted and distorted under this perverted lens, like he was hanging all over him, dishonest and unfaithful to Noiz. Aoba's stomach twists into painful and sickening knots and he feels every corner of his body fill with self loathing.

He's a coward and he's also selfish, and as he pushes away from him to stand up, he turns away, but mostly out of shame at himself. ]

...I'm going. [ If being alone with him is going to be a problem, then he needs to go. Go home to Noiz and try to make sense of what just happened. Find someplace quiet where he can think and process all of this. He turns around, but only to lower himself into a bow. ]

I'm sorry for having caused you so much trouble.

Edited 2018-02-12 02:39 (UTC)

_{[ He's not surprised that Aoba wants to leave. I mean, that's usually how his confessions go.. he gets laughed at or completely abandoned.
Wait... completely abandoned? That isn't what is going to happen, right? Karamatsu isn't sure from how Aoba is responding. Was he.. really going to leave him in the dust?

An expression of worry crosses his face as he finally looks at Aoba, not moving from his seat. ]}

W-wait, ah.. you're.. not.. going for good, are you?
_{[ Unlike all of his other confessions, Karamatsu harbors a deeper attachment to Aoba more than anyone else. If this really did make Karamatsu lose Aoba as a friend, he really won't be able to forgive himself. ]}

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bottombitch - 2018-02-12 03:19 (UTC) - Expand

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glitterpants - 2018-02-13 15:21 (UTC) - Expand

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[Closed]

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1.2 DEEP INHALE

STARES INTO THE SUN...

STARES ALSO...

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