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who: Karamatsu and Aoba
what: Aoba visits Karamatsu at his new house and brings Ren.
when: 19 Jan, shortly after this thread.
where: Matsuno Residence!
warnings: N/A

[ With Ren in Sleep Mode, he's a small ball of blue fluff in his bag and a familiar weight that Aoba had been missing. He's happy, even when it starts to rain on his way there, but he doesn't mind it much.

He has Ren, his long time companion and very important person in his life, and he gets to show him off to the other important friend. For some reason, that makes him feel light and happy, which he suspects is a bit childish... but it can't be helped.

Wet clothes are uncomfortable and he's going to feel like an idiot for not bringing an umbrella, but he got so excited about seeing this new place of Karamatsu's that he just burst out into the cold air with his coat and scarf still open. Thankfully, his coat had taken most of the damp for him, but some still crawled into his jeans and his hair, so by the time he reaches Karamatsu's door, his teeth are chattering. ]

K-K-Kara-k-kun, can I borrow a t-towel? I kinda forgot it was supposed to rain...

[ Aoba, it's winter, wtf. ]

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_{[ Karamatsu can be stubborn about certain things, but he does listen to Aoba, giving his body one last tight squeeze before he lets him go, unable to look at him. His head is bowed, dipped down in shame. He can feel the twinge of guilt twisting in his chest-- the feeling that he's made a horrible mistake. He's gone and made their friendship all weird, huh? Could it have been helped? Karamatsu doesn't think so; not with how much he's been feeling for Aoba lately.
He expects rejection— he's not sure to what extent, but he expects it one way or another. ]}

I know, I'm sorry.. I am just hoping that maybe by doing this, the feelings I have for you will go away and I can stop feeling so tormented. It isn't your fault; it's mine for falling so easily. It happens.. a lot. I wish I was stronger in that sort of way.

_{[ He watches the kotatsu table, unable to bring his eyes up. ]}

I'm not, though. I try to make people think I am, but I'm nothing but a coward.

[ The squeeze is so tight that it nearly makes it hard to breathe, but it doesn't distress him. If anything, it's a sign. His friend is there there - he said something about always being at his side, right? So now it's all up to him. Is Aoba the type of person who'll take this and... what, what's he supposed to do with this?

It makes him mad, being left to decide what to do. Some part of him questions if there's something he's done to warrant this, some way he's led him on. Some way he's... cheated. Resentment comes hot on the heels of that repugnant thought that twists inside him like a sour stomach and he finds himself grinding his teeth at Karamatsu's back, his eyes hot and stinging.

How could he do this to me? How could I do that to him? What did I do?

Around and around that cycle goes, with him being mad at Karamatsu's selfishness, and then turning his own accusations inward, deflecting them internally and then it starts all over again. ]

You kept asking me why I am the way I am with you... but what am I supposed to...?

[ Aoba's voice is low and shaking and he loses his nerve almost as soon as he's started speaking. His hands grip his knees tightly, then he reaches out and pats a balled up fist against his shoulder. It's a hit, but it's too light. He's hitting him like a child might - pat, pat pat, too weak but expressing his frustration nevertheless. ]

You idiot! Just how are you supposed to quit liking someone this way?! That's stupid!!

_{[ Each hit to his shoulder earns Aoba a grimace. He knows he's done something he shouldn't have and he half-expected Aoba to get mad at him. For some reason, it hurts more than he anticipated. What should he do now? He's gone and made this entire afternoon awkward because he couldn't hide his feelings-- he couldn't conceal how he feels-- he couldn't fake like he so often does.

So weak. So insignificant.

Defeated, he refuses to look at Aoba or even fight. ]}

I don't know... I wish I knew so I could just remain your friend.. but instead, I want something much more.
You should just leave me in the dust.

_{[ how selfish can you get... ]}

[ Aoba feels his voice growing smaller as his throat closes in on itself. He wants to croak out how Karamatsu could say such a thing - 'could just remain your friend' hot on the heels of that reckless promise to never leave his side for anything. Aoba's fist on his back loosens to palm the spot, then slides off.

Just how am I supposed to feel?! What am I supposed to do?! What kind of friend am I? Or boyfriend?

But instead he finds himself caught in a trap. He can't unhinge his jaw or raise his voice to tell him this. His breath catches in his throat like something dry that he can't swallow. His chest is tight and his head hurts, but while he knows he should tell him this, he's frozen. Paralyzed by his fear of making this worse, risking either of his relationships would be catastrophic, but doing nothing is also... risky.

What if... because he's been telling Karamatsu how much he means to him, because of all those times he gets close to him... if this is his own fault? Now, all the times he's been so friendly with him seems twisted and distorted under this perverted lens, like he was hanging all over him, dishonest and unfaithful to Noiz. Aoba's stomach twists into painful and sickening knots and he feels every corner of his body fill with self loathing.

He's a coward and he's also selfish, and as he pushes away from him to stand up, he turns away, but mostly out of shame at himself. ]

...I'm going. [ If being alone with him is going to be a problem, then he needs to go. Go home to Noiz and try to make sense of what just happened. Find someplace quiet where he can think and process all of this. He turns around, but only to lower himself into a bow. ]

I'm sorry for having caused you so much trouble.

Edited 2018-02-12 02:39 (UTC)

_{[ He's not surprised that Aoba wants to leave. I mean, that's usually how his confessions go.. he gets laughed at or completely abandoned.
Wait... completely abandoned? That isn't what is going to happen, right? Karamatsu isn't sure from how Aoba is responding. Was he.. really going to leave him in the dust?

An expression of worry crosses his face as he finally looks at Aoba, not moving from his seat. ]}

W-wait, ah.. you're.. not.. going for good, are you?
_{[ Unlike all of his other confessions, Karamatsu harbors a deeper attachment to Aoba more than anyone else. If this really did make Karamatsu lose Aoba as a friend, he really won't be able to forgive himself. ]}

[ How could he even ask something like that? The question freezes his blood and makes him lift his head from the bow. ]

...After you made it so clear that this is the kind of thing you're afraid of, do you really think I'm the type?

[ It's the last thing in the world he wants, but he can't really say it. Even when he recognizes the brief flicker of fear in Karamatsu's expression. He knows that's what he's afraid of, but he surely can't think that he'd abandon him like this. Right? ]

Karamatsu is my best friend, but I...

[ Can't be what he wants me to me. Aoba trails off, then stiffens again back into that bow before he turns away. ]

Let's just... let's hang out again soon.

_{[ He listens to Aoba's words carefully. One might think that after this kind of situation that Karamatsu would be crestfallen-- close himself up for a couple of days and not talk to anyone. But, even with tears pricking the corners of his eyes, he smiles, genuine. ]}

A-ah, yes! Let's hang out again soon, I would love that!
_{[ He's so happy because most of the time when he does something like this, the other person wants nothing to do with him.
I suppose Aoba is different since he's his soul mate. That's the only conclusion Karamatsu could come up with. ]}

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