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( open ) last night I felt real arms around me

who: Jim Kirk & YOU
what: Bones is gone and Jim is coping with it the only way he knows how: poorly.
when: Jan 25th through to early February
where: bars, parks and streets, shuttle and beyond the walls
warnings: drinking, general weird moods, Jim being depressed, possible crying. don't expect anything else but will edit if need be. JUST GIVE HIM DISTRACTIONS.

I ▹ JUST ONE MORE GLASS

[ It's a few days before Jim actually leaves the house properly, though he still doesn't look all that great. He's combed his hair and put on mildly presentable clothes, but he's still sporting a short beard he hasn't cared to shave, and he's not looking like his usual cheerful self either.

During the first few days, it's all still a little too fresh on his mind, and his heart. He goes out but it's not with the intent of socializing so much as sitting by the bar on his own, asking the barkeep to pour him one glass after another. He spends most of the time staring down at the liquid swirling in his glass, gaze seldom lifting from the surface, though he will if someone happens to take a seat on the stool next to his.

He'll spare a vague smile if it's a stranger, and a few words if it's a familiar face: ] What brings you around here?

II ▹ MIDNIGHT RUN

[ It doesn't get better anytime soon. It's a process, Jim tries to tell himself, but he hates that he can't force himself to just be fine. He hates that he's nothing but a burden souring everyone's mood, and maybe that's why he thinks it would be for the best if he just avoided everyone.

On the other hand, he's lonely. He hates that. Can't stand being all alone in the empty loft when he leaves the guard. John's been putting up with him and keeping him company more often than not, but Jim knows that he can't very well hog all his time. He's got better things to do than stay with him.

So, when he can't sleep, and when he can't stand the deafening silence, he puts on running gear and goes out for a late night jog. There are always a few people around but it's generally quiet, and the parks are a good spot to just run until his legs hurt and his lungs burn. When he can't take it anymore and his head starts spinning, he lies down on the grass, staring up at the night sky. Anything to not be in his empty bed, staring up at the ceiling. ]

III ▹ THROW YOURSELF INTO YOUR WORK

[ After the end of the month, the levels of self-pity start getting a little ridiculous. He finds himself equal parts sad and angry at himself that he's just letting himself go down a spiral, as much as he tries to tell himself he's coping just fine.

He needs to do something. Be useful. Resume his life in the Quarantine the best he can, cling to whatever is still steady and present and normal in his life: his work.

He shaves finally, tidies up his place, even irons clothes and buys some ready-to-eat meals to stock up his fridge, and he shows up at the Perimeter Guard after a week and some looking mostly like himself. He's not as cheerful, granted, but he doesn't avoid or ignore anyone, though it's obvious he focuses on his work more than anything else. As the days go by people might catch him yawning at odd times, rubbing at his tired eyes still sporting dark circles that are proof of his lack of sleep.

Out on the shuttle, he might even start to doze off halfway through a flight. Whoever's with him should probably take helm control and just tell him to sit back, or else Jim's grip on the shuttle might just slip, giving them the scare of their lives. ]

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[ Jim lets out a faint huff but says nothing else otherwise. Truth is, chances are he'd get prescribed some sleeping drug if he did actually go to the hospital right now, but he hasn't even told anyone about his temporary sleeping problems, because that's exactly what they are— temporary.

Just easier to work himself to exhaustion, anyway. Or it would be if he weren't potentially putting other people at risk. Now he just feels bad that he could have very well hurt Cassian or Jyn, or even made them crash, if not for Cassian's quick thinking and reflexes. ]

What what's like? [ There's a hint of defensiveness to his tone, despite his best efforts to keep it in. Cassian's probably just talking about insomnia, he's well aware. Part of him still worries that some people can see the gaping hole in his chest whenever they look at him. ]

[the defensiveness in itself is a clue that it's clearly not just insomnia, even though that was what cassian meant. even now, in a more comfortable and safe place, where he doesn't need to disappear for a week to kill someone, he still has a hard time with sleep. he just assumes he always will.]

Inability to sleep, which is apparently not what you were thinking. [his tone is a mix between matter of fact and concern more than argumentative, refusing to fall into the defensive trap.]

[ He glances over at Cassian, then looks away just as promptly, closing his eyes and propping his head on his hand, elbow settling on the armrest of his seat. He doesn't even know what he is thinking, his mind scattered all over the place, unable to focus on anything.

The comment comes across as an open question of sorts, and for a moment Jim debates on whether or not he should answer it. He sighs, quiet. ]

I lost someone, is all. [ Cassian probably has known him long enough to not need to ask who that someone is, and Jim doesn't specify it either. ]

[jim is very open as a person, in his nature, but reasons for insomnia are very personal. he and jyn haven't even talked about theirs. cassian would understand if he deflected, because that's his own first instinct.]

[but jim gives an answer instead, and it doesn't surprise him. he doesn't need any further explanation either. cassian never met bones, but he knows that's who's been lost. he lets out a soft and sympathetic sigh of his own, no questions for clarification on that end. he doesn't even ask when bones vanished, because it's easy to trace in the backslide of jim's behavior.] From someone who has worked himself into exhaustion on many occasions, it is not a very good long term solution. If you think it's going to last much longer, maybe my drug suggestion was not far off.

You can't fly this shuttle if you can't sleep. [he doesn't mean it harshly, and it's kind of like pot meeting kettle the way he calls out poor sleeping habits.] It's not an easy thing.

Edited 2018-02-25 06:43 (UTC)

[ Well, it's not like it's much of a secret to be fair, but Jim also knows that the reason he's sharing and opening up is because he thinks of Cassian as a friend, and someone he trusts. Someone he doesn't mind allowing a little closer, even if there is plenty in his mind that he wouldn't talk about or share so willingly.

The fact that he's so exhausted doesn't help, either. He's a needle away from blowing, a crack away from breaking completely. He opens his mouth to say something, but he stutters on a breath instead. ]

I know. [ It's all he can manage before his voice breaks into a sob, putting his hand over his eyes and hiding most of his face when he starts crying quietly. Not that he thinks Cassian would stare or even acknowledge it, but still. ] Sorry.

[cassian knows he's good at getting people to share. that's his job. what's strange, but not unwelcome, about jim right now is he hadn't been trying - he didn't push for anything, he just somehow created a safe feeling environment anyway. a genuine one.]

[he knows how to comfort one (1) person, and that's jyn. everyone likes theirs differently. he's not sure what works best for jim yet.]

You don't need to apologize. [he adjusts some of the controls, giving jim the most privacy he can by not looking over at him.] Not for this.

[ Crying doesn't help much at first, doesn't ease the pain. If anything it makes it worse. There's an ache in his chest, a pressure that only gets stronger and deeper when he starts sobbing quietly. His throat feels tight, his head hurts. The weight of it all falls on him like an avalanche rolling over him, makes him feel out of control, losing his grip on his emotions, his reactions.

Of all the people, though, Cassian's among the few he doesn't mind seeing him like this. He feels vulnerable and exposed, but he's comforted by the knowledge that Cassian wouldn't use that against him. ]

Right, I'm sure this is your idea of fun. [ He manages a chuckle through his sobs, wiping the tears from his eyes with the base of his thumbs. ] Dealing with some guy crying over losing his boyfriend. Totally what you signed up for.

[cassian hates crying. not in others, but in himself, so he understands at least how frustrated jim might feel. there's no control in it. he can probably count on one hand the number of times he's cried in the last couple yeas, because shutting off All Your Emotions is clearly the best way forward. but it doesn't mean he doesn't know how to handle other people's tears, especially when he already knows why they're crying.]

Honestly, I am still learning how to have fun, so who knows? [makes a joke at his own expense, it's fine. he feels like jim might appreciate a semblance of normalcy over coddling or overt sympathy anyway. he's still giving him the privacy of it, eyes on the flight forward.] And you are not some guy, Jim. I signed up for the aerial exploration, that apparently comes with your friendship as a bonus, the good and the bad. I would rather you not bottle it all up, if this is a chance otherwise.

I have been told I'm a very good listener. [hashtag spy reasons, but it's an opening: if jim wants to talk about it more, he's free to, but if he'd rather just cry it out a little longer, that's okay too.]

[ Jim can't say he's much of the type to cry, mostly because as a Captain, he has to be as professional and unemotional as he can manage, particularly in times of crisis. It isn't to say that he doesn't show weakness or doubt at times, but he also pushes through them with practiced confidence, which in turn makes his crew feel confident too, making them stronger and braver.

But him crying isn't unheard of, either. He knows better than to bottle things up now, it's just... it's still weird, breaking down like this, in front of someone else. ]

Oh, shut up. [ He laughs through his tears, shaking his head. It doesn't help much, but it's something. What Cassian says next actually helps a lot more, and he nods slowly, letting silence settle between them for a moment again. ] I don't... don't even know what I'd say. I just— miss him. I miss him, is all.

[ah yes, the captaincy. another reason to reign in the emotions. maybe that's part of why it's easier to talk with jim than others too. not that cassian worked with large crews if anyone very often, but his rank did denote that same necessary confidence.]

[aha, a laugh. that's probably good!] Missing people seems to be a normal thing, by all accounts. [he misses his droid. he misses his parents. some wounds are fresher than others, and bones is too recent to tuck away. cassian hides his losses away but most people shouldn't need to.]

You plan to go home, right? Will you see him again when that day comes?

[ It's not easy, granted. He can still remember how difficult it was to get over Pike's death, when the few times he allowed himself to really work through the grief was when he was by himself, and no one could see him break down completely.

This has felt a little like that. Mostly habit, he's aware, because he knows he can open up more here, not worry so much about keeping up appearances or not showing weakness or doubt. ]

Means you really care, I guess. [ It's not a comfort. Jim knew he cared before Bones disappeared. He didn't have to go away for him to realize that. ]

Yeah. [ He sniffs a little, wiping the tears away on the sleeve of his suit. ] But he's probably not gonna remember any of this. And I might not, either.

[however normal it is, it never gets easier. more numbing than it should be, maybe, but that's probably just another unhealthy coping mechanism cassian has picked up.]

[he doesn't think about going home. it's not an option for him, so he's never felt the need to investigate, to see what happens.]

They say there are multiple universes out there, even parallel ones. Maybe the one you will go home to will keep all the memories intact. A lot of impossible things seem to happen with thanks to that portal.

[he would not be a rebel through and through without being a tiny bit hopeful.]

[ Jim struggles a little to find comfort in Cassian's words. It's a good thing, he knows, opening up and unloading some of the weight, share it with someone willing to help him work through it, even if only a little.

And Cassian chooses what to say well. Jim knows he's right, knows that there are a myriad of possibilities, and that there's nothing wrong with hoping for the best. Just hard accepting that optimism right now, and nearly impossible to force himself to be comforted by that thought. ]

Yeah. Anything can happen.

[ He should know, considering the circumstances of his own birth. How his whole life, his whole universe is a divergence from another one. He tries, and fails a little, to shoot Cassian a small smile. ]

Thank you. That... will help. I think. [ Just not yet, it's all too fresh on his mind. ]

[for all cassian tries to find hope, he knows it's hard. he's been there, in places where it doesn't quite feel like it's going to get better, like the only possibilities are just terrible ones forever. it's hard to see past that. at the very least, maybe getting some of it off his chest would help. cassian's heard that's useful.]

It does not have to help now, maybe not for a while. But you have to take care of yourself, Jim. I know it's hard sometimes.

I like to think of something good. Even neutral. As unrelated to the current situation as possible. Or make a list in my head, the steps to getting myself presentable, maybe a step-by-step to the day. Mechanical, but something else to focus on, to make sure I hit every bullet point.

Adjust your schedule to sleep in a little later to make up for the time lost. If you can, of course. This is your unit, you can make whatever rules you want.

[all his experience tends to come from more violent demons, but cassian thinks what he does about it might still be relevant.]

Edited 2018-03-11 16:03 (UTC)

[ Jim has faced worse demons in the past too, so it's not like sleepless nights are anything new to him. PTSD and grief are two very different beasts though, and right now... it almost feels like the latter is worse.

Then again, that may be because he's forgetting just how hard a time he had after Bones brought him back from the dead. But anyway. ]

It does help. It helps... knowing I'm not really alone, even without Bones being around anymore.

[ That's been a lingering feeling, as of late. He's not used to living alone anymore, so when he goes back to the loft at the end of the day, that's when he feels particularly lonely, when his mind plays tricks on him and tells him he has no one else in this place. But he does, doesn't he? Even if no one's as close to him as Bones was. ]

That's really sound advice. [ He glances at Cassian, looking him over curiously. ] Sounds like you know what you're talking about.

[not being alone is a huge help in these things?? who would have guessed?? cassian had k2, but a droid's comfort can only go so far.]

[he shrugs. he's not about to talk about his own issues in the middle of trying to help jim.] I have been fighting since I was a child. You learn how to adapt and how to sleep even when it seems impossible. The reasoning may be different, but insomnia is still a challenge I have gotten fairy decent at solving.

[he just. won't bring up. how often he can push himself to function on the worst sleep imaginable. that's not necessary here, for him nor jim.]

Neither of us are alone here. Nothing is stopping us from taking advantage of that.

[ Jim's experienced a little of both in his life, actually. He was alone for a good part of the first two decades of his life. Sure he had his mom, and she did love him a lot, but she was away and off-world on missions more often than not, and he didn't really have anyone else, save for a few friends that just... weren't all that close to him anyway.

And then he went to the Academy, met Bones, got his crew, befriended a good number of them. He didn't really feel alone anymore then.

Maybe that's another reason why this is so hard, for him. Having to adapt to not having all those people around him anymore. People he saw as a constant in his life, and his day-to-day. ]

It's nothing new to me, either. Not for the same reasons, but. [ He shrugs. ] I know what you mean.

[cassian is well aware he's certainly not the only person to suffer this, not the first or ever the last. but he always tried hard not to think about the others, mostly because he didn't want to care about them. being alone was safer.]

[it's different now, because there are people he somehow cares about, even if he's still figuring out the best ways to go about that. he cares about jim and his well being. neither of them are alone anymore, and that's a very odd if not comforting feeling.]

[he can't imagine what it would be like, if jyn were suddenly not here. it's enough to get him really feeling for how bones disappearing would hit jim.]

I am not sure it matters how new or experienced someone is in dealing with this. Some days and some times it's just... harder.

I would be a hypocrite if I told you to talk so someone, but there are probably a lot of different ways to remember you aren't alone. You will get through this, Jim.

[ He wouldn't want Cassian to know what it feels like, anyway. They say misery loves company, but honestly he cares about his friends too much to want them to go through what he's going through, for whatever reason. Especially knowing that Cassian and Jyn had nothing and no other place to go back to... he genuinely hopes neither of them will vanish like Bones did.

At least Jim knows the doctor went back to their universe, to his life. He can see his little girl again. It's of small comfort when he's feeling selfish and miserable about not having the doctor with him, but it's better than nothing at all.

He nods, biting back words because when he opens his mouth, all that comes out is a shuddered sob, which he tries to swallow back into his mouth. He reaches out though, resting a hand on Cassian's arm and squeezing tightly. He'd go for a hug but a) it's not practical when they're sitting down like this, and b) he has a good feeling Cassian would be uncomfortable as hell with such an intimate gesture. So, this'll do. ]

[cassian doesn't fight the silence, because sometimes the quiet serves a purpose. he doesn't think jim needs anymore words, especially given the way he reaches out and squeezes his arm amid the heavy sob.]

[he finds he doesn't mind. he's sure jim could use a hug, but he barely hugs jyn. it's not a gesture he's sure he properly even understands. he will, however, reach out and gently settle his hand over jim's for a brief moment in hopes of being... some kind of comfort. he doesn't really know how to do that either. apparently human contact is useful for it.]

[when jim pulls away, cassian still doesn't break the silence. he just keeps piloting the shuttle, letting the quiet hum and steadiness of it lull jim into sleep. it might be more like jim just passing out in the chair, but as far as cassian's concerned it's still sorely needed rest.]

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( open ) last night I felt real arms around me

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