riverviewlogs | [ open ] where I end, we'll begin

[ Cisco gets home forty minutes later than he had planned; he can tell that Eddie's back from work already because the lights are on. He lets himself inside, out of the cold, and sighs loudly in relief. There is exaggerated exhaustion in the way Cisco strips off his coat and throws it over the back of the sofa before he does the same with himself - he doesn't bother walking around the thing, but instead just kind of melts his way over the back of it, collapsing face-down and groaning into the cushions. It's all very dramatic. ]

I didn't get your dry cleaning. I'll go in first thing tomorrow, soon as they open, I promise.

[ He calls the words out loudly enough that Eddie will be able to hear them from wherever he is in the apartment, but the words are still somewhat muffled by the couch. ]

[Eddie's just getting out of his post-afternoon-run shower when he hears Cisco come into the apartment. He's later than Eddie had expected, and it's kind of a relief that he's back, even though Eddie knows his boyfriend is perfectly capable of taking care of himself and isn't in any danger at all. Still, there's a little weight that comes off his shoulders when Cisco is safe at home with him.

He's still toweling his hair off, shirtless and in a pair of sweats, as he comes out of the bathroom and sees Cisco lying face-down on the couch, groaning a little. Eddie raises his brows a bit, and hops over the back of the couch to sit down next to his boyfriend.]

It's fine. I can grab it tomorrow, no problem. What happened?

No no no, I'ma get it, it's a matter of principle now.

[ Cisco rolls over, letting out another dramatic sigh once he's laying on his back. It really is much more tiring than it ought to be, just standing in place for an hour without room to even walk, with barely any room at all. It's not the sort of thing that sounds like it would put strain on the body, but it does, and it had come after a pretty long morning and afternoon, for Cisco.

That, too, is one of the reasons he's talking so freely about this. Until now, he hadn't brought up any of the mistletoe garbage with Eddie, because he figured the both of them had a kind of silent agreement to just not talk about it. Nothing to be done, after all. Just one of those obnoxious things they had to put up with, like ghosts, and traffic lights that were only green for about 2 seconds, and such things.

But right now he's too tired to obey that unspoken rule. Cisco drapes an arm over his eyes, and says: ]

I got caught under some of that stupid mistletoe, you know, fucking... again! And by the time I got out, the place was closed. Who closes a dry cleaners at 5?! It's totally illogical.

[As Cisco rolls over, Eddie lowers his hand and strokes back a few strands of hair, fingertips ghosting over Cisco's cheeks and forehead and temples. The touches are almost idle as he listens to Cisco talk and only moves his hand when Cisco lifts his arm to drop it over his face.]

Seriously, you don't have to...

[But he trails off as Cisco continues speaking, mentions that he'd been stuck under mistletoe with someone, something they've never really talked about. For just a moment, he feels a drop in his gut, and he swallows hard, tries to push the feeling down and ignore it.]

Oh, yeah?

[His voice cracks just slightly and he's looking the other direction, but he's doing his best to play it off.]

[ Cisco, because of his exhaustion and frustration, doesn't notice the warning signs - the false lightness in Eddie's voice, the strained body language, any of it. Instead he barrels on ahead full steam, not really thinking about how it might be making Eddie feel, just so annoyed by the whole situation that he's long overdue for a good rant. ]

Yeah, I know. Like honestly, at this point if I found out who's responsible I'm billing their ass for hours lost in my workday. And then I'm sending them to you to be arrested as a public menace. People have got lives to live, y'know, they can't always be dodging these bullshit landmines any time they try to walk anywhere at all.

[ He sighs again, but his irritation is winding down, and already he is starting to feel a little better. Cisco is home now, and Eddie is here, and not mad about the dry cleaning, so it would all work out in the end. There was no real damage done. Izzy had been nice, anyway. It had been good to chat with her, despite the circumstances. ]

[The thing is, Eddie knows he has no right to feel that drop in his stomach, this is just the way things are here, Cisco has done nothing wrong even if he had to kiss someone else. It meant nothing. It means nothing. But none of that stops the emotion that happens in response to thinking about it, the little twist in his gut, the way his throat goes a bit tight.

The way Cisco talks about it is so matter-of-fact, without any real emotion besides irritation at the hold-up in his day, and that should be comforting. But at the same time it makes Eddie feel like he doesn't care, like it didn't bother him to kiss someone else, like it doesn't matter.]

Yeah, it's...been hard avoiding them, you know? And then you're stuck having to kiss someone you barely even know...

Right?! Or losing a whole hour out of your day, which is maybe okay once or twice, but any more than that and you get seriously behind schedule.

[ Cisco moves his arm off his eyes, looks up at Eddie, a little smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. It is, however, a brief-lived smile. It falls away the moment he actually sees the expression on Eddie's face. There's something off, enough that it throws the brakes on the conversation, makes Cisco sit up a little, concerned. ]

Is everything okay, baby?

[ He has the immediate thought that Eddie had probably had some godawful day - awful for actual, valid reasons that are way worse than Cisco's annoyance at being mildly inconvenienced - and Cisco had given him no time to get a word in edgewise. He'd just come in railing on about his minor problems, when Eddie looks the way he looks when he's upset and trying to hide it.

Cisco sits all the way up, twisting on the couch and pulling his legs up to sit cross-legged, turning a worried look on his boyfriend. ]

[Eddie manages to restrain himself from wincing when Cisco insinuates that losing an hour of his day is only okay once or twice, and what if he'd run into more than one or two? Eddie knows the answer of course, because Cisco just said it - he'd said 'right' in a way that makes it clear he's had that experience, but he just licks his lips and chews at the inside of his cheek a little.

Until Cisco drops his hand away from his face, a slight smile tugging at one corner of his mouth only to drop away, and Eddie is hit with a distinct surge of guilt, his gut twisting for a whole new reason now. Frowning a bit, he shrugs at Cisco's question.]

Sorry, yeah, I'm fine. I'm okay.

[Licking his lips again, he lifts his hand and gently strokes back Cisco's hair again, his mouth curving into a slight smile.]

Don't worry. I'm sorry you had a rough day.

Well, now I'm super worried.

[ If something were only a little bit wrong, Eddie would have sighed, and taken the opportunity to vent about it, himself. Cisco knows how Eddie sounds, when he's pissed at someone at work, or some rando at the gym was an asshole for no reason, or the cat had destroyed something important, or he has a headache. Cisco knows what those things look and sound like, and this isn't that.

The fact that Eddie is trying to hide the fact that something's wrong means something is really wrong, and it strongly suggests that it's something that involves Cisco, himself. He feels his insides go a little cold, but just reaches out, taking Eddie's hands between his and holding them there, looking him right in the face, unconvinced. ]

Eddie. Seriously. It's okay if you don't wanna talk about it right now, baby, but don't bullshit me, okay?

[ Cisco's heart is beating a bit faster with concern, now, his exhaustion completely forgotten. That little smile of Eddie's is hollow, through and through. Cisco knows a for-show smile when he sees one, especially on Eddie's familiar face. ]

What is it? Like... is it the dry cleaning? 'Cause I know, I had all day to go get it, I shouldn't've put it off to the last minute like that...

[In spite of himself, Eddie fidgets a little, a slight squirm, and he bites at the inside of his lower lip again, eyes averted as Cisco looks up at him with that look on his face. The look where he can see what's going on in Eddie's mind, that he's hiding things, brushing them off. This is why he loves Cisco so much, because Cisco looks at him and really sees him, Cisco pays attention to how he's feeling, cuts directly through his crap and recognizes when he's feeling things.

Sometimes, that isn't really a good thing, though. Right now, Eddie's feeling guilty and embarrassed and ashamed of his own feelings, and he keeps chewing his lip as Cisco asks him not to bullshit him. Asks for the truth. It would be wrong not to give it to him, Eddie knows, but he feels sick even thinking about confessing what's going on in his mind.

Swallowing hard, he keeps looking away from Cisco until his boyfriend asks if it was the dry cleaning, and then Eddie's eyes jerk over to his face.]

No, no babe, it's not that at all. I seriously don't care about that. You were doing me a favour by picking it up. And it's...it's stupid, it really is, and it's nothing you have to coddle me about or worry about, I just.

[Swallowing hard, he looks away again, licks his lips nervously.]

I guess I'm just...I mean I hadn't thought about it before. The mistletoe thing, and the fact it means you've probably had to kiss a bunch of other people. And I know, I know. Not your fault, there's nothing wrong with it, it doesn't mean anything, it's just a dumb...magic thing but...I just got the image in my head, and it bugged me for a minute. I'm sorry. I'll get over it.

[ Cisco gets more and more worried, the shiftier Eddie's body language gets, the more denials and disclaimers he voices. So, by the time he actually just says what's wrong, it takes a moment to really sink in for Cisco. He looks at Eddie, mouth hanging open slightly, before he summarizes, succinctly: ]

You were jealous?

[ As soon as that idea clicks into place, Cisco doesn't know why it hadn't occurred to him earlier. He knows, after all, that beneath the pleasant, calm surface of Eddie, there are insecurities and issues which lurk, unseen but still very much present. He knows that Eddie's self-esteem is far from flawless, that the way his relationships with Taako and with Iris in particular had played out had made him doubt his own worth. Why hadn't Cisco realized that the same fears would apply to him? Why had it taken him so much by surprise?

Softly, he says: ]

Hey. Look at me, please. Am I right? Is that what's bothering you?

[ Cisco reaches out a hand, cupping Eddie's cheek and gently turning it so that Eddie is facing him, so that he will look at Cisco while they speak. ]

[When Cisco asks if he was jealous, Eddie visibly winces, his mouth pursing and his nose wrinkling slightly as he thinks about it. He doesn't like that word, doesn't like thinking of applying that word to himself - it sounds so ugly, jealous, like he doesn't trust Cisco, like he's going to get weird and controlling all of a sudden.

He's about to deny it, still avoiding Cisco's eyes, until his boyfriend reaches out and cups his cheek, turns his head so he can't help but look at him while he asks if he's right, if being jealous is what's bothering Eddie. Frowning a little, Eddie forces himself to meet Cisco's eyes when he answers.]

I don't know. Maybe? I definitely felt, I dunno. Threatened. Insecure. But I guess that's just different words for the same thing, right? I mean...I trust you. I promise I trust you. I know you're not going to do something to hurt me, I know it's not your fault, I just...

[Swallowing hard, he holds eye contact with Cisco, and then speaks, quietly.]

I'm sorry.

[ Once Eddie meets his gaze, Cisco smiles - soft, serious, but affectionate as well. He brings his other hand up so he can hold Eddie's face gently between them, rubbing a thumb against Eddie's stubbly cheek as he murmurs: ]

It's okay to say 'jealous'. To feel jealous. It's not something to be ashamed of. It's, like, a totally normal human emotion.

[ Cisco has his own issues around trust, but fortunately, none of them have to do with other people not trusting him. So it doesn't bother him, that Eddie might be stressed about this. In fact... ]

I... don't think anyone's ever felt threatened before, over me. I didn't even realize that might've been what was going down 'cause... 'cause no one's ever wanted me enough to really care, you know?

[ That is a small revelation about his own life that he's going to have to unpack later; for now, though, Eddie is his focus. And the first thing he wants to do is reassure him: ]

I haven't kissed anybody, Eddie. I mean, I did, but like, on the forehead. Stuff like that.

[ Cisco pauses a moment, realizing that in this case, specificity might be helpful. He'd made a bad call, letting it go so long without discussing this. He doesn't want to give Eddie's imagination room to fret. So he looks up at to the side, thinking back. Once he's sure he's recalled every time, he looks back at Eddie and says: ]

I got stuck with Taako and a couple girls I'd never met before named Izzy and Daenerys, and we just waited it out and talked. Uh... the first time I got stuck it was with Genji - that cyborg ninja guy I told you about? That was before I knew what the colors meant, so we tried like... I kissed his hand, and he kissed my cheek and my forehead and then that finally worked. But at least that meant that when I got stuck with Rey, I knew kissing her forehead would do it, and she's like, basically my little sister at this point, so I did that. And with Tony Stark it was, like, butterfly kisses, which was still super embarrassing because he's old enough to be my dad and I kind of look up to him a lot. But that was it.

[ Cisco moves forward, pressing his forehead to Eddie's forehead, voice lowering as he says: ]

I'd rather wait five hours than like, kiss kiss somebody who wasn't you. You know that, right?

[Eddie might not entirely agree about it being okay to be jealous, about it being normal and all of that, but he doesn't look away from Cisco, he doesn't openly disagree with him, because Cisco is being kind and gentle with him. Cisco is touching his cheeks and forgiving him for feeling that way, admitting that no one's ever felt strongly enough about him to feel threatened by someone else. Reassuring him that he hasn't kissed anyone, not really, besides the cheeks or forehead or with butterfly kisses.

Licking his lips nervously, he listens to Cisco explaining who he's been stuck with and how he handled it - for a moment, his gut twists when Cisco says he was stuck with Taako, because he knows how close the two of them are, he feels a moment of anxiety about the girls because it's a very real chance that Cisco will miss women at some point and that's a need Eddie can't satisfy. But the way Cisco looks him in the eyes, presses their foreheads together and says that he would never really kiss someone who wasn't Eddie.

For a moment, Eddie closes his eyes and exhales, swallows hard and then ducks his head forward and catches Cisco's mouth with his. Lifting his hands, he cups Cisco's face in turn, and then shifts to kiss his cheeks and his nose and his forehead, swallowing hard again.]

I definitely, definitely want you enough to feel threatened. I just...I know I can't give you everything you need, and I'm just...I'm scared, I guess, that there's someone else who can give you something I can't and...and I won't be good enough.

[ Cisco kisses Eddie back with fervor, until Eddie pulls away and plants kisses all over his face. Cisco stays still, then, not closing his eyes, not looking away from Eddie. He can't tell, at that moment, if he's made things worse or better, saying all that. Was it the wrong choice, to lay it all out like that?

When Eddie speaks next, Cisco's heart sinks. It is good, that Eddie is talking to him, telling him what's going on in his head. But at the same time, Cisco can't not argue. ]

What do you mean, you can't give me everything I need?

[ He can tell how fragile Eddie is feeling, and he doesn't want to exacerbate that, but at the same time, he can't just listen to that without questioning it. This is one of those times when he stands his ground, forces the point, because if he doesn't, Eddie will go on thinking he's not enough. ]

Like... I'm serious, Eddie. Please, tell me - what exactly is it you think you can't offer me, that I need? 'Cause I can't think of a single thing. Not one.

[Licking his lips anxiously again, Eddie opens his eyes and looks at Cisco's face, and then he closes his teeth on his lower lip, lifting his hand to brush his thumb against Cisco's lower lip.]

I don't know. I know you're really close with Taako and share a lot with him. I'm not a woman, and I couldn't be, and you're bi. I don't know what else, I can't think of...any other specific examples, I just know that one person can't give another person everything they always need, you know?

[There's a pause, for a moment, while Eddie holds his breath and tries to figure out if he should say what's on his mind, but then blurts it out, his voice a little fragile.]

I knew that Iris needed things from Barry I couldn't give her. And in the end, she needed those things more than me. You know? She did. And...I don't know.

[ Cisco bites the inside of his cheek to keep from interrupting; he wants to let Eddie finish speaking, before he says anything. His chest aches, hearing the hurt in his boyfriend's words, but he waits, and listens, and when Eddie is finished, he reaches up, running his hands through Eddie's hair, combing it back from his face as he organizes his thoughts. ]

Hate to be the one to point this out, babe, but you're bi, too, and I'm not a woman, either. So unless you're gonna tell me to my face that I'm not enough for you, there's no way you can say I'm not enough for you. And yeah, Taako's my friend, but like- no, and also, ew, and... [ Cisco swallows, eyes breaking away from Eddie's for the first time as he admits, a touch of hoarseness coming into his voice ] ...I share way more with you. I mean. Stuff I'd never tell him.

[ Cisco's not surprised, that it comes back to Iris, but hearing Eddie talk about it from that particular perspective is jarring, and Cisco shakes his head. ]

But she didn't. It's not like Barry had something you didn't. You're - that's not what happened. Trust me, okay. I had no horse in that race, back then. Barry wasn't a better model she wanted to upgrade to. I mean... no offense to Barry, but, like, puh-lease. She didn't need him, she was just already in love with him before you even came into the picture. But you weren't insufficient for her, and you are definitely, definitely not insufficient for me. Okay?

[ Carefully, Cisco reaches out, taking both of Eddie's hands into his and lacing their fingers together. ]

And sure, okay, you can't give me everything I need, always, one hundred percent of the time. If I get sick and need brain surgery or something, I'm gonna get a brain surgeon to do that for me. And if I want somebody to come double-check some code I wrote at 2 AM, I'm gonna ask Tony Stark, not you. But that doesn't mean you're not enough for me. And- and... it doesn't change the fact that. I love you more than I've ever loved, like. Anybody.

Edited 2017-12-30 06:06 (UTC)

[Eddie laughs, a soft and slightly hysterical thing, shaking his head and wrinkling his nose.]

You were a woman for me. So nope, I win that one. Sorry.

[He knows what Cisco's point was, of course, but the evasion is easy, avoids an argument, gets him out of the impossible place Cisco had trapped him, verbally. Swallowing hard, he keeps touching Cisco's face as Cisco explains where he's coming from, explains his relationship with Taako and how Eddie is enough for him despite being a man. Eddie lets his fingers trace Cisco's precious face, his jaw and cheeks.

And then Cisco is speaking about Iris and Barry, and it hurts, more than he'd expected, to hear Cisco say that Barry hadn't been better than him, that he wasn't a better model she upgraded to, that she didn't need him, that she'd just been in love with him before she ever met Eddie. Something in his gut twists up, his heart aches for a moment, and unexpectedly tears well up in his eyes even as he smiles slightly at Cisco.]

It's just...hard to believe that, I guess. [Licking his lips, he lifts his head a bit to look Cisco in the eyes.] Sometimes I wonder if they had something behind my back, and I'm never sure if I want to know or not.

[Exhaling, he drops his gaze again.]

Then Taako didn't like me enough to be willing to commit to anything serious, never opened up to me, and I don't know. I feel like you're going to realize, just like both of them did, that there's better out there, that I'm not enough.

[ The corner of Cisco's mouth twitches up, the tiniest ghost of a smile, just for a moment, when Eddie reminds him of that night with the sex swap potion. But he says, affectionate and firm: ]

I could text Magnus and ask him nicely to whip us up another one of those potions, if you wanted a turn, so, nope. I win.

[ Cisco sees the tears welling into Eddie's eyes, and he worries he's gone too far, overstepped. He believes, firmly, that he is right, that he could see more objectively from his perspective what it was that had gone wrong, between Eddie and Iris and Barry. But he hadn't lived it the same way that Eddie has, and he usually treads more carefully, talking about it with him. When Eddie shakily voices that uncertainty of his, Cisco hesitates for a moment (Eddie had said he wasn't sure if he wanted to know, but in this case...) before he says, quietly: ]

They didn't. Believe me. If anything at all had happened, Barry would've told me. He was not, like, discreet. She might've... felt stuff, I don't know, but she didn't cheat on you.

[ Cisco presses his forehead to Eddie's once more and sighs, his own throat going tight. It's impossible, not to get emotional himself, when he sees Eddie in so much pain, even after all this time. ]

And I've never cheated on anybody, and I'm not about to start. And- and look. Even if you feel that way, I know it's not gonna happen. 'Cause guess what, Eddie? I've got powers. And my vibes never lie. I saw you and me, together. Like this. Right on this couch, in the future.

[ Cisco pauses, to kiss Eddie, long and insistent, trying to pour every bit of his love into it, not pausing for breath until he feels dizzy and has to pull away to gasp, head spinning a little. ]

We looked so happy Eddie. There's no better out there for me.

[ A tear spills down Cisco's cheek, and he wipes it away quickly, a watery smile pulling at the corner of his mouth as he adds, with a hint of a laugh in his voice. ]

You're my freakin' soulmate, remember?

Fine, fine. And...you know, I would be into that, if you are.

[A pause, because that's a distraction, and he knows it. It's not the crux of the issue, either, and there's a moment of guilt because Cisco had said a lot of things that Eddie didn't respond to, didn't really acknowledge to himself because he's still feeling fragile. But they linger there - Cisco tells him more than he tells Taako or anyone else, Cisco loves him more than he's ever loved anyone.

When Cisco looks at him and speaks, quietly, tells him that they didn't have anything going on behind his back, that Barry would've told him, that she hadn't cheated, something in Eddie's stomach does unwind a bit. He exhales something like a slightly relieved laugh, shakes his head, and then Cisco is continuing, saying that he's never cheated on anyone, that he's not about to start, and Eddie's shaking his head.]

Hey, hey, I know. I never thought you would cheat on me, Cisco, that's not what I meant...

[But he trails off as Cisco continues on, determined, explaining that his meta powers, his vibes, don't lie. That he saw them in the future, together, in this home on this couch, happy and content. Together.

Eddie's hands are shaking a little as he cups Cisco's cheeks, brushes his thumbs over his cheekbones. Cisco is crying, just a little, he can see it, and then he's leaning in to kiss Eddie, his mouth warm and soft and intent and perfect and it's like Eddie can feel everything Cisco is feeling in it, and he tries to match it. Tries to express through the kiss what he's feeling, the longing, how much he wants and needs Cisco in his life. And when the kiss breaks, he brushes another tear from his cheek and gives him a soft smile.]

I trust you. I just get scared sometimes. I'm so happy right now, and I don't think anyone's ever looked at me the way you do, like you really notice how I'm feeling and care about what's going on with me all the time, no one's thought about me the way you do, like I'm worth so much. I love you so much, and it's not like...I don't think you're going to cheat on me. I'm not worried about you being bad. I'm worried about not being good enough for you. But I trust you, when you say I am. Okay? And I'm gonna try to do my best to believe you.

[ It still makes Cisco's heart skip a beat, every time Eddie says I love you, and this is no exception. He listens to Eddie, and then, without pausing to worry about it, just follows his instincts. He crawls over, settles himself into Eddie's lap, crowding him, wanting to remove as much of the space between the two of their bodies as he can. He kisses Eddie again, intently, a little relentlessly. It isn't passionate, so much as it is determined. And when Cisco pulls away finally, breathing a bit fast, his mouth and nose a touch reddened, he murmurs: ]

Okay. And I'm gonna do my best to make you feel so loved you haven't got any space left for any of that worry. 'Cause... 'cause I just love you to pieces, baby. I love you so much it hurts, sometimes. I mean. When I was stuck under that mistletoe, this afternoon, you know what I did? I talked that poor girl's ear off, about how cute you were, and how lucky I was to be with you, and how I couldn't even believe a person like you was real. I mean - I even made her look at pictures, on my phone! I'm not making this up!

[ Cisco laughs, a little shaky with emotion, and another stray tear falls down his cheek. But he is smiling, now. There are some things that can only be solved with talking - some nuanced and fragile things that require careful conversation. But there are some things which words can't cover. It was good, that the two of them talked this out, so he could reassure Eddie about the mistletoe, about his devotion. But now, he thinks, it's time to put his money where his mouth is. Or, in this case, put his mouth where his mouth is?

He drapes his arms on Eddie's shoulders, pulls him closer for another kiss. This one has a little more heat than the ones that came before it; Cisco nips at Eddie's lower lip, pulling it gently. He breaks away long enough to say: ]

You're the only one I wanna kiss, Eddie. I'm gonna show you how much.

[ open ] where I end, we'll begin

🌅 eddie { backdated to mid-December }

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